Category Archives: Life

Forward

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There comes a time when despite all of your efforts, your sacrifices, your compromises, grabbing every opportunity and taking every chance you can get; all of your blood, sweat, and tears working and making something you so badly want to happen will not go into fruition. Even if the universe tried to conspire on your behalf, or you have the noblest of intentions, fate dictates otherwise.

But probably what “puts the cherry on top,” is later knowing that the other person never even actually tried or gave what could’ve been something meaningful a chance to blossom. Something that you were told after what would be the perfect chance given to both of you to finally be together. Yet you pressed on, believing that in the end, love will conquer all. But all you got back is emptiness.

Once that realization sets in, tell me, how can you go on? How can you muster the strength to pick up the pieces–again–and start over? The simple answer is: you don’t. You have laid everything on the line, pushed yourself to past the limits you didn’t even know you can, and risked everything in which the repercussions of those actions can and will be felt long after it’s over. You don’t move on. You. Just. Move. Forward.

Carry your battle scars as if they were medals. Wear your beaten-to-a-pulp pride as if they were stripes of rank. Be proud of your shredded heart as if it was a golden trophy. And hold your weary head high because you know you did anything and everything possible for victory… not for you, but for the one person you damn well know will make your own life worth living.

Move forward. Alone. For the best days of your life clearly are now behind you. You have fulfilled what you said you’ll do; you honored your part of the bargain. Bury what’s left of what you feel in your heart. Pick up your feet and put one on front of the other, and keep repeating. Let the whole world see you for the mangled and mortally wounded person you are. So that they will know that with what you’ve been through, you will never, ever go through this with anyone else ever again. Walk until you fall to your knees and the last ounce of your strength finally leaves you. The fight… the war you waged for this thing called true love, is finally, finally over.

For you

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Let me start by saying this:

I love you.

I know that it’s not a surprise to you.  You have known for a long time about the feelings I have for you.  Yet you only stood by and watched how I showed that to you time and again without doing anything.  It meant sacrifices of all kinds just to make sure you’re taken care of and happy.  It meant putting up with you, your personality, your mannerisms and whims just to see that smile of yours.  It meant understanding how you think, act, and adjusting to your imperfections so you can have your way.  I showed you not just my best, but my worst as well.  I wanted you to see who I am entirely; not just the smooth parts.  And I saw your dark sides as well.  But despite that, my feelings never wavered.  In spite of the frustrations I had with you, I came to accept those and wanted you even more.  We all have quirks and flaws.  You have yours and I have mine.  But the things we accomplished together was the fuel that fired the unquenchable hope I have of what we could be–what we could have been.  Together.

We had our own relationships with different people; but somehow, I believed fate–and probably the universe conspiring–brought us back in sight of each other to give us that elusive chance of making magic.  I was enormously happy with the relationship I had that time and was, for my part, hell bent on making it last, and you were too with your own; but it somehow seemed that a greater power wanted us to be thrown back into the mix.  When we started regularly going out again, I was ready to pick up where we (or I) seemingly left off as far as how I am to you.  I gamely re-took the task head on to prove myself again to you despite what otherwise my friends were telling me because of our one-sided history.  I sincerely believed we were given another opportunity, and I for my part, was not willing to pass that by despite my own reservations.  But what drove me more was you telling me that we can have a do over and start again.  And so I did.  I made you see who I am entirely because “only the best foot forward” is not the way to go. I showed you the man who is willing to do anything and everything to take care of you; the man who became paranoid at the slightest thought of dishonesty from you since you yourself said to me once that you don’t like being lied to; the man who misses you the moment we part ways, anxiously waiting for the next time when we’ll see each other again; the man who gets disappointed when plans are canceled at the last minute; the man who thinks of you from the moment I wake up and having you in my thoughts before I fall asleep; the man who gets jealous when you go out with other guys, even though I don’t have the right to; and the man who tells you how terribly I miss you, how deeply I love you, and how I want to spend my entire life moving forward to waking up next to you each and every morning until the day I die.

