Category Archives: Life

Time

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He peered through the window as he turned off the TV. His eyes darted around, watching the flurry of activity outside. It had just stopped raining as the room gradually fell silent. It’s as if the volume was on mute as he saw cars going by, people walking around, and building lights flicker. Clouds now partly covered the full moon as it gave off a weak, yet distinct radiant glow beneath it. He then leaned back, closed his eyes and let out a slow sigh.

The opening of the door broke the silence as his friend came in. He still lay there, motionless as his friend stopped suddenly upon seeing him. The awkward resumption of silence was only interrupted by his sudden burst of laughter, when he could not contain it any longer. “Just shut the door, will ‘ya?,” he added, still laughing. His friend joined in the laughter as he closed the door using a foot, as both hands were holding plastic bags.

“I thought you were–” the friend started to talk as he continued to go inside.

“Nah, I just finished something on Netflix,” was his quick interruption.

“Oh, what’d you watch?” the friend asked.

“Serendipity. Before that, Notting Hill,” was his reply. He then asked, “what in the hell took you so long?”

“In case you haven’t noticed, it was pouring out. I didn’t have an umbrella with me, so I had to wait it out. Do you really want me to get drenched?” the friend laughingly asked as he was thrown a small bag.

He tried to shield himself playfully as the bag came flying to him. “Seriously? Yes,” he replied laughing. “No, no, no, seriously? Absolutely!” More laughter ensued.

“What did you get me?,” he then asked as he tried to settle down. “See for yourself,” the friend said in reply. “Nah, I know it’s all good. Thank you,” he said back, clutching the bag.

His friend pulled up a chair beside him. He looked back at the window and saw that the clouds had parted; and the moon was as bright as ever. As his friend was going through some of the other items in the second bag, he asked, “do you have any regrets?”

“What? What are you talking about?” came the friend’s reply.

“You heard me. Do you have any regrets?”

His friend was a bit flustered coming up with an answer. “Yeah, I guess, maybe a few,” was the stammered answer that came out. And then added, “c’mon, you know me and my story. I’d suppose you know whether or not the things I did or did not are… the kind of ones I would regret.”

He gave a wry smile and nodded as his friend was talking. At that moment, his mind was racing through different things he’d done. Some good, some not. “How about you? Any regrets?,” he was then asked.

“Me? Nah,” was the quick answer. He then continued, “I never fully understood the concept of having regrets. I mean, sure, you can be sorry for some of the things you did or did not do. But to have that feeling of deep down inside, wishing you either did not do this or did that; to the point that it eats you up inside? Whatever the action was, it already happened. You can’t change it, or even go back in time to change it. All you can do is move on, live with it and learn from it. Having regrets is like slapping a teacher in the face for trying to give you a lesson you needed to learn. Or at least that’s how I see it.”

After a brief silence, he slid back, his mind deep in thought. He went on, “I’m not perfect. No one is. I was raised well enough to know good from bad, to trust my instincts, draw from experience, and follow what my heart says. You know that, right?,” he asked as he looked at this friend in the eye.

His friend gave a slow nod. As a witness to most of his life’s exploits, what he went through was stuff movies are made of. His friend would always say, “you can’t write this shit up,” as he told almost every life-experience he had. Especially the trying ones.

“I mean, c’mon, there’s gotta be something that’s… well… there must be at least one thing, at least one, that should I say, come close to being a regret, isn’t there?,” the friend asked.

He gave a heavy sigh as he tried to think. He thought long and hard, went back through some of the most ugly, embarrassing, painful, and even the fucked up experiences he’s had. “No, nothing,” came the reply. “I suppose I’m not built that way,” he added.

“How about not telling her?,” his friend then asked.

“Wait, what? Her? Why would I tell her?,” he asked back.

“Because that’s what you need to do. Or, rather, needed.”

“Look, we’ve been over this several times. Yes, I do need to tell her. But the right thing to do is to not tell her. There’s just too much at stake. Besides, you and I both know that nothing–and I mean absolutely nothing–will ever come out of it. I’m not the type of guy she wants,” he said in frustration.

