13 things i hate about myself

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Rarely do I get the chance of using my brother’s personal laptop at home, so now that I have that opportunity, I decided–among other things like checking Cafe World on Facebook–to post a new entry on my blog.  The topic at hand was taken from a friend’s blog as well, as I was blog-hopping yesterday to find new topics to write about.  I’ve been focusing too much on the upcoming elections and topics of social relevance that I thought to myself, “I oughta find something new to write about.”  And since I haven’t posted an entry about myself for the longest time, this was just right.

 

Come to think of it, I never seriously considered if there are or were things that I hate(d) about myself.  I’ve never been the self-reflective type.  I always thought that I say and act the things I feel because I’m me.  For the most part, my personality has been reflective of a real Gemini–whose symbolism is the twins–meaning I have a good side and a “dark” side.  Physically, i’ve never given too much attention to my anatomy, thinking that I was born this way, and I’ll stay this way until the day I die.  But as they say, there’s always a first time for everything, so this one’s for the history books.  I’ve always been known to write entries without the use of drafts, and I could honestly say that this is definitely one of them.  I think as I write, and I write as I go.  By the way, some of these traits may or may not be present in me at the moment, but at least I still count them as such.  So, in no particular sequence or order, and each with a brief explanation as to why, here are the 13 things I hate(d) about myself (and I’m hoping that I’ll get to at least 10):

 

1.  I fall (fell) in love easily – thinking of the first one took me a good three minutes.  This was very evident during my college years until my late twenties.  I guess together with the raging hormones (I really had to put that one there, huh?), the thought of being in a relationship was somewhat a security blanket for me because I was kinda afraid that I would end up being alone.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not using falling in love as an excuse to be in a relationship, but rather, the thought of loving a woman the way I know how is enough for me to at least be happy for myself and feel that I’m doing something good for myself.

 

2.  I’m intimidated by beautiful and gorgeous women – this is true up until today.  I obviously hate it because as a guy who likes beautiful women, I am unable to strike a conversation with them easily either when I’m introduced, or want to introduce myself.  I can’t seem to put a finger as to why, but it all boils down to this stupid reasoning:  “why would someone like her be talking or even paying attention to someone like me?  with how I look physically, I ain’t on the same league as her.”  Self-confidence issues?  Yeah, maybe, but I’ve been known to host parties, go onstage and make a fool of myself.  But somehow, with beautiful women, I can’t seem to wear my mask of self-confidence and be like how I am in front of my friends.  It’s a work in progress, and it’s definitely backlogged already.

 

3.  I get distracted easily – this applies in a variety of ways.  I get distracted when the goal I’m aiming for isn’t that important, or what I’m doing isn’t important enough.  Not a lack of focus, but rather, lack of solid reason why I’m doing what I’m doing.  Of course, there are a few exceptions to this, and one of them is driving.  One major accident (it was major to me) close to five years ago helped me get rid of being distracted while driving.  But with other things, sometimes I have to remind myself constantly in order for me to keep on going.

 

4.  My face, hair, body, and uhm… down there – enough said.  I wish I was more physically fit, physically attractive, had a hair that doesn’t have a mind of it’s own, and more well-endowed down there, but I ain’t.  That’s a fact I can’t hide from.  And that makes me hate it even more.  Moving on…

 

5.  It takes (took) me too long to get over a lost love – That’s not the case now, but boy, was I a clinger back then.  Looking back, it was something I was even proud of.  I’m all romantic and stuff, but realizing the missed opportunities I may have had if I moved on during the time I was supposed to, I now hate that aspect of my life.

 

6.  Almost always being the last one to know about stuff – They say that sometimes, it’s better not to know stuff, but not to me.  I’d rather be in the know about what goes on (especially in the workplace) than to be that dumb bloke who is laughed at and no one wants to talk to because I don’t know sh*t.  For the record, I’m no gossip, but when I get to know something, I don’t necessarily share it immediately with someone.  I wait for it to be brought up before I give my opinion on it.  Believe me, there were times that I didn’t have the slightest clue about something, yet everyone else knows all too well.

