it was a warm tuesday mid-afternoon, july 17, 2007.  i was settling down in my room getting ready to get some sleep.  work has been stressing as of late, and my mind doesn't seem to get off of the things i needed to do.  although i have done this type of project before, forces beyond my control made it more than a challenge for me.  that time, i was thinking that everything will present itself at the last minute (which it eventually did).  so there i was, lying on my bed, trying to calm and relax my hyperactive mind in order to get some shut-eye.  i was thinking of something (or someone) to take my mind off things, and she suddenly just presented itself.  so i started thinking about the last time we got together, and how she has been silent ever since.  she has always been that way since the time of, well, what happened between us a couple of years ago.  on and off communication was the norm and quite frankly, i was starting to feel frustrated with that.  i had long wanted to tell her that, but everytime we get together, that thought seems to just disappear like a bubble.  so at that time, i was thinking that the next time we would talk, i'll really use that chance to tell her everything to set things straight.

 

out of nowhere, my mobile phone alerted me with a text message.  it was her.  i was thinking, "did i manage to send a mental telepathy message or somethin'?"  anyway, to be direct and straight to the point, below is the sms conversation we had.  take it for what it's worth, but i'm posting the entire transcript of the conversation to show how i felt during that time.  of course, i had the message exchange in filipino translated to english, since i don't want to break my streak of not posting anything in filipino.  not even this event can prompt me to make an exception.  again, this is the text conversation we had, not a talk over the phone.  so, here goes:

 

her:  hi.

me:  yes?

her:  where are you?

me:  at home.

her:  you didn't go to the gym?

me:  i was there yesterday.  i'll be going back tomorrow.  why?

her:  nothing.  is it bad to ask?

me:  nope, i'm just asking as well.

(at this point, i remembered her promise to me that we'll be going out upon her suspension from work which she told me when we last went out.)

her:  are you about to get some sleep?

me:  yeah, just about.

me (new message):  so, will we still go out?

her:  my suspension is over.  i went to anilao and bataan.

me:  great.  we didn't even get a chance to go out.  you said we would when your suspension will be served.  still nothing.

her:  yeah, the two weeks weren't enough.  i guess it should've been a month. (the suspension)

(at this point, i saw the opportunity i was looking for, so i jumped on it.)

me:  i guess there's nothing i can do much, really.  even if you said that we'll go out, if something more enticing comes your way, it's easy for you to just move our plans.  but that's ok, i'm used to it already.  i mean, you're always like that.  you only think or remember me when you run out of people to talk to.  you know what, yes, i'm frustrated.  call me a drama king, get mad at me, but whether you admit it or not, that's really what's happening here.  but you know me, i always try to understand your situation.

(it took a while for her to reply back.)

her:  whoa, is there an awards night or something?

me:  right, that's where you're good at.  veering away at serious conversations and being insensitive at times.  thanks.

her:  yeah, they say i'm good at that, and it's also an asset.  hehehehe

(i was getting pretty emotional at this point.)

me:  i know you have lots of other friends and stuff to do.  it's just that i wish at least you would show the same attitude i give you whenever i readily drop everything when you ask me to come see you or pick you up at the office.  all i'm asking is that you keep your promises.  you promised me a lot of things, but almost nothing was fulfilled.

(i was on a roll, and i won't let this opportunity slip by, so i made the most of it.)

me (new message):  if you're going to treat me as someone who you'll talk or go out with whenever you don't have anyone else to ask, just do it to someone else.  i have always treated and considered you as a close and special friend–at times, even more than such–despite what you did, or haven't done.  i guess i have every right to be this way to you.  it's getting pretty unfair already.

her:  ok, from now on you won't hear anything from me.  bye.

me:  *sigh* i just hope that someday, you would understand…

 

and just like that, our conversation–maybe even our communication ties–finally ended.  it was already around half past 4pm and i was still awake, trying to make sense of what just happened, and at the same time thinking, "did i do the right thing?"  yet i'm only able to completely get a grasp of it all just this past thursday afternoon after all the project-related stuff was taken cared of.  at that time, work came creeping back to my mind and i had to get some sleep.

 

i talked to trina about it the next day and at the same time, trying to affirm to myself that i really did the right thing.  she did agree, saying that people sometimes don't like what they see when a mirror is held up to their face, figuratively speaking.  and now that i have the time to reflect on what happened, i guess the conversation was indeed a long time coming.  despite what i felt for her, how she treated me eventually took it's toll.  no, i'm not mad at her.  not at all.  i'm only frustrated at what she's doing to me.  she'll always have a special place in my heart in spite of it all.  i just told her what i felt, and i was being honest about it and i had no idea why she felt what she sent on her last message.

 

in closing, well, it's ironic that it doesn't feel close to closing this chapter of my personal life.  it just adds to the pile of unanswered questions and open chapters of my personal life that may remain open for the rest of my life, or be closed god knows when.  it's just sad that things went the way it did.  i guess there's really a reason for everything.  for those of you wondering, i'm not putting her in a bad light.  i'm just saying the truth and what really happened.  whether she knows that i'm talking about her in this blog or not, it doesn't really matter.  so to you, donna, whether you're reading this or not, i still wish you the best and i still think highly of you.  i hope things go well for you, and take care always.