he was alone as his body tried to relax sitting down, his eyes focused like a thoroughbred with blinders on a race track.  the sound of falling rain didn’t mind him as he tried to grasp what was happening.  he wanted to scream his heart out, but can only manage a deafening silence as reality sets in.  all the while, he thought he knew something, but brushed it off.  the late nights she came home, the whispered phone conversations in the next room, occasions when he caught her staring into nothingness, the rain checks she had given him.  though the passion of love still engulfed them, there were times that he sensed that she had something–or someone–else on her mind.  now, the house is empty, void of her enchanting and illuminating presence; the halls, quiet from her vibrant laughter and soothing voice; his life, spun into uncertainty.

they met three years earlier at the lobby of a well-known corporation.  turns out that they were the remaining two candidates vying for regional vice president.  he had a commanding, yet charming presence, was sharply dressed, ruggedly confident, eyes that gave ladies a look that was to die for, and had a masters degree to boot.  she, on the other hand was classy and elegant, athletic, had beauty pageant-like curves, had her long, black hair tied down, and with matching small glasses that made her look like a snobbish librarian; but had that killer smile that no man almost cannot say no to.  these were all enough for both of them to strike an awkward and uneasy conversation with each other while waiting for their respective appointments.  they understood that only one of them will eventually get the job, but that didn’t stop that first conversation from turning into coffee dates, park strolls, book-reading conventions, pizza tuesdays, bowling challenges, and comedy night.  eventually, they moved in together for they couldn’t be more right for each other.  she made him take control of his life, while he let her explore her dreams.

it was three years of blissful love and unwavering romance.  he told her everything about himself, while she, all but once aspect of her past.  more than once, she used a line from the movie, titanic, which goes, “a woman’s heart is but an ocean of secrets,” but had assured him that whatever is from the past, stayed there.  he believed her, but couldn’t tell to himself whether he was sure of it.  eventually, the arguments started.  although they would always find a way to patch things up, things would only get worse.  he wanted to find out what who was she constantly talking to, while she assured him that it was nothing.  still, there were times that he just simply let her do what she wants.  in turn, she felt like he didn’t care enough.  talking to a close friend made him realize that her past didn’t matter.  neither their arguments.  what is, was their love for each other and what’s ahead of them, facing it together.  he rushed home that day, bouquet and gift in hand, only to find her gone.  for weeks, he searched for her night and day to the point of exhaustion.  until one day, he was told by someone where she was.  he didn’t care where, he had to see for himself.

he was still seated when he finally fell to his knees as tears came down like rain.  his cries drowned out by thunder, the darkness flashed by lightning.  uncertainty and discord ran through his mind, as with the happy moments of their past together.  the love he gave her, the warmth she gave him, those magical years together, all lead to a one-worded thought he screamed into the night:  “why?”  his hands then fell to the ground, one still clutching that gift he planned to give her that day he came rushing home.  it was small in nature, but forever in meaning.  the rain didn’t wash away the tears, it only helped hide them as he stared grievingly into the freshly laid coffin in the ground.

i’ve mentioned on numerous occasions that i’ll be more updated here in my blog.  and on those same occasions, i end up failing to be true to that statement.  i can’t seem to find out why, or whether i still have what it takes to write whatever i feel on a more personal level (rather than mostly political and social, as you may have noticed).  so last night, i took the time to go and backread on almost half of all my blog entries, starting from the most recent.  not just the entries, but the comments as well.  it took me until way past midnight, but i remember smiling at each and every entry i’ve made over the years.  yes, given that most of my entries were quite sad in nature, and even harsh to some people; but as i have always been, i never, ever hold anything back.  in going back through those posts, i hoped to rekindle the fire that made me start blogging in the first place.  last night’s trip town memory lane helped a bit, creating that spark again that will hopefully result in the flame burning brightly again.  maybe i need to backread some more, but at least that’s a start.

as they say, sometimes you need to go back a step or two in order to proceed two or three steps forward.  i just hope that with the success of my initial goal this year, it would rub off here as well.  i’m not making any promises… yet, but with accessing history at my fingertips, i hope to find my way back to where i want to be.

