ending the week–and the month at that–at the way things happened last week was definitely not what i had in mind.  instead of properly savoring the two-day weekend by not thinking about work related stuff, what occupied half of my mind was how i was a victim of a double-cross of some sort.  i was about to write what went down upon arriving home last thursday, but a combination of being at a loss for words, sheer frustration, and a scheduled dinner with a friend that night forced me to save my rantings for another day.

at the start of the year, i always thought that what happened to me the previous year won't happen again, and i tried to make sure of it.  specifically, what i'm referring to was the brouhaha over my holiday vacation leaves.  yet, it seems that lightning does strike twice on the same place.  here's how it all went down:

back as far as early september, i had already calculated my remaining leave credits for the year and submitted/plotted all of them to my superior for approval, including my trip to the US and the week of december 25th to the 31st.  with the sudden announcement of my US trip, i was still reeling from the fact that i won't be able to have a three-day weekend for at least a month and a half.  my superior approved all of them except the christmas week, saying that it's still up in the air, whatever that means.  i didn't worry about it, since i was confident enough that collectively, my superiors would be coming up with something to address the holiday vacation leaves.  so, work went on.

early october, during a team meeting with my teammates, our superior suggested for us to come up with a proposal for the holiday vacation leaves.  initially, i thought that our superiors were asking for more participation from us regarding planning of this sort.  coincidentally, i already had a working plan in mind which combines personal attendance of each of us and tenure/length of service to determine who can plot for the holidays, but i didn't put it on paper yet.

two weeks ago, before my scheduled one-on-one with my superior, i emailed my proposal to all of my superiors for them to talk and discuss about it.  and during my previous one-on-one session, i followed it up and got an answer saying that they haven't discussed it yet.  and during that particular session, we went over the dates i'm requesting.  so i showed the calendar of when i'm requesting to go on holiday break.  my superior plotted them on the tracker and added the comment, "pending" to clarify to the others who will be viewing the file that it was not yet approved outright and is still subject for discussion.  i was fine with it, until last thursday.

after taking my lunch break, my superior called me into his workstation to discuss about my plotted leaves.  i thought that there was some sort of clarification with what i had plotted, or it was about my proposal.  to my surprise, they (my superiors) have reached a decision for all of us to not be allowed to plot our VLs from december 20 to 31, with the reason explained to me that some of my colleagues who have viewed the file "complained" that i have already the dates i wanted reserved and others want in too.  so now, my superior wants me to cancel the dates that i have plotted for and for me to review the email about to be sent to everyone so as not to elicit some negative reactions.  i asked about the propsal i sent and i was told that it was good for implementation next year, and i was asked to come up with another one.

the minutes following that revalation was nothing but silence from me.  silence at the sheer frustration that some of my colleagues would be responsible for causing the decision that was made, and at the disappointment at my superior for utterly disregarding–for weeks now–the proposal i had sent which will benefit everyone at our level.  yet i remained as professional as possible in front of my superior, not questioning my unknown colleagues and why was my proposal pushed to next year.  yet if i could only see myself at that time, my face says it all.  and there was one bitter truth:  i had to take one for the team…. again.  i left my superior's workstation like the most unappreciated person in the world.  work-wise, i have never complained or sought attention but this is plain ridiculous.  i mean, after working hard for a second straight perfect attendance for the entire year, this is the recognition and respect that i get?!  after conserving my vacation leaves instead of uselessly plotting them, this is what i get?!  was it my fault that my colleagues don't have any vacation leaves left?!  i have held up my end of the workload and covered for teams whose leaders were out.  all i can say is that this is pure and sheer crab mentality.  yet it's nice to know that a few others were supportive of what i felt.  they even said that they can cover for my team during the days that i'll be out, but i just told them that if they really are sincere, then they should tell that to their superiors themselves, otherwise, if it came from me, it'll look like that i forced them to.  one colleague even posted the question, "why are our associates being encouraged to consume their vacation leaves regardless of when, but when it comes to us leaders, we can't?  how are we being treated?"

i haven't said much to my superior during that meeting.  but now that i have thought about it more thoroughly, a conversation will be forthcoming.  to my colleagues who complained or whined about my plotting of vacation leaves, all i can say is, just stop the jealousy.  and can't you read?  it said "pending" on it.  now i don't know if you understand plain english, but that in no way means "approved."  i'm sorry about your loss, but just work hard and conserve your leave credits for next year, ok?

this changes nothing.  i'll continue to go to work, be professional, wear a mask of a smiling face at the office, be a team player, deliver performance and all that stuff.  but until what happened last year threatens to resurface, then consider me a pissed and demotivated red car.

