Category Archives: General

Reacquaintance

The place was filled with people as he went in. Not his usual scene, but this was his regular spot to go to, especially on nights when he needed to. It took some time for him to squeeze past the crowd which was packing the entrance hallway, ignoring all of the flirty or whimsical looks that came his way. He managed to make his way to the bar area, where he’d already given up hope beforehand of finding a seat where he could just mind his own business.

Amidst the noise and the music, he heard an all too familiar voice on top of it: “I HAVEN’T SEEN THOSE PRETTY EYES IN A WHILE!” He looked at the bar and he saw the bartender looking back at him with a smile. All he can manage back was a smirk; and looked around him, seemingly describing the unusual packed crowd and how surprising the situation is. She motioned him to head to the other end of the bar in the middle of serving drinks to customers. He eventually got there, where surprisingly, one barstool was empty. He finally sat down, much to his relief.

“Hey, Corrine,” was all he can say as the bartender arrived. “Hey there, yourself. Long time,” she replied.

“Yeah, it’s been a while. Though the last time I was here, you weren’t,” he said. “Your father was manning the tap,” he added.

“He’s on vacation, probably somewhere south,” she said. “Been running the place for about a week now. But it’s good to see you here.”

“You’re not looking bad yourself,” he replied back. “How long has it been, three, four years?,” he asked.

“More like five, I guess,” she answered. “I think It was just after that…,” then she suddenly stops, realizing she shouldn’t continue.

“Hey, no, that’s fine. It’s okay,” he said, breaking the awkwardness between them. “Don’t worry about it. It has nothing to do with you. If anything, you were one of the first ones to come see me with your Dad, remember? So it’s good,” he reassured her.

“But still, that’s something I think I’ll never forget,” she says back.

“Yeah, well, things have been a bit better since then. Your Dad helped get me through the months after that. Me coming here regularly was sort of like, therapy.”

There was a moment of pause where all both of them can hear are just the music and the crowd partying it up. She snapped out of her momentary awkwardness and asked, “like I said, it’s good seeing you here. Now what can I get you?”

He looked at her with a sheepish grin, unsure of whether he wanted to tell her. “Look, I thought your father’s here. I’m not quite in a good place right now and I was hoping he’d be back there,” he finally said.

Corrine leaned back, her mouth was slightly opened with shock, and said, “wait, you’re not here for a session, aren’t you? Please tell me that you’re not here for that.”

“Wait, how’d you know about that?!,” he surprisingly asked.

“My Dad told me everything about three years ago,” she answered. “How you’d come here and ‘do your business’ with those ‘sessions’ just to keep you grounded. He even taught me how to make it up,” she added.

“What? No, no, no… why? Why would he do that?” he muttered to himself as he pounded his fist at the bar.

“Because he had to,” came the swift response from Corrine. “He knew he wasn’t going to be around forever, and he doesn’t trust anyone, so he decided to teach me how to do it. Believe me, it was something I didn’t want to learn, but knowing it’s for you, and how you meant, and still mean to our family after all you’ve done for us, I had to. I just had to.”

“Oh, man…,” was all he could say. The past few weeks were a hard struggle for him. He tried to do the best he can and put on a brave or happy face, but it was already taking a toll on him. Going to that place for a session was a hard enough decision to make; but he knew he had no other option.

“Look, just tell me what you need and I’ll make it happen. And I swear you won’t be bothered,” she tells him.

“Look around you,” he replied. “It’s a packed house. How is that even possible?”

“You think my Dad didn’t go through all the possible scenarios with me?”

“Did he?”

“That and more,” she said confidently.

Resigned to his fate, he heaved out a sigh. “Alright then,” he started. “I’ll have a double.”

“Oh wow, a double. Really?,” she asked, surprised at the request.

“Didn’t I tell you I wasn’t in a good place, so yes, a double,” he firmly replied.

“Alright, pretty eyes. Be right back with your double,” she said as she walked away with a wink to him.

If anything, the crowd and music seemed to get louder while he waited for her to come back. He doesn’t know how everything will go down in this kind of environment; it’s as if it was a sign for him to turn back. But mentally looking back at the last few weeks, he hasn’t felt that way in a long time. He needed this.

Another few minutes passes by, and then she comes back, clutching a tray with both hands. On the tray sits four medium-sized shot glasses, all filled to the brim with a different-colored drink. She sets the tray down carefully and places the drinks in front of him one by one.

“Here’s your double,” she says, somehow admiring the arrangement she made.

“What’s this for?,” he asked, pointing at the shot glass containing a grayish liquid.

“Oh, that one’s for me, in case I need to get you out,” she replied.

He looked at her with a smile. “Your Dad really taught you everything, huh?”

She smirked back and said, “go do what you have to do. Like I said, no one will bother you.”

“Thank you,” was all he could say as she turned around to serve another round of customers at the bar. He looked at the drinks in front of him, held the light-reddish one, breathed a deep sigh and said, “here we go” as he downed it.

At first, nothing happens. The crowd and the music just kept on going. His head was down, eyes are closed. Then, he felt a slow build of euphoria as the beat of the music was seemingly becoming more intense and felt good to his ears. It’s as if the volume was being turned up gradually, but he just kept on lightly bobbing to it.

Then suddenly, silence. Deafening silence.

He stopped tapping his fingers to the now vanished music. He opened his eyes slowly, and gradually raised his head. All he saw was an empty bar, an empty establishment. It was somehow bright, but there seemed to be no light source. He looked around. He’s still at the bar, alright. But it was devoid of any living soul except his.

As he took a deep breath, a dark, low-pitched, devilish slow chuckle interrupted the piercing silence.

