a day and 30 years ago, i came into this world. being the first of three children, i had a lot going for me. i was to be the patriarch of carrying on the family legacy into the 21st century. yet here i am, 30 years and a day since that fateful monday morning, still with an uncertain future, and with a lovelife that echoes like a graveyard on christmas day. i could just imagine fate laughing his socks off as i stumble through life, like a blindfolded dumbass kid trying to pin the freaking tail on the stupid donkey.

strangely though, i still find this kinda amusing. amusing to the point that those low points i have experienced are the ones cheering me up because those were the times i was real. that i was true to myself. those times that i shed tears for someone, that i sacrificed my whole heart and soul for women who i thought were the one; for continuing to hold on despite the clear sign of rejection flashed at my face like headlights speeding through a stunned deer at a highway on midnight; for turning the other cheek, having a deaf ear and a blind eye to times of being taken advantaged of because of my "understanding" and left for nothing like used oil on a garage. yeah, those were the days. yet i'd rather go back to those times than to celebrate something that is or was made something out of the heck of trying to cheer myself up or covering up what i really feel inside. as i always said to myself and to friends who continue to complain about being hurt or things just don't go their way–it's all about acceptance. that and lowered expectations. that's the way life is, and that's the way life will go. you just have to live with it, breathe with it, roll with it, f**k with it, and die with it because all your whining and complaining ain't gonna change anything. life isn't fair, as they say. but whoever said that it is?

i'm 30. i hate to admit it, but i am. i feel lonely. i feel desparate. i feel used. and yet, with the way things are going, everything's just hunky-dory and going the way they're supposed to be.

i'm getting old…

he was sleeping amidst the winds that were blowing outside on a saturday night. although the storm had passed and is headed out of the country, remnants of it were still upon the surrounding area. it was quite a welcome relief as the change in temparature helped him sleep soundly unlike earlier in the summer where the heat was barely tolerable. it was past 11pm when the phone rang. though he usually answers it upon ringing the second time, the comfort zone that he's in made him hesitant to get up and reach for the handset. a few more rings echoed the room. reluctantly, he arose from his sanctuary of slumber and picked up the phone.

him: hello?
woman: hello, it's me.

it was her, surprisingly giving him a call at that late hour. though he didn't recognize her voice at first, he tried to compose himself as he straightened his posture.

him: hey, what's up?
her: can i ask you for a favor?
him: what is it?
her: but first, do you have work today?
him: yeah, in a couple of hours, 'round 2 A.M. what is it?
her: can you pick me up here near my office? i'm not feeling quite well and i didn't go to work. and since it's my rest day tomorrow, i'll be heading straight home and not to the apartment. can you please pick me up here?

he was quite stunned by this request. though he'd normally say yes like he did back in their days of going out almost everyday, the scenario was quite different. first, she was in a place at least an hour's drive south of where he lives. second, he was not familiar with the area and is poor in directions. combine those two, and the fact that she was asking to be brought home near where he lived, plus with the weather conditions outside, he won't make it in time for work and would be at least an hour late. she kept telling him the reason for not going to work and sounded quite disoriented. he was still half asleep and in surprise when he finally answered her.

him: let me think (then looks at the clock)
her: will you make it in time for your shift?
him: (after a couple of seconds) i don't know, i might not. what's wrong?
her: (sounding helpless) i dunno, i'm feeling sick.
him: i don't think i could make it in time for work. i'm sorry.
her: it's ok. i'm sorry if i woke you.
him: no, it's ok.
her: ok, bye.

the conversation ended abruptly as it began. at best, the entire length of the call was a minute and a half, two at the most. he was concerned with the weather outside, the slippery roads and the distance to be traveled back and forth. that made his reason not to pick her up. he then went back to sleep, savoring the precious minutes until it was time to get back up and go to work.

