Category Archives: Life

emotional tug of war

Leave a reply

The following poem was shown to me last night by one of my new friends.  The common thing we have with this new group (which meets up on a weekly basis to have drinks, share stories, and enjoy the company) is our interesting, colorful, and uniquely complex personal or love lives.  As one of them mentioned in a photo caption, we are “human beings unceremoniously ignored by cupid’s romp.”  Now I’m no poem critic even though I do write those from time to time, but when I first read it, I cannot help but connect with what was written.  It is very simple, but well written; and I couldn’t imagine how such a conflict of emotions was put into very simple words.  She asked me to play with it some more, and post it here.  But upon reading it again when I woke up this morning, I could not find anything to add more to it, much less remove or edit anything.  So it is with much honor that I make this free verse poem public for everyone to see.  Truth be told, the essence of the poem is what I have been feeling for the past couple of weeks.  I hope everyone else enjoys it as much as I do.  So please, read on:

 

I don’t write poems.
I’ve been called unsweet.
I’ve been referred to as intimidating, too strong, and independent.
I thought I’m all these things.
Or I thought I was.
But here I am, writing a non-rhyming poem.
Wanting sweet moments.
Feeling insecure, weak, and dependent;
and at a loss on how to handle this.
I want you.
Yet I want to unwant you.
I think of you.
Yet I find myself looking for other thoughts.
Anything, except you.
I want to hate you.
But I find myself caring for you.
You mess me up.
I’m a mess.
But as I yearn to take hold of the old me, I find myself knowing that you’re the only one who can fix me.
You mess me up,
but only you can fix me.
Clarity.  Pure, clear irony.

 

Thank you so much for sharing this with me, Cheng.  Yes, you will be okay.  As for me and my so-called lovelife, like I mentioned on my previous entries, it’s her or never again.

 

paradox of paradoxes

Leave a reply

*rant mode: on*

What a way to begin the month. It was a roller coaster ride of emotions. Started by waking up from a bad dream the night before which was very vivid that I didn’t have the slightest drowsiness upon opening my eyes.  I had to literally sit down for a couple of minutes to compose and calm myself down.  And as I got ready to do the things needed at work today, I thought back on how things were the day before when I reaped praises from the company director on how I’m progressing with the office set up.  That somehow lifted me up and didn’t mind the usual traffic on the way to the office to have more meetings on getting repairs done.  I even had upbeat music on the background and was kind of moving my body along with the beat as I made my way through rush hour.

I was able to breeze through my morning meeting and even felt good that most of the things that were suggested the day before can be done and everything should be operational in a few weeks.  My excitement built up as I drove to pick up an item for someone who was excited in getting it as it took weeks of waiting for it to arrive.  Along with another item I was luckily able to get the day before, it made me all the more look forward to the reaction when I hand over those items.  I decided to drive back to a place near where we would meet so that I can finish the rest of my work and have my daily report ready.  It was already past mid-afternoon when all the things on my to-d0 list were done and all that’s left is to have the call with my boss.  I did, and he was also happy from what the company director told him about his visit, complimented me on a job well done and to continue doing what needs to be done.  I felt like I was on a roll that day.

I finally got to hand over the items, and the face reaction was priceless.  It felt good seeing happiness being radiated and I was also happy.  I was asked to help out with the work stuff and I gladly obliged.  We went to a place where there was good food and fast internet, so we were both having dinner while on our laptops; I was being given instructions on what to do, and I would follow intently and ask questions if something was amiss.  I did my part and finished what was asked of me.  Unfortunately, there was a need to log in early so we finished things up hurriedly and left.  We were still quite a way’s distance from the office building when I was told that it was far enough.  Apparently, she doesn’t want to be seen with me because she might get “gossiped” at the office (which has happened before when someone saw us together when I dropped her off).  Though this was not the first time that was mentioned to me, I never thought that the notion was serious.