“How do you even know that? You told me the things she’s looking for in a guy, and you have almost everything, especially the major ones that are the deal-sealers. So what do you mean you’re not the type of guy for her?,” the friend asked back in frustration.

“Look, having what you want in a person is one thing. Being attracted to the person who has what you want is a completely different story. And I’m the completely different story with the ending that comes up short.”

“How can you know for sure if you don’t tell her?”

“And risk turning something that we have into completely nothing with me wondering why? Listen, I’ve been in one too many of these scenarios to know better. And this, this is something that I don’t need to see through. I… I just won’t be able to handle it if I tell her and things go south. No… I’ve bled and cried enough times. Never again,” he ended as a tear ran down his cheek.

Silence fell into the room. His friend leaned back at the chair and looked at him as he tried to make himself more comfortable. Right then, the rain started to fall again. What was awkward silence was suddenly filled with the sound of water drops pelting the window.

“Do you think she knows?,” he then asked, breaking the uneasiness. “Or at least has an idea?”

“It’s kinda hard to tell, to be honest,” his friend replied. “I mean, you’ve always been there for her, you get along well, she trusts you, she’s probably comfortable being around you… I mean… who knows… Maybe?,” added the friend.

“I can settle with ‘maybe,'” he said back. “At least I’ve done right by her, put her interests first, and not really aiming something for myself, you know? I suppose that’s enough.” He added, “if only I had enough time…” and trailed off as he became lost in thought and started to become drowsy.

His friend tried to catch his attention by asking, “hey, what do you think she’s doing right now?”

He slowly looked back at his friend, saying, “her? Really?” The friend nodded in agreement.

“Probably fucking the brains out of some guy,” he answered, laughing sheepishly as exhaustion crept up. “You really can’t keep her out any conversation we have, can you?,” he asked.

“I’m your friend. You know I’ll always mess with you; especially when it comes to her,” replied the friend.

“Remember that,” he said back, his eyes slowly blinking as he tried to stay awake. “And you know what to do,” he added as he straightened his head. “She was something though, right?,” he asked, struggling to finish the question.

“Indeed she was,” replied the friend.

He raised his shoulder a bit and went back down, trying to fix his posture. In a slow, slurred manner, he said, “yep, she was. But maybe not as fascinating as her. Not by a long shot. Maybe.”

He tried to look back at his friend, saying, “could you do me a favor?,” he asked as he exhaled.

“Okay,” the friend replied, wiith head bowed down.

Silence followed as the rain stopped again. Suddenly, the door opened and a woman hurriedly came in, dripping wet from the rain. His friend, teary-eyed, looked up with disappointment at the woman.

“You’re too late. He’s gone.”

The Girl Who Broke Me (a.k.a the greatest love I never got to have) (Part II)

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The last time I wrote about you, I was coming from a place of hurt and anguish. I needed to get that out, believing it was the right thing to do. And in some aspects, it was. I never really expressed that kind of anger before; or maybe I wasn’t really good at it. But yes, writing that piece somehow gave me that sense of closure I longed for. Something that I thought can be obtained by a decent conversation between us. But for some reason, you never wanted any part of it believing it was a non-issue. So I wrote what I wrote despite significant time having passed of us not communicating. A small part of me still thinks it wasn’t necessary, but that doesn’t mean I have regrets. And I honestly thought that would be the very last one… until today.

Early this morning, I unexpectedly found out something about you. I was shocked, to tell you the truth. And during the first minute upon seeing that, it felt heavy and numb inside at the same time. I guess it was just a matter of time, but I never imagined it to happen so soon; especially after the last time we saw each other four months ago where I thought there was a chance for us. But who am I kidding, right? You never changed. You treated me the same all those years ago, and despite the distance I tried hard to keep from you for close to three years, somehow, you managed to find your way and tug at my strings again at the beginning of this year. I was foolish to think that somehow you’ve changed and probably realized what you were missing out. And just after about a month, it was like 2013 to 2016 all over again.