Just this week, our country has experienced one of the most–how do I say this–uhm, “profound” emotional roller coaster rides we’ve had in recent memory.  From a very shocking, disappointing, and unimaginably embarrassing resolution of the Manila Bus Hostage drama, to an uplifting, pain-soothing fifth place finish in the Miss Universe pageant.  Still, days after, we’re still reeling from the backlash–both positive and negative–from those two events.  And while everybody has had their fair share (myself included) in commenting, criticizing, analyzing, swearing, and blaming on these two incidents, the bottomline is this:  we both had opportunities to step up to the plate, hold our heads high and do our country proud in front of the entire world.  But alas, we failed.

The series of events on August 23, 2010 is a prime example of a deteriorating situation.  A 10-hour fuse that was lit and the only end of that was a bomb.  Hong Kong tourists, on a last day of happily frolicking in our nation’s capital before going back to the reality of their homeland, instead met the mind of an unstable, trigger-happy, cordite-sniffing, disgruntled ex-policeman who probably watched the premiere showing of “The Taking of Pelham 123” on HBO the night before and woke up Monday morning telling himself, “if Ryder (the character in the movie) can get New York City to give him money, maybe I can get back my job by doing the same.  Only this time, I’ll raise the stakes and hostage tourists instead of locals.”  Upon receiving initial word of the incident, the top brass of the Manila Police District thought that this dismissed cop was just looking for publicity, and thus failed to acknowledge the seriousness of the situation.  They probably thought, “he was one of us, so it’ll be easy to talk to him.”  Probably so, and with his constant release of some of the hostages, they then fell into a false sense of security that the situation will end peacefully and in a short amount of time.  I’m no expert, but should all hostage incidents have the same high level of seriousness elicited from the police?  In all accounts, from the lack of perimeter security from both media and on-lookers, the constant, casual parading of the hostage-taker on the front door of the bus and brandishing his firearms, to the involvement of the hostage-taker’s brother, the police force failed to enforce what I think should be rule number one in this case:  secure the situation.  From controlling the media and the gathering crowd, to having a systematic, singular talking point to the hostage taker.  That wasn’t clearly established.  And did they ever think that with the hostage-taker’s demand to get back his job, isn’t that enough information that this would end with him laid out on a stretcher?  I mean, who in the right mind would ask to get back a lost job by taking hostages?  Is there any simple logic in that?  And of course, we all saw what happened when the so-called “assault” on the bus happened that night.  I need not emphasize any further.  The writing’s clearly on the wall and I’ll leave what was shown on live TV all over the world to speak for itself.

Now, we’re suffering the wrath of Hong Kong citizens and dismayed people all over the world for a seriously botched police undertaking.  One other thing:  positioned snipers reported numerous times early on in the afternoon that they had clear shots to take out the hostage-taker.  It’s either the ground commander was too chicken to give the order to kill a fellow policeman, or he doesn’t want to face the ire of the Commission on Human Rights for violations.  I know this much:  I’d rather see one hostage-taker dead from a lone sniper shot that would’ve ended everything at once, have zero hostage casualties and earned the respect and admiration of Hong Kong and perhaps the world, than have a hostage incident drag way into the night and have one hostage-taker together with seven hostages dead through an embarrassing, asses-kicked “rescue” operation that had a worldwide audience watching their every mistake.

But that’s just one part.  The all-powerful local media is as much to blame as the police in how badly the situation ended.  In eagerness to get exclusive vantage points and bring the latest developments to stunned and shocked viewers, they overlooked what was then ever-present:  the element of danger.  Not to the reporters and cameramen (who were later ego-fed by being called “brave” by one news anchor at the end of the news program), but of the hostages themselves.  These media outfits should know that in any hostage scenario, maximum publicity is the goal of the hostage-taker.  Giving in via live updates and reports only fans the flame that would lead–or in this case, have led–to how things ended.  They never thought that the hostage-taker has access to radio and TV on the bus (which almost all buses have) and could see the developments outside the bus.  If you have watched Die Hard 1 and 2, the character of Richard Thornburg (a local news reporter) has the same attitude as what our local media giants have.  Never mind the danger that can be caused to the hostages by live reporting, as long as it is being made “for the benefit of everyone.”  It’s high time that our local media, in extremely sensitive and dangerous scenarios such as hostage incidents, should exercise responsibility, forward-thinking and that not everything is a ratings game.