But for you, all of that still wasn’t enough.  Despite the chances we have been given, the wonderful and memorable things we experienced and did together, you still went another route.  I gave and gave and gave everything. There was nothing more I could have possibly done. I accepted you, your past, and your imperfections.  You kept things from me.  I believe you have deep dark secrets that you don’t allow anyone to know about.  Even when it hurt my heart so bad, I stood there loving you through it all.  You continued to push me away from your heart while you seemingly had your way with me; and in the process, you got what you emotionally wanted from someone else and decided to just spring the surprise on me, expecting to be all supportive about it.  Now here I am, seemingly left with another black-hole sized abyss with an infinite amount of weight crushing down inside of me wondering this whole time what the hell did I do wrong now.  Yes, I am frustrated.  Yes, I am angry.  Mainly because of the fact that you never gave us a chance despite what you agreed to before if our own relationships with our respective ex’s did not work out.  And yet you were able to give that same chance to someone who also seemingly made you the same promises I did years and years ago.  You never exerted an effort to get to know me deeper amidst the frustrations and disappointments we’ve had. You never tried to build on all the good things we have done together and how potentially bright the future would be for us. You settled for whatever you can take from me while never realizing my worth and value to you after I gave you everything. Everything.  Yes, I am tearfully distraught.  I believe I have every right to be.  I am human too, after all.  And there will always be a lingering thought in me that I can do better in making you happy than who you chose to be with.

But let me continue by saying this:

I still love you.

Like I said, nothing changes in how I feel for you.  And it won’t.  Not ever. Why?  Because you are my greatest love.  The greatest love I never had.  The greatest love only my imagination can ever have.  No other woman can ever set the bar higher than you.  No one else can ever make me feel like the way I have for you.  You are my Kryptonite as well as my oxygen.  You are my reason to get up each morning, and my anxiety in coming up with ways to make you happy.  Almost every little thing reminds me of you, and what we have done together.  I could never see myself doing everything I did for you for someone else anymore.  Because for me, I know that you are the one.

You are the woman who is the last piece of the puzzle in making my life complete.  You are the essence of celebrating special occasions with, and milestones and achievements with.  You are worth going through painful and trying moments with that would make us grow.  You are worth living life for, and spending time with as we age.  You are worth every exciting opportunity we can still have, and the comfort in consoling every defeat we encounter. You are worth the wife to me, and the mother of our would-be children and grandchildren.  You are the ray of sunshine that warms my mornings, and the rain that gives chills on certain days.  Every cell and molecule in my body screams and yearns for you and you alone.  You have never been more humanly beautiful to me inside and out; and I will never, ever fall out of love with you.  Even through the sleepless nights and the times I felt so alone, I would have loved you all my life.  And while I am not thrilled to see you come to terms with him, it’s your happiness that counts.  Always have, always will.  And you are worth the immense pain I am going through right now.  I couldn’t have imagined going through everything we’ve done together with someone else.  I couldn’t have thought of any other woman who’s worthy of what I have given and sacrificed for.  I couldn’t imagine treating someone else as a princess and hopeful eventual queen other than you.  You are my world, my galaxy, my universe, and my life. You are my wildest imagination, my ultimate fantasy, my intangible reality, my glittering diamond, my lively tune, and my somber ode. You are my Monday adrenalin, my Sunday rest, my soothing breeze, and my warm blanket at night. You are my forever hope for a chance at a happily married life, my only kept promise of an eternal love, my calming peace, and my resolute and absolute happiness.

And as insanely stupid as it sounds, if there is someone who is worthy of shattering my already broken and mangled heart into a million more pieces, that would be you.

So with that, let me end by saying this:

I love you.  And I always will; no matter what happens.

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December 31, 2016 – 7:39PM Manila Standard Time

In just under four and a half hours, 2016 will be over.

Extremes.

In looking back at the events these past 12 months, that’s probably the only word (safest at best) that I can use to describe what this year was to me.  In any case, it left me exhausted–physically, mentally, financially, emotionally, and spiritually.  Though I look forward to a fresh start in 2017, the remnants and effects of what happened this year will linger.  How long will it last, I suppose only time will tell.

2016 left a deep, invisible scar in me; and I am a different person because of it.  I’m still in the process of recovery, but to be honest, I don’t know if I can fully recuperate.  At least I am trying.  For now, I suppose that is enough.

With all that’s happened, all I can do is move forward.  One day at a time.  So with real conviction, I can say that I am still thankful for this year… however, good riddance as well.  I’ll leave it up to you to think which ones I’m thankful for; and those I wish to leave behind.

