Category Archives: Life

one heartfelt wish

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Prologue:  This will serve as an “unofficial reboot” of some sorts to my last entry.  Just mere minutes after publishing that one, a chain of events have unfolded which led me to… how would I say it… have a “change of heart” (pun intended).  Nevertheless, I still stood by what I wrote before, and since I’m human, I’m also allowed to change my mind sometimes; and this is one of them.

In a little over 30 days, I again turn another year older.  As I’ve mentioned before, I am a big fan of birthdays; just not my own anymore.  Because over the last decade or more, I have always made other people special when my birthday comes.  I throw parties (in which I obligatory do the spending, and it’s mostly for my family and relatives since they’re the closest to me), soaked up other people’s well-wishes, drank myself to a stupor, or practically did whatever the hell I wanted (within reason, of course).  But two things remained constant year after year:  one, I have not received a physical birthday gift since the early part of 2000 (if my memory serves me right, and yes, birthday cards do NOT count–at least for me; I consider that the thought, not a gift); and two, of course, I’m still single.

I don’t mind not getting any birthday gifts.  I’ve probably gotten used to that over time.  Maybe people throwing a party for me (and not me doing all the spending) would be something nice to experience at least once; but at this stage of my life, seeing most–if not all–my same-aged friends and schoolmates posting pictures online being with their significant others, or having their own families made me think, “am I ever, ever going to be like them?”

Those who really know me up close and personal know how my “love story” goes (if one would ever call it that).  I have fallen in love, was taken for granted, and gotten hurt several times but none even came close to having a real relationship after the last one I had back in ’95-’96.  It’s like I’ve mastered the art of picking up the pieces, falling in love with the wrong woman (always), and being that friend with benefits or the “meantime guy.”  It may be okay during the first few times, but like everything else, it too gets old.  So after having that episode five years ago with the last woman who I tried to pursue (who eventually took advantage of my attitude and ended up being torn to pieces online), not to mention the woman who I last fell in love with in 2004, I thought to myself that the next woman who I will seriously have feelings for, will be it; that she will be the last great risk I’ll have my battered, pieced-up, and tired heart taking.  I honestly never thought that would ever happen despite me continuing to go through the dating scene.  Or so I thought.

So here I am now in this situation again.  But there’s something different.  Really, really different.  The feelings I have for this woman right now is much more than what I’ve experienced before.  And that makes me more scared and excited at the same time.  More than I can imagine.  She makes me have butterflies in my stomach every time we’re together.  She makes my darkest days disappear whenever I see her.  She is my second wind when I feel exhausted.  And she makes me miss her terribly when we’re apart.  I could honestly say that I have never felt this way before.  But looking at the bigger picture, it won’t likely end well for me.  Again.  It’s the proverbial scenario where I have everything to gain and nothing to lose.  But I guess for me to risk every single one of whatever chips my heart has left, I still have something to lose.  And yet for me to feel this way is something I’m very thankful for.  It made me realize that I still have something left in the realm of giving myself to the one who I know (and if all goes well) will make me very happy and finally break that spell of me being single.  Fate has tested me.  Fate is still testing me.  And I’m calling the bluff.

So what does all that have to do with my month-away birthday?  Simple.  If I could have just one gift, just one; one that afterward, I would promise to never, ever have to ask for anything again, is for things to end up happily between us.  I have shown her who and what I am as a person, and what I am capable of doing for her.  Yes, this is me; here I am, pleading to the universe to conspire to have us end up being together.  I suppose I have done lots of good things to other people in my life over the years (including hers) and that I am hoping for some good luck to come my way at least once.  I know that she is the one for me.  Otherwise, I would not have felt this way.  This is whatever is left of me and my heart, and that I would do anything just to make her happy or see her smile and not make her shed a single tear of sadness or feel an ounce of neglect; that I will always be there for her, support her, fight for her and always be proud of her; and that I’d risk my own dreams being fulfilled just to see hers realized, and give up my own happiness in order for her to be treated the way she deserves to be.

And if I’m still not worthy of such a gift, then at least make her feel everything that I just said with someone who will do exactly the same for her.  And I will still do what I have promised, not to ask for anything again.

