closing out a great year

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With five hours before the stroke of midnight and the new year begins, I can’t help but be reminiscent of the year that was.  Traditionally, I’m supposed to be outside the house, lighting rockets and probably halfway to tipsy land; but with all the things that happened to me this year, I’m feeling quite nostalgic.  So I’m veering away from what is the norm for me, and using the remaining time in the year 2013 to do a quick look back and savor all the events that helped make this year the best I’ve ever had in my life…  so far.

2013 for is memorable in so many aspects.  I won’t go into every little detail (for now) since I’m still in that place where I’d like to keep those memories to myself.  But to give you an idea, I’ve experienced the highest of highs and the lowest of lows this year.  And while 2014 has already a new challenge waiting for me, there’s still that part of me that refuses to let go of 2013–primarily due to the fact that personally speaking, I never thought I’d experience the one thing I wasn’t really looking forward to… and I mean that in the best of ways.

Let’s see…  I had the best birthday celebration I’ve had in years (decades even).  I upgraded my mobile phone after three years (into something that I really, really wanted).  I received good feedback about a story I wrote (and was even told I can be a full time writer). I went back to the gym (temporarily, but still had that experience of working out).

I trusted people who betrayed me and used personal stuff against me.  I saw first hand the worst of being unprofessional and unethical.  Grudges were held against me when all I did was comment on a procedure.  People took issue to what I say online when I have freedom of expression.  Plans were made only to be cancelled at the last minute.  A goodwill gesture I made was discarded like yesterday’s newspaper.  Subtle but obvious moves were made to get rid of me.  Negative stuff was said and written about me.  I was cast aside and taken for granted on multiple occasions; and my understanding, patience, and threshold for emotional pain were tested to their very limits…  until now.  My birthday and Christmas wishes did not come true.

I did things I wouldn’t normally do for someone.  I expanded my horizons and knowledge of what seemed to be trivial stuff, but important to other people.  I became more spiritual and prayerful.  I thought less of myself.  I rekindled my interest in dogs.  I’m beginning a new chapter in my career.

I went all in…  for the last time.  Whether it leads to happily ever after or another flat-faced disappointment, it’s something I’ll never do again for the rest of my life.

Yes, it has been a roller coaster ride; and it was all worth it.  There are less positives than the negatives and yet I still consider 2013 to be the best year for me.  The quality of the positives outweigh the quantity of the negatives.  Deep inside, until now, I can’t help but smile and shed a tear (literally as I’m typing this) as the year inches to a close.  I will always carry this year in my heart and fondly–and frequently–look back as this will serve as a treasure trove of inspiration and knowledge as 2014 runs its course.

It’s now less than four hours before midnight, and I suppose that’s enough reminiscing…  for now.  Time for me to start my way to tipsy land.  I hope 2013 was also a good year for everyone.  Here’s wishing that 2014 will be the same, if not better.  Stay safe in welcoming the new year, everyone!

And a most happy new year to you too.  #youknowwhoyouare

addressing the end (conclusion)

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Author’s note:  My apologies for not finishing this any sooner.  I was waiting to feel or have the right mix of emotions in order for me to be on that “zone” since this story is written based on that:  pure emotion.  I didn’t want to have a half-baked conclusion to this story just to see an ending take place.  I hope everyone who gets to read this would be able to say that it was worth the wait.  Thanks.  – markie

He was staring at her eyes, the most beautiful pair he’d seen.  He then tilted his head back to the pillow, looked up, closed his own eyes and smiled.

“So this is how it feels like,” he finally managed to say to break the pensive silence as she was waiting for him to speak.

“What?”  She asked him.

“To hold your hand; to finally touch you and feel what I wanted and needed for the longest time,” he answered quite weakly, yet savoring every passing second his fingers are clasped with hers.  “You have no idea how badly, but quietly I wished I could experience this.”  He then looked back at her with those weak, sickly eyes.  “You were never touchy with me.  Not ever, since the day we met.  Yes, we would exchange high fives every now and then, but you were always, always the first one to pull back.  And if even if it wasn’t intentional, during the times when I somehow was physically close to you, you would call that out and push me away.  You never really let me touch you, not even as a friend during those times you cried telling me about the things going on between your family…  or with him.”

She saw that those weak eyes of his started to display a quite serious appearance, yet he continued to have that familiar, calm tone.