Yet somehow, despite the numbness and shock I first felt when I saw what I saw, I tried to remember how I felt when I saw the same thing happen to you twice before. And I realized that this one didn’t hurt as much back then. Maybe because I had probably finally given up on the thought of us after what happened early this year. That despite in some small way and me hoping against the tiniest hope that you’d come around and see how great we can be together, nothing will ever come out of it.

In exasperation, I surprisingly turned to the man upstairs. I know I haven’t had a good relationship with him over the last couple of years, yet I found myself uttering these words: “it’s all up to you. Please take good care of her. You know how she’s the love of my life and how I felt–how I still feel–about her. I only wish and hope that she gets the happiness that I know I could have given her, if not more. Please, just let her be finally happy… even at my own expense.” With how he probably hates my guts right now, I’m pretty sure that my words were clearly heard and will be acted upon. Instantly.

In what was probably an added insult to injury (or probably a bad joke of fate), this morning’s road trip took me to somewhere the two of us frequented before, upon the unwitting suggestion of a friend. Most of the drive was all too familiar, and had me reminiscing those precious and unforgettable times we took those trips there. Probably it’s fate’s way of performing another closure for me. And I really hope that this time, there’d be no more cracks because I’m just too fucking tired of playing that game. Yes, that same game even though I’m having an eye for someone right now. It just won’t happen because that person will never take a chance on me in spite of, well, everything I’ve done.

So on my sixth shot of whisky (or probably seventh? I lost count while conjuring up the will to write this–good thing I don’t have work tomorrow) and third bottle of beer, I raise a toast to her (and I sincerely mean this, by the way): it doesn’t matter what you did to me, or didn’t because nothing could now change those anyway. To your happiness. May it be the one that warms your heart and soul everyday; may it make you constantly beam that smile and melt him the way it has always melted me whenever I see it; may it make you feel secure and not having an ounce of doubt; and may it radiate upon you always so that you’ll never shed a single tear of sadness. This is the happiness I want for you. May it last.

Have a good week ahead, everyone.

Midyear Feels

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I was talking to a friend a little over a week ago. It’s been a while since we last spoke, and spent probably half the entire time catching up over what has been going on in our own lives since the pandemic started. We’ve both been lucky to survive thus far and doing fairly well in our respective careers; though I’ve always admired the resilience this person has in the midst of what came their way, and I tend to draw inspiration whenever similar things happen to me. And just like me, this person has been single for quite a while, so naturally, the conversation shifted to the matters of the heart.

“You’ve had experience in this area,” the friend started off. Then came the swing: “so what do you do when you fall for someone you know can’t be yours?” I was quite dumbfounded with the question. “Well, I can’t answer that thoroughly unless you provide me some context,” I answered after what seemed to me like a half-minute of silence.

Turns out, my friend has fallen for a colleague. “Is it your boss? Your peer? Or one of your directs?” I prodded. “Does it matter?” The friend replied. “I sure as hell know you’ve experienced falling for each one at separate points in time, right? Right?” came the pressing question. I suddenly got that sinking feeling in my stomach. Friend was right. Over my colorful professional life, I’ve had my fair share of attempting to mix business with pleasure. Keyword: attempt. And at that moment, all of those memories flashed back right in front of my eyes.

“Yes, I did; and I handled all of them in different ways. But, one thing was the same for all three of them: the result. You remember me telling you those, right?” I told the friend with a sigh. “Oh, yeah,” came the reply. “And how did it come about?” I asked. “Not good. Not good at all,” was the answer back.

I felt the tone of sadness that came with that answer and sensed deflation in the sigh that followed afterward. “Look, each person is different. Maybe what happened to me may not happen with you, so you’ll never know,” was my follow up, trying to give some sense of friendly assurance. “So c’mon, tell me everything.”

My friend laid out the whole story and current situation to me for about a little over five minutes with me intently listening. I found some similarities in some of the bits and pieces of the story in each of the experiences I’ve had, so I can definitely relate. Understanding that my friend knows I write on my blog; and knowing I sometimes use conversations as material, out of respect, I promised not to elaborate or tell that story here. But I definitely felt the predicament my friend was going through as the story ended up to where they are now.