Happy New Year, everyone.

Final Sunday night thoughts

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It’s been a long time since I last wrote something here.  Before social media exploded in the last decade, this blog was my avenue for everything I wanted to say what I felt inside.  Be it personal experiences, ideas, opinions, or just shouting my frustration and emotions to the world, this was the most personal of my personal spaces.  Call it a shout to the void, a drop in the ocean, or a micro-blip on the radar, I felt comfortable knowing that everything I say here will forever be a part of history where only a tiny fraction of an audience among billions around the world will be able to pick up.

And yet, after posting this, I don’t know when my presence will be felt here again.  A lot of things happened during the last couple of months.  I became the happiest, most successful version of myself I have ever been in my life; and also became the lowest, most downtrodden shell of a person I have been.

During the early part of the year, my career was as its highest, and I was able to finally have a girlfriend.  Everything was going my way, and I couldn’t have asked for anything more.

Yet, in a span of five months, I lost everything.  And more.

Without going into too much specifics, first, I lost my job because the company I worked for decided to close down.  It wasn’t the closing itself, but how it happened.  I tried whatever I can to minimize the impact it had on the rest of us, but the decisions I made when things were winding down were probably wrong, to put it bluntly.  Secondly, while I was going through that tumultuous point in my career, my girlfriend left me (after initially asking for space).  She knew what was going on with my career, and she felt that how I handled life-changing situations–among other things–such as what happened at work is not how I should’ve done it; hence, she doesn’t feel safe and broke up with me…  via Messenger.  And third, the closing of the company hit me hard financially because we were not given any severance pay; so my savings also took a hit.  I had “friends” who borrowed money from me the last couple of months and years.  I had to ask them to pay me back since I needed the money for my expenses and payments.  Some with meager amounts owed me did pay up.  Others, just ignored and left me high and dry.

For me, it was a compounded version of Murphy’s Law.  For about eight weeks, I struggled with the backlash of what happened with work, while at the same time trying to save a relationship and figuring out how to make ends meet.  I averaged only two to three hours of sleep which affected my health.  Some of my real friends who saw me were surprised at the amount of weight I lost.  Suicidal tendencies were not uncommon in my thoughts, wherein I was wishing that I wouldn’t wake up anymore or I would get into an accident, or someone who threatened to kill me will actually do it; just to “end it all.”  But, I’m still able to write this, so I am still alive.

What hurt me the most are the people who said that they care, or even love me, but just decided to not want to be a part of what I was going through.  Yes, I made mistakes; but I never blamed anyone except myself.  I may have fucked up in the worst possible way, and maybe I am reaping the fruits from it.  But I never, ever pointed a finger on anyone for the cause of whatever demise that came my way.

On the other hand, the age-old adage has been proven true:  “hard times reveal true friends.”  There were a count-by-one-hand number of people who still put friendship above everything else.  Of course, a tongue-lashing of what I should’ve or shouldn’t have done, or making me see the mistakes I’ve done are a given; but despite all of that, they still showed and gave support and encouragement in what I was going through.  Whether it be by simply asking how I am, or telling me to hang in there, or inviting me over for coffee just to talk about something entirely different to make me forget things temporarily, or offering whatever kind of help I need, those people became for me the embodiment of true friendship.

By them doing that, it made me also realize that there is some truth to another saying that goes, “treat others how you want to be treated.”  Some, because I almost always never get treated the way I treat others, especially those who I really care about.  As a friend, I’m someone who doesn’t interfere with my friends’ decisions or choices.  Like I’ve always said time and again to friends who are at a crossroads, “I can always tell you what you want to hear, or what you need to hear; in the end, the decision is yours to make and yours alone.  But whatever that decision is, right or wrong, I will support you as a friend.”  It’s rather unfortunate that these days, practicality takes precedence–even over friendship.  Or in some cases, believing what others say instead of what the friend says.