“You want the truth?  Yes, I fell–and I still am–in love with you.  I don’t know why or how, but I didn’t say anything all this time until now because I met and came to know you as someone who is in a relationship.  And I respected that relationship; I do still until now, believe it or not.  I’m not the kind of guy who takes advantage of damsels in distress and try to sweep you off from him.  I mean, I wanted to; but I didn’t.  So I just kept quiet and instead, tried to show you how someone like you should be treated.  I sided with you when you told me about your fights with him not only because of my feelings for you, but as a man, tell you how I would treat my girlfriend if I were in the exact same situation.”

He paused for a while, trying to recover from dealing with the rising emotions inside of him in spite of his weakening physical state.  She managed to stay silent, trying to let his words sink into her as he continued to talk.

“If only you knew how I felt wanting to be with you everyday; even if I know there isn’t a slightest chance you would consider me as someone who’s more than a friend.  Though I’d sometimes hope–and pray–that someday you’ll realize that the things I do for you are because I really do love you.  Going to work wasn’t a drag for me anymore, knowing that I’d see you there, and we’ll be talking about work and other stuff.  You became my reason for getting up every morning, and wanting my sleep at night to hurriedly end so I can look forward to another day with you.  Loving you from afar has made me very happy in a way; yet it sometimes makes me wonder how better it would be if you felt the same way for me.  It made me do stuff I never imagined I would do for someone, which made other people see it as an obvious sign of having those kinds of feelings for you; yet for some reason, you either dismiss them as very friendly gestures, or don’t see it at all.”

“Aside from those, I really loved making you happy.  Seeing you smile is something I really cannot get enough of.  You often tell me that you are not fond of your smile in your pictures; but I’m telling you now, I always melt inside when you smile–or even laugh–especially at me.  God, if I can only put into proper words the things going inside me when you tell me that you’re happy with what I’ve done for you, but I can’t.  It really is that inexplicable.  That is why I go through great lengths to make sure that you are always happy whenever you’re with me.  No cost is too big, no deed is too great, just for you to feel not an ounce of sadness.”

The sound of an opening door cut short his revelations as his mother, together with the doctor, came inside the room.  This was the doctor’s routine check, yet an unwelcome interruption nonetheless.  Instruments and levels were read closely.  The doctor intently then looked at him and asked, “how are you feeling?  Are the meds keeping down the pain?”

“I was actually on a roll until you barged in,” he jokingly replied in between sobs as he tried to burst the emotional bubble that he was in.  “Yes, they are doing a good job, doc.  Thanks.”  The doctor looked at the tubes that were connected to him.  “I’m just trying to make you as comfortable as possible,” the doctor said.  “I know,” he replied back.  “And I appreciate it and everything that you’ve done for me, doc.  But it’s now just a matter of time.”

She became surprised at what she heard.  “What?  Matter of time?  Which is?”

The doctor looked at her, gave her a wry smile but did not answer.  He then went to the mother at the end of the room and whispered something to her before heading to the door.  He held the door open for her as she looked at her son, trying to be strong in the final moments.  “I’ll be okay, ma,” he assured her.  “It’ll be nice and peaceful.”  She then went to the door, hesitated for a bit, then stepped out as the doctor followed her and closed the door behind him.

She was confused at what was going on.  All that she knew was that he was only sick, not near death.  “You are right where you should and I want you to be,” he said as she was still trying to make sense of the last few minutes.  “There are still some things I want to tell you, so please let me tell them to you before I am unable to do so.”

He then continued to tell her everything about his feelings for her, and the pains he felt as well.  How she had become a positive and guiding light to him in his time of confusion and acceptance of his mortality.  How there were many instances that he came close to telling her what he really felt, and the times when he wanted to give up.  He even reminisced all the stuff they had done together.  Tears were shed and laughter was heard.  All the while, their hands were held together.  It was an emotional, yet serene moment where he got more than what he expected.  She is there with him.  That was the only thing that mattered.  Though she tried several times to respond to his confession of sincere, true and unrequited love for her, he didn’t allow her to.  Until finally, silence took over as he breathed his last.  It was indeed nice and peaceful.  She then finally broke down as she realized what was lost as her cries filled the room.  The love that made and kept him alive, was also the one who accompanied him until the very end.

addressing the end (part five)

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“Where the hell are you?!  Do you know where we’re supposed to be right now?  Or what people are gonna say to me when we arrive late?!” he screamed in frustration.

“I know, I know,” was all she could begin with.  “Something came up and I’m at the hospital right now.  Please try to understand.”

“I couldn’t reach you for two days and now you’re in a hospital?  Why, what happened?” he replied back.

