over dinner sunday night, my mom and i had a discussion-slash-argument about me going to the US within the year to use my visa before it expires next year.  there was more discussion than argument, with the latter focusing on travel expenses, i.e., plane ticket and pocket money.  while the taking a leave from work part can easily be arranged, monetary usage is a hard bargain.  it's a given that being the eldest in the family, and with my dad almost incommunicado, i shoulder majority of the household expenses.  i hardly have anything left to save for myself, and with the stress i get at work, i'd rather spend whatever remains from my salary on relaxation–movies, a little bit of shopping, going out with friends–rather than saving up and in the end, losing my sanity by staying home every weekend doing nothing.  our discussion ended openly, or should i say it was an open-ended discussion, with the topic still up in the air as to when i would eventually make that trip.  or in my point of view, it's not a matter of when, but how.

 

while i feel compelled to make that trip, i don't see the real reason as to why i should.  the thought of spending–and i emphasize the word spending–a significant amount of money for just a five-day trip (at least, that being the most logical timeframe, with one week at the most) in order to use the visa before it expires seems, i don't know, irrelevant.  for one thing, it doesn't guarantee–well, correct me if i'm wrong–that if the visa was used at least once before it expires, it's automatic approval upon renewal.  and with the US all riled up on homeland security, i'm not at all surprised if they take a much closer look on visa renewals, especially those who make fewer trips inland.

 

but one more thing that bothers me i guess the most is, that although i also feel lucky to have been granted a US visa, i don't understand why most of my family–and filipinos in general–consider that as the be-all and end-all of their lives.  my mom has been persuading me to go to the US ever since i was in college, saying that i have a better future there.  we have had countless debates and arguments about this that ended up with my sudden trip back in the summer of 1997.  i was really caught by surprise back then because i was working part time at mcdonald's and had planned on spending summer just working and not worry about school.  eventually, i did make that trip, stayed there for around two months with my dad until school obligations forced me to come back home.  my mom was forcing me to stay and look for a job, but i would never sacrifice a diploma for a chance of making more money overseas.

 

but again, it goes back to the question as to why do most of us hinge our hopes–our very lives–of getting a US or even a UK visa and making it outside of our shores rather than working here?  are we really that despondent about our country's future?  my mom reminded me more than once that other people try their whole lives getting a visa and still get denied, and that i should be thankful that i was able to get one without much problems.  am i that thankful?  maybe, but i guess i feel more sorry for those other people.  not because they were denied on their visa applications, but more on their attitudes towards themselves and how they see that getting out of the country is the only option.  i don't consider myself lucky to be in the position i have right now.  where i am today is product of hard work, patience, persistence and the belief that i can make it here.  yet there was a time where i almost gave up.  and even if i had the option (and luxury) of just packing my bags and migrating, i placed that at the tail end of my options, tagged that as the last resort, and hung on.  and i'm proud to say that career-wise, i made the best decision of staying here.  i just wish that others would see things how i see it.  and that is to always have hope for ourselves, and for our country.

 

maybe i'll take that trip, maybe i won't.  if i do, then it would be either company-sponsored, or a windfall of cash came my way.  if i don't, then it's no big deal.  but one thing is for sure:  i won't be pressured as much to take it.  if my visa expires, so what?  it doesn't change things for me.  life goes on.  both for me, and even for people whose visa applications get denied.  it is up to themselves how it goes on.  they have to find within themselves the strength and will to be successful as they want to be, even without setting foot on foreign soil.  i did.  and look where it got me.  and i can dare say that if i had the chance to go through everything again, i'd still make the decisions i've made and wouldn't change anything.  there's still hope for others who still have delusions in getting out of the country.  as they say, the next best opportunity is now.