Honestly, I felt like a ton of bricks fell on me.  That’s how close I can describe my emotions right that second when those words were uttered.  Are you ashamed to be with me? Am I not that worthy to be seen with you, even as a friend?  So why can’t you stand up for me as one?  I know I’m not attractive or handsome that can match with the beauty that you have, but why throw me aside like used toilet paper?  If you don’t do that to your other friends who you go out with, then why me?  What’s so different about me in particular?  I won’t be surprised that you’re not even proud to have me as a “friend;” and that I don’t get mentioned the slightest bit when you have conversations with other people, or with your other circle of friends as someone who you can count on when you need someone to help you out, or has always been there for you. Truth be told, you have not even introduced me to any of your friends or to your colleagues when we come across them by chance. I can’t understand what’s the big deal with what other people think about you when they see that you’re with someone like me.  It’s none of your business anyway.  But I guess you have your reasons. In any case, so be it. It’s part of who you are, and I have to accept that.

I am sorry that I do not meet your standards as someone who is truly worthy to be seen with you.  I am sorry that I am not someone you can be proud to show off to other people. And I am sorry that I am not a more good-looking friend. I really am. At least I now know all too well that I’ll be treated that way again… and again… and again.  But that will not stop me from always being there for you, making sure that you are always happy and that you are treated the way you should be. Why? Because you are much more than a friend to me. And if I can treat you like I do when you are at your best, I can do the same when you are at your worst.

Maybe one day, things will be different.  Maybe someday, you’ll speak praises about me; or at least be proud of me.  Maybe there will be a time when you would want me to be seen with you, or that it wouldn’t matter to you if we are seen together. Until then, I’ll just keep silent whenever you would cast me aside. And most probably, when that time comes when you do otherwise, I’ll also just keep silent since I’ll already be six feet under.

Goodnight, beautiful.  #youknowwhoyouare

*rant mode: off*

the epitome of beautiful

Leave a reply

Here’s a realization I had today in the midst of getting my work tasks done. I wrote it down immediately so as not to lose the train of thought I was having; as well as the momentum that came with it, so here goes:

For me, using the word “beautiful” to describe someone these days has taken a whole new meaning. It is now more than just outright physical appearance: It’s the way how someone captures me and my imagination.

To start off, it’s wanting to know what’s behind those expressive, yet enchanting eyes when they look or stare at me and makes me melt; or at times, how she sees right through me. The way she exhudes confidence in the way she carries herself in whatever outfit she decides to wear that fits her mood for the day; how she flashes that sweet, sweet smile at me which always takes my breath away; the manner in how she flips her hair, or runs her finger above her ear, putting her locks behind it; having that pensive look when she’s serious, whether while busy with her work on something or in the midst of finding a solution to a problem; the way she talks and explains herself that makes me captivated to listen and understand every word she says, proving without a doubt that she is intelligent as she is gorgeous; how she laughs very naturally and emits that contagious vibe of sheer joy whenever she does; the way she commands respect and awe every time she arrives or enters a room that makes other people’s attention gravitate toward her; that straight-arrowed feistyness in getting her point across and her determination to defend herself in an argument, especially if she firmly believes that she’s right; having the right combination of innocence and playfulness which leaves me wondering what comes next; even in the way she sleeps, takes a nap, or break down and cry which shows she’s also human after all. But above it all, it is her always having that indescribable aura around and within her that leaves me wanting to be with her more and more each day that passes, and makes me fall head over heels in love with her every time we’re together.

With all the women who came and went in my life, only one has shown all of those. And I can ultimately say that no one else will ever come close to how she is with everything I mentioned; and that I will never use the word “beautiful” to describe someone else ever again. That, in a nutshell for me, is her personified.

Goodnight, beautiful. #youknowwhoyouare

over and done

Leave a reply

It’s over.

The one thing that I described as the inevitable has finally come into fruition.  Once again, that time-honored phrase, “hope for the best, expect the worst” proved itself; that despite my purest of intentions, sincerest of feelings, noblest of actions, heaps of sacrifices, tons of prayer, and taking that leap of faith, I end up with nothing…  again.

