i won't beat around the bush.  for the past two days, for some reason, i feel down… sad, perhaps.  sad that my life's not going how i wanted it to be, nor what i wanted never gets given to me, that life has shortchanged me or hasn't given me too many breaks.  if there's a word graver than unfair, that would best describe how i think i'm being treated.  that all the positives i get are for short-term purposes only.

short of kicking everything i see on my workstation or shout at the top of my lungs out of sheer frustration, both won't make me feel any better.

yes, i'm ranting.  only it's a notch higher.  to be blunt, i'm sad and frustrated.  at life.  i wish someone–whoever it may be–would just shut up, listen and not give any positive scripting of how it's going to be ok, or make me look at other people's situations, yada, yada, yada, or to count my blessings.  believe me, i have counted and re-counted and re-counted, and don't get me wrong, i appreciate what i have.  and don't even talk to me about patience.  i have a shitload of that everywhere that it doesn't even make sense anymore.  i just also wish that someone, anyone would just freakin' give me what i want.  now.  shit, even that's impossible.

during one of our monday morning learning sessions (a weekly management development program my colleagues and i undergo at work) last monday, my boss–who acted as the facilitator for the session–asked the group this question:  "what motivates you to get up every morning (night) and come to work?"  during that time, my mind was still in vacation mode as i just came from my 10-day sojourn and did not pay close attention to the question.  he added that we didn't have to answer that right away, and that we'll be discussing the answers we have on the next session.  again, during that time, like clockwork, my obvious answer would've been, "well, i won't get paid if i don't go to work now, would i?"  modesty aside, i haven't been absent or late for work since i started with my current company, which was a year and 8 months ago.  one look at that streak and anyone would say that i'm enjoying my job right now.  to be honest, i'm neither enjoying nor hating (for lack of an opposite word) what i'm doing right now.  so the question still remains.  what does motivate me to get up everyday and go to work?

for some reason, that question became a serious one as i was lying in bed last night.  call it post-vacation syndrome or whatever the hell you want to call it, i started looking back at my entire professional career; as far back as when i first got a job.  from mcdonald's back in college, to a defunct foreign exchange trading company, to innodata, then peoplesupport, teletech, and my present company.  reflecting on each stint i had with those companies, i would say that so far, my time with peoplesupport was the most fun i had, and with teletech being the opposite (hell would be the best word to describe my experience there).  looking more closely, i reflected on what made me stay with each company for that period of time.  first, ranking them from longest to shortest stay, peoplesupport would be number one (two years and 10 months), mcdonald's would be number two (two years and six months), teletech would be third (one year and six months), innodata would be fourth (10 months), and that defunct foreign exchange trading company would be last (two months).  i didn't include my current job since the rest were all in the past, but if i did, this will fall under number three (one year and 8 months).  looking at it as a whole, i guess i was lucky enough to have a lengthy stints, with majority having more than a year before i leave the company.

again, looking deeper, i reflected my time in each of the jobs i held.  i could say that the main reason i enjoyed my stint with peoplesupport is because of my teammates when i was assigned to do back-office work (fax support).  i started out as a technical support representative and i initially enjoyed it, but got tired of the routine of talking to people on a daily basis, which made my performance suffer and led to my vacation leave credits and sick leave credits being all used up even before the second half of the year starts.  luckily, i was transferred to the fax team, and that's where things started to look up.  our team really bonded and each day, we look forward to seeing each other rather than thinking of the daily fax documents we had to work on.  the atmosphere was really, really fun.  yet even if we would always crack jokes, share stories, and make fun of each other, our work was never compromised.  but as the saying goes, good things never last.  two of us then applied for higher positions and eventually got promoted and transferred to a different client and some of the others left the company as well for other reasons, thus breaking up the team.  i tried to compare that with my current job and i don't see any similarities.  obviously, the job then and now was different, yet i was looking for that camaraderie that existed between me and my teammates.  yes, at times, there were, but not like what my former team had.

with my ungraceful and reluctant exit at peoplesupport (that's another long story), teletech then came in.  in some fairness to the company, they made me open my eyes to more serious matters and in some sense, helped me be more mature in the position i was in.  unfortunately, i had to undergo a hellish treatment/environment in return.  yet despite that, i was only absent from work for a total of five days.  why?  because my team is composed of 20 associates and for me not to be there causes grave implications.  imagine handling 20 different egos on a daily basis, plus the barrage of supervisor calls (a technical client corresponds to one in five calls being a supervisor call), and the daily administrative work compiled with projects and daily deliverables, and what do you have?  hell.  good thing i was able to endure a year and a half of that before i trasferred to where i am now.  i guess it's good karma that's paying off.  going back to my roots, the reason i stayed long with mcdonald's is because i love the company itself, no commercial pun intended.  ever since i was little, i have always wondered how it was to work behind the counter everytime my parents would take me to mcdonald's to have lunch or dinner.  it was my first dream job.  i also loved the atmosphere there and it was the first time i'm earning on my own and not asking from my parents.  i learned to be independent and self-sufficient.