starting today, things at the office will be a lot tougher.  no, not performance wise, but security wise.  just this past friday, a memo was sent out saying that effective monday, the upper management will be implementing a much more strict–if not already stringent–security measures regarding, well, how we work.  the memo dictates that there will only be a list–a short one at that–of what should be on our workstations.  and that list covers us on the middle management.  of course, as managers, we have lots of stuff on our workstations.  all of them work-related.  to name a few, they are small drawers for our supplies, forms and other documents; in-out trays for document transmittals; monthly performance ranges of our associates for easy reference; and managers' calendar for our schedules and appointments to be easily seen and reminded of without going through our own computers using outlook or lotus notes (which was asked by our bosses to be posted on our workstations as well).  and of course, some personal stuff like pictures of me with my colleagues at our last christmas party.  all of them had to go, according to the memo.  so i spent half the day last friday clearing out my desk.  my colleagues and i arrived at a consensus to return the drawers and trays because, well, they'll be obsolete to say the least.  i went through some old documents and made frequent trips to the shredding machine to get rid of papers no longer of use.  when i announced this to my team, not surprisingly, all of them reacted negatively to it.  bottomline is, they (and i mean upper or senior management) want to streamline what can be brought to the operations floor, what can be seen on all the workstations, and implementing (or at least trying to) a paper-less environment.

 

how did i react to it?  to put it in simpler terms, it's plain overkill.  i mean, the company has always been strict with data protection and everything and we have been doing our share to prevent fraudulent activity in our immediate area, but to restrict what can be seen on our workstations?  most of my associates have their achievement certificates displayed there, not to mention medals, recognition buttons, and other work-related reference materials.  all of which are not on the list.  i just shook my head in agreement as one of my associates told me, "then we should just stop having our monthly department-wide gathering because it's nonsense awarding the top performers for the month if the proof of recognition cannot be even displayed as inspiration, not just to me, but to my fellow associates as well.  what will we do with them, bring them home?  this is not school where awards are to be brought home and showed to our parents.  we earned what we were awarded and it's just proper that we display them on our stations."  i couldn't agree more.  we filipinos by nature treat our work as personal as can be.  the office is like a second home, so we want to make it as homey as we can.  i mean can you imagine coming to work everyday to an empty, bare, lifeless station with nothing to look at when stress sets in or when there's nothing to smile about because, simply, there's nothing displayed.

 

but here's where it gets more interesting.  now, i understand the need for mobile phones to be left on the associates' lockers.  but their wallets too?  what the hell?!  and, not do they only must leave their wallets on their lockers, upon leaving the office, the security personnel will do almost a strip search on you, even your wallets.  imagine one whole department ending their shift at a particular time and then have to queue in line up at the exits to at least half an hour just to get out?  how pissed would the employees be?  plus, there has been reported incidents on theft at the associates' lockers (this with masterlock safe locks provided to the associates by the company free of charge) that are still unsolved so leaving personal stuff there like mobile phones and wallets aren't 100 percent safe.  some of my team members actually leave those stuff with me on my personal file drawer before their shift starts and get them upon leaving.  i don't mind that the least, but for upper management  to disallow their most valuable and important personal possesion to be brought with them always is just plain stupid.

 

i understand the dire need for data protection and security.  after all, we are indeed a global company and we deal with very sensitive information on a daily basis.  i supported the move made by upper management late last year on an intensified background check of current and future employees where we had to submit tons of documents ranging from our parents' birth certificates, to utility bills to prove we live where we say we live, and sign waivers allowing the company to interview or call up our schools and requesting for data about ourselves.  that in itself was really difficult, but i had no problem with it.  but for this new security measure, i give it a two thumbs down.  it is like upper management doesn't trust their employees anymore even after going through that very thorough and threading a needle-like background check for us to gain employment.  this is more like paranoia to me rather than security.  i mean if there would be individuals who would defraud the company, they would have either:  left the company, stopped what their doing, or have done so already.  but for everyone to go through the hassle of being suspected of doing something illegal, that's just too much.  i could just imagine the applicants at the main lobby witnessing how all of this is happening.  man, that would translate to the applicant saying, "what is this, a prison facility?"  or, "what a horrible place to work," or worse, "i'll just apply somewhere else where they treat employees with respect and tell all my friends about the horrifying procedures of this place."

 

there's such a thing as respect and trust.  if the company or management have little or none of both to their employees, even if the name of the company itself is prestigious in nature, i don't see current employees staying long, and employee satisfaction together with the number of applicants would diminish.  not that i'm planning to leave or anything, i'm just seeing this as one of their bad, if not overly stinking decisions made due to security gone paranoid.

