emotional tug of war

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The following poem was shown to me last night by one of my new friends.  The common thing we have with this new group (which meets up on a weekly basis to have drinks, share stories, and enjoy the company) is our interesting, colorful, and uniquely complex personal or love lives.  As one of them mentioned in a photo caption, we are “human beings unceremoniously ignored by cupid’s romp.”  Now I’m no poem critic even though I do write those from time to time, but when I first read it, I cannot help but connect with what was written.  It is very simple, but well written; and I couldn’t imagine how such a conflict of emotions was put into very simple words.  She asked me to play with it some more, and post it here.  But upon reading it again when I woke up this morning, I could not find anything to add more to it, much less remove or edit anything.  So it is with much honor that I make this free verse poem public for everyone to see.  Truth be told, the essence of the poem is what I have been feeling for the past couple of weeks.  I hope everyone else enjoys it as much as I do.  So please, read on:

 

I don’t write poems.
I’ve been called unsweet.
I’ve been referred to as intimidating, too strong, and independent.
I thought I’m all these things.
Or I thought I was.
But here I am, writing a non-rhyming poem.
Wanting sweet moments.
Feeling insecure, weak, and dependent;
and at a loss on how to handle this.
I want you.
Yet I want to unwant you.
I think of you.
Yet I find myself looking for other thoughts.
Anything, except you.
I want to hate you.
But I find myself caring for you.
You mess me up.
I’m a mess.
But as I yearn to take hold of the old me, I find myself knowing that you’re the only one who can fix me.
You mess me up,
but only you can fix me.
Clarity.  Pure, clear irony.

 

Thank you so much for sharing this with me, Cheng.  Yes, you will be okay.  As for me and my so-called lovelife, like I mentioned on my previous entries, it’s her or never again.

 

paradox of paradoxes

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*rant mode: on*

What a way to begin the month. It was a roller coaster ride of emotions. Started by waking up from a bad dream the night before which was very vivid that I didn’t have the slightest drowsiness upon opening my eyes.  I had to literally sit down for a couple of minutes to compose and calm myself down.  And as I got ready to do the things needed at work today, I thought back on how things were the day before when I reaped praises from the company director on how I’m progressing with the office set up.  That somehow lifted me up and didn’t mind the usual traffic on the way to the office to have more meetings on getting repairs done.  I even had upbeat music on the background and was kind of moving my body along with the beat as I made my way through rush hour.

I was able to breeze through my morning meeting and even felt good that most of the things that were suggested the day before can be done and everything should be operational in a few weeks.  My excitement built up as I drove to pick up an item for someone who was excited in getting it as it took weeks of waiting for it to arrive.  Along with another item I was luckily able to get the day before, it made me all the more look forward to the reaction when I hand over those items.  I decided to drive back to a place near where we would meet so that I can finish the rest of my work and have my daily report ready.  It was already past mid-afternoon when all the things on my to-d0 list were done and all that’s left is to have the call with my boss.  I did, and he was also happy from what the company director told him about his visit, complimented me on a job well done and to continue doing what needs to be done.  I felt like I was on a roll that day.

I finally got to hand over the items, and the face reaction was priceless.  It felt good seeing happiness being radiated and I was also happy.  I was asked to help out with the work stuff and I gladly obliged.  We went to a place where there was good food and fast internet, so we were both having dinner while on our laptops; I was being given instructions on what to do, and I would follow intently and ask questions if something was amiss.  I did my part and finished what was asked of me.  Unfortunately, there was a need to log in early so we finished things up hurriedly and left.  We were still quite a way’s distance from the office building when I was told that it was far enough.  Apparently, she doesn’t want to be seen with me because she might get “gossiped” at the office (which has happened before when someone saw us together when I dropped her off).  Though this was not the first time that was mentioned to me, I never thought that the notion was serious.

Honestly, I felt like a ton of bricks fell on me.  That’s how close I can describe my emotions right that second when those words were uttered.  Are you ashamed to be with me? Am I not that worthy to be seen with you, even as a friend?  So why can’t you stand up for me as one?  I know I’m not attractive or handsome that can match with the beauty that you have, but why throw me aside like used toilet paper?  If you don’t do that to your other friends who you go out with, then why me?  What’s so different about me in particular?  I won’t be surprised that you’re not even proud to have me as a “friend;” and that I don’t get mentioned the slightest bit when you have conversations with other people, or with your other circle of friends as someone who you can count on when you need someone to help you out, or has always been there for you. Truth be told, you have not even introduced me to any of your friends or to your colleagues when we come across them by chance. I can’t understand what’s the big deal with what other people think about you when they see that you’re with someone like me.  It’s none of your business anyway.  But I guess you have your reasons. In any case, so be it. It’s part of who you are, and I have to accept that.