 

7.  Being indecisive at times – Even though I gathered enough information or background about something I need to do, buy, or just make a decision on, i can still get stumped.  Maybe it’s those little angels and devils sitting on my shoulders trying to win me over.  Though this happens rarely nowadays, I still hate it when I’m at that point in time.

 

8.  Being impulsive at times – Complete opposite of number seven, this also happens when I want something too quickly.  And there were times that I wasted good resources on something that isn’t really worthwhile.

 

9.  My reliance on technology and convenience – I am guilty of this.  Though I don’t completely hate this one about me, I just realized how far I have come from what was virtually tech-free back then.  I didn’t have a car, a mobile phone, internet, and cable TV during my younger years, but I was quite contented with my life.  With all these conveniences, my younger self would’ve kicked my present ass when it comes to doing what needs to be done.

 

10.  Losing all my “Choose Your Own Adventure” books – I had a shelf-load of those books back in high school but now, I don’t
have even one saved.  I honestly don’t know where they are now; probably thrown in the garbage without me knowing it.  I really loved those books and it made reading a hobby and a pastime.  Though I have a small keepsake box for all my memorable stuff, those set of books were the priceless things I didn’t put enough effort to preserve.  Damn it.

 

11.  Being the one at fault for “breaking” the Family Computer System – This was back during the rage of the Family Computer (Nintendo Entertainment System).  There was a peripheral for inserting a gun port (for games like “Duck Hunt”) that was rarely used.  I got information from a friend that on a specific game, if you place a coin in between the slots of the peripherals, the screen will change to a number corresponding which level of the game you want to play.  Wanting to finish the game outright, I tried doing that and instead of a number appearing on the screen, it went blank and the unit stopped functioning.  Upon diagnosis of the damage, it was a busted chip caused by the coin’s material on the port.  Needless to say, I was borrowing Family Computer sets from a friend from then on.  Sheesh!

 

12.  Not being able to experience a real prom – Being in an all-boys school is no excuse.  I already had a date during my junior year, but she stood me up.  So, the following year, I went solo.  I knew I could’ve done better, but I didn’t.  And with that, I missed one of the most important events in a growing man’s life.

 

13.  Being single – also enough said.  Although I mostly enjoy being single and the freedom that comes along with it, the thought that at my age, I don’t have a decent, stable relationship with a woman is a concern.  I don’t quite hate it that much yet, but it’s getting there.

 

Wow, I did reach 13!  Some took longer to think than others.  Yet even if I have these things about myself, I don’t hate myself entirely because of it.  Most of the things that were listed are results of events or mistakes I’ve made and since then, I have gotten over them and look upon them as lessons learned.  And some are current traits that I have learned to live with and find a way around it (especially with number 13).  I don’t have any regrets in life.  I believe that mistakes are there for a person to learn from, and having regrets just means a refusal to learn.  Of course, there may be more that’ll be added to the list as time goes on, but again, what’s important is you live your life the way you want to.  Live life.  Make mistakes.  Sh*t happens.  Never look back.  And most importantly, enjoy the ride.

 

tune-up

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Yesterday, the whole country was at another standstill as Manny Pacquiao convincingly won over Joshua Clottey.  While that is and will be the talk of the town for I guess the entire week, i’m more focused on another aspect of that event:  the singing of our national anthem.
 
For the nth time, the singing of the national anthem deviated from how it’s supposed to be sung.  I may be a modern Filipino, but there are some historical things that i find are “untouchable,” and one of them is the way our national anthem is sung.  For the record, the composer of Lupang Hinirang, Julian Felipe, made the anthem as a march.  It’s supposed to be sung at a 4/4 (four by four) pace.  That’s how I grew up listening and singing to every god damn day during my school days and I don’t see anything wrong with it.  I’m not against modernization of things, but the national anthem?  C’mon, during the last couple of years when Manny Pacquiao fights and someone sings the national anthem beforehand, Mr. Felipe–God rest his soul–would’ve turned countless times in his grave!  I just can’t imagine any other way of singing it other than how it was historically made.  If the anthem was composed as a march, why do we need to change it? It’ll be a slap on the face of Mr. Felipe who is an integral part of our nation’s history fighting for the very freedom of our nation against the Spaniards!
 