"do you have work tonight, or are you at home?"  read the message that came through his mobile phone.  it was an hour past midnight of saturday and he indeed was home, trying to get some sleep.  "yup, i'm at home," came his reply back to her.  it was one of her off-and-on attempts of communicating with him, as if nothing had happened.  and for some reason, it was as if fate made him quite sleepless on that night.

 

"wanna grab a cup of coffee or somethin'?  i'm still kinda sleepy and my shift starts at 2:30am,"  she replied back.  it was the first time she had asked him out, or at least attempted to, since around two years ago.  he was quite surprised at her message, and took some time to think before replying back.  suddenly, his mobile phone rang with her on the other end of the line.  "hey, so, how about that coffee?"  she quickly said after he answered the phone.  "starbucks is gonna be full of people being a saturday night, and even after we meet up, you won't be having enough time to order and drive to work.  heck, we won't be even having a decent conversation during that time," he said back, to which he added, "by the way, where are you? aren't you supposed to be at your dorm near the office?"  knowing that she usually stays there whenever she has work.  "i just left home.  we don't even have to go to starbucks, silly.  we can just hang out at a nearby gas station.  even just a 3-in-1 coffee sachet would do.  i just need a wake-up drink 'cause i couldn't sleep earlier."  she said.  she sounded her usual, normal self, yet there was a sign of sleepiness.  "even though," he started to reply.  "by the time we would meet up, you'll be having at least 30 minutes left before your shift starts.  why don't you just drop by my place and i'll make you a cup of coffee?"  he asked.  he felt slightly surprised by what he said.  yet he thought for sure she wouldn't take him up on it.  "nah, i don't even remember how to get to your place," she said.

 

"well, it's up to you," he replied back, waiting for her to end the conversation.  "so how are you?  you still there at that place?"  she asked, referring to his place of work.  "yeah, i'm still there.  wait, didn't you say that you just left home?  i thought you were staying at the dorm near the office?"  he asked.  "i moved out a couple of months ago," she answered.  "i started driving to work from home and back since then.  wait, didn't i tell you that before?"

 

"no, you didn't.  we hardly talk, remember?  well, i mean, you hardly ever get in touch with me," he said, trying to make her feel the slightest bit of guilt for their incommunicado status.  "well, stars like me don't have the time to stop and talk, you know, with schedules and everything," she said in her usual, charming, joking self.  "right," he snapped back.  "you don't have time for me.  you only have time for your 'other' friends, but not me," he added.  "no, honestly, i hardly even go out anymore, much less spend time talking to my friends.  work is just pinning me to the ground, not to mention the travel time to and from work,"  came the swift reply.  he would've wanted to believe her, but knowing her, he just pretended she didn't said that.  "anyways, i think i'll just go to the office and get some sleep before my shift starts," she then said.  "are you sure you can even drive in your condition?"  he asked.  "yes, i'll be fine.  talk to you later, ok?"

 

"ok, drive safely," he responded.  at that, their short conversation ended.  he again heard her famous last words, talk to you later.  he just smirked at the thought, and as he went back to bed, his thoughts were empty.  just like her famous last words.

i was driving to work when this classic tune from the barenaked ladies came on.  i haven't listened to alternative tunes for quite some time now since i bought the tribute album to the apo hiking society, bossa nova princess sitti, and got my fix of trance and house tunes, so i decided to randomly pick an alternative cd from my collection and popped it into the car stereo.  i have to admit, it was quite a welcome relief to hear past but great songs from matchbox twenty, hoobastank, goo goo dolls, and dave matthews just to name a few.  but when this song came on, i just felt… i dunno… sentimental, i guess.  not that the song touched a chord inside me, but rather how the mood of the song was.  how he'll always be there for her, yet he ends up being used, abused and left hanging by her.  story of my life?  maybe.  just thought i'd share the lyrics of a song that ended up playing in my head the rest of the day at work.

