Category Archives: Life

a matter of valentine’s

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It doesn’t matter that you don’t feel the same way. It doesn’t matter when you will go back on your spoken word again, because I know eventually you will. It doesn’t matter that you’ll only remember me when you need something; and then kick me to the curb once you get what you wanted and repeat the cycle again and again. It doesn’t matter that you don’t tell me the truth, because I can always see it in your eyes and with how you act when you talk to me. It doesn’t matter that you don’t go out of your way to make me feel special in some small way, or take selfies with me, or tag me in your Facebook posts like what you do with your other friends because I’m not someone you can be proud of. It doesn’t matter that we only do the things you want to do and not what I want to do because what makes me happy is not a concern to you. It doesn’t matter that you disregarded what I sent you today in favor of what others gave you–which probably is the same thing, or something similar. It doesn’t matter that the only reason why you continue to be “friends” with me is that you know deep down that there is no one else who would readily come to your aid, and give whatever it takes to make sure you’re okay and that you get what you want; that I am your proverbial “insurance policy.” And it doesn’t matter if you could care less about everything I feel for you or what I say here. You can do all of those to me combined everyday and twice on Sundays, but it just won’t matter.

What does matter is what I deeply feel for you in spite of and despite all of these. What matters is the commitment I have to my word and my promise to love you and take care of you however and in whatever way I can. What matters is that I put you and your happiness first above everything else because seeing you happy makes me feel good. What matters is how badly I miss you every time I don’t get to see you, and how I always want to be with you. What matters is how desperately I want to hold you in my arms, how I long to kiss your sweet lips, make love to you every night, and happily wake up next to you every morning. What matters is how my heart beats for you and only you until the day it stops. And maybe, just maybe, when that day comes that I draw my last breath, only then will you realize the kind of person I am to you. Only then will you probably recognize that everything I did for you mattered the most. Maybe only then will you come to terms that the love I gave you was the one you needed. But until then, you will live your life as how you want it; not a care in the entire world of the importance of my presence in your life. And I will live my life the way I want to: loving you every single damn day.

One other thing is for sure: that day when my eyes will finally never open, when my health ultimately fails me, and when my strength completely leaves me, is coming. Sooner rather than later. It’s just a matter of time.

shorty

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There are days when everything goes well.  There are days when Murphy’s Law is in effect.  There are days when it seems like a bipolar of emotions just runs through you.  There are days when you seem and feel untouchable.  There are days that just go by steadily.  There are days when you’re just not in the mood for anything.  There are days that no matter how everything falls apart, you rub it off and tread on.

And then there are days like this one.

For sure it’s not a combination of any of the above-mentioned stuff; but rather this deep, overwhelming, mind-numbing, deafening feeling of…  nothing.  A vast void of in-echoing emptiness.  You literally feel it inside; or rather, don’t.  It’s weird.  It’s like being blind, deaf, strapped in a straitjacket, yet able to scream your lungs out; but no one takes notice.  It’s like standing on the edge of something you can’t see, or falling, floating and being still all at the same time; or something heavy is being pressed on your chest and doesn’t seem to stop.

And yet once you somehow manage to get a grip on it, you’ll realize that you’d want to get away and disappear from everyone for a while (or maybe longer…  probably even not come back anymore); and again, no one would ever notice.

Come to think of it, that’s not such a bad idea after all.  Maybe only then would I find the same feeling of peace I felt during the times I was with the last person whose smile made me definitely and finally stop what I was searching for.

Or maybe I’m just in the middle of a bad dream.  But how can it be a dream when I wake up and things are the exactly same?

Your guess is as good as mine.

midweek surprise

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A few hours ago, I found this clipped on the car’s windshield as I went down the basement parking to get something I forgot.  It was addressed using only my nickname.  Just before I end my long work day today, I am posting this here for everyone to see.

“Mark,

There will always be that one person who, no matter what happens between you two, will constantly be your source of strength, solace, inspiration, delight, warmth, and affection.  That person will mean the world to you in more ways than one despite going through whatever difficulties and challenges with or against each other because you know full well that it is, was, or will be worth it.  You will do anything and risk losing everything for this person.  Meeting other people is a certainty, but they will never, ever measure up to that person in terms of how everything just falls into place and how inexplicably happy you are whenever you are together.  You see beauty in a flawed being; you’re willing to say ‘the hell with it’ when everyone else says, ‘get up and leave.;’ you would do things you never thought you could just for this person; and there is always something to remind you about this person in the simplest of things.  Is this a soul mate?  Probably.  Can it be one-sided?  More often than not.  It will not actually matter to you if that person would feel the same way you do; what does though, is what you’re willing to give.  They say love is ‘putting the happiness of the other person above yours.’  It couldn’t be any more truer.