For the very last time.

Everything happened so fast in the last 36 hours that mere words still couldn’t describe the exact feeling I have at this moment.  And this entry is just a lame attempt at piecing together what scattered, unbridled, sheer, and unabashed pain and sadness I’m experiencing.

I would actually feel better if I was just dead.  Seriously.  No, seriously.

I mean, I couldn’t imagine what I have done wrong to deserve this…  or to even continue to walk this earth.  Honestly, I’m beginning to lose sight of what is right and wrong and I don’t fucking know how to distinguish which is which anymore.  All I know is that I loved someone the way she should be loved:  all-out, head over heels, doing-whatever-it-takes-just-to-make-her-happy, and tear-your-chest-and-pull-out-your-heart-and-offer-it-to-her kind of love.  And to think I even showed respect; and even restraint.  Respected her situation, respected what she wanted and needed, respected the general rule of never take what others have, and even restrained myself from taking advantage of a very vulnerable situation… again out of respect.  And what did I get in return?  Your answer is as good as mine.

As for asking divine assistance and intervention, well, what can I say?  Nothing really.  Other than I’ll be living up to my end of the deal I made with the one upstairs:  that I won’t be asking anything else from Him for myself anymore for as long as I live.  Does that include praying?  Probably.  Does this mean I won’t go to church on Sundays anymore?  No, I’ll continue to go, but only out of respect for my parents since I was raised a Catholic.  Other than that, I don’t think asking for help, guidance, or whatever will be necessary moving forward.  Yes, I am so thankful for the other things that He has given me.  But I guess when it comes to praying that someone I love wholeheartedly will open her eyes, realize the sincerity and realness of my feelings for her and love me back the same way, all I got was silence.  Again, despite what the all-knowing knows how I really feel about her inside.  Will this change my belief in God?  No.  I now have accepted the fact that He’s just too busy dealing with other things than to really give me what I have been praying for myself the last decade or so; and after numerous setbacks in relationships and trying to have one.

So where does this leave me?  Pick up the pieces?  Again?  Not anymore.  I have dealt my final hand, pushed the last of my chips in, risked big for the chance to win big, and did everything I can–and I do mean everything–for that elusive chance at personal happiness.  Will I hate women?  No, not ever.  Will I still believe in true love?  Definitely.  But I suppose it’s just not for me.  I’ll just go on with how things will be meant for me.  Life can throw all the shit it can–and include the kitchen sink, too–on me and I couldn’t care less.  I have already reached the lowest point in my personal life that despite the fact that I can still get up, all that shit thrown at me will have become a part of me.  Am I admitting to defeat?  No.  What I am admitting to is what fate has written for me.  I promised myself a couple of years ago that whoever would be the next woman I’ll fall in love with will be the last one; whether it ends up well or not.  And when I commit to someone or something, I make sure to see it through until the end.

But I have no regrets.  None whatsoever.  All I ever did for love was just that:  for love.  I can truly say that I have never given so much of myself for one woman other than what I did recently.  Probably the only thing left for me to give is my own life.  And I would’ve gladly done that in a heartbeat.  I suppose maybe that’s what it takes for her to realize the kind of love I have for her.  Though I still had that chance to retain whatever we have if I hadn’t professed my true feelings, the last ounce of self-respect I have prompted me to just take that leap of faith and see what happens.

One day, I will smile again; maybe not in the same way, but that will do.  One day, I will go on dates again.  But never for anything serious anymore.  You can contradict, refute or rebuke me on this all you want; all I can say is that none of you have no right whatsoever to dictate what I do or will do with my personal life, have a say in what I feel towards having relationships, or even how I feel about her.  Why?  Because I still love her.  And I always will until the day I die.  Nothing will change that.  Nothing.  Absolutely nothing. 

