Category Archives: Poetry

emotional tug of war

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The following poem was shown to me last night by one of my new friends.  The common thing we have with this new group (which meets up on a weekly basis to have drinks, share stories, and enjoy the company) is our interesting, colorful, and uniquely complex personal or love lives.  As one of them mentioned in a photo caption, we are “human beings unceremoniously ignored by cupid’s romp.”  Now I’m no poem critic even though I do write those from time to time, but when I first read it, I cannot help but connect with what was written.  It is very simple, but well written; and I couldn’t imagine how such a conflict of emotions was put into very simple words.  She asked me to play with it some more, and post it here.  But upon reading it again when I woke up this morning, I could not find anything to add more to it, much less remove or edit anything.  So it is with much honor that I make this free verse poem public for everyone to see.  Truth be told, the essence of the poem is what I have been feeling for the past couple of weeks.  I hope everyone else enjoys it as much as I do.  So please, read on:

 

I don’t write poems.
I’ve been called unsweet.
I’ve been referred to as intimidating, too strong, and independent.
I thought I’m all these things.
Or I thought I was.
But here I am, writing a non-rhyming poem.
Wanting sweet moments.
Feeling insecure, weak, and dependent;
and at a loss on how to handle this.
I want you.
Yet I want to unwant you.
I think of you.
Yet I find myself looking for other thoughts.
Anything, except you.
I want to hate you.
But I find myself caring for you.
You mess me up.
I’m a mess.
But as I yearn to take hold of the old me, I find myself knowing that you’re the only one who can fix me.
You mess me up,
but only you can fix me.
Clarity.  Pure, clear irony.

 

Thank you so much for sharing this with me, Cheng.  Yes, you will be okay.  As for me and my so-called lovelife, like I mentioned on my previous entries, it’s her or never again.

 

a heart’s final resolve

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I haven’t done poetry in a while so I may be a bit rusty; but here goes:

Learning to live without your constant presence has been difficult lately,

And acting normally after what happened is a struggle to do.

Remembering all that we did together and what we have is what I do oftenly,

In every waking moment, what’s on my mind is you.

Sometimes I wish that you would come to understand

Seeing you is the only thing I need to make my day complete;

And even though you consider me only as a friend,

Your eyes and smile at me will always hasten my heartbeat.

Until when I stand upon the presence of death,

Making sure you’re always happy is what I intend to do;

Until the day I draw my last breath,

Loving and missing you is the only thing my heart will do.

Whatever happens, however painful it gets, and even if it takes forever, I’ll always be here for you.  #youknowwhoyouare

poetic fifteen

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Today marks 15 years when I wrote my very first poem.  I was supposed to have a new blog entry about it sometime last week, but I thought it better to have it today when that first piece of creative writing I made was put in writing.  Granted, it’s not your typical poem with all that rhyming stuff (I think it’s called free verse or something like that), but I suppose channeling all my emotions into that literary work inspired me to express myself more.  And I would like to believe that if not for creating that poem, it would not have led to me creating and maintaining my own blog.

Back then, I wasn’t much of a speaker.  I was a timid, quiet college boy who minds his own business.  I could never carry myself well speaking in front of a crowd…  yet sometimes, I was forced to.  Still, I almost always end up making a mess out of what I’m supposed to say (I stutter mostly due to big time nervousness since I don’t like all that attention focused towards me) and I end up hating myself for not doing a good job.  I guess maybe that’s why I also developed the fascination of being in radio since everyone just hears me and not see me, but that’s a different story.

I remember writing this poem about two years after I broke up with my ex (yes, that was the last time I had a real relationship).  I was already over her and was also seeing someone else.  Despite that, I was also in the midst of re-evaluating my emotional state of mind and was reflecting on what went wrong with that past relationship and how it went wrong since I wasn’t really able to talk to someone about the break-up itself.  I kept my feelings and emotions of that fateful day under wraps until I decided to just finish it off by writing about it.  I don’t really remember how long it took for me to pen it down, but once I was done, I do remember having this heavy feeling being lifted out of me.

I originally never intended for the poem to “get out,” so to speak.  I was planning to just save and include it in my prized possessions box (yes, I do have that) as something to look back to when I got older.  But a friend of mine–God rest his soul–who was one of the very few people back then who I told about that poem was creating a website during the early years of the internet age, asked me if I would like to have that poem published online.  Initially, I wasn’t exactly thrilled at the prospect of my first literary piece being read by everyone on the planet, but I figured someone else might be feeling the same thing I felt at that time, and maybe that poem is something that person can relate to.  So I agreed to have my friend a copy of the poem and it was indeed published online.  The website lasted only for a short period of time, as unknown to us who are his friends, he was already battling cancer.  Still, that was the first time I saw my work on a website.  Who knows how many have probably copied it or used it as their own, but I felt proud that my friend took appreciation to what I’ve written and thought it was worthy enough for the whole world to see.

I’ve written some more other poems after that.  Some were published, some were not.  But all of them are in my prized possessions box.  I believe this will be the third time I will be re-posting that poem since I started blogging (2007 was the last time).  I’m not sure if it will be re-posted again, but on this special occasion, I thought of posting it again for the benefit of my new blog audience–especially those who don’t want to backtrack until when I last posted this.  Looking back, yes, I sometimes find it a bit too cheesy, but hey, it was raw and pure emotion; of course it’ll end up cheesy.  Again, it’s free verse so don’t expect for it to sound all that catchy like other poems.  And I still can’t believe it has been 15 years.  Okay, so here we go:

casualty of love

by markie – written:  11:32 pm, March 12th, 1998

I’m a casualty of love
in a battle that I fought
where you have everything to gain,
and everything to lose.

I’m a casualty of love
brought by hatred and darkness,
of torment and anger
of the ever-changing foe.

I’m a casualty of love
I fought with all my strength, all my life,
with all my heart, with all my will
and yet, I failed.

I’m a casualty of love
amidst the pain repeatedly brought to me
I stood on open ground
and faced it with integrity.

I am a casualty of love
fought with odds against me
yet I never gave up
and fought till the end.

I’m a casualty of love
forever wondering what went wrong
knowing what I did was right
with the noblest of intentions.

I’m a casualty of love
with wounds that run deep
forever changing my life
with scars only you can heal.

I’m a casualty of love
dreaming of victory
and a life of happiness,
but only loneliness will come my way.

I’m a casualty of love
as I lie in defeat,
I knew I gave it my all
for her to be with me.

I couldn’t give myself to another
for she is the only one that I truly desire.
Yet there is a next time, next life perhaps
where we can be together.

And yet if I am called once again
to fight from the very start,
God only knows that this casualty of love
will never hesitate and will rise and fight once again.