I may not truly believe in soul mates; but what I do know deep down, is that once you meet that person, your life will never be the same again.  Everything changes.  Your future is now planned on either spending the rest of your lives together or just being alone because like I said, that person is absolutely irreplaceable.  You will see things very differently and for the first time in your life, you will realize where your life is headed and how clear it is.  If you don’t feel all of these with the person you are with right now, then chances are you haven’t found that person yet.  You don’t force this on someone and vice versa, it just comes naturally; sometimes you don’t even have to do anything.  It’s with the right person, the right circumstances, the right timing.  Most people go through life in constant search of that one person.  Some get lost, some end up with someone who think it’s good enough, but there is still that void that needs to be filled.  The lucky ones though, will tell you that it wasn’t easy.  Like all things, it needs work.  Lots and lots of it.  Finding that person who brings you that completeness feeling is one thing.  Doing your part in making sure it stays there is completely different.  But again, whether you end up together or not, that person’s impact on you will be seared into your heart until the day you die.

Looking at you and hearing everything you’ve been through, I certainly know you have found that person.  I don’t feel sorry for you for what happened; on the contrary, I can never be more proud of you.  You did what you’re supposed to do and much, much more.  It doesn’t matter what your friends say or feel about that person, what matters is what YOU feel inside.  Your friends don’t run your life, nor do they have your brain, much more your heart.  I’m sure they mean well, but if they really do, they would have stuck and supported you with what and how you feel no matter what.  I’m also not saying in any way that that person you love or how you were treated was right, or that you deserve all that pain and hurt, but what matters is how you never faltered when everything was going against you.  You kept the faith.  Most people would’ve done the practical thing and just left.  But you stayed true, gave it your all, and more.  I never saw anyone with as much love in a person’s heart as much as yours.  Things may have ended between you two, but I’ll say this:  ‘never let go.’   Never be swayed by practicality or the need to be in a relationship with someone different because other people tell you that you should be, but have that flame burn in your heart continuously for that person.  The world needs more people like you.  Like us.  We are a dying breed in a cynical world where romanticism, chivalry, and love–the kind of love that most say happen only in movies and not in real life–is taken for granted.  Live your life how you see fit, but never let go.  The moment you do, that’s when everything you did for that person is wasted, and done in vain.  Stay true to that feeling.  Again, it doesn’t matter whether you end up together or not, but how you keep that kind of love inside you for no one other than that person.  Thank you for showing the world what real love is.  Be proud of what you did.

Never let go.”

There was no indication who was it from.  But whoever you are, thank you.  It’s a nice feeling that someone out there knows–and agrees–with what I feel.  I will take your kind words to heart.  Thank you.

loss

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It wasn’t how I imagined starting off my 39th year…  or ending this month for that matter.

In just a span of seven days, I have gone to two wakes:  one, for the father of a good friend; the other, for the six-month old son of a good former colleague.  With their ages on the opposite sides of the spectrum, so too were the nature of their deaths.

The father, though advanced in years, was very healthy on the day he died.  As told to me by my friend, he even went to the market in the morning and did some other activities.  That night, after getting something to drink and upon sitting down on the bed to get some sleep, he just choked and died (if I remember the story correctly).  My friend was supposed to come home from Australia earlier during the month for a vacation, but since she was sick with the flu during that time, the father himself told her not to come home yet due to quarantine issues for travelers who are sick (and she even works in a hospital that accepts patients with Ebola symptoms).  I could just imagine the irony of it all.  The family refused to have the body autopsied since it would never really tell them anything; aside from the fact that, well, it won’t bring him back.

The baby boy on the other hand, had Type One Spinal Muscular Atrophy (SMA).  It was already diagnosed while he was still inside the womb, has no cure, and the life expectancy of the infant is between six months to two years.  It turns out that both parents unknowingly have that gene that passes SMA to their baby.  What’s more heartbreaking is that this is their second child who passed away with the same disease; their first born having died after seven months of him having it.  So in a way, both parents have somehow “prepared” for the inevitable.  The father (my former colleague) even had the notion of preparing a PowerPoint presentation of all the pictures taken of their baby during the short time he lived on this earth while he was confined in the hospital during the final days.  It was shown to me while I was there, and I just marveled at the baby’s smile despite not fully aware of what’s going to happen to him, as well as the parents’ strength to go through the same ordeal twice; only this time, they were more knowledgeable about the disease and did everything they could to make their son’s very short journey through life a memorable one.