Just for comparison (and something that I have already noticed way before), line up all of Manny Pacquiao’s fights against boxers from Mexico.  Why?  Because Most of Manny’s fights were against Mexicans and more importantly, their national anthem is also composed as a march.  Now, If you will watch closely on how our national anthem was sung in those fights, you’ll get at least four or five variations.  On the other hand, if you will see how the Mexican national anthem is sung, it’s constant.  No over-the-top, ear-splitting vocal stretches, no tempo changes, not even a musical accompaniment.  They stuck with the program, how it’s supposed to be sung and never even thought of changing it.  Why?  It’s the ultimate respect they give to the composer of their national anthem.  Question is, why can’t we do the same?
 
According to the National Historical Institute, how the national anthem is sung is decreed by law.  So that means, previous singers and/or so-called balladeers who deviated from singing it the proper way, are violating the law and therefore should be charged in court.  Believe me, I’m a big fan of Martin Nievera, but he crossed the line with his own rendition.  Changing the way our national anthem is being sung should stop here and now.  Let us not teach our children on how to sing the national anthem in school and then completely change it when they grow up.  Arnel Pineda said that he “sung it from his heart.”  Well, if you really did, then you should have retraced your school days and recalled how it was sung and sing it that way!  I say let all those who sang it differently from how it was supposed to be, be charged in court.  If no one is made an example now, there will be another four or five variations of the national anthem in the coming years.
 
The national anthem is our country’s official song.  It is part of history in which people fought, bled, and died for.  How it was composed is how the way it should be sung.  We are used to seeing the Star Spangled Banner, the national anthem of the United States of America, be sung in a dramatic way.  And it should be, because that was composed as a ballad, not a march.  We shouldn’t be blinded by awe and spectacle of modern times that  we need to make changes to a piece of history such as our national anthem just to fit our way of living.  Singing it in the proper way the is the ultimate act of respect we can give to Mr. Julian Felipe, and all those who were part in making that anthem a rallying song for our unity as a people, showing how proud we are as Filipinos whether we start our day in school, or standing on foreign shores before any competitive sport or activity.  I implore every Filipino rich or poor, famous or not, please sing our Lupang Hinirang the right way.
 

playing with numbers

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For almost the past two weeks, the major story being carried by local news organizations is the increased number of people who became HIV-positive, majority of which came from the contact center or BPO industry.  Since then, it has been the talk of the town and on blogs.  I have read some of them that put some new perspectives into the issue.  Having been in the industry since 2001, I couldn’t resist reacting on the said issue.  But before doing so, I did my own analysis on the subject and looked back on my own experiences (which are very, very, and i mean very limited when it comes to, well, office fornication) in the different call centers i’ve worked for.  And one main bottomline of it all is:  it’s a numbers game.  And call centers tend to have the most numbers.
 
First off, sex in the workplace–or rather sex with co-workers–is nothing new.  Eventually, it happens.  Maybe not to everyone, but there will always be a percentage of the workforce in whatever industry who will anonymously admit that they have slept with one or a few co-workers.  But, most of that action will definitely come from the people in the contact center industry.  Statistics show that there are more people ages 23-35 working in contact centers than in the banking and manufacturing sectors.  And of course, people in that age group have relatively raging hormones.  That, plus the rigors of the night shift, stress, and–let’s face it–good looks, will eventually lead to getting it on.  Believe it or not, i’m not that part of that group, which honestly, sucks.  With all the things i’ve witnessed and heard stories of (s)excapades in the four call centers i’ve been in, i’m beginning to question why I haven’t been part of the action.  Or am I hanging out with the wrong crowd?  Moving forward, I’ll either be more receptive or more aggressive… hahahaha!!
 
