Category Archives: General

bruised and bloodied

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It’s been a while.

While I hope to be writing again on more uplifting circumstances–especially after a long absence–I’m afraid it’s somehow the opposite.  I guess it’s because for the first time in my life, I might have done something I wish I could take back.

Don’t get me wrong, I have always lived my life without any regrets.  And that I have always believed that having regrets is like slapping the face of a teacher trying to teach you a lesson.

I suppose the old adage holds true:  “there is always a first time for everything.”  Or maybe, all of us are meant to experience this kind of situation in one way or another.  Yet I have always, always had my better judgement prevail in the midst of being faced with such difficult choices.  After all, I have gone halfway through my life experiencing almost everything a professional would encounter.  Add to that, I sought the advice and wisdom of friends and colleagues-turned-friends alike.  All of them telling me to go with the decision I made.  But let me be very clear that for the record, I am NOT in any way putting blame on them.  It was MY decision to make.  MY own.  I blame MYSELF for this.  It’s like what I tell my friends when they ask me for advice:  “I can always tell you what you want to hear, or what you need to hear.  But in the end, it’s going to be you and you alone who makes that decision.”

I honestly feel that I betrayed myself; went against my (un)written rule:  “never settle for anything less than what you truly believe you deserve to receive for yourself.”  Years of blood, sweat, and tears of getting to where I am somehow just thrown away like trash.  If there is an opposite to the term “sellout,” then that befits me rightly.

It may be that easy to say, “then just turn around, you asshole!  Why wallow in your predicament?”  If only it were that easy and complication-free.  I did what I think I had to do.  I surely do not know the reason why I did it, and right now, I’m still searching the very recesses of what’s left of my soul for answers.  I may find it, or I may not.  But now that I’m here, and what’s done is done, I just move forward.  I may not like–borderline, hate–what I did, but I am a professional.  I do what’s asked of me; use my expertise, knowledge and wisdom I have acquired over the years and be better.  I’ll deal with it, like what I have always done in life.

All of that was two weeks ago.  Since then, I’ve been picking up the pieces of my pride, ego, and better judgement that received a major ass-whooping from, who else, myself.  I guess being a Gemini has it’s benefits.  My other side is carrying me through each and every day.  Only time will really tell if I’ll ever forgive myself.

Yet, maybe there’s a deeper reason why I am where I am.  Fate?  Chance?  Part of the life program?  A higher power at work?  Who knows?  All I do know right now is that I made my own shitload of a mess, and I’m the only one who can and will clean it up.

age plus one

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I’m not really a big birthday fan.  At least, when it comes to my own.  It only reminds me of a phrase I heard a long time ago which goes, “when we were young, we wished we were old; and now that we’re old, we’re wishing we are young again.”  Or something like that.  I guess part of my attitudinal paradox is that I am very happy when a friend or family member has a birthday, but I don’t look forward to my own.

But when those greetings start coming in from family and friends alike, it makes me feel a lot better.  Probably because they truly remember, or in these days, see one friend write a greeting on my Facebook wall and follow suit.  Nonetheless, however it’s conveyed, it truly warms my heart.  I actually am still getting greetings via Facebook as I write this.

I guess part of why I don’t look forward to my own birthday is that I cannot do whatever I want despite having all the right to do so (and I do mean whatever I want).  Or maybe because I haven’t received a real birthday gift in almost a decade or more (yes, gift-wrapped with all the trimmings).  Or maybe have that one kick-ass, all-out, swingin’ birthday party; or being thrown a surprise party of that nature for that matter.  Not that I don’t enjoy the simple parties I’ve had at home throughout the years, but one could wish for something different once in a while, right?

But who am I kidding?  Those kind of parties won’t be happening to me.  Not unless I either have super rich friends who could throw that surprise bash, or I win the lottery.  Still, it ain’t a crime to dream, right?  Those two are up there on wishful thinking lane together with me wanting to be a radio DJ.

But nonetheless, a birthday’s a birthday.  And I go back to family and friends who are true to me and sincerely remember when to greet me.  I’m a lessened-expectations kind of guy, so to receive those greetings is truly enough for me to get through that day with a smile on my face and a thankful feeling in my heart.  So to all of you (you know who you are), I say a heartfelt thank you for your birthday greetings.  You have no idea how I appreciate it so much.  May good karma come your way and be blessed a thousand-fold.  You are included in my prayer of thanks as I end the day.  Thank you.  Thank you.