with all this in mind, i asked myself again, what does motivate me to come to work on a daily basis?  yes, it's a reputable, in-house financial outsourcer, that's a given.  salary is also good, and could only get better with opportunities within the company that may come around.  the department i'm in is by far the best in the company, and the people i work with are fairly good, if not better than any i could ever imagine.  then, i realized that it's not any of those.  i guess the main reason can be summed up in one word:  responsibility.  first and foremost to my family, being the eldest of three siblings.  i carried almost half of their school finances with the jobs i've had and thank god that they have all finished well and have jobs of their own.  even with that behind me, we still have our current family situation which makes me shoulder most of the family's expenses.  that is why for me, work is personal.  secondly, to my team.  as i have mentioned i have learned to be more mature in the position i'm in.  it's my responsibilty to look after their performances and develop them into the best at they can be, or in positions higher than where they're currently in.  third, to my superiors.  i have made a commitment to them from the start to deliver what is expected of me, and as much as i can, i'll try to be consistent in that regard.

there's an old saying that you have to love your job in order to be successful.  me, i don't love my job.  i'm also sure that i'm not totally happy, yet also not totally hating my current job.  yet i treat it as if it's my life on the line.  because in some ways, it is.  responsibility is something i have learned throughout my career.  i may not have realized it before, but with this recent reflection episode, it's crystal clear.  i may not enjoy waking up everyday at 1:00AM to go to work, but i need to.  i may not enjoy my rest days, but it's part of the job.  i may sometimes not enjoy the kind of work that i have, but whatever pays the bills and expenses, so be it.  and if the "enjoyment" part of the job is getting to hav
e a 10-day vacation from work once a year, it's better than having none at all.  some people may say that i have a successful and happy professional life.  actually, maybe i do, and i'm quite thankful for it.  i wish the same holds true with my personal life, but that's another story.  responsibility is my motivation.  it's not the best of reasons, and i may not be happy with it, but it's what i have.  and i guess that's enough for me.

my return to work this past week was filled with three comments, most of which were mentioned when my colleagues and co-workers saw me for the first time in 10 days:

"you've lost some weight!  what did you do?"

"you look better now!"

"there's something different about you…"

i never imagined that a 10-day vacation would give rise to such comments.  i mean, i never felt any different during those 10 days.  well, except for my voice slowly returning to normal, but for me to actually look like i lost weight still puzzles me.  i even stopped going to the gym the whole time i was on hiatus.  so, is bumming around the house considered a weight loss plan as well?  still, i'm not convinced.  the most i did to myself was get a haircut.  and i do that on a regular basis, which is every month, with six weeks at the most.  i guess not thinking of work–and all the attachments that come with it–did help in some way with my physical appearance.  i mean, i do believe that stress of any kind affects the body, so in some point, how i look today is the result of a stress-free environment.  even for at least 10 days.  heck, i even seldomly reply to text messages from the office!  during that time, i didn't care about work, how my team was doing, what's been going on at the office, absolutely nothing.  i wish it was that way always, but that ain't possible now, would it?  at least, not while you're getting paid.  in any case, i take the compliments in stride and just say "thank you."  it's nice to hear good things once in a while.

on another note, i saw ocean's thirteen this past thursday with my sister.  i'd have to say that the third installment is the best.  no julia roberts though, but story-wise, it's good.  though you really have to sit and pay attention to the babble because if you don't, you'll get lost.  this week, it's f4:  rise of the silver surfer.  only this time, i'll be watching it alone since the screening time is a couple of hours after my shift, so there's no one to ask to tag along.  friday is still empty on my social calendar, so i guess it's another stint at home for me this weekend.  and to think it's payday weekend!

my 10-day vacation ended last night, so tonight, it's back to work for me.  ugh, i could just imagine the tons of emails waiting for me at my inbox in the office!  it'll take me the whole shift tonight just to read them!  plus updating my team's month-end stats for the previous month!  i haven't set foot in the office yet, but i'm already beginning to feel the stress coming right back at me!  hehehehehehe!!  i actually planned to go to the office during the middle of my vacation just to read the emails so as not to get swamped when i report back.  but i was enjoying too much of doing nothing that i put that off until when i return, so i guess that's that.  although i did go there last friday morning because i had to submit my team's attendance tracker for the second half of the month for payroll purposes, which is very, very important.  but i didn't dare open my inbox and see all those unread emails.  i was there for just about 15-20 minutes.  i greeted some colleagues, submitted what needed to be submitted, and i was outta there.

