that song by popular rock group queen couldn't have been more aptly titled.  in fact, i never recall feeling this way for as long as i can remember.  maybe the closest to it was preparing for my thesis defense back in college while i was working a part-time job.  it's days before i leave for my dreaded–yet ironically much needed (not on a visa usage standpoint, but on a personal standpoint)–trip to the other side of the world, and i haven't even moved a finger to fill my luggage or buy some much needed stuff to bring along (supplies mostly).  loans have already been made, time deposits withdrawn, all for the sake of, well, having money for the trip that i never wanted in the first place.  adding to that are deliverables at work that need to be done before i leave, and a very, very  personal thing that i have–no, need–to settle.  i can't talk about that here until it blows over, so please pardon me for the suspense (although some of my readers know about it first-hand).  but, you know me, i'll tell all as soon as it's over and done with so please be a little bit more patient.

earlier before i went to work today, i went to a going-away party of sorts for one of my office batchmates at her place.  i was hesitant at first to attend since i do have work, but she being a good and trusted friend, it was quite hard to say no.  i also treated it as a going-away party for me as well (kinda) since technically i'll be leaving (even if it's just for a week) on friday.  but hours before going to that party, i received one of the sadddest family news i could get this year.  one of my aunts on my father's side died yesterday afternoon.  tita anita was one of those relatives i'll never forget because of her smile.  she was always smiling, thoughtful, and very, very accomodating whenever we go home to our province in batangas.  during christmas family reunions, she would always have gifts for all of her nephews and nieces.  she was rushed to the hospital a couple of days ago due to a heart attack and we were all hoping that she would pull through.  upon hearing the news, i thought of not pushing through with going to the party, but since i gave my word that i'll be there, i did.  i just masked my emotions of loss and drowned it with three bottles of beer and the company of friends.  i didn't talk about it as i didn't want to ruin the lively mood of the party, so basically, i somehow still had fun and besides, it wasn't about me, it was for a colleague.  i left the party at around half past midnight so that i can still get an hour and a half's worth of sleep before starting my shift.  my mom, brother and sister will be coming over to the office during my lunch hour to get the car from me because they'll be going to batangas and pay their last respects to my aunt.  today is the only time available to go since both siblings have work tomorrow and my mom is still deep in preparations for our trip, and for me, well, i can't leave work behind even if i wanted to.

this past week has been gloomy, to say the least.  aside from my aunt's passing, another colleague's father was rushed to the hospital just last week due to an aneurysm and doctors gave him around 72 hours left to live, though i don't have any idea as of now regarding his condition, but we're all hoping and praying that he'll be okay.  i guess it's a reminder of how fragile life is.  that's why i'm trying to live life as if it's the last day i have left.  it's no secret that i'm ready to go anytime and that i try to make an impact as much as i can to my friends but what's more saddening is people who we think highly of are the ones who get taken first.

i guess it's time for me to stop writing because i'm already rambling.  a roller-coaster of emotions is what i'm currently on and it's not easy keeping a straight face.  between feelings of loss and love, happiness and sadness, i can't say how i am exactly right now.  but with days to go and with mounting things needed to be done both on a personal and professional level, being under pressure is an understatement.

to my tita anita, you will be badly missed.  may your soul rest in peace.