yet as his day began at the office, he cannot help but think of that conversation. this was the first time he had turned down her request. any of requests. yet the more he thought of it, the more he realized that he made probably one of the biggest mistakes he could ever make. so what if she pulled his chain in the past, made a fool out of him while he slowly fell in love with her? so what if she made out with him in the past while she was still with his boyfriend? so what if she left him out in the cold? those were not enough reasons for him to turn a cold shoulder when she needed someone. he was better than that. he always had a soft spot for her because despite everything she has done to him, the hurt, the shortcomings, the letter he made for her which she threw away and never read, he somehow still loved her. he tried to keep himself occupied while at the office and when he finally reached his car at the end of his shift, he broke down, tears free-falling, feeling stupid, sorry and mad at himself for what he has done. he had let her down, the woman he considered his inspiration, his joy, his past and his future. and as he drove home with ballads as the music on his stereo, tears still falling, he cannot help but wonder if this would be the start of another long drought in communication for the both of them. for once, he let his pride prevail, but in the end, emotions brought out the realization that it was the dumbest and the most stupid thing he's ever done.

epilogue: he tried to get in touch with her through text, even if he promised himself not to do so without her texting first. he asked her how she was, and if she's ok. she replied hours later, saying that she has kidney stones. he then asked her how she got home, but she never replied back…

i never imagined that i'd be seeing movies (new releases at that) for two consecutive weeks, let along three. though i said that i most likely wouldn't be watching poseidon, i ended up asking my sister to watch it with me. i guess i decided to do so just to keep my movie watching streak alive. though i was skeptical about the movie itself, i have to admit, i was quite excited to see it when i caught a glimpse of the trailer a few weeks ago. i only realized that the movie could turn up to be a "poor man's 'titanic'" a few days before actually seeing it. and i was right.

the movie started right where the ship is on open waters, streaming thorugh the atlantic, with new yourk being it's destination. it was new year's eve and the celebrations have begun. the captain was giving his speech about spending the new year's with a new beginning, yada, yada, yada. the only indication that something was wrong was when one of the officers felt uneasy about something. then in a span of a few seconds the rogue wave hit, toppling the ship upside down and causing damage, panic and of course, untimely death of hundreds of people. to make the long story short, a few of the survivors, instead of staying on the "safe" area, opted to go "up" to the engine room and to the surface. basic story of survival, guts and love.

yet the movie failed to deliver it's share of drama and suspense. as mentioned on my previous entry, the movie titanic has done it all, so whatever "exciting" spots the movie has, came as mediocre. yet of course, the movie did have some high points, but overall, it was shadowed by the lack of a solid story, a less than stellar cast, and is in my opinion, a downside to wolfgang petersen, the movie's director. this movie doesn't get my vote, yet just to keep my movie streak alive, what the heck, right?

it feels weird going to see a movie one week after doing the same. but hey, having promised myself not to let the big movies slip away this year, the feeling was more obligatory than weird. i was supposed to watch MI:3 with a friend, but she backed out at the last minute. with tickets already reserved the week before, i frantically searched for a replacement. i texted my other friends who i thought were free on that day as well ('twas a thursday evening screening), but came up with nothing. even my sister, who was supposed to be my backup moviedate also backed out. so i had no other choice but to cancel the reservations and made a new one–just for one. anyhow, the move was very, very good, if not better than the second installment of the MI series. it showed a more human side of ethan hunt and how the "mission" is not always the be-all and end-all that runs his life. action scenes were superb and wonderfully shot. and nothing comes close to seeing it on a thx theater with the explosions and sounds of gunfire coming to life. worth waiting for its dvd release like the previous movie i saw, "silent hill."

i'm having second thoughts of going to see "poseidon" next week when it's released here. basic plot: a cruise ship gets in the way of a large tsunami-like phenomenon on it's voyage. well, i have seen "titanic" on numerous occasions, so what's there to topple the most successful ship-tragedy movie ever made? yet the setting of titanic was in the early 1900's and poseidon was set somewhere near present times, and both were true stories–yet again, at least titanic was. could be a no-brainer if you ask me, but then again, pre-release reviews peg it as a good one.