i really needed that vacation.  a week before the start of my 10-day hiatus, i had a bad case of cough and colds which affected my throat, thus causing me voice problems.  the cough and colds went away, but my voice remained the same–hoarse.  so also last friday, after dropping by the office, i went to see an ENT doctor at healthway in festival mall to have my throat checked.  it was covered by our HMO provider so i didn't pay anything.  good service, too.  i only waited around 10 minutes after getting all my information when the doctor called me in.  i briefed her on the history, and at that time, i was already feeling fine.  no more coughs–at least it was down to around two percent from when i was coughing a lot two weeks ago–and everything was normal, except for my voice.  she did take a look at my throat and told me that the whole throat portion was so red and had like some, well, not really lesions, but things around it.  she performed three procedures on my throat, all involving placing and spraying some medication which almost prompted me to throw up, but i was able to control it.  my throat went numb after a couple of seconds which i felt like something was coming out of it through my mouth and the doctor just advised me to keep swallowing during that sensation.  she then prescribed me to take three types of medicines, one antibiotic to be taken twice a day for seven days, one normal medicine also twice a day for five days, and one steroid also twice a day for five days.  i was quite taken aback when she mentioned the steroid, but she quickly added that that won't make me fat or high, or something like that.  it's for the insides of the throat to stop swelling.  she also listed some of the things i cannot take and drink:  fruit juices of any kind, menthol candies and or lozenges, chocolates and peanuts.  i was ok with the latter part, but the juices were a downer.  of course, alcohol was also a given since i'll be on medication but i drink fruit juices on a daily basis.  even at work.  so it's mostly water for me.  she didn't mention softdrinks on the forbidden list, but i took it upon myself to not take softdrinks–at least not always.  no ice as well on anything.  cool, refrigerated water is fine, but absolutely no ice.  and her final recommendation is to rest my voice as much as possible.  no whispering, but i can talk as normal as i can, but not too much.  only what i can manage.  good thing is not total voice rest or my boss will kill me, even if i don't take regular calls.  at least i still won't be taking any supervisory calls.  hehehehehe!!!

to sum up my vacation, as i have said, it was something i badly needed.  the cough and colds were already an indicator that i really had to take one.  though i wasn't able to go back to puerto galera as i had originally planned, the rest and actually doing nothing helped me recuperate and recharge for the next couple of months of the daily grind at work.  my next long vacation will be during the christmas and new year's celebration, so that's still far off.  i spent my birthday quietly two saturdays ago with my family, aunts, uncles and cousins so i guess that's the only highlight of my vacation.  i actually regained some of my voice that night after a few shots of alcohol but went back to hoarse the next day.  in any case, today is day two of my medication and water-only treatment.  five and seven days isn't that long, so i won't have to anguish in not drinking any orange or pineapple juices (my favorites) for so long.

it's back to reality.  it's just as fitting like ending summer vacation and starting school.  but i won't be totally ending the fun, for i have already reserved tickets for ocean's thirteen this thursday and fantastic four:  rise of the silver surfer next thursday.  two good movies to be seen in two weeks.  not at all bad.  plus, i'm starting to get the transformers fever!!  one month to go, and i can't hardly wait for it's screening!  hmmm… where's that dvd of the animated movie?  might worth watching it again…  hope you enjoy the rest of the weekend and have a good week ahead!  😀

today marks the final entry of my 31-on-31 series for this month, celebrating 31 years of my presence here on this world.  i admit, it was hard coming up with entries on a daily basis and most likely, this will be the first and last that i'll be posting one entry per day for a month.  to everyone who passed by and read my daily entries, whether you have left comments or not, thank you for your continued visits.

the month of june starts tomorrow, and i'll also be ending my 10-day vacation when i go back to work on the night of june 3rd.  i still have a couple of days left to savor my vacation, then it's back to reality.  i do hope you have enjoyed reading my entries for this month as much as i enjoyed posting them.  some have been asking me about a layout change, well, maybe there'll be one soon.  i.ph has some new and cool templates, so if i have the time to check each and every one out, a version 2.2 of my blog may be launched not too far off.

my voice is at 80% at best, and hopefully will be back in full swing as i go back to work.  thank you for your well-wishes and again, for the birthday greetings–even those belated ones.  this has been the 31-on-31 series, signing off.  have a good one!  🙂