Secondly, medical check-ups or examinations.  The only reason the Department of Health’s (DOH) report that majority of the new HIV-positive people came from the contact center industry is because there are more employees working there who regularly undergo annual medical check-ups than any other industry.  Because let’s face it:  working night shifts is no joke and these companies take good care of their employees when it comes to their health.  I’m not saying that other industries don’t have medical check-ups, they do.  Pre-employment and… uh… er… I guess whenever they feel like it.  But if these other companies diligently have their own annual (at least) medical examinations, those figures would definitely increase as well.  Medical coverage in contact centers is by far, the best one among other industries.  I mean, where else can one get HMO coverage upon hire?  Sales?  Banking?  You have to wait at least three months (mostly six) before you can get medical coverage.
 
Having spent nearly 10 years in the contact center industry, does the report bother me?  Not one bit.  Neither was I surprised.  In the end, it’s all up to the person and his or her responsibility to protect themselves from contracting the disease.  Is it also a moral issue?  I don’t think so.  I was actually waiting for the Catholic Church to react to that report saying that our moral fiber has deteriorated, hence the increased number of people positive for HIV, but good thing they did not.  And hopefully they won’t.  The last thing we need here is another trumpet-type-preaching by the church on how immorality is ruining our lives.  And i’m saying that with the image of the Blessed Virgin Mary right beside me.  Related to this, that is why I am supporting the Reproductive Health (except for any that leads to planned abortion) bill that is still pending in Congress.  What we need is increased awareness in promoting safe sex.  It is an added alternative to the age-old teaching of abstinence of sex until marriage.  Awareness gives people choices.  This is definitely one number we should increase.
 
As for me, well, that’s why I always have a three-pack ready wherever I go…  except to Sunday mass, of course.  Stay safe!
 

awakenings

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20 years of martial rule, six years of democratic recuperation, another six years of gaining momentum, three years of plunder, and 9 years of unabashed and unchecked mismanagement.  Looking at almost five decades of history, i only ask one question:
 
“As a nation and as a people, what have we become?”
 
Can we really, truly say that we are proud to be called Filipinos?  Back in my college years, when my social consciousness was still in it’s infancy, you’ll hear me brag about being truly Filipino despite my father working in the US and not giving a damn thing about what’s going on around the country.  Yet as I moved on and became a taxpayer in my own right, slowly becoming a spectator in the world of local politics, business, entertainment, lifestyle and society; even with all the negativity surrounding all those aspects, I still stood firm on my stand that no matter what happens, I wouldn’t leave this country in exchange for a better life somewhere else in the world.
 
But during these past couple of years, I started to see the horror that has plagued our nation as a whole.  When and how it started, I or we may never know.  Yet I bet almost all of us will point in one direction as to where it came from:  the government.  That may, in some cases be true, but I think it came from all of us, me included.  And what is this plague i’m talking about?  It’s an unnamed, immeasurable, unquantifyable… “thing” that I believe can only be found here in our country.  Don’t kid yourselves, you’ve all seen it.  You either put it off saying, “it’s in our nature,” or “it has always been like that,” or just don’t give a damn because it doesn’t directly involve you.  And with that mentality, comes the bigger problem.  Is it indifference?  Maybe, but on a much bigger and different scale.  Don’t get me wrong, we Filipinos always put our finger on almost everything.  The problem with most of us is, we don’t give attention to things worth giving attention to, and we give all of our attention to things that we should care less about.
 
Misguided social consciousness you say?  Maybe.  As I mentioned earlier, if it doesn’t affect us personally, then it’s not worth giving any thought about it.  Is that how rudely selfish we have become?  I once saw a segment on a local gag show parodying a current affairs program where a journalist goes around the streets of the metro asking pedestrians at random on what the sign, “No Jaywalking” means.  Expectedly, there were very funny and absurd answers.  But kidding aside, that got me thinking, how in the world do these people not know what the sign means?  On a similar example from personal experience:  in malls, there’s a ceratin section dedicated to pedestrians crossing the street being manned by either security guards or traffic enforcers.  And yet when pedestrians are being told to stay where they are until all cars come to a halt, still there are who could care less and just cross the street at will.  It’s a simple instruction that, for the life of me, I can’t understand why some people still ignore.  It may be a tiny bit in what i’m trying to point out, but believe me, it affects who we are as a person.
 