 

call and answer

barenaked ladies

 

I.

i think it's getting to the point

where i can be myself again

i think it's getting to the point

where we have almost made amends

i think it's getting to the point

that is the hardest part

 

Chorus:

and if you call, i will answer

and if you fall, i'll pick you up

and if you court this disaster

i'll point you home

 

II.

you think i only think about you

when we're both in the same room

you think i'm only here to witness

the remains of love exhumed

you think we're here to play

a game of who loves more than whom

 

repeat chorus

 

III.

you think it's only fair to do what's best for

you and you alone

you think it's only fair to do the same to me

when you're not home

i think it's time to make this something that is

more than only fair

 

repeat chorus

 

bridge

but i'm warning you, don't ever do

those crazy, messed up things that you do

if you ever do, i promise you

i'll be the first to crucify you

now it's time to prove that you've come back

here to rebuild… rebuild… rebuild… rebuild… rebuild…

 

summer is here.  well, sort of.  early dawn and mid-afternoon temperatures are still kinda cool, not to mention the sudden downpour that happened over the weekend.  yet undoubtedly, it is the start of the summer season.  and this has got my mind thinking of only one thing:  hitting the beach.  putting what happened over the botched plan i had last year in the rear-view mirror, i started to look around for potential getaways and found two–with at least one solid plan.  in other words, i'm finally going to the beach this year!!  finally!!  i can't say that enough with much emphasis and excitement.  damn it, i so much want to get out of city life for a change for maybe two nights at the most and enjoy the sand, stare and drool at the eye candy babes, and breathe the sea air.  if this still doesn't happen, i honestly don't know what's wrong with me.  but, as they say, "think positive," so here are my (crossed-fingered) plans:

 

getaway plan number one:  puerto galera

when:  late april 2007

this is the more solid of the two plans i have.  some batchmates at work and i thought of spending a post-holy week vacation and what better place to be at than, well, the beach.  i, of course was the most animated one in the discussion since i haven't been to puerto galera since, well, ever.  it's a given that it's going to be on a weekend, when most of the group are off work and only the remaining few can file for a vacation leave (me included, that is, if schedules for the second quarter of the year stays as it is).  the only challenge i have is the time i have in saving money for this trip.  the most i can do is try to pay off my credit card balance as much as i can to free up the limit.  then, it's swipe, swipe, swipe!  god, if my old self can hear me now about credit cards.  he would have a field day running me down.  but hey, the beach is calling so what the hell, right?  🙂

 

getaway plan number two:  boracay

when:  june 2007

this is my backup plan in case number one goes kaput.  wait, this is my backup plan?  what the hell am i thinking making this my "backup" plan?  i must be going beach crazy.  well, thanks to cebu pacific's ongoing promo, fares to boracay have been reduced.  i just don't know if the reduction amount is that significant–taking into consideration that i haven't planned a trip to boracay before–but i pretty much think that it's a good deal.  i tried to see how much a two-way ticket to and from kalibo on their website costs and it came up to PHP3,484.32.  hmmm, not bad.  but that's just the airfare.  from what i heard–and you can correct me on this–accomodations range from four to six grand, depending on how long the stay is.  so for me, that's roughly around 10 grand.  and that's for a two-night, three-day deal.  and i still don't have pocket money for that.  so throw in an additional two grand (at least) and that would bring the total expenses to around 14 grand at the most.  uhm…. am i losing my mind?  well, the only positive thing here is that i have more than enough time to save up.  but the downside is that i have to book and pay the flight online–and i don't even like making online purchases–between now and march 8th in order to avail of the discounted rates.  and it's non-refundable.  now that will put my credit card in a bind.  *sigh*  seriously, it's something worth saving up for (after paying the airfare now) and enjoying it later.  but again, as i've mentioned, the first one is the more solid than this, and if that pushes through, i will more likely put this one off.  unless i can get free boracay accomodations for my birthday then that would be a different story.  but airfares will be back to their normal rates by then, so go figure.

 

just mentioning those two plans make me want to leave the office, go home, pack some stuff and go to whatever beach on my own, right now.  must be the coffee talking.  plus the fact that i'll be having a six-day work week this week.  well, at least i already have beach plans.  and that's just half of it.  getting there is the other half.  and i hope i don't end up just taking the first half.  that would be a major nut-numbing experience.  like i know how it feels to have my nuts go numb.  😛