Yet in spite of some friends and loved ones leaving me, I try to understand them.  It’s painful, but as just mentioned, it’s their decision to make.  All I can do in the end is show them respect and make the effort to understand even though in doesn’t make sense trying to do so.  In the case of my ex leaving me, I’ll just put the blame on myself.  She did what she had to do which is look out what’s best for herself and for her kid.  The manner and timing may have not been ideal, but using her own words, “it is what it is.”  Despite trying hard to make her understand that what happened at work would definitely make me learn something aside from trying to improve in other aspects, she felt otherwise.  That being said, let me take this space and opportunity to apologize for me not being enough for you; for making the wrong decisions, and for letting you down.  I am terribly sorry.  Yet nothing changes in how I feel for you.  I understand what you did–or at least I am still trying to.

One thing that will probably never change in me though, is how I am.  I trust or put value in what others tell me–sometimes to a fault–especially in terms of agreements.  I don’t believe in the principle of “things can always change,” despite it being true, especially in this day and age.  I was raised to keep my word; so unless it’s a matter of life or death, when something is agreed upon, I will do anything and everything to uphold my end.  I almost always see the good in the people I meet; I never see the negative things outright even though we are always reminded to always be on guard.  Again, it goes back to treating others the way we want to be treated.  Another thing about me is that whenever I make a decision, especially personal ones, I stick to it no matter what.  If it kills me, so be it.  I sometimes take a long time in making those, but once I set my mind and heart to it, changing my mind will be an impossibility.  I know what I deserve, but I don’t have a sense of entitlement to be accorded that.  I’d rather go for what I want and love because we don’t always get what we know we deserve.  And even if what makes me happy makes me sad, then so be it.  I’d still go for it.

Slowly and painfully, I am getting back up.  I start a new chapter tomorrow.  It’s a long, long road back, and the backlash of everything that has happened isn’t over yet; but having a starting point is exactly just that:  a start.  With this new beginning, I have made some personal decisions.  One of them is logging off from all forms of social media.  I have stopped using Twitter for a couple of years now.  As for Facebook, well, since everything that has happened, I have been silent.  I already uninstalled the app from both my phones a couple of weeks ago and I haven’t checked on anything there, even from my laptop.  For me, nothing is worth posting or sharing anymore.  I’ve felt the happiest and most complete I’ve ever been in my life; and posting something that doesn’t come from the exact same feeling just doesn’t make sense.  And I’m not looking to replicate that happiness with anyone else.  Again, for me it doesn’t make sense anymore.  Why try to look for someone else when you’ve already found your happiness?  Moving forward, all I can do is what I do best:  survive.  Whether I become successful or not in my journey out of the absolute lowest point in my life, it doesn’t matter.  What’s important is I undertook the journey.

Let me end with two things.  First, no amount of preparation, foresight, planning, negotiations, contingency measures, or how you think you live your life, or have it all figured out will make your life–or anyone else’s–full-proof.  Life will find a way to absolutely fuck you up in ways you couldn’t imagine, things will go south on you, and everything may be swept from under your feet before you even know what happened or hit your head on the ground.  That’s how it is.  You’ll just have to deal with it as it happens.  You learn.  You get back up.  Whether you fully make it back up or not is irrelevant.  You tried.  And absolutely no one can take that away from you.

Secondly, here’s an excerpt from something I read a few weeks ago.  It’s about falling in love.  This describes how I am, or was, since I already made my choice.  At least I tried to make it work.  All I ask from everyone is to respect my decision about it.  Here it goes:

 

“Love is saying I see you, all of you, exactly how you are–the good, the bad, the things you don’t want anybody else to see.  I see what you’re ashamed of, what you wish you could hide.  I see these things, and I still love you.  I still choose you.

And you hope and pray and plead for the other person to do the same.

To take your set of shortcomings and love them in the same way.

To stick around when shit gets unimaginably hard and tough and complicated.

To choose you back.”

 

It’s now back to dinners and movies for one.

I don’t know when will I be back online again.  In any case, I already assigned a legacy contact to handle my Facebook account should something happen to me.

Until then, this is me, signing off.

When words really mean something

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A week ago during a break from work, I happen to chance upon a page containing something that Keanu Reeves allegedly said.  I say “allegedly” because there has been no official confirmation coming from the Hollywood actor’s side about it.  Lots of things have been said about him, but one thing I do notice is that he’s not your typical big-star-actor person.  He doesn’t hog the limelight, lays low most of the time until lo and behold, he has a new movie out.  But I don’t want to talk about him as a person, but more of what he allegedly said.  And based on the content and how it was said, I’m not at all surprised that it may come from him.  But whether or not it actually did come from him, the read itself has been meaningful for me.