I could numerate countless and countless examples of “misguided social consciousness” (that’s the term i’m using until I can find a more suitable one), but let me get right to the most current one:  we all know that this is election year, and unfortunately, during the middle part of last year, we started seeing these so-called “infomercials” on TV by persons who would be candidates for national positions trying to identify themselves (or their “advocacies”) to the people.  And this, despite a law in effect that forbids early election campaigning.  C’mon, it doesn’t take a complete retard to know that it is blatant campaigning!  Just because it doesn’t say “vote for..” in the ad doesn’t mean it’s not campaign material!  I for one became sick of these ads that I nearly committed to myself not to vote in the elections.  And what did we do about these ads?  Nothing.  Absolutely nothing.  And yet when some local celebrity makes a scandal, statement or fuss out of a certain group of people, government and law-making bodies and religious organizations go gaga over denouncing it.
 
Again, I beg the question:  “what have we become?”
 
Putting the spotlight again on the elections, more specifically the voting population, the battlecry these days seem to be, “change.”  We all want change, we all clamor for change.  We even have that fat, ugly lady prouncing around like an idiot named “change.”  But are we ready for change?  Are we capable of change?  Change is defined as (correct me if i’m wrong) “the process of becoming or making different.”  Based on that thought, do you percieve that just because a person is a son of a former senator and president makes him qualify for change?  Do you perceive a former businessman making loads and loads of money and spending it on forcing his advocacies down our throats as change?  How about a person convicted (mind you, “convicted”) of plunder, does he constitute change?  Or a person identified with the current administration, does he promote change?  If we want change, we should start with ourselves and how we do things.  Yet it doesn’t mean that when one leader goes astray, we all take the streets and demand an ouster.  What worked once or twice cannot work all the time (hence  there is what is called “rule of law”).  If we rely on campaign jingles as basis of electing our next leader, then that is not change.  If we rely on sympathy as basis for propelling someone to the presidency, then that is not change.  If undecided voters use survey results to go with who is popular to choose who to vote for, that is not change.
 
To put a more serious spin on a superhero line, “with democracy comes the greatest of responsibilities.”  Yes, we do live in a democracy.  Sadly, in general, we’re irresponsible citizens.  I’ll also go out on a limb and also state that Filipinos are politically immature.  With the kind of set up we have now, it puts fact to that statement.  Now, since the answer to my question at the top of this entry is quite the negative one, I now pose a follow-up:
 
“What are we going to do about it?”
 

gathering my thoughts

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I’ve decided to start 2010 with two things:  seriously get back in physical shape and seriously get back in writing shape.  Now that i’ve started the former, it’s time to make good on the latter.  I have to honestly admit, i lost my passion for writing in 2009 (i seriously think “lost” is an understatement).  But don’t get me wrong, I had lots of things on my mind worth writing about during the 12 months of the previous year, but for some weird, unexplainable reason, I didn’t have the drive, the passion, to write it down.  Have I lost my writing skills?  God, I hope not.  This is one of the things I am definitely most proud of and consider it a “talent” (for lack of a better description).  Yet where I did do most of my writing during the past year was either on Facebook or Twitter which had their own fair share of responses and comments.  But looking back, I’d say I could’ve done better by laying out all my feelings and emotions on those statuses on my blog (as i always do), but, I didn’t.  I even said around the same time last year that i’d put more emphasis on blogging… which I failed to do.  But, as they say, the yesterday has gone, tomorrow looms ahead, and today is for making the most out of it… or something like that.  I’ve gone in search of my passion for writing and hopefully i’ll get it back, one post at a time.  This being an important year for us Filipinos, I suppose it’s no better time to start writing more about what’s happening around us, but that’s not to compromise personal stuff as well.

 

Wow, my first post for 2010.  Hopefully it won’t be the last.  It’s time to stop talking and start writing.

 

But, what if writing IS talking…  Go figure.

 

By the way, I can be followed on Twitter:  @markie9.