Oh, did I hear asking for my age?  It’s for me to know and you to find out.  Hahaha!

A passion re-launched

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It’s never easy when a hobby is based on creativity.  You can only do so much and will run out of ideas sooner or later.  But if you’re passionate about that hobby, you will find a way to keep it going.  I have been blogging for eight years now.  I may have had stretches of being “quiet,” but never did I consider giving up on blogging completely.  After all, being a Gemini means that you crave communication; and what better way to make myself heard and to express it how I want it than this particular avenue which started out of an idea of wanting to keep my thoughts and ideas organized.  And it turned out to be one of the most significant things I’ve done in my life.

The decision to transfer to a new blog provider was born out of necessity.  I.ph sent me an email in March saying that their closing their free blog services later this month and asked me to register–if I wanted–to keep the blog active for two years at $14.00.  Honestly speaking, I don’t quite get the idea of spending close to a thousand pesos to maintain a blog site with limited customization possibilities, not to mention technical support capabilities for two years.  So I passed on their offer and started the painstaking task of archiving all of my blog entries since 2004.  But I still had to choose where to have my new home.  After creating accounts in LiveJournal, Blogger, and WordPress, and navigating through their individual dashboards, I settled here.  Yet, in fairness to I.ph, they did send me instructions on how to transfer all my entries (including comments) to WordPress.  This happened while I was already halfway in manually copying and pasting all of my entries (I was about a week in).  At least they saved me more time and helped move up re-launching my blog.

I suppose this was also what I needed to revive my passion for blogging.  Doing a manual copy and paste of entries made me read most of them and made me realize why I started blogging in the first place.  In person, I may not speak much, but when I write, ideas seem to flow like water on a river going downstream.  Yes, I may have had attempts to get myself writing again before, but I guess maybe a transfer of homes is just what the doctor ordered.  I thought of re-launching this yesterday, but I felt it’ll be better to have it today, the start of my birth month.

So, welcome to my new home.  Hopefully this will be the final transfer I’ll be making.  I suppose with WordPress, it should be.  I hope that my regular readers (thank you for your continued support) would continue to visit, as well as entice new readers to take a stab my entries in hopes of making them regular followers.  Make yourselves at home, and like I always say, feel free to comment on what I write.  Don’t be shy.

Scorching hot outside, ain’t it?

turning a number up a notch

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a day and 30 years ago, i came into this world. being the first of three children, i had a lot going for me. i was to be the patriarch of carrying on the family legacy into the 21st century. yet here i am, 30 years and a day since that fateful monday morning, still with an uncertain future, and with a lovelife that echoes like a graveyard on christmas day. i could just imagine fate laughing his socks off as i stumble through life, like a blindfolded dumbass kid trying to pin the freaking tail on the stupid donkey.

strangely though, i still find this kinda amusing. amusing to the point that those low points i have experienced are the ones cheering me up because those were the times i was real. that i was true to myself. those times that i shed tears for someone, that i sacrificed my whole heart and soul for women who i thought were the one; for continuing to hold on despite the clear sign of rejection flashed at my face like headlights speeding through a stunned deer at a highway on midnight; for turning the other cheek, having a deaf ear and a blind eye to times of being taken advantaged of because of my “understanding” and left for nothing like used oil on a garage. yeah, those were the days. yet i’d rather go back to those times than to celebrate something that is or was made something out of the heck of trying to cheer myself up or covering up what i really feel inside. as i always said to myself and to friends who continue to complain about being hurt or things just don’t go their way–it’s all about acceptance. that and lowered expectations. that’s the way life is, and that’s the way life will go. you just have to live with it, breathe with it, roll with it, f**k with it, and die with it because all your whining and complaining ain’t gonna change anything. life isn’t fair, as they say. but whoever said that it is?

i’m 30. i hate to admit it, but i am. i feel lonely. i feel desparate. i feel used. and yet, with the way things are going, everything’s just hunky-dory and going the way they’re supposed to be.

i’m getting old…

midweek twitch

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he was already half-awake when the familiar sound of the alarm on his mobile phone broke the silence of the cool and calm mid-september night. it was 4:00 in the morning and it was time to get up. as he reached over to shut the alarm, he noticed that there were three messages he had received. “TL, i’m in the hospital now and i can’t come to work. i experienced stomach pains and i’m under observation for gall stones,” one message from his agent read. “sorry, but i cannot come to work because i have fever and cough,” read the other two. breathing a heavy sigh, he thought to himself, “here we go again,” and proceeded to take a shower. the cold water was all he needed to get his senses going as he thought of the things he’ll be doing for the day. 20 minutes was all he needed to get ready for the workday. his car being banned on the road that day, his sister drove him to the gas station to get a cab. she didn’t have to do that, but being concerned that his brother might not get a cab near their place thus making him late for work, plus having asked him many times to bring her to school on his day off prompted her to return the favor.

