He gazed his teary eyes into hers as he finally admitted his long-standing feelings.  He never imagined when or how he would eventually tell her that fact, but here it is.  All that previously mattered to him was that he showed her what she meant to him; and how he would treat her if given the chance.  But his respect for her on-and-off relationship with her boyfriend kept him from telling her everything.  He did not want to be the one who “stole” her away despite the numerous opportunities that presented itself; he wanted to earn her love.

“I didn’t want to lose whatever we had, despite my condition,” he managed to continue as he slowly held her arms.  “For sure, things would’ve been different if…  if I told you.  And besides, you’re with him.  You love him.  Despite the arguments, the fights you two had, I can see that you still do love him.  And I wouldn’t want to jeopardize that.  Most people wouldn’t understand why, but I get it.  I know how you feel.  For my part, I just wanted to constantly see you smile, and I’d do anything, everything to make sure that you do.”  She was still reeling at the thought of him having feelings for her.  It did cross her mind on some occasions, but with him knowing all too well of her current relationship, she wouldn’t–didn’t–take it as something serious.

“Does anyone else here know about…  you know, what you feel?”  she finally asked him.

“I suppose so,” he replied.  “Some people have been telling me how obvious I am when it comes to you; and honestly, they actually thought you knew too but just didn’t pay any attention to it.”

“But still, why didn’t you tell me about your condition?” she then asked as she tried to piece two and two together.

“It’s just like what I said with everyone earlier.  I didn’t want to be treated or looked at differently,” he answered.  “Believe me, I wanted you to be the first one outside of my family to know.  But tell me, if I did tell you, would you have looked at me, or treated me any different?”

“God, of course!  This is your life we’re talking about!”

“See, that’s what I don’t want.  Sure, I would’ve gotten more attention from you–which would’ve been great and all–but it won’t be quite real because both of us know for a fact that one day soon, it’ll all be over because I’ll be…  gone.  I’d rather have the real you, not the one who would increasingly care for me just because my days are numbered.”  He was pacing around, trying to make her understand his point of view about the kind of relationship with her he preferred, not wanted.

He sat on the table so his eyes were at level with hers while she stood as he looked at her intently.  “All that matters to me right now is you,” he continued.  “I know you don’t feel the same way, and I understand that.  But I want to spend whatever time I have left to make you feel happy whenever you’re not; to be there for you whenever you’re alone; to listen to you when no one else does; to hug you whenever you feel down; and to love you from afar…  just like before.”

He was barely able to finish what he was saying when he felt a sharp pain on his side.  He winced in pain as his hand grabbed his ribs in a reflex to what he felt.  “What’s wrong?  Are you okay?” she asked as she tried to frantically understand what was going on.  “I…  don’t know…”  was all he could muster to answer as the pain’s intensity slowly rose.  He struggled to stand up as she tried to place his free arm on her shoulder.

“No…  don’t bother,” he said, stuttering, realizing what she was doing.  “I’ll be… okay.”

Then without warning, he collapsed to the floor and was unconscious.

to be continued…

Everyone’s gaze was glued on him as he narrated how the disease got a grip on him.  How he continued to work despite going through a battery of tests and treatments sowed amazement from a few in the room.  Yet, as much as he tried to keep himself focused on the task at hand by day, it was a totally different story once he gets off.  He begged off after-office nightcaps, usually inventing some reason in order to make his medical appointments which were subtlety arranged.  Until slowly, unconsciously, his concentration began to be compromised and that’s when he started contemplating on his mortality.  He would appear distant when people talk to him, and would sometimes have very short attention spans.  His body initially responded to the treatment, but the disease seemed to get more and more of a foothold as his finances–not just his overall health–were also taking its toll.

Closing his tale, he told everyone, “I know I still have a couple of weeks here before I finally leave, and I would greatly appreciate it if no special treatment would be given to me.  Just because my life is coming to an end, I wouldn’t want to be treated differently; it would just remind me more of where I’m going.”  A few chuckles broke out after that as he tried to make light of the thick tension that engulfed the room.  “I have already made my peace some time ago that this will be my fate.  And as much as I fought to try and continue to prolong my journey, I just decided to embrace whatever I have and really just live out what time I have left.”  He again slowly scanned the room from left to right, looking at everyone’s eyes before abruptly thanking everyone for their time in staying and declared that the meeting is over.  Some were still in shock as the room slowly emptied, while others went to him and offered either a hug or a handshake.  He gladly obliged, and not long after, a short line was in place of colleagues offering well-wishes, support, and prayers.

As the door to the room finally closed when the last person left, he turned to go back to his chair when he saw her standing behind it with eyes that spell of complete disbelief.  He managed a dry grin as he went on fixing the things on his table.  “All this time, and you didn’t tell me?!  What were you thinking?!”  Her voice started to break as she fidgeted, trying to make sense of what just happened and how she wasn’t able to know despite being “close” to him during these past few months.  “How can you be so selfish?  How can you be so goddamn selfish?!”

“I’m selfish?  I’m selfish?!”  He finally managed to retort back.  “What do you think I’ve been doing for the last couple of months?  Tell me, every time we talked; every time we went out, the things I did, they were all because of you, right?  Whenever you’re down, when you came in sick at work, whenever you needed someone to help you out, whenever you had no one to be with you during lunches or dinners, or going through your shopping just to make you feel better after a bad day at work, who do you turn to?  Me, right?  When you and your boyfriend had those fights, who do you go to and help make you feel better?  Who made the sacrifice play when he suddenly shows up whenever we already had made plans, or worse, when you make plans with me and then cancel at the last minute just so you can do whatever the hell you want?  Who?!”

A tear fell from his eye as he ended his tirade.  She started to sob.  “But I thought we were friends; buddies who tell each other everything; I thought you’re my friend,” she started to reply back.

“A friend?  God, I knew you wouldn’t understand,” he said as he cut her off, placing his hands on the table, shook and bowed his head.  “I knew it.  You wouldn’t, despite everything.”

“Understand what?  That someone who I considered my friend keeps something very important from me, while I pour my heart and soul about my life?  Tell me, what don’t I fucking understand?!”  She grabbed his arms and tried to raise his face to look at him as she emphatically voiced her question.

“That I am madly in love with you, okay?!”

…to be continued.