over dinner sunday night, my mom and i had a discussion-slash-argument about me going to the US within the year to use my visa before it expires next year.  there was more discussion than argument, with the latter focusing on travel expenses, i.e., plane ticket and pocket money.  while the taking a leave from work part can easily be arranged, monetary usage is a hard bargain.  it's a given that being the eldest in the family, and with my dad almost incommunicado, i shoulder majority of the household expenses.  i hardly have anything left to save for myself, and with the stress i get at work, i'd rather spend whatever remains from my salary on relaxation–movies, a little bit of shopping, going out with friends–rather than saving up and in the end, losing my sanity by staying home every weekend doing nothing.  our discussion ended openly, or should i say it was an open-ended discussion, with the topic still up in the air as to when i would eventually make that trip.  or in my point of view, it's not a matter of when, but how.

while i feel compelled to make that trip, i don't see the real reason as to why i should.  the thought of spending–and i emphasize the word spending–a significant amount of money for just a five-day trip (at least, that being the most logical timeframe, with one week at the most) in order to use the visa before it expires seems, i don't know, irrelevant.  for one thing, it doesn't guarantee–well, correct me if i'm wrong–that if the visa was used at least once before it expires, it's automatic approval upon renewal.  and with the US all riled up on homeland security, i'm not at all surprised if they take a much closer look on visa renewals, especially those who make fewer trips inland.

but one more thing that bothers me i guess the most is, that although i also feel lucky to have been granted a US visa, i don't understand why most of my family–and filipinos in general–consider that as the be-all and end-all of their lives.  my mom has been persuading me to go to the US ever since i was in college, saying that i have a better future there.  we have had countless debates and arguments about this that ended up with my sudden trip back in the summer of 1997.  i was really caught by surprise back then because i was working part time at mcdonald's and had planned on spending summer just working and not worry about school.  eventually, i did make that trip, stayed there for around two months with my dad until school obligations forced me to come back home.  my mom was forcing me to stay and look for a job, but i would never sacrifice a diploma for a chance of making more money overseas.

but again, it goes back to the question as to why do most of us hinge our hopes–our very lives–of getting a US or even a UK visa and making it outside of our shores rather than working here?  are we really that despondent about our country's future?  my mom reminded me more than once that other people try their whole lives getting a visa and still get denied, and that i should be thankful that i was able to get one without much problems.  am i that thankful?  maybe, but i guess i feel more sorry for those other people.  not because they were denied on their visa applications, but more on their attitudes towards themselves and how they see that getting out of the country is the only option.  i don't consider myself lucky to be in the position i have right now.  where i am today is product of hard work, patience, persistence and the belief that i can make it here.  yet there was a time where i almost gave up.  and even if i had the option (and luxury) of just packing my bags and migrating, i placed that at the tail end of my options, tagged that as the last resort, and hung on.  and i'm proud to say that career-wise, i made the best decision of staying here.  i just wish that others would see things how i see it.  and that is to always have hope for ourselves, and for our country.

maybe i'll take that trip, maybe i won't.  if i do, then it would be either company-sponsored, or a windfall of cash came my way.  if i don't, then it's no big deal.  but one thing is for sure:  i won't be pressured as much to take it.  if my visa expires, so what?  it doesn't change things for me.  life goes on.  both for me, and even for people whose visa applications get denied.  it is up to themselves how it goes on.  they have to find within themselves the strength and will to be successful as they want to be, even without setting foot on foreign soil.  i did.  and look where it got me.  and i can dare say that if i had the chance to go through everything again, i'd still make the decisions i've made and wouldn't change anything.  there's still hope for others who still have delusions in getting out of the country.  as they say, the next best opportunity is now.