Love has been a heck of a ride.  It really was.  I can proudly say that I can leave having relationships behind with my head held high because I left no stone unturned and ran the full mile without holding anything back.  I may be emotional and cry about it from time to time, but I’m only human.  So from now on, it’s just companionship and friendship.  Whether it’ll be with benefits or not, it doesn’t matter.  Until I can go back to that level, it’s back to movies, meals, coffee, road trips all by myself.  After all, that’s the next best thing I’m good at.

So that’s it.  With finality, I can say that…

I’m done.

 

the letter (conclusion)

Leave a reply

“Dear beautiful,

I know you mentioned to me before that you don’t like being given compliments, but I don’t believe that one bit.  Probably you don’t like getting those from me, and only me for some reason.  In any case, yes, I’m referring to you.  Yes, you.  It has always been you.  You are my world, my universe, the one person who I swore to myself–aside from quietly to you as well–that I would do anything to make sure you’re taken cared of, treated the way a woman such as yourself should be treated, the one woman who has made the biggest impact in my life since my mother, the one who makes me fall head over heels all over again every time I see you, and the one who I’ll finally love forever.  I won’t wish that what happened last night didn’t happen; when you found out about everything how I felt for you when you accidentally saw your pictures on my phone’s home screen.  I guess it was fate’s way of making things happen; not exactly how I pictured or wanted it to be, but I cannot do anything about that now, can I?

I have felt this way about you for a long time now.  But I chose not to say anything to you because obviously you were in a relationship at that time and I highly respected that.  Yet somewhere along the line, despite doing everything I can to not to do so, I fell in love with you.  Seriously.  So I did what I thought was the only way I know how–and probably the next best thing for me:  to love you from afar.  Making you happy was my primary goal.  Seeing you flash that gorgeous smile, or hearing you express your utter happiness at something I did for you was enough for me to feel a sense of accomplishment…  and a bit of happiness too.  Being with you makes me at peace, erases all the uncertainties and whatever doubts I have, removes all the physical and mental weariness I’ve got, and brightens up my day in ways I couldn’t imagine.  Though I know all too well that there was a very significant chance that you will not feel the same for me the way I do about you, I still chose to continue doing what I did.  After all, loving someone is both taking a risk and making a decision.  And it’s the only way I can prove to myself, to God, and ultimately to you, that my intentions are really noble.  Of course, it may have come across to you as somewhat taking advantage of the friendship we have, but again, it was a risk that I took.  And if by me doing that hurt you, then I’m truly and sincerely sorry.  All I wanted was for you to feel how it is to be given all the time, attention, care, and the kind of love that you so richly deserve from a man who you give your heart to.

Like I said, I couldn’t change what happened last night; nor am I not writing this to make you change your mind either.  Fate as already spoken.  I suppose what I mainly wanted to say is:  thank you.  Thank you for everything, and I do mean everything: all that we did together, all that we talked about, all the times that you needed me and relied on me, all the moments that we spent doing whatever, and even the arguments we had, everything.  It felt really good to be needed by someone; especially by you.  I haven’t felt that way in ages, and because of you, I felt important and of significance in a way to someone again.

Thank you for bringing out in me how to really love someone–by enduring the most painful of hurts:  not expecting anything–or probably at least in the most miniscule manner–even close to similar about what I feel back from you.  Thank you for making me do things I wouldn’t have thought or imagined that I could do…  all for someone such as you.  A lot of the things I did for you were really firsts for me.  Looking back, I am even surprised at myself that I would have an eye for dresses, shoes, and accessories that look great on you, actually find the time and way to research on make-up (of all things), or travel quite a distance and even endure an hour or two in heavy traffic just to go and see you for less than 10 minutes.  I wouldn’t trade any of those for anything else in the world.

Thank you for telling and showing me the resolve, determination and strength of your being and character; for overcoming the most difficult parts of your life all by yourself.  After all the hardships you’ve been through growing up and making your way through your professional career, and enduring the painful aspects of your personal life, it made me want to take care of you even more, be there for you when everyone else has left your side, and be the source of strength and inspiration in your time of momentary weakness.  Thank you for your faithfulness despite all the negative things your ex brought or has given you.  It also made me kept the faith and hold on to that elusive hope that maybe one day–despite knowing for sure that there won’t be a chance–my efforts in showing you how you are supposed to be treated, would somehow find it’s way back to me coming from you, even in the smallest way possible.