With a very sad Monday ending, the country turned its eyes to our representative to the Miss Universe pageant to help us save face by giving it her all in the competition that aired the next day.  Personally, I wondered if she’ll ever get selected to the top 15 because I never really found her beautiful.  Or rather, Miss Universe material.  Not one bit.  Okay, so the pre-pageant thingies made her an early favorite, but i was still skeptical.  This much I knew:  if she can get to the top 15, top 10, or top five, I was very, very sure that she wouldn’t win it all.  It was a hunch I had long ago when her Miss Philippines crown was given back to her after that birth certificate scandal she went through.  I actually chose Miss Australia to make a run for the crown.  When she did make it to the top five together with our candidate, I was confident about my pick.  Just like with what happened the day before, we all saw–together with the entire world–what went down in the final question.  I was actually expecting a difficult question from Mr. Baldwin to test our candidate’s intellect.  But no.  Her question was, for me, by far the easiest among all the other questions that were asked.  And what did our candidate answer?  She answered with her nervousness and let pressure take over.  Even though you treat mistakes as learning points in life, she should’ve at least singled out one out of her many (i’m sure she has many, because hey, everybody makes mistakes) that she has had.  When she gave her answer (and in the way she said it), i clasped my hands and was definitely convinced that she will not be crowned Miss Universe.  Being the first to be called as fourth runner-up further cemented the effect her answer had, and what I knew from the very start.

In h
er defense, people say that it is hard when you’re on stage in front of the entire world answering a question that’ll make or break your chances of winning.  But then I ask, isn’t that what training for the pageant is there for?  I mean, it was even shown on one local news report how she was being trained by being asked questions by different people on a round table, and even on a small stage.  I’m also thinking that there’s another thing that led to her being overcome by pressure:  her attitude.  Either she was too confident of herself because of her being labeled a pre-pageant favorite, or that she was just “happy to be in” the top 15, top 10, and top five.  And what did she say afterwards regarding the missed chance to win it all?  Nothing.  It’s like, if she was back there again and asked the same question, she’ll give the exact same answer.  Are you nuts?!  That kind of thinking is what probably made you fourth-runner up!  And you still had the fortitude to smile about it?  I would’ve respected you more if you admitted and apologized for your mistake and maybe even sulked in one corner for blowing the chance you had.  I mean, I may be a “lowered-expectations” kinda guy, but if i’m given the chance to win big for flag and country and lost due to a simple thing, I would’ve beaten myself and apologized immensely.  And her thinking is what affects most of us.  We’re “ok” with what she has accomplished and that’s enough.  We don’t strive hard enough to be number one, or to be the best.  Not that there’s nothing wrong with what she’s brought to the country–especially after what happened the day before–but we should, moving forward, change the attitude in sending delegates to any competition.  We cannot just represent, we have to have that mindset that we’ll compete to win, and win big.  Being happy to be there should only occupy about five percent of the overall mindset of any competitor, beauty queen delegate, or any other contestant our country sends.  The rest should be focused on winning.

These two worldwide witnessed events have taught us and our country a lesson.  More so, in hindsight, it showed opportunities that we missed in order to have things we should’ve had, or finished things the way it should’ve been.  But all is not lost.  The Manila Bus Hostage incident is nowhere near what happened in the Mumbai shootings.  Both are isolated incidents for each country.  Of course tourism will be affected for the immediate future.  But as with all negative things, we can always find a positive way to rise up from it.  We as a country and as a people can and will recover from this.  This is now an opportunity for the government to save face and do everything it has to do to look into the events objectively and punish those that are needed to be punished.  As for the Miss Universe crown, well, there’s always next year.  But again, we have to start changing the way we compete in events, and more importantly, change the mindset not just of the representatives, but of us as a society.  Otherwise, we’ll be counting missed opportunities left and right and play the blame game again and again.  We have this chance.  Let’s not waste it again.