“where to, sir?” the cab driver asked him as he closed the door of the vehicle. he gave the destination and fastened his seatbelt. the trip was uneventful, as most taxi rides are, as he continued to psyche himself up. it is already a wednesday, but for him, it’s just the second day of the work week. like taking notes on a PDA, he quickly ran down the activities needed for the day on his mind. read e-mails, update the program-wide project assigned to him, check his team’s stats from yesterday’s shift, monitor his agents side-by-side, coach them after listening, remind his agents to answer the weekly client quiz, check their timecards, do more monitoring and coaching, have a team meeting if possible, and do the end of day reports. it seems like a solid day on paper, but he all knows too well that the tasks won’t be accomplished in that order, if not all of them may be accomplished at all. after all, managing 20 egos in one team is already a handful. entertaining questions from agents from other teams, taking supervisory calls and projects being assigned to him by his OM (and by other OMs) further complicate things. but he takes it all in stride and just continue what he’s being paid to do–his job.

he arrived at the office 10 minutes before 5AM. “good morning sir,” the security guard greeted him. “morning,” he sheepishly replied back as he swiped his access card and entered the operations area. like firmly placing a mask to cover what he really feels about coming to work that day, he put on his workface grin as the sound of agents talking to customers on the phone at the same time filled his ears. “another work day,” he whisphered to himself. he walked over to his workstation amidst greetings from his colleagues and stopping once in a while to ask how their day was and/or cracking a joke or two. after logging in and reading his emails from earlier in the night, he proceeded to check on his agents. he chatted with each one of them for a few minutes, sometimes longer as the volume of calls was strangely less than yesterday. as he headed back to his station, his OM asked him the status of the project he was asked to work on. like a lieutenant giving a report to the general about what’s been happening in the battlefield, he calmly and straight-forwardly explained the details on what he was working on. “ok, very good. keep working on it, alright?” was the OM’s short reply as he headed straight towards the main lobby, his shift ending at that hour. he can now smile a bit, as all the other OMs are already ending their respective shifts, with no manager on the floor during the daytime. that is one perk he can live with, which can probably take the place of not having a night differential on his salary. no bosses around means he can move on his own pace without being interrupted by a voice asking, “hey, can you do this for me?”

the day went quite slow, he noticed. even after having done what he’s supposed to do on the list he made in his mind earlier, including taking his lunch hour, it was still three hours away until the end of his shift. he decides to go to his agents, no clipboard or headset in hand, and just sat in their midst entertaining questions about work and everything else there is about himself his agents want to know. this proved to be useful, as he laughed, shared stories, answered questions, and joked around with his team as time passed by without him realizing that it was the end of his shift. though it was, he still stays beyond to do the end of day reports. one by one, his agents left, some of them passing by his workstation saying a quick goodbye and thanking him for the coaching sessions. having ended his day, he took no rush in finishing the reports needed and even surfed a few websites before finally logging off his station and calling it a day.

as he stepped out of the main door with his eyes lighting up a bit, he quickly put the day’s events at the backburner of his mind, breathed a heavy sigh of relief and said, “thank God this shift is over,” and proceeded to walk to the bus stop. in an hour, he’ll be in the confines of his home once again, doing more thinking, except that of work. during the travel back home, he thought of mp3s that he’ll be downloading to complete his 6th all-female CD collection. songs from mariah carey, paula abdul, janet jackson, cathy dennis and alanis morrisette quickly came into mind. having thought of it placed a smile on his otherwise stressed face. and as he arrived home and closed the door of his room, he thankfully said, “i’m home. three more workdays to go.” but he couldn’t care less about work. that’s still 12 hours away. for now, he can put all of that on hold. “time for me to update my blog,” he said to himself as he got changed and headed to the computer downstairs.