As the final hours of 2014 wind down and 2015 is upon us, I couldn’t help going back and remember all the things that happened to me this year.  All of them are as if they just happened yesterday.  That old adage of “time flies when you’re having fun” does hold water after all.  Like I said on my Facebook post just before Christmas, 2014 is hands down the “best” year I’ve had.  The reason for the quotation marks is that I included the not-so-good things that came my way and attributed them to something positive in a sense.  Confusing, right?  Let me put it this way:  whatever hurt, pain, setback, betrayal, failure, heartbreak, or disappointment I experienced tested me.  And boy, did they test me.  With that, I was able to realize what I am made of, what I can do (and how far I’d go), what are my limits, and how true to my word and to myself I really am.  That includes a major shakeup in my faith.  At least I can honestly say that I am holding my end up of the deal I made.

2014 was more smiles than tears for me; though the weight of those tears were equal to the exhilaration which resulted in smiles.  That just what makes this year more memorable in a way.  I got to travel a lot this year.  I met new people who became real friends (more in deed than what other people claim when they say that they consider me a friend).  We may be a few remaining, but you have shown and proven what friendship is all about.  Those same friends–among other long time ones–who continue to support me in whatever personal crisis I had.  I learned a lot in my new career, and I’m still learning.  I gained weight (hence back to running in 2015).  Family has never been more supportive of me.  And as far as love goes, it never felt stronger amidst whatever was thrown at me.  Yes, tears were shed; but the resolve never faltered.  If that’s the worst I can receive, I’d have to be dead before what I feel gets taken out of me.

So 2014, thank you for everything.  You are one for the books, at the top of the heap.  What better way to send you off and welcome 2015 than with a plethora of fireworks which I will light up tonight (while being mildly intoxicated, I guess).  And with every burst of light in the air, it will remind me of all we’ve been through.  Hope the coming year will be half as good, if not better.  There will be more tests and trials, of course.  But with what I went through this year, I’m ready to face them on.  Only one thing will be constant:  and that’s you in my mind and heart.  I’m not going anywhere.

Happy, happy new year to everyone.  Hope everyone has a peaceful and safe celebration.  Still wish you’re here celebrating with me tonight.  #youknowwhoyouare

Made this last night as I was desperately wanting to fall asleep. I already posted it on Facebook, but this also needs to be here.

I lie here wide awake,
Still thinking about you and I;
Telling myself once that my feelings won’t break,
Into eternity my love will fly.
Looking at the stars as they graze the night sky,
Learning to find answers even I couldn’t make.
Listening to the silence as it passes by;
On my mind are things I cannot shake,
Voices and whispers asking why.
Everything I feel for you is true,
Yet you never seem to realize
Only you needs to be seen by these eyes;
Until then, my heart will remain forever blue.
Letting go will never be easy,
As I try to wake up every day;
Remembering what you did to me,
And the pain will forever be here to stay.

I don’t do re-blogs of other entries, but I couldn’t help doing it for this article from Thought Catalog because of the sheer truth that encompasses it, and how it exactly puts into words what and how I really feel about loving her. It is really how loving someone should be; at least both from the author’s and my perspective. Enjoy reading.

I felt the urge to write today, as well as realizing that I haven’t made a new entry in ages so here goes:

“The heart is like a vase.  You entrust it to someone you love, hoping that he or she won’t drop it.  When that happens, it shatters to pieces.  You try to piece it back together once, and it may still serve it’s purpose.  But if it keeps on getting dropped, it will shatter into tiny little pieces that you won’t ever put it back together again; yet if you do, it’s purpose is lost.”

It’s ironic that this particular saying I came up with years ago suddenly popped in my head as I was having breakfast this morning.  Ironic in the sense that, obviously it’s valentine week.  And for the 17th consecutive time, I’ll be spending that occasion as I have always done:  alone.

But I’m not about to dwell on that.  I think I’ve done that many times on my past entries.  What I want to wrap my mind around is something I suppose everyone (almost) is familiar with.  Something that has been the subject of movies, soap operas, poems, songs, and even art.  Something that I have “given” on multiple occasions which always leaves me asking myself if it was worth it (which I always answer with a yes).  It’s a little thing called:  unrequited love.

I have always believed that if you fall in love with someone, you should give your whole heart to that person because there’s no point in saying, “I love you with all my heart” if you ain’t backing it up.  But does that bode the same for loving someone who you know doesn’t love you back, or is incapable of doing so?  One would immediately say no (i could hear the phrase, “you’re insane!” already being shouted at me), but emotional persons–and hopeless romantics like myself–who can relate to what I’m saying would say otherwise.  You never choose someone you fall in love with, it just happens over time.  Friendship does play a part, but whoever told you that in time, you will end up head over heels for this person you met last week, last month, or even last year?  And yet because of things beyond your control, whatever feelings you have will never, ever be reciprocated back to you.  Others would say “you know the situation, yet you let yourself continue to fall for the person; so you got yourself into this mess.”  True enough, but tell me, is one really ready and willing to just give up and walk away from a close, personal friendship because of deeper feelings being felt?  Is it about choosing the “lesser hurt,” so to speak?  Is one being selfish by doing just that?  Then, of course there’s coming clean to that person about what you feel.  Now, being honest is one thing; but losing a valued friendship (some of which took years to develop) because you “fell in love which is crossing the friendship line” is another which most people I think are not ready for.  Pondering on all of these (yes, I’ve experienced all of them) makes me think that I’ve fallen in love over and over again with the wrong women.  Or in some cases, it’s the cliché’d right-love-at-the-wrong-time situation.

It has been said that being in love or falling in love is the most wonderful feeling in the world.  It has also been said that love is a double-edged sword.  The latter may hold true to the unrequited kind.  Being someone who has been in that situation more than twice, you think that I’d repeatedly learn my lesson.  Yes, I did.  And yes, I am quite cautious about it too.  But when a situation arises that would require me to give the love and attention that a woman deserves the way I know how, even if it ends up leaving me empty-handed again, I think wouldn’t second-guess it.  That’s how I am.  I suppose that’s the mystery of love–unrequited or not.  I just have to continue to give my entire self until someone finally comes to do the same for me.