I am sorry that I do not meet your standards as someone who is truly worthy to be seen with you.  I am sorry that I am not someone you can be proud to show off to other people. And I am sorry that I am not a more good-looking friend. I really am. At least I now know all too well that I’ll be treated that way again… and again… and again.  But that will not stop me from always being there for you, making sure that you are always happy and that you are treated the way you should be. Why? Because you are much more than a friend to me. And if I can treat you like I do when you are at your best, I can do the same when you are at your worst.

Maybe one day, things will be different.  Maybe someday, you’ll speak praises about me; or at least be proud of me.  Maybe there will be a time when you would want me to be seen with you, or that it wouldn’t matter to you if we are seen together. Until then, I’ll just keep silent whenever you would cast me aside. And most probably, when that time comes when you do otherwise, I’ll also just keep silent since I’ll already be six feet under.

Goodnight, beautiful.  #youknowwhoyouare

*rant mode: off*

the epitome of beautiful

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Here’s a realization I had today in the midst of getting my work tasks done. I wrote it down immediately so as not to lose the train of thought I was having; as well as the momentum that came with it, so here goes:

For me, using the word “beautiful” to describe someone these days has taken a whole new meaning. It is now more than just outright physical appearance: It’s the way how someone captures me and my imagination.

To start off, it’s wanting to know what’s behind those expressive, yet enchanting eyes when they look or stare at me and makes me melt; or at times, how she sees right through me. The way she exhudes confidence in the way she carries herself in whatever outfit she decides to wear that fits her mood for the day; how she flashes that sweet, sweet smile at me which always takes my breath away; the manner in how she flips her hair, or runs her finger above her ear, putting her locks behind it; having that pensive look when she’s serious, whether while busy with her work on something or in the midst of finding a solution to a problem; the way she talks and explains herself that makes me captivated to listen and understand every word she says, proving without a doubt that she is intelligent as she is gorgeous; how she laughs very naturally and emits that contagious vibe of sheer joy whenever she does; the way she commands respect and awe every time she arrives or enters a room that makes other people’s attention gravitate toward her; that straight-arrowed feistyness in getting her point across and her determination to defend herself in an argument, especially if she firmly believes that she’s right; having the right combination of innocence and playfulness which leaves me wondering what comes next; even in the way she sleeps, takes a nap, or break down and cry which shows she’s also human after all. But above it all, it is her always having that indescribable aura around and within her that leaves me wanting to be with her more and more each day that passes, and makes me fall head over heels in love with her every time we’re together.

With all the women who came and went in my life, only one has shown all of those. And I can ultimately say that no one else will ever come close to how she is with everything I mentioned; and that I will never use the word “beautiful” to describe someone else ever again. That, in a nutshell for me, is her personified.

Goodnight, beautiful. #youknowwhoyouare

What Loving Her Means

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I don’t do re-blogs of other entries, but I couldn’t help doing it for this article from Thought Catalog because of the sheer truth that encompasses it, and how it exactly puts into words what and how I really feel about loving her. It is really how loving someone should be; at least both from the author’s and my perspective. Enjoy reading.

a heart’s final resolve

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I haven’t done poetry in a while so I may be a bit rusty; but here goes:

Learning to live without your constant presence has been difficult lately,

And acting normally after what happened is a struggle to do.

Remembering all that we did together and what we have is what I do oftenly,

In every waking moment, what’s on my mind is you.

Sometimes I wish that you would come to understand

Seeing you is the only thing I need to make my day complete;

And even though you consider me only as a friend,

Your eyes and smile at me will always hasten my heartbeat.

Until when I stand upon the presence of death,

Making sure you’re always happy is what I intend to do;

Until the day I draw my last breath,

Loving and missing you is the only thing my heart will do.

Whatever happens, however painful it gets, and even if it takes forever, I’ll always be here for you.  #youknowwhoyouare