Though a party for me without me spending anything would be a nice fallback.  Just kidding.

hitting the ground running

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First off, happy new year to everyone!  🙂

This might be considered a reblog since most of the material came from a previous entry.  The only reason why I wanted to post this again is to remind myself of these 13 guidelines to help me get through the year.  Of course, being the first day of 2013, it is but proper to start off by setting your mind straight on how you want your year to be.  Despite 2012 being a bad year for me, without this list to remind me, it could’ve been much, much worse.  Who knows, maybe having these guidelines can help others too.  So, instead of listing down new year’s resolutions, have this instead.  You won’t get tied down, and have some elbow room to work around should you have an exact goal in mind to achieve this year.

1.  Be positive and stay positive.

2.  Repeat number one.

3.  Say what you feel, as long as you know it’s the truth, or at least has some semblance of it.  Be it about a person, situation, or anything that tickles your fancy, strikes a chord, or messes you up.  Don’t hold back.  Being tactless is something people who can’t handle the truth came up with as an excuse.

4.  Dream big and aim high.

5.  Do anything and everything within reason to make number four a reality and hitting it.  Anything falling short of them or settling for “the good that came out of it” is not an option.

6.  In every undertaking for number five, remember these words:  “discipline and focus.”

7.  Flirt, date, get laid.

8.  Fall in love.

9.  Do not do the latter part of number seven to just to get to number 8.  You should know better than that.

10.  Screen your opportunities carefully.  While most others say grab every single one, remember that opportunities are generic in nature.  Some may help you, while others may look like to help you, but are really to doom you.

11.  Pray.  Whatever religion you’re in, or even if you’re an agnostic or atheist, it doesn’t hurt to ask help from the forces of good…  and thank them once in a while.

12.  Pamper yourself.  However, whenever.

13.  When all else fails, go back to number one.

For those who really know me, you might notice that my “lowered expectations” belief is not included on the list.  Well, it’s simply because that has been my mantra for several years now.  I am what you would say, an “eternal optimist, yet staunch realist.”  Though I try to see things in a glass half-full kind of way, I also try not to let things go way over my head.  In my experiences, this has helped me keep my feet on the ground and makes me appreciate more the little things in life.  Strange as it may sound to others, that’s how it is for me.

Hope 2013 will be a good year for you.  With how things went down for me last year, I’m hoping this year will be way better.  And with the help of these guidelines, I’m sure it could not get any more worse.

two zero one two

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The holidays have always served as a thanksgiving of sorts for me.  More so, a time to reflect on what has happened to me during the past 12 months, especially as the last day of the year approaches.  This year is no different.  Although I must say with all honesty, this has been the most challenging year for me…  so far.  From being screwed over by a colleague I thought I trusted, to taking a chance at chasing a lifelong dream, to making the worst professional decision I’ve ever made, and–surprise, surprise–to still being single.

Yet unlike previous year-ender entries I have made, I’m not going to spend much time recanting stories and experiences simply because they have already been told here…  well, at least most of ’em.  Those untold ones may find their place on this blog someday, somehow.  It could be in a form of a story, or a blunt recollection of actual events.  Still, it doesn’t mean that those events are far less significant than the others.  As they say, there is a time and a place to tell everything.

I may be a bit biased when I said that this year was the most challenging for me due to events that happened during the latter part of the year.  True, but prior to those events, it was already challenging as it is.  The degree of difficulty just went up several notches.  But, being the glass half-full kind of guy that I am, I try to see what good–no matter how small–it brings me.  And much to my surprise, I discovered something in myself I never thought I’d see.  Or maybe it’s a rediscovery of something I had; that being lost along the way either because I took things for granted, or simply just got lost in the scheme of things as time went by.

At the beginning of this year, it was said that 2012 is a lucky year for those born in the year of the Dragon.  With everything that has happened to me, it was the exact opposite.  Still, things could’ve been much worse, so I’m still thankful for all the good things that came my way.  And despite what I’m going through right now, I could say that I’m still lucky in some ways.  Maybe I was destined to be where I’m at; or maybe I needed to go through what most others would not have done in a heartbeat; maybe this is all just a precursor to bigger and better things, but I don’t want to get my hopes too high just yet.  Remembering my mantra, “lowered expectations;” it’s better to be surprised in a very good way, rather than expect good things to happen, only to come crashing down hard in defeat.