it all started with a text message i received as i was on my way home this past thursday afternoon. i was looking forward to an unexpected three-day weekend due to one of our systems being shut down for maintenance and we were forced to take saturday night off. the message came from a person i didn't know, but apparently knows me and what i've been through with someone. i wasn't able to save the messages that were sent to me (i don't usually do that if it's from someone i don't know) because initially, i thought that it was a prank being played to me by someone i know. to the best of my recollection, the exchange of messages went this way (some parts were in filipino, so i translated it here, of course):

texter:  hi, is this mark?

me (surprised at the message):  yup, who is this please?

texter (took a good five or so minutes to reply back):  it's not important who i am. what is, is that you need to know about what happened to someone you deeply care about.

me (even more surprised, but still doubtful):  who are you talking about? who is this?

texter:  you know who she is. i'm sorry if i had to be the bearer of bad news, but it seems that you didn't know what happened to her a couple of weeks ago.

me (was getting quite impatient at the "charades"):  look, i don't have time for this. it'll save us both a lot of time if you could just tell me who it is and what happened.

texter:  it would be best to find out on your own. check her friendster profile and you will see what i'm talking about. i know how you feel about her and i believe that it was a shame on what she did to you the last time. i was hoping that she would come to her senses and decide to be with you, but for some reason i can't figure out, she didn't. it's just sad that something special between two people failed to even start. this would be the last message i'll send. i'm not her masquerading as someone else, if that's what you're thinking. we already met when she introduced you to me. i thought she would at least tell you out of respect and your history together, but i'm not sure what's on her mind during those last couple of weeks. anyway, it's good to have met you. you're one of the rare good persons i know and i hope all goes well for you.

me (dumbfounded):  can you at least tell me who you are?

the person didn't reply anymore. though i was somewhat intrigued by the messages, i still did not take it seriously until the next day, friday. i was checking my yahoo email when i remembered the exchange of messages. i logged on to friendster and looked for her profile. what i saw gave me one of the most surprising moments i could recall. she got married sometime in september. messages of well-wishes and congratulations from friends filled her testimonials section and pictures of her and her husband together with captions were on her gallery, although from what i remember, there were no wedding pictures of them posted. it took a while for the feeling to sink in and to realize that everything between us is over–most likely including the friendship we have…  or had.  i was already logged out of friendster when i decided to log back in and send her a message.  it read:

guess what i heard is true.  congratulations and i hope you have found the happiness you're looking for and deserve.  take care always.

so there goes another chapter in the encounters i have had in my life.  one that has no real closure because we haven't had the talk, and it ended with questions rather than answers.  yet somehow it did not feel as bad as i thought it would be.  probably because i have gone through the same thing before.  though not exactly, but the scenario is almost identical.  so much for lightning not striking twice on the same location.

so here's my own… let's say, version of farewell to donna, who at one time, meant everything to me.  whether you may read this or not, it doesn't matter.  despite the empty promises you made, misunderstandings and arguments, i would rather remember and think of you as the person i spent almost half a day with during that easter sunday back in 2005.  though there may be things i want to know and questions i'm seeking answers to, it's not up to me anymore.  maybe we'll cross paths again, maybe not.  but i really and honestly hope and wish you all the happiness that you seek and long for.  and i thank you for the things both big and small that you did for me.  do take care always.

  – me and donna during "happier" times

i was going down memory lane and reading through some past entries when i came across this one from march of last year.  the very significant and unforgettable thing about this entry is that i got a lot of calls a couple of hours to several days after posting it from friends and former colleagues who have read it asking if there is something wrong with me or if i'm physically and medically ok.  i actually didn't expect those gestures and was surprised at the effect that entry had on them since the entry never mentioned me specifically.  i sounded like a broken record to everyone who called, saying that "i'm really ok and don't worry, there's nothing wrong with me.  really."  but i was and still am thankful for the kind words about the effect i had on their lives and how significant my friendship is with them.  so, for the new and old readers alike who don't have the time to backread, i'm re-posting that particular entry, which i could say, is one of the most personal entries on my blog that best shows how imaginative a person such as me can be.  hope you enjoy it.

it was a bright and sunny thursday afternoon when he stepped out of the building, wondering what to do next.  his meeting had gone well, much as he expected.  he thought of calling her to break the news, but he's still hesitant to do so.  he has asked her out several times before, but was always turned down.  he never knew what the real reasons were, or if there are any at all.  but it wasn't always like that.  after they had met, they were inseparable; him sacrificing his rest from work in order to be with her, and her bailing out on friends' birthday parties and gatherings just to be with him.  but things went downhill after he had told her what he felt.  after all, she still has a boyfriend of three or so years and she still loves him even though he was working out of the country and it is pretty much a long distance relationship.  but since that fateful day, things have been different.  and yet even if he felt like the whole world crashed on him, he put it all in stride, continued to love her in silence as they went in different directions.  he became succesful in his career, and transferred to a better company a few months ago.  on the other hand she finally got a job in the same field as he, but in a different company.  although they still talked to each other, they were few and far in between.