She tried her best to calmly explain what had happened over the last few days.  She knew it wouldn’t sit well with him, but there was no other way to tell it; not unlike the other times when she was able to make an excuse.  Her boyfriend was the jealous type, and having male friends is something he would have a final say on.  She was always able to think of ways not to arise his jealous temperament just to be able to be with…  him.  Yet there were times that her boyfriend was able to see the two of them together; and an argument would ensue afterwards.  Though she thought of leaving him, seemingly growing tired after having had numerous fights and arguments, but she never really did.

“Look babe, I’m sad to hear what happened to him.  But he’s just a colleague, right?  So you absolutely don’t have to be there.  So go home, get changed and I’ll come pick you up.” he quickly replied after hearing everything from her.

“He’s…  more than a colleague.  He has become… a friend to me,” she answered back.

“What?  A ‘friend?’  Since when did the two of you become ‘friends?’  You haven’t even mentioned that to me.  You always mention things like this to me.  I mean, what kind of ‘friend’ is he?  Does he do stuff for you?  Do you do stuff together?  How special is he to you?  Is that why you’re there instead of being with me right now?  What have you done for him?  Have you done anything special for him without me knowing?”  The questions kept firing from him as if he was right beside her.

“Listen, I don’t have time for this.  I’ll talk to you when you’re not pissed off, and when everything else has blown over, okay?  I’m hanging up,” she mentioned with finality.

“But babe—” was the last thing she heard as she hung up and turned off her phone for good measure.  She turned towards the ICU when it suddenly hit her.  His questions played right back in her mind as she stopped dead in her tracks.  She never imagined that he would be the way he is towards her.  During the times when they were together, it was him that always did something for her.  Though she would occasionally thank him, he kept making sure that her needs and some cravings were attended to.  He would always pay for their lunch, dinner or drinks after work; or when she saw something she thought looked nice on her, he would readily buy it for her.  He would accompany or bring her home whenever possible.  He patiently listened while she told about fight after fight she and her boyfriend had, or when their boss would bite her head off.  He was always there for her.  Though she had her suspicions that he might have feelings for her, she brushed it off, knowing that she’s in a relationship.  But despite all that, she unknowingly grew fond of him, and felt comfortable being with him.  And yet, she realized as tears started flowing from her eyes, that she never really did something that came close to resembling anything that he had done for her.

She started to run back to where he is.  As she entered the room, his mother was talking to him as he was somehow half-awake.  His mother was also in tears as she looked to see her as she stood just past the door.  “I’ll leave you two alone for now,” said the elder woman.  He moved his head in her direction and was able to manage a faint smile.  His mother made her way toward the door.  She then stopped to hug her before she left the room.  An awkward silence followed as the door closed.  She slowly made her way to him, wiping tears from her eyes.

“Hey,” she said, breaking the silence.

“Hi…  are you really here?”  he stuttered as he replied while looking intently at her eyes.

“Yes, I’m here,” she said, her voice starting to break as she reached his bedside and held his hand.  “Look, there are things—“

“No, wait,” he gently interrupted her.  “I have a lot to say to you, and I better say them now.  I never seriously asked anything from you, so please give me this,” he pleaded as he mustered some strength to press her hand, urging her to do this favor for him.  She tearfully nodded in silence and prepared to listen to him.

(to be concluded…  for real this time)

addressing the end (part four)

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She could hear the faint ring on her mobile phone get louder as she regained consciousness amidst a throbbing headache.  The past 48 hours have all been a blur to her:  his revelation at the office and his confession to her.  She remembered an argument, then all of a sudden, him collapsing and her trying to get help.  Between then and now, she tried to piece together everything in between while getting up from her bed.  Her phone stopped ringing as she took it and saw five missed calls.  It was the hospital that was trying to get in touch with her.  Upon realizing this, she hurriedly changed and went out.

Upon arriving, she proceeded to the Intensive Care Unit where he was confined.  The staff in that department recognized her and readily showed her in.  She was now outside his room, separated by a glass wall.  She looked at him as he was sleeping, with various instruments hooked up to him.

“He was asking for you all night,” a female voice said.  She turned around and saw an elderly woman standing just behind her.  She remained silent as she initially didn’t recognize who that person was.  Then she suddenly realized:  it’s his mother.  She finally got the courage to ask her, “how is he?”  “Stable,” was all the mother can reply as a start.  “But the doctors still don’t know for sure.”