From my understanding of that so-called piece (for lack of a better term), he simply describes how the world works in this present generation.  I found myself reading it thrice at least on that day, and at least four more times during the week.  And as I read and re-read it, I slowly realized that he is right.  From what I can comprehend, we as a human race have become too comfortable in and around the advancements in technology and lifestyle that we’ve had over the last few decades.  Being born in the ’70s, I have lived life–probably half of it already–seeing the large gap between how life was when I was growing up and how millennials are being raised; and even how people within my age group have adapted and embraced the present lifestyle while completely ignoring the values they have been taught (if any).  Seeing these things around him, he wanted to step back from everything that’s going on; resigned to the fact that things may only get worse by simply beginning with, “I cannot be part of a world,” and lists everything for him that’s gone wrong.

There are some lines in that piece that really stuck to me.  One is, “ (I cannot be part of a world) where there is no concept of honor and dignity, and one can only rely on those when they say ‘I promise.'”  These days, one cannot count on one’s spoken word until those last two words are added.  We became too forgiving to the notion that in this day and age and a fast-paced lifestyle, things can always change in a heartbeat due to whatever reason; and that we should always be open to the fact that whatever was said can’t be set in stone.  I have always followed through everything I say and commit to other people; whether it be family, friends, colleagues, that I rarely add the words, “I promise.”  Have we become so jaded that we can always take back what we say and can easily apologize and act like nothing happened afterwards?  Yes, things or circumstances can easily change; but how will the person see you if you let those changes affect your commitment and eventually constantly go back on your word?

“(I cannot be part of a world) where the concept of jealousy is considered shameful, and modesty is a disadvantage.”  In this age of social media, people are heavily encouraged to promote themselves out to the world.  While this helps people come out of their shell, the concept of doing it too much comes into play.  And when there are some who prefer to keep a laid back approach, this is now generally viewed toward the negative; that it won’t do anyone good and they will be left behind.  They in turn–while being overwhelmed by those keeping up left and right–would start to become jealous and either would be ashamed of themselves, or would get back at other people for mocking their modesty.  The number of likes on your Facebook or Twitter posts do not determine your value as a person.

“(I cannot be part of a world) where men and women are no longer identifiable; and where all this together is called freedom of choice, but for those who choose a different path-get branded as retarded despots.”  This brings to mind the most recent headline-grabber:  Manny Pacquiao and his views on homosexuality.  Now, I don’t like the guy one bit.  But as far as his views on the above-mentioned are concerned, I don’t totally disagree with him either.  Well, at least with how he said what he said.  But that’s his personal belief.  If the LGBT community are crying and demanding acceptance for who and what they are, should they also accept the fact that not everyone can and will agree with them and their lifestyle?

And the line that got to me the most was, “(I cannot be part of a world) where people forgot about love, but simply looking for the best partner.”  Have we become so “practical” in nature that the one important thing in relationships is set aside just to make whatever two people have between them function?  Women nowadays (coming from me, a guy’s perspective) want a complex insurance policy of some sorts when it comes to committing to a guy that would, one:  have stunningly good looks and good genes and brains that would ensure their offspring would have the same; and two:  have a big fat checkbook, high-paying job, or a trust fund to rely on so as to live life comfortably because they feel that they’ve “earned” (or even deserve) it.  While in some degree, that scenario is nice and ideal, but the concept of settling for sureties instead of really having a real essence of a relationship based on love, trust, honesty, attention, and caring, and both parties working hard to make it successful is really troubling to me.

I don’t know; am I rambling?  Maybe.  Is there concrete validation for such?  Most likely.  Does Mr. Reeves’ words make sense?  Absolutely.  Have we as an evolved species that should look after one another more instead of mostly ourselves, gone the deep end?  Not yet; but we’re heading there.  It is good to see though that people like him would use whatever influence he has to make us–myself, at least–stop, step back for a while, evaluate ourselves to probably see where we have fallen off into and get back on track.  After all, that’s the best characteristic any human has.  We get back up, learn from our mistakes and move forward.  He may say that he “cannot be part of a world” so and so; but maybe that’s his way of saying that we can still turn things around.