As 2013 enters, I may have to make some changes to and for myself.  These are stemming from what I have learned from the previous year.  I got my hands full as it is, but these changes are well needed.  So hopefully–and with a little luck–things will go more of my way this time.  I hope that whatever changes you may need to make for yourself also bring you better things.  Let’s all welcome the new year with hope and positivity of greater things for all of us.  I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas celebration, and I’m wishing everyone a prosperous new year!

By the way, for those keeping score, I still have not yet forgiven myself.

on this day, eight years ago…

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Eight years.

Even I am quite surprised that what started out as an outlet for expressing my thoughts and feelings would last this long, with close to 290 entries in total.  Granted, I may have slowed down significantly over the past two or so years, but I think having that number of entries over that span of time is still quite a feat…  at least for me.  Other bloggers may have twice or even thrice the number over the same amount of time, but I guess the difference between me and (most of) them is that I write on impulse and feeling which is not time-bound at all.  After all, this is a personal blog.

Let’s see, I think I have written about almost anything one can think of.  Yes, more than half of my entries may be about my love life (or lack thereof), but I suppose I have touched on every subject matter I can think of.  But with all of those entries, I make it a point that it has two characteristics:  truth and honesty.  I always speak with an element of truth to what I am saying, and convey what I really feel inside.  I mean, there’s no point in maintaining a personal blog when the entries are full of outrageous or deceiving feelings and information that can be easily contradicted with realistic fact.  Unless if it is a politician’s blog, then maybe.  But I can vouch that for each and every entry I have written, it has both truth and honesty.  I could care less if I step on other people’s toes or hurt some feelings, or even challenge social or religious norms; like I have said time and again:  this is my blog, this is my space, and I can responsibly say whatever I want, whenever I want.  And I cannot imagine doing it any other way.

Seriously, has it been really that long?  I guess it really is.

Eight years, 286 entries, 189 comments, 16 categories, 100 percent truth, honesty, and most importantly, heart.

And a partridge in a pear tree.

bruised and bloodied

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It’s been a while.

While I hope to be writing again on more uplifting circumstances–especially after a long absence–I’m afraid it’s somehow the opposite.  I guess it’s because for the first time in my life, I might have done something I wish I could take back.

Don’t get me wrong, I have always lived my life without any regrets.  And that I have always believed that having regrets is like slapping the face of a teacher trying to teach you a lesson.

I suppose the old adage holds true:  “there is always a first time for everything.”  Or maybe, all of us are meant to experience this kind of situation in one way or another.  Yet I have always, always had my better judgement prevail in the midst of being faced with such difficult choices.  After all, I have gone halfway through my life experiencing almost everything a professional would encounter.  Add to that, I sought the advice and wisdom of friends and colleagues-turned-friends alike.  All of them telling me to go with the decision I made.  But let me be very clear that for the record, I am NOT in any way putting blame on them.  It was MY decision to make.  MY own.  I blame MYSELF for this.  It’s like what I tell my friends when they ask me for advice:  “I can always tell you what you want to hear, or what you need to hear.  But in the end, it’s going to be you and you alone who makes that decision.”

I honestly feel that I betrayed myself; went against my (un)written rule:  “never settle for anything less than what you truly believe you deserve to receive for yourself.”  Years of blood, sweat, and tears of getting to where I am somehow just thrown away like trash.  If there is an opposite to the term “sellout,” then that befits me rightly.

It may be that easy to say, “then just turn around, you asshole!  Why wallow in your predicament?”  If only it were that easy and complication-free.  I did what I think I had to do.  I surely do not know the reason why I did it, and right now, I’m still searching the very recesses of what’s left of my soul for answers.  I may find it, or I may not.  But now that I’m here, and what’s done is done, I just move forward.  I may not like–borderline, hate–what I did, but I am a professional.  I do what’s asked of me; use my expertise, knowledge and wisdom I have acquired over the years and be better.  I’ll deal with it, like what I have always done in life.

All of that was two weeks ago.  Since then, I’ve been picking up the pieces of my pride, ego, and better judgement that received a major ass-whooping from, who else, myself.  I guess being a Gemini has it’s benefits.  My other side is carrying me through each and every day.  Only time will really tell if I’ll ever forgive myself.

Yet, maybe there’s a deeper reason why I am where I am.  Fate?  Chance?  Part of the life program?  A higher power at work?  Who knows?  All I do know right now is that I made my own shitload of a mess, and I’m the only one who can and will clean it up.