“So, what do you think? Or more importantly, what should I do?” The exasperation in my friend’s voice was very telling. I could tell that the feeling for that colleague was deep, but not that deep. Yet. Recalling some of the things I did and didn’t do in the situations I experienced, it was hard to come up with a straight answer. Yet my friend appreciated the honesty and directness I was able to provide, quipping, “as you always do.” Our conversation ended with the promise of getting together over a meal and some drinks once curfew hours start later than when they do currently.

So what did I tell my friend?

We’ve always been told that “love conquers all.” Whether it be in books, songs, TV series, movies, and some real-life stories, the power of love can and will prevail against all odds, professionalism included. But the reality is, not always. No matter how sincere and pure our intentions are, or how you think you’re destined to be together, or how “it just feels right, like a hand to a glove,” not all people ride off happily ever after. In this particular setting, I don’t know what needs to be done. I’ve taken the risk of coming clean, and got my heart broken. I’ve also opted to stay in the sidelines, and got my heart broken too. So you may ask, which then, is the lesser of the two? Definitely loving the person from afar. You do what you can without going overboard. You do the little things that make the person happy, you savor every conversation you have, time seemingly stands still whenever you pass by one another, and there will be times when you have to stop yourself from messaging the person, even if it’s just small talk. You condition yourself and your mind that what you do from a distance is enough. You catch yourself lovingly staring at the person, knowing that’s all you can do because you’ll risk losing everything if you cross the barrier. And you must always ask yourself from a practical standpoint, “is it really worth the risk?” 9 times out of 10, the answer is no. Because sometimes, loving a person is putting respect of the current situation front and center before your own emotions. That’s probably the most selfless thing you can do. And if that doesn’t portray what true love is, then I don’t know what does.

There. No wonder unrequited love is my forte.

Have a good week ahead, everyone.

A Letter to My 20-year Old Self

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Dear 20-year old Mark,

Hey there. You’re a day after entering the final year of your second decade, so happy birthday. It’s me 20-plus years into the future. You may be wondering why I’m writing you. Well, it’s nothing really; I remember that year so well and it being a significant point in life. You’re a few months after your very first break-up and I know it still hurts like hell, but by this time, you’re about to embark on living one of your–or should I say, “our”–dreams we had when “we” were kids: working for McDonald’s. That, in some way will take your mind off the pain. And yes, you’re going to enjoy every second of it.

No, I’m not going to go all Biff Tannen on you and hand you a Gray’s Sports Almanac of life and tell you what to do with it. Far from it. I do know you have lots of questions about how it is in the future. Much has indeed changed, but it’s not quite like how you’re imagining it right now. I look back at all the things I’ve done starting from where you are now, and I can proudly say that I don’t regret anything I did or didn’t do. Would I change some of those things if given the chance? Probably, but not at all likely.

Here’s the thing: your twenties will be a whole new learning experience for you after you finish college next year; and will really prepare you when you hit your thirties which will be a lot tougher. And I want you to see and experience it without any spoilers or expectations. You’ll feel the highest of highs, the lowest of lows, and everything in between. You’ll see and do things you’d never thought you would, and meet lots of people who will help shape, mold, and guide you. Some will have more impact than others, there are those who will hurt you (even break you), yet there will be a select few who will be for keeps.

Believe me, there’s no need to be anxious or afraid. Mom and Dad raised you–both of us–well. And our siblings are the best we can ever have. Having a tight-knit family is an excellent foundation, and more often than not, you’ll lean on those experiences growing up in most of the decisions you’ll be making. No, I’m not going to tell you what my current family situation is. Remember, no spoilers. I guess the main reason for this letter is somehow for me to try and get as close as I want to what you’re currently seeing and feeling right now at that age because that’s the launching point of living a life like no other. Knowing what I know now, it will be really nice to go back and have that feeling of excitement as new chapters in your life begin and end. And without giving away any significant information, all I can tell and advise you is, that from time to time, stop and take stock of what you have. Absorb and appreciate everything that happens to you. Whether you ultimately end up in my current situation or not, it doesn’t matter. As long as you don’t have any regrets.