I guess there’s some truth to the notion that one negative feeling is enough to shoot down all the positive vibes there are… or something like that.  I was supposed to write part two of my Boracay breakaway today, but after what happened waking up today–on a weekend of all days, i felt the need to rant a bit.

I admit, things are not going well for me professionally–not to mention personally, but that’s an entirely different story altogether–over the last two years and some months.  But that doesn’t stop me from treading on and keep on going on the direction I believe would lead me back to the kind of success I’ve had.  I believe that things happen for a reason and what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger.  And that in times of struggles and challenges, you look to your closest ones for support and strength, only to find a hidden frustration and throwing back the blame at you for what has happened.

I was still groggy from waking up when I came down to have a semi-late breakfast at about 8:30 this morning.  I turned on the TV and caught the movie “21” on HBO.  It just started, and wanting to see again how gorgeous Kate Bosworth is in this one, I thought to myself, “what a good way to start the day.”  Then out of nowhere I was bombarded with “get yourself some short-term training courses, maybe you need to change to something different like computer repairs because your managerial skills might not be enough.”  I immediately sensed the very, very, very negative feelings that came with that statement.  Not wanting to get distracted to a good start to the day visually, I continued on with my breakfast while watching the TV.

Then came the sweeping remark:  “if you hadn’t left HSBC, things would’ve been better for you.  If you sacrificed your principles, you could’ve been promoted already like your other colleagues.  You shouldn’t go against your superiors or bosses, even if they’re wrong and/or your principles are right because it’s your job that could be affected.”  That, in it’s blunt and simple form, killed whatever positive vibe I had accumulated in a couple of minutes.  I just kept quiet as memories of events long forgotten and buried deep in my subconsciousness suddenly emerged like mushrooms after a lightning storm.  By this time, I resorted to tweeting what I felt (which I suppose some of you have already read) to relieve my sudden increase in frustrations.

Let me make one thing perfectly clear:  I never or have never regretted any of the decisions I’ve made in my entire professional career, and I’m not about to start now.  I may have made bad career decisions in the past, but that doesn’t mean I cry to the high heavens, dwell on it, and wallow in “oh, woe is me, what will my life be now?”  What I do is I live with it like a man, own up to it, suck it up, take whatever positive things that can be taken from it, and move forward, simple as that.  Yes, things may not be the same as what they were, but I still believe that there will be better things out there if I just be patient.  Think positive, be positive, stay positive.  It’s not that I lack the effort or that I don’t try, believe me, I do.  Those who really know me understand that yes, I may be frustrated with what’s happening in my current situation, but I choose not to show it and instead, focus all my frustrations in trying to make it better.  There’s no point in having self-pity or any kind of pity be thrown your way.  At the end, it’s how you do things that matter.

Now, let me go back a bit on what was mentioned about “principle.”  The problem with most of us–well, Filipinos at least–is that we’re all talk about having the right principle.  Stand up for this, down with that, do the right thing, blah, blah, blah.  But in reality, when it comes down to tight situations, it breaks down.  We give up principle in exchange for something that is sure in nature.  I would’ve wasted 14 years of good quality education–and ironically enough, good parenting–if I would’ve done things in the opposite way with what went down at HSBC.  I admit, I was keen on letting my superior that time get away with what he did me wrong, but I wouldn’t have forgiven myself.  I wouldn’t be even half the shell of the person I am inside if I done it.  That is why I really don’t regret what I’ve done.  I stood up for what I believed was right and true.  And even if it isn’t popular and things may have been different for me ever since career-wise, I would do the exact same thing if I were in the exact same situation.  Bet on it.

There goes my rant for this weekend.  I don’t want to say anything more since I think I’ve said enough… at least about this issue.  I don’t want to blow the issue out of proportion more that it already has.  Moving forward, I’ll just be what I mentioned:

Think positive, be positive, stay positive.

Enjoy the weekend, everyone.