deciding to take a chance, he reached into his pocket and pulled out his mobile phone.  "at least i tried," he said to himself as he dialed her number.  he thought of sending a text message first, but given the situation, he would rather hear it straight from her and not wait for a reply via sms.  her phone rang.  there was no answer.  he dialed again and got the same result.  disappointed, he put down the phone and walked to the car.  just as he got in, another round of headaches started kicking in.  these have become frequent during the last few weeks, that at one time he felt going blind.  though on this episode, the attacks died down after only a couple of seconds.  as he tried to recompose himself, the conversation from his appointment kept running through his head like a tape recorder playing again and again.  though he couldn't believe what he was told, at the back of his mind several months ago, he had prepared for this scenario.  he had also thought to himself back then that "it would be one storybook ending, and a hell of a way to go with the things i've been through; just as i pictured it to be."

his nervousness and anxiety kept building as he drove towards her place, but the chance of seeing her again made him more excited.  as he parked the car in front of her house, he sent a message to her, saying that he's already there.  "two minutes," came the swift reply.  keeping the engine running, he stepped out of the car and leaned at the rear passenger door, like a groom ready to receive her bride.  as she stepped out, his face brightened.  she never looked more beautiful.  in fact, that was what he told to himself the last time they were together.  yet everytime he sees her, she grows more and more stunning.  she greeted him with a kiss on the cheek and a hug.  "hey there," she said as her arms went around him.  surprised by the gesture, he hugged her back.  as he looked at her face, he noticed that her eyes were a bit swelled up.  "you ok?" he asked.  "you look like you didn't sleep much."  "yeah, had some things to do," she replied back.  "but i'm ok.  let's go, i'm kinda hungry already."

"what's wrong?"  he asked, concerned about what she was feeling seeing that her face was serious and there were signs of tears filling her eyes.  breaking the silence, she said, "we broke up today.  he called me up at home and admitted that he's seeing someone for six months now and has fallen for her."  a solitary tear ran down her cheek
as he went over to where she was seated and hugged her.  "all this time, i have been loyal to him, loved him, and now this?" she said in between sobs.  "even though there were other guys coming up to me and trying to court me, i turn them away because i was in a relationship.  why did he do this to me?"  at that point, she was already breaking down.  he just continued to hug her and whispered, "it's not your fault.  you were good to him.  you were every bit the kind of girlfriend a guy can ever ask for to him.  you did what thought was right.  i'm so sorry this happened."  by then, he felt that this wasn't about him or what he's gonna tell her.  it was now about this woman, who, even though she took advantage of his kindness, endured the drastic changes that happened after professing his feelings for her, made promises to him that were never realized, and even owed him money, but he still loves dearly.  her sobbing started to die down and continued on telling him what happened.  "that was the time you were trying to call me on my mobile phone.  so now you know why i didn't answer it."  realizing what happened, he quickly apologized for calling at a very bad time.  "it's ok.  i was even glad that when i saw my phone, there were two missed calls coming from you.  'twas kinda like a sign or somethin'.  i guess it's fate's way of us telling us to be together tonight," she said.  her hug was still firm.  she then let go, looked at him with a smile amidst tears still falling from here eyes and said, "but that's over now.  i have cried about it long enough after that.  the thing is, i'll always have you.  you were always there for me even though i treated you horribly, i took you for granted, but i realize now that it was you all along.  i still have you, right?"

"yes, i'll always be here," he said as his thoughts then shifted to wondering if he's still going to tell her what happened to him earlier that day.  she leaned on his shoulder after hearing his reply, and breathed a sigh of relief.  suddenly, she then asked, "you said that you wanted to talk to me about something?  what is it?"

it's been a while since i had this particular segment on my blog.  as i recall (and did a little research), it was sometime last year when i had volume 2 posted.  and it was on my old blog where i last posted it.  since i don't have a single topic to talk about, i guess this is just the right time to continue this segment.