speaking of no-brainers, the movie "da vinci code" is threatened not to be released here. at least that's as far as what i have heard. why? because the self-proclaimed, all-powerful mtrcb says it shows or promotes anti-christ or anti-christian elements, if not changes the traditional, age-old beliefs of christianity. WTF? i mean W-T-F? what's important is what your personal belief. so what if the movie shows that christ did have a child with mary magdalene? does that movie alone have the capacity to convert catholics to non-believers overnight after seeing it? i mean, i have seen the "gospel of judas" on NGC and the channel's successive programs on secret bible week and i found them only interesting at the most. but that didn't change my christian and catholic beliefs. yes, it did cross my mind that "what if that were true?" but yet i didn't come running to my parish church and hold a placard saying "tell us the truth!" i mean, why would i base a life-changing decision of denouncing my beliefs on a program that only shows what is based on fact against how my parents and my school raised me to be? it's a stupid decision for the mtrcb to give that movie an X rating as they are threatening to do. this movie is released for entertainment, pure and simple. let the church decide on its content and moral values, and even if it does denounce the movie, which i think they won't, nothing will stop the public from seeing it anyway. let the theaters reel in big money for this sure-fire hit movie and in the end, everybody's happy. am i right, or am i right?

veering away from the subject, a lot of blog readers have asked me, either through the comments link or in person, about what happened to my brother's introduction of his first girlfriend to the family. honestly, it actually went very well. she is a nice and sweet person, and i'm proud of my brother for choosing such a woman to be his girlfriend. the family had lunch together and we all got to know her better. as far as the extended family goes (my cousins and aunt and uncles), they're now putting the pressure on me and when i'll be introducing someone to the family. all i can say is, been there, done that last year. though things didn't come out as expected. and quite frankly, i don't feel any pressure. and why should i? i have my own plans of adopting by next year should i not get married. which reminds me that i'll be turning the big three-oh in a couple of weeks time. no plans of how to celebrate it yet, but it'll be most likely the same as last year. though the only difference this year is that i'll be going to work on the day itself, unlike the previous years that i didn't even think of working on my birthday. now that's a sign that i'm really gettin' old… *sigh*

all of us wander through a haze or fog in our so-called lives, uncertain where our harnessed knowledge in the years of our educational phase or the bitter experiences in the real world will lead us to the answers we're looking for, or the kind of life we seek. we press on, still searching, eventually discovering and or realizing within ourselves the reason for our endless questioning. this is what i think the movie silent hill is trying to potray. it is set as a horror story as real as the real world can get. yet at times we have difficulty comprehending the real from the fantasy. we get so wrapped up in our dreams of a better life, dreams of a peaceful life, that we tend to shut out reality altogether.

the little girl in the movie represents our endless search for answers; our ever-growing search for sanity and sense in amidst the turmoil of everyday life. it keeps calling us, whether it be as soft as a whisper, or as loud as a deafening scream. yet in as much as we do not understand why it keeps calling us, we somehow acknowledge it and we take the path. this is what the lead character represents–us taking the initiative, heeding the call of our self-unrest, trying to make sense of everything that is going on.

while the lead character is our own personality, the police officer represents the voice of reason; everything that we have taught ourselves, from the feeling of our present lives being secure, to the sense of self-preservation by the simple reasoning that our search for whatever it is we're looking for will end in futility. yet behind that character is also an ally who we could count on to pull us through and face any adversity head on. the husband represents all of our loved ones, who try to help, rescue or bring us back and who also serve as our inspiration in the assurance that whatever we do, we'll have their support.

the town itself represents everything else, thus the sheer chaos and complexity that blinds us or make us swerve from the direction we're headed, slowing down our search. add the fog and the transitional turn to darkness which represent our deepest and darkest fears, together with the townsfolk who stand for our traditions and beliefs our families and civilization has taught us, and it all comes out as one ultimate test of our resolve. whether we come out of it unscathed or scarred for life like the little girl's twin (which by the way represents our unfulfilled desires and frustrations, our need for revenge and our anger unleashed on the nurse, which represents our innocence that has been destroyed for life), we ultimately come out maybe not physically altered, but mentally relieved, satisfied that our search has ended the way we wanted it to end, and not the way we expect it to end.

this is what i think the entire concept of silent hill is all about. it is not just a town, but an entire journey in itself. a journey which will question our beliefs, play with our imagination, challenge our courage, puzzle our knowledge, and test our resolve. as i would like to put it, "silent hill…a place all of us want to go to; where the answers to our most intimidating questions can be found, and yet will turn our deeply rooted beliefs inside out; a place where everything will be realized, where the journey starts and ends at the same time."