this past friday evening, i attended a wedding of a male relative (second cousin) who’s basically in the same age range as i am.  only he’s a couple of years younger than me.  the wedding was held at sanctuario de san antonio in forbes park, makati city.  i had to take a cab going there from the office since i was the designated driver of my aunt’s AUV going from the church to the reception.  i arrived during the middle part of the mass and upon cautiously making my way near the altar, i calmly sat myself a couple of pews behind where my mom and aunt was.

the ceremony went like clockwork.  after the priest had given the final blessing and presented the newly wed couple, that was the first time i got to see the bride.  she was gorgeous.  but what caught me by surprise was when it was time to take group pictures with the couple up in front.  initially, of course, there was the sponsors, which i didn’t pay much attention to as i was talking to a cousin of mine who went with my mom and aunt going to the church.  when it was time to call on the family and relatives of the bride to come up front and take the picture with the couple, that’s when my jaw dropped.  i mean, this girl must’ve been in the upper echelons of society.  imagine having relatives like veteran sportscaster quinito henson and sports unlimited host dyan castillejo, just to name a few.  i was like, wow…. my cousin bagged one heck of a woman here…  when it was the groom’s family and relatives’ turn to take the group picture, that was when i went up to him for the first time in a long, long time, shook his hand and gave him a hug.  “thanks for coming, man,” was my cousin’s remark as he hugged me back.  we haven’t seen each other for a very, very long time since he went to the US some years back.

we then proceeded to rockwell tent, site of the wedding reception.  t’was the first time i went to that place so we got lost (sort of) in trying to find the parking area.  eventually, we did and went to find our table assignments.  the place wasn’t full, and the arrangements made were simple, but elegant.  in a couple of minutes, dinner was served.  it was a very sumptuous meal and i can’t remember the last wedding reception i attended that had that good food.  anyways, there was a video played after dinner showcasing the couple’s relationship.  and that’s where it hit me.  as i was watching picture after picture of the happy couple together during their dating years in different areas and different settings, i suddenly felt envious.  it’s as if “damn, when is it going to be my turn up there?”  as the sad realization that at 32, i’m still single started to sink in, a heavy feeling of sadness suddenly enveloped me.  i’ve been single for 13 years and it’s really starting to get pathetic.  and, like a script on cue, the waiter came up and offered some alcohol.  i grabbed two cans of lite beer to drown my lousy, miserable, loser feeling.  yet i didn’t show what i felt to the people around me.  i just acted normal, but inside, i was in a pool of self-pity.  as the dancing got started, the groom went around the venue.  he had a chance to come up to our table and again, i shook his hand and offered him a toast.  he then asked me, “when am i going to attend your wedding?”  i just laughed at him and replied, “not anytime soon!”  yet inside, it was like this inexplainable, incomprehensible feeling of envy and self-degradation.

to keep the long story short, we tried to stay as long as we can.  we left at around 11PM.  i had consumed around four cans of lite beer, but still sober enough to drive home.  we bid our relatives goodbye and they thanked us for attending.  it was midnight when we got home and as i laid in bed, the video showcase was still fresh in my mind, along with the best man’s speech, the atmosphere of happiness for the newlyweds and the sheer joy of the newlywed couple.  before finally going to sleep, a voice inside my head says, “how’s it going to be?  will you go down the same path as they did?  maybe, maybe not.  you know you want to, but let’s face it.  you’re just too damn good to be someone else’s better half.”

yeah… maybe i am…