 ***my brother upgraded his mobile phone from a nokia N70 to a sony ericsson P990i this past friday.  he had already told me about doing this around two weeks ago after learning that the price of a brand new unit had gone down to around 12k.  i was actually quite shocked at the price it had gone down to since i always thought that sony ericsson phones depreciate much lesser than nokia phones.  i had a chance to examine the phone and it's features and i would say that it may take some time to get used to the navigation since it's not as user-friendly as nokia phones, plus we've been used to nokia phone models so going through the user manual will be a must.  yet i'm impressed with its features and the stuff it can do, plus it acts like a PDA-phone.  made me think of switching as well, but it's kinda weird if i'll be going for the same model.  the main thing that made me seriously consider the idea was the price.  i mean seriously, where can you get a semi-high-end mobile phone for 12k these days?  it's newer model, the P1i, though it's much advanced in features, is not cooler-looking as it's predecessor.  plus it's still pricey.  and the P990i is somewhat of a clam-shell phone, and ever since my nokia 7200 phone, i have taken a fancy for clam-shell type phones.  but the thought is still seriously being considered, and if ever i'll do the switch, it'll be sometime during the christmas season… when i have enough money, of course.

 ***i have started compiling my christmas list.  specifically of people that i should be giving gifts to.  the partial list includes two siblings and six godchildren.  as for the friends and colleagues part, well, it's still up for consideration as to who will be part of the list.  i'd like to give gifts to as much friends and colleagues as i can, but with limited shopping time this year (compared to last year when i still have a couple of leave credits to spare to be used for shopping), i'm afraid i'll have to shorten that list to fit my free time.  but nonetheless, it's still my favorite time of the year and it's the only time when i'm feeling mostly good about everything, so who knows?  maybe this time though, i can finally have something bought for myself.  hopefully.

 ***the countdown to my much dreaded trip to the US has finally begun.  i'm set to leave on november 16, a thursday, and spend a week there.  still not sure where we'll be staying though, as my itenerary is still indefinite, but most probably it'll be with either friends or relatives.  it's also still unsure if i'll be spending thanksgiving there since i have to be back home by saturday morning of the following week due to having work that night.  most people are asking why am i only taking a week's vacation there since airfare is quite expensive.  well, for one, i only have limited leave credits remaining, with what's left plotted during the christmas and new year's celebrations which i won't be giving up for anything, even if it means extending my US trip that i don't even want in the first place.  and even though i'm trying my hardest to be positive about it, with my brother and sister telling me that it's an opportunity to buy some stuff i want there which i think is insane since things are much more expensive there plus having only a limited amount of pocket money, most that comes to mind is money being spent uselessly.  although i do have to admit that there are some things there that i want to buy, i guess it's just a matter of prioritizing what to get.  i could just see those peso and dollar signs with wings flying away…

***and lastly, while i was channel surfing yesterday afternoon while trying to get some sleep, i chanced upon one of the local channels featuring KC concepcion's mini-documentary of her four-year stay in paris, france while attending college.  again, let me just reiterate that i'm no fan of local showbiz, but seriously, this girl is drop dead gorgeous.  i watched the program in its entirety and just marveled at this girl's all-natural beauty.  i could just imagine how french guys would go crazy over her.  i just hope she doesn't end up like most other local showbiz celebrities, where success equals arrogance.  come to think of it, i think she'd be more successful in the modeling business than acting.  i can't quite picture her starring in a predictable-storywise local film.  it'll be just a waste of time, talent, and beauty.  anyways, i came across her webpage a couple of weeks ago and it's a good read with lots and lots of pictures.

oh well, another work week ahead of me.  hope everyone enjoys the rest of the weekend.

i got this from jabi and it's quite interesting how names have meanings.  since i have two first names (and the combination of both) plus one nickname, i decided to look up all of them.  results are displayed below.  tell me whether you agree with them or not, or if they have some truth to it or not.

mark anthony

Having great personal charisma you attract many admirers and are usually surrounded by friends and loved ones. You are very much a people person enjoying conversation and much social activity. A natural leader and gifted in communication you may be drawn toward the fields of writing, speaking or public life. You are a person who needs freedom to move and a constructive outlet for your creative ideas.

mark

Warrior "Latin"

You are a charismatic individual with a dynamic and attractive personality. Probably not known for your caution or patience you are a risk taker who hates to be restricted in any way. Freedom is very important to you. Your thinking and intuition is strong and you have a talent for communication. You enjoy the sensual and material pleasures of life and with the application of care and wisdom you can achieve wonderful worldly success.

anthony

Praiseworthy, or priceless "Latin"

Honest, dependable and practical you tend to have a fairly conservative but determined approach to life. Your intelligence and wisdom means that you are sought out for guidance and advice. Gifted in communication you are philosophical and intuitive and are usually a traveller both mentally and physically. People respect you for your patience, discretion and integrity.

markie

Versatile, intelligent and artistically talented. You love to enjoy yourself and tend to experience a happy domestic life and material success. You have a methodical and thorough mind and are able to organise large projects easily. Charming and likeable and with more than your share of sex appeal you tend to find yourself in the spotlight and much admired by others. Life is more fun with you around.

hmmm…. i have sex appeal??  that's a new one on me… 😀