Thank you for your frequency in changing your mind and canceling the numerous plans we’ve made at the last minute.  It tested my patience with you in the hardest of ways, and made me understand and appreciate you even more whenever we were together.  Thank you for your trust in my judgment whenever we shop for your clothes, shoes, make-up, and accessories.  It made me so lucky just to see how jaw-droppingly beautiful you are in every way, and in whatever you try on.  You often dismiss the fact that you really are so beautiful, but I’m telling you, please don’t.  You’re right up there in the looks department with the best of them, and I would’ve been proud to show you off to the world…  if only.

Thank you for making me feel that I can completely love and fall in love again…  for the very last time.  Among all the women who I fell for, you take the cake.  I have endured so much heartbreak and rejection in my life that I swore a couple of years ago that whoever will be the next woman I will fall in love with, will be the last one for me, win or lose.  Thank you for being that last woman who I made that big emotional investment and fall completely for.  Giving my everything to you is the only way I know how loving someone should be.  I know too well that you did that to your ex; and believe me when I say that there were lots of times I wished that I was him…  or the next man you’ll give your heart to.  I couldn’t have imagined a much better woman to have risked all my remaining emotional chips for, to receive that last ounce of love coming from my heart that was pieced back together in more ways than one other than you.  I have nothing else to offer you; I know I’m not the handsome type you want your man to be, but what I lack in the physical attributes, I would’ve made up for in my attitude and showing you how much I love you.

I also want to say just this once that if only you would realize and understand how good we are–or were–and would’ve been whenever we are together.  That has been proven on many occasions before.  And I wouldn’t get tired in repeating myself when I say that I would do anything to make you happy.  Yet I understand your inability to see that; whether it’s natural, or you turning a blind eye, or me falling short of your standards and expectations.  Respect and understand; that’s all I ever do–aside from love–when it comes to you.  Still, nothing changes.  I have prepared myself for whatever happens and have already set everything up for myself whatever the outcome may be; and what happened last night finally showed me the direction where to go to.  It was either I’ll be happy living with you, or be content living alone.  Both are for the rest of my life.  Nothing else matters anymore.  I had everything to gain and nothing left to lose.  Again, this is the only way I know how to love and the way it should be; and you deserve nothing less than that.  Pure, selfless, wholehearted, come-what-may, proud, supportive, strong and dedicated kind of love.  I don’t mind giving up my own wants, needs and dreams if it means having all of yours come true.  I’m okay with that.  For you, just for you.

You came and became part of my life in a way I never, ever expected.  Now that the writing on the wall is as clear as day, the only thing left for me to do is to wish that you receive the kind of happiness I would’ve given you from that someone new your heart calls for.  As for me, well, you know I’m always a phone call or text away; but I suppose after how things went down, you wouldn’t be giving me much of anything anytime soon.  I don’t blame you for feeling that way towards me.  I understand completely.  Again, for what it’s worth, I’m truly sorry if you felt strongly against it.  I would never, ever, even in my wildest dreams make you feel awkward around me or cause you pain.  And as for the things I promised you, don’t worry I will still see them through and fulfill them.  I’m not the one who breaks promises when I make them just because things or circumstances change.  So you can count on those things we talked about, that’s for sure.

As I end this, I want you to know that whatever happens and wherever I end up, I’ll always love you; both as a friend, and as something much, much more.  Remember that.  What’s more painful than losing you right now as a friend is that I’ll be missing you so very much.  So I guess this is it, then.  Take care, drive safely always.  And whenever I end the day, I’ll always utter those very words, ‘goodnight, beautiful.’

I love you.  #younowknowwhoyouare

Faithfully yours,

Me.”