It doesn’t matter if it was sudden or somehow anticipated, nothing really prepares you and nothing comes close to the pain of losing someone dear.  Whether it be a family member, a friend, or a loved one, the reality of not being with them anymore hits us so hard and cuts us so deep that it paralyzes us; and makes us question everything without really knowing anything.  I lost someone too this week.  Though not in the same manner as the two people I mentioned, but the feeling is exactly the same.  It is both as sudden as it is somehow anticipated; I did everything I can, yet it was also beyond my control.  I guess with these two wakes I went to, it’s like fate trying to soften the blow in dealing with my own loss.  But what it also did was made me lose one more thing:  my personal faith.  Up until last week, despite my struggles, I tried to keep that faith going.  That somehow despite fully knowing that what I am doing is sincere, selfless, and nothing short of pure, at the end of the day, goodness will always prevail over adversity.  But it didn’t.  At least for me.  It just showed how I am truly destined to be part of the unlucky ones.

So now, I also mourn.  Not just for what was lost, but also the loss of what might have been.  The loss of something so real that I risked everything for it.  The loss of happiness that I truly want.  The loss of believing.  .There may not be a wake or an elaborate final send off; just trying to keep a straight face amidst the tears and trying to act like nothing happened by covering it with a smile (if I can).  But the pain is there.  Pain so real it’s crippling inside.  And it may be there for a long time, or will probably never go away.

Toll the bell.

short-changed

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He really hoped and wanted to spend this day–of all days–just being with her.  But during the days prior, either she didn’t have an idea what today was or what it meant to him, or she was too ashamed or too embarrassed to do so, or she simply just didn’t care.  Add to the fact that she kept telling him how excited she was going to the beach today after having made plans with her friends, it made him realize that there was no way that what he wanted to happen will indeed happen.  He thought of asking her outright, but he didn’t want to come off as imposing; even though he had every right to do so.  So instead, he tried to drop hints, somehow often asking if her beach trip will push through; and more importantly, when.  She kept nonchalantly saying that it will push through and it will be today.  So he just kept his mouth shut about what was on his mind and prepared for the worst.

Additionally, what happened just two days ago didn’t help to probably even consider changing her mind.  Yes, she tried to make light or fun of that situation, but honestly, he didn’t find it funny.  She repeatedly laughed while saying that she didn’t see him.  He wondered what was funny about him almost flagging her down while nearly in front of her car as she approached him, without any other person within his immediate area, and then “not seeing him,” then almost getting sideswiped as she suddenly accelerated.  And yet he even tried to run after her car but he decided to just stop.  It was weird because that was the usual spot where they would meet or she’ll pick him up before heading to her parking spot, and she not seeing him with the stature that he has, was quite impossible.  Yet when he tried his best to just decide to dismiss what happened and asked her to have dinner, suddenly her mood changed and she was the one who became irritated and just told him to go home and quickly brushed him aside.  Now the tables were turned.  He was already okay and she was the one demanding him to stay away from her.  Was she the only one who has the right to be frustrated at him while he can’t feel that way towards her when it cannot be helped?  After all that they have been through, how was that having a fair friendship which now spanned more than a year, he wondered?

And yet, he’s unable to do anything.  Because deep down inside, he made a decision.  And when he makes a decision that puts his personal feelings and his future on the line, he sees it through the very end, no matter when that time comes.  Whether she’s too blind to see it, or really doesn’t know that what’s good for her is literally standing in front of her eyes each and every time they are together, it doesn’t matter to him anymore.  What truly matters is the undying love he has for her, and wanting her to always be happy.  So much so that on his surprise welcome birthday party the night before, he tearfully made a wish for her to find the happiness she deserves and looking for whatever and however possible as he blew the candles on his cake with his close friends surrounding him who were teary-eyed as well.  For him, this day wasn’t about him or turning another year older; it was about the people around him who he considered the most important in his life:  his family, his friends, and her.

So today came and went; and the only thing he received from her was a social network greeting.  No SMS, no phone call.  He would just have to make do with that.