She turned around and continued to look at him as his mother went to her side.  “You’re more beautiful in person.  No wonder he talked about you a lot,” the mother said, breaking the unusual silence.  “I wish we could have met under better circumstances,” she replied back.  “He talked a lot of things about you too.”  She then hesitatingly asked, “how long has he been…  sick?”  “Close to eight months now,” his mother said.  “He didn’t want anyone to know except us, the family.  He didn’t want anyone to feel sorry for him.  He wanted to continue living life as if nothing’s wrong.  The doctors initially gave him three months, but I noticed a change in him since he started talking about you from the time he first met you.  It’s as if he became more alive than ever.  He would tell how things went at work between you two and all the things he’s done for you which made him smile a lot.  But he told me also about your situation, but knowing my son, once he falls for someone, it’s for real.  And as a mother, I knew that he was deeply in love with you.  He even stopped taking his medication since he said that the pain wasn’t there anymore.  But still, we were careful.  Then about six weeks ago, he became very ill and that’s when the doctors said that the he needed aggressive treatment immediately.  That’s when his condition started to worsen.  I had to arrange to talk to your boss about him leaving the company and making sure that even he doesn’t know the real reason why.  I didn’t realize that things would escalate this quickly, and now he’s here.”

Tears started to fall from both their eyes as her phone rang again.  It was her boyfriend.  She tried to regain her composure as she excused herself to answer it.  His mother then proceeded inside the room and sat next to him.  The beeping sounds of the instruments was routinely interrupted by what can she only make out as her having an argument with someone on the phone outside the room.  She looked at him as he lay there, held his head, brushed his hair back and sobbingly whispered, “she’s here.  She’s finally here.  Wake up.  You have to get ready.  This is it.”

to be concluded…

addressing the end (part three)

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He gazed his teary eyes into hers as he finally admitted his long-standing feelings.  He never imagined when or how he would eventually tell her that fact, but here it is.  All that previously mattered to him was that he showed her what she meant to him; and how he would treat her if given the chance.  But his respect for her on-and-off relationship with her boyfriend kept him from telling her everything.  He did not want to be the one who “stole” her away despite the numerous opportunities that presented itself; he wanted to earn her love.

“I didn’t want to lose whatever we had, despite my condition,” he managed to continue as he slowly held her arms.  “For sure, things would’ve been different if…  if I told you.  And besides, you’re with him.  You love him.  Despite the arguments, the fights you two had, I can see that you still do love him.  And I wouldn’t want to jeopardize that.  Most people wouldn’t understand why, but I get it.  I know how you feel.  For my part, I just wanted to constantly see you smile, and I’d do anything, everything to make sure that you do.”  She was still reeling at the thought of him having feelings for her.  It did cross her mind on some occasions, but with him knowing all too well of her current relationship, she wouldn’t–didn’t–take it as something serious.

“Does anyone else here know about…  you know, what you feel?”  she finally asked him.

“I suppose so,” he replied.  “Some people have been telling me how obvious I am when it comes to you; and honestly, they actually thought you knew too but just didn’t pay any attention to it.”

“But still, why didn’t you tell me about your condition?” she then asked as she tried to piece two and two together.

“It’s just like what I said with everyone earlier.  I didn’t want to be treated or looked at differently,” he answered.  “Believe me, I wanted you to be the first one outside of my family to know.  But tell me, if I did tell you, would you have looked at me, or treated me any different?”

“God, of course!  This is your life we’re talking about!”

“See, that’s what I don’t want.  Sure, I would’ve gotten more attention from you–which would’ve been great and all–but it won’t be quite real because both of us know for a fact that one day soon, it’ll all be over because I’ll be…  gone.  I’d rather have the real you, not the one who would increasingly care for me just because my days are numbered.”  He was pacing around, trying to make her understand his point of view about the kind of relationship with her he preferred, not wanted.

He sat on the table so his eyes were at level with hers while she stood as he looked at her intently.  “All that matters to me right now is you,” he continued.  “I know you don’t feel the same way, and I understand that.  But I want to spend whatever time I have left to make you feel happy whenever you’re not; to be there for you whenever you’re alone; to listen to you when no one else does; to hug you whenever you feel down; and to love you from afar…  just like before.”

He was barely able to finish what he was saying when he felt a sharp pain on his side.  He winced in pain as his hand grabbed his ribs in a reflex to what he felt.  “What’s wrong?  Are you okay?” she asked as she tried to frantically understand what was going on.  “I…  don’t know…”  was all he could muster to answer as the pain’s intensity slowly rose.  He struggled to stand up as she tried to place his free arm on her shoulder.

“No…  don’t bother,” he said, stuttering, realizing what she was doing.  “I’ll be… okay.”

Then without warning, he collapsed to the floor and was unconscious.

to be continued…