dear ******,

i guess you receiving this letter won’t come as a surprise anymore.  well, to you at least.  with all the talk going around, i suppose that in one way or another, it’ll either lead to this or a personal confrontation.  but believe me when i say that i’d rather talk to you personally about what’s going on rather than resort to this.  but before i explain how it came to this, i believe a much more detailed explanation is needed to answer all of the questions you might have must come first.

i’ve had these feelings for you for a long time now.  it started out as a simple fondness, likeness, or a "crush" to put it in cheesier terms.  but at that time, you were still with your ex-boyfriend, while i was going through issues with another girl though i was technically single at that time.  but that’s a whole different story.  i first told someone else about having a "crush" on you in passing to a friend but was told that you already had a boyfriend and that i should find someone else.  this was around a couple of months after we’ve met.  true enough, i was able to dismiss those feelings and continued to live my life as normal.  i guess fate first played tricks on me when i was assigned to your team when you got promoted.  i was excited to work with and for you, and even if i still liked you as a person, i honestly never went overboard and treated you more as a friend second, and a superior first.  things were going quite well at that time.  we would have lots of conversations when i would often drop by your station during times that work was not too hectic, both about work and non-work related stuff.  i always conducted myself professionally and never took advantage of my likeness for you.  i guess that during those times, i got to know you more as a person during our conversations even when i was not under your supervision anymore.

things started to turn to a different direction when i learned about the situation your ex got into.  i could not believe what i heard, and i thought immediately about talking to you.  but i was told that you’re putting forward a straight face at work as if nothing happened and refused to talk about it.  i may not exactly know the feeling you were going through, but i understand how horrible that fix might’ve been towards you and god knows how much i wanted to be there for you and be a shoulder to cry on.  though i see you everyday at work being your usual self, i know deep down inside you just want to scream and get mad at the world for what he has done to you.  but still, you went about being business as usual.  we still had our conversations, though we did not touch on that personal subject.  i deeply admired your courage and having your son as your inspiration to move forward and not letting you be distracted by what happened.

it was a couple more months after that incident happened when my feelings for you grew from likeness to much, much more.  i saw that you were already working too much for your own good.  and even though i know and understand that you were trying to keep yourself distracted with the personal problems you were having, i wanted so much to even just talk to you and maybe help you let out those frustrations buried deep down inside you.  i wanted to take care of you after what you have been through.  i badly wanted to be that person you can always believe you can run to at the end of the day and give you all the love and support you wanted and missed.  i wanted to bring back that sweet smile after what has happened.  but the one thing i was concerned about was that your wounded heart hasn’t yet healed so i opted to wait until such a time when i think you would be ready.  but while doing so, i may have made the first of a series of mistakes that i shouldn’t have made:  i admitted to some people that i liked you more than as a colleague and friend.  i trusted those people to keep things between ourselves, but i guess i shouldn’t have been too trusting.  i initially had plans of setting up situations wherein we could talk outside of the office since this is a personal matter, but i understand that you also had a life and a son outside of the office to come home to, and i didn’t know how and when to put a person such as myself in between.  those people asked me if you having a kid would be a problem, and i told them that it never crossed my mind that your son would be an issue if we were to be together.  i was encouraged to pursue my feelings for you since they told me that we would be perfect together.  mistake number two:  i rode with the hype which instilled a false sense of confidence and security within me about our chances of being together.

as time went on, i received word that you already knew about everything.  i noticed the sudden change in you and your approach towards me.  we hardly ever talk, and when i do initiate a conversation, you would either end it quickly or just get to the point of the conversation.  i’d be lying if i said that it didn’t affect me, but it did.  i miss our conversations and the way things were before all of this happened, but i know that all the fault was mine.  i didn’t tell you up front about it and instead, paraded my fantasies to people who i thought i trusted until such time that you were the last to know, when in fact you should’ve been the first.  third and biggest mistake.  but i believe it’s never too late to apologize.  yet if you think so, then i know there’s nothing i can do to change that.  but by finally doing this in place of taking that first step of telling you everything which i realized i should’ve done a long time ago, i hope i could salvage what little respect i may have left in your eyes.  again, i really wanted all of this to be said in person, but i know that with everything that’s happened, talking about a personal matter to me of all people would be the last thing you wanted to happen.

there.  i have said everything.  i’m not expecting anything anymore, now that things between us aren’t the way it used to be.  yet i don’t blame you, i blame myself.  i’ll be thankful if we can still talk and put things in perspective, but i suppose that’ll be of wishful thinking on my part already.  i don’t know of a proper way to close this, so i’ll make it as simple as i can.  i apologize.  to you, and for everything that has happened that not just affected you, but with people around you.  i’m not asking to be forgiven, since i have no right to do so.  telling you what i have felt and what i’m feeling is enough for me.  and even though we’re still working together, i understand that it’ll just be that way.  no more, no less.  and finally, thank you for taking the time to read this.  it is much appreciated.

sincerely,

******

the letter was dated november 12th, 2007.  for reasons he still couldn’t figure out why or how, he never got to send the letter.  maybe it was, or rather, wasn’t meant to be.  but maybe that was the irony of it all.  in this day and age perhaps he thought that true and pure love rarely gets going, and that everything is superficial.  yet deep inside, there’s always that side of him that unwavers in taking a chance to find that true and destined someone, even if it means risking his heart to be broken again.  the question is, until when will he go on and last?