But, if there’s only one thing that I can really tell you about the both of us that has never, ever waivered in the midst of all the things I experienced and what you’re about to experience, is that you’re a gentleman when it comes to women. A real one. Always have been. Never lose sight of that. Even if you’re hurt, or feel that your insides are ripped apart, tossed and turned, your dignity and sanity have been dragged face first through the asphalt and rolled over twice by a horde of tanks, your feelings are taken advantage of like a limitless ATM machine and incinerated many times over; still, be a gentleman. It’s one of the things you’ll never regret.

That’s it. I don’t want to take up much of your time reading this. And thank you for doing so. If I could only go back and look at you and the enormous potential you have in your eyes, it would be totally worth it. And maybe it would make me feel more validated about everything I experienced up to this point. Like the saying goes, “the world is your oyster.” Live it, enjoy it. Final parting words for you that we constantly say here in the future: stay safe.

Happy 20th.

Connections

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Sometimes, ideas come easily. Other times, you’re trying to shake your brain to come up with something… anything. This unfortunately, is one of the latter ones. Yet as hard as I may try, I still end up typing on the keyboard what naturally–or maybe desperately–comes to mind. One would think that after two straight weekends of finally having new material written, I’d be back in the groove. But I guess, I’m more rusty than I thought.

I did have one topic in mind, but I feel that the timing isn’t appropriate (yet) to pen it down. Maybe in a couple of weeks. To think that after seeing Yasuke on Netflix, WW84 on HBO Go, and continuing my Friends marathon (also on Netflix), my mind would have fresh material to play around with. Still, I can’t quite get the creative gears going (even after having two beers and three shots of whisky–going on a fourth).

So I tried looking back at what happened the past week. It was actually quite a work week, with two early and long days, a bunch of interviews and meetings, and a couple of presentations. Well, not necessarily presentations per se, but I would probably say speaking engagements I had to be part of. In any case, it was a long, drawn out week. But what stood out during that week was a group call I received late Friday shift (early Saturday morning).

My shift was winding down, and it was about an hour after I finished the last of my meetings for the week. I was in the middle of finishing whatever emails I had to send out when my Messenger app rang. I saw that it’s a group call and was quite surprised that they’d call at that hour, but there wasn’t any hesitation on my part as I answered. They opened with the usual inside jokes they used to crack from time to time, and I responded with some of my own; and in no time, it was like we just physically saw each other yesterday.

Before we knew it, we’ve already been talking for more than an hour. We talked about what’s currently going on in our lives, shared stories, asked and answered questions about whatever came to mind, ranted about this damned virus and how we can’t go out like we used to, and one of them even tried to play matchmaker (seriously). But the common thing we did in the midst of all those things, was to laugh. It’s one thing to laugh when you’re watching a classic comedy TV series or even a funny movie; but to have that laughter shared among people you’ve grown to admire and respect, it’s somehow become more meaningful. And with a lot less things to laugh about these days, it was something that we all badly needed.

After the call ended, I was still smiling as I resumed to finish the remaining work tasks I had. Suddenly, instead of feeling absolutely relieved and thankful that the difficult work week was about to end, I somehow felt different. That work week was no longer defined by all the things I had to do and complete, or how my body clock was messed up, or even the number of mugs of coffee and gummi bears I consumed just to keep my sanity. It will forever be known as having that group call that made everything that week worth it.

And it also made me realize the value of checking in with people, whether they are your friends, colleagues, or even family. We constantly get reminders of looking after our own well-being, or taking personal time off, that we sometimes forget the one important thing that this virus and pandemic has taken away aside from health: our personal interactions and physical connections with people. More so, with those who we care about. Granted, there are those who will slowly or suddenly turn cold on you despite your best efforts (some, without any reason at all); but as long as you did your part, you can most likely sleep well at night. Take it from someone who’s no stranger from being left high and dry often (and used to it).

So to the group who made that surprise call, I can’t personally thank you enough. You drastically lifted my spirits up when all I was already thinking about that time was to probably hibernate all weekend. You’re all aces in my book, and I’m really looking forward to seeing–and laughing–with you personally again when it’s safe to do so. I wish you and your families safety and protection from this virus. Until we meet again.

Have a good week and month, everyone.