Disclaimer: I’m writing this having consumed five cans of a beverage with 9% alcohol in it, so things may be… incoherent. Please bear with me. Thank you.

It’s been a while. We’re almost half a month away until 2021 ends; and we’re both thinking about the same two things: first, did we actually make it this far? And second, was this year actually better or worse than 2020?

Most people would answer the second question with a resounding “yes.” I mean, with the vaccine(s) for Covid being rolled out worldwide resulting to lockdowns being eased, everyday life slowly started to return almost to the way it was pre-pandemic–with some adjustments, of course–we’re finally seeing light at the end of the tunnel. Yet some will say that with the Delta variant that wrecked havoc, and now with the Omicron variant threatening eased restrictions, we’re still not out of the woods.

I guess the real answer to that question is how we’ve dealt with own lives over the past 12 months. And for me honestly, It has been both better and worse at the same time.

Personally, things have been quite good for me this year. I’ve had part of my home renovated, I was able to go out more compared to last year, had my two vaccine doses, and am still Covid-free; so one may say it was better than what was experienced last year. But I guess when it comes to mental health, it furiously evens things up. Big time.

I’m quite not comfortable with giving out details (yet), but mentally–as well as emotionally–things have been hard for me this year. Maybe it’s the continued work from home atmosphere where I don’t get to personally interact with my team; or maybe it’s the mere fact that the office and home atmospheres are one and the same… for nearly two years.

And yet, I still made it to today. That in itself, is something to be thankful for. And being able to start another year is a blessing in itself. Yet I learned something else… well, I suppose reinforce is the right term for it. And it goes:

“I am looking out for myself because I know that there is no one else who ever will.”

Being a Gemini, there’s no one who would help me get through the worst of shitty days than myself… or at least my inner twin. I would sometimes go into seclusion or be quiet around friends and/or colleagues, or have sleepless days (since I work nights) trying to think how am I gonna get through another day. I would sometimes ask someone or some people out just to be with them, but either they’re too busy or I don’t get any response, so I usually end up back to square one. If there’s one thing I honed or mastered this year, it’s resiliency. As if I’m not resilient enough, especially after the personal traumas I’ve been through.

Yet I still don’t find fault in other people for not wanting to spend some time with me. It’s in my nature, I guess. I still treat them the same, and I care for them in the same way I do. It has made me more emotionally blocked off, yet there are some who continue to be my weakness. I show them what I’m capable of, and yet they take advantage then slam that fucking door on my face. Yet I still continue to be a man for others. Weird, isn’t it? Aside from select individuals, there’s no group of people who I currently hold in high regard more than my current team members at work. They’re not perfect, but there’s no group of people who I prefer to be associated or working with–and be friends with some–other than them.

It’s a longshot of longshots, but I wish that the coming year would be more kind to me in terms of, “being happy on my own terms.” Because I’ve been thinking that happiness always, always comes with a trade off. But I’ve always been willing to make a trade; it’s just that… no one really wants to take a chance on me. So, go figure.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m extremely thankful for everything that’s happened to me this year. I’m alive, healthy, and still able to be a sounding board, a go-to guy, a shoulder to cry on, and a last resort to people, especially those I care deeply about. I may be ranting right now, but I will still be all of the above whenever you need me. And I get it, it’s not and it won’t be–maybe ever–reciprocated to me, but hey, such is life.

Here’s sincerely wishing you and your loved ones a very Merry Christmas in advance, and a good and prosperous new year ahead. Again, it may not be a lot, but there’s always something to be thankful for. Believe me, reflecting on that will make you smile. Guaranteed.

Have a good week ahead, everyone. 🙂