“I’ve been expecting you,” came a ghastly voice afterwards.

(to be continued)

Reflections while counting down

“I’m grateful that we tried.” – Kate Dibiasky, “Don’t Look Up” (Netflix)

As the final hours of 2021 wind down, the line above has been in my mind the whole day and almost this entire final week. I’ve always said that the holidays are my personal thanksgiving and I usually take time to pause and reflect how I made it to the very last day of the year, and about to start a new one.

That line speaks volumes as the whole world tried to get back on its feet after the debacle that was 2020. Though we’re not out of the woods yet, making it this far was better than most of us had hoped. And that in itself is worth saying that line. And in just hours, we have a blank slate to work with anew.

For me personally, it has been a “balanced” year. Even though my last entry somehow said otherwise, this last few weeks of reflection probably made me realize that with some events, maybe things evened things out. I was able to finally put closure on a very personal “baggage” that I’ve been carrying, and I was also able to reconnect with those who I considered friends, and also made new connections.

But probably what I noticed that every year, there has always been an instance or two when someone just either vanished, disappeared on–or using the more modern term, “ghosted”–me. They probably have their reasons, but that is not enough an excuse for you to suddenly bail out on someone; especially if you consider that person to be a friend or someone you care about.

What I can tell you who’s reading this right now, is that in order for you to earn saying that opening line above, is to make an effort. Yoda’s “do or do not, there is no try” line is not applicable in today’s setting. You make an effort worthy of your parent’s, teacher’s, boss’s, teammate’s, colleague’s, friend’s, or loved one’s respect. Results won’t always be positive or the way it’s supposed to be or how you intended them to be, but to exert that undertaking with maximum effort (as Ryan Reynolds would say), will be enough.

And that is my continuing takeaway as 2022 arrives. Do what has to be done or die trying. Same goes with my relationships with people. Though I’m also thinking of letting go of some who, to put it bluntly, don’t really give a damn. I mean, I continue to treat them how I want to be treated, but all I get is silence. Again, I understand that there probably are reasons, but I can only speculate. The rest is up to them.

Thank you to everyone who was part of my 2021. I’ll thank each of you individually later tonight which means you have made a good impact on me this year. Here’s to efforts fulfilled and wasted, but made nonetheless. And here’s to resetting and starting over again… all at the stroke of midnight.

Happy and safe New Year, everyone.

Short and quick

There are times when you just can’t seem to understand certain things… no matter how hard you try.

You do what you can, knowing what’s good and what’s not.

You mind and go about your own business, and not mind others’ too much.

You do right by people, care deeply for those dear to you and do what you can to make them feel better or be happy.

You appreciate the little things and value what you’re fortunate enough to have.

You’re generous with your time, and spare whatever resources you have to lend a hand without having a second thought.

And yet… things still happen. Or don’t, depending on your perspective.

You try to smile in the midst of all that, and the cycle repeats itself.

Some get lucky and things change for the better. Most others, not so much.

Until such time that you come to terms with what is and what will be.

I have lost count of how many times I asked myself this question during the course of my life:

“will I ever be enough?”

I have yet to hear an answer of more than two letters.

Whether I hear or find it in this lifetime, or someone can truly answer otherwise for me, only time will tell.

Until then, I do what I can.

Have a good week ahead, everyone.

a whimpering and sputtering finish… with a glimmer of hope

It’s ironic that my entry before this was all about faith, or my leap from it. And just a few weeks after posting that entry, the entire world was plunged into a tailspin unseen or unheard of, that even faith couldn’t make a dent on an invisible enemy. And as we celebrate this year’s holiday season, taking stock of what we still have now means more than ever before… maybe in our entire lives.

Who would’ve thought that a virus would literally shut down the world and our modern way of life? I mean, we’ve had outbreaks before; from SARS to Avian Flu, Mad Cow disease to Ebola. Yet mankind has managed to render them under control. It makes one wonder: does progress always have inherent consequences? Is this mother nature’s way of fighting back man’s continued disdain and wanton abuse of Earth’s natural resources?

That may be the bigger picture. But this pandemic touched every single one of us. It forced us to throw out the current life playbook we have and made us stand still… literally and figuratively. And with that, jobs were lost, livelihoods were halted, families were torn apart, sanities went haywire, wheels stopped turning, and every healthcare system in the world was stretched to breaking points again and again.

But amidst all that, adversity breeds resourcefulness and most importantly, resilience. And as the world slowly starts to receive the first doses of the Covid19 vaccine, we end 2020 with a small sliver of light coming from 2021 which all of us are fervently hoping is the year we start to recover. It’s by no means a sure thing that we’ll go back to how things were before all this went down, but it’s better to be up on one knee than our faces planted flat on the ground.

Just like everyone else, this year has tested me in ways I couldn’t have imagined. Physically, emotionally, psychologically, and emotionally. Yet I’m extremely thankful for a select few people outside my family for helping me keep things in perspective, for being an inspiration, and providing a relief from the doldrums of living alone. I’ll be forever grateful for them being in my life during this time.

If you’re asking where my faith has been throughout all of this, well, it’s right where it should be. Refer to my previous entry if you’re still confused. In any case, I’m as grateful and thankful as can be for surviving this year. I probably couldn’t have made it without certain people in my life, so they’re a huge part of my 2020 chapter. And as I turn the next pages in 2021, I’ll continue to stand by them as they stood by me. No matter what happens.

This year’s Christmas may be the most different, difficult, and subdued one we’ll ever have. But nonetheless, it’s always good to take stock of what we still have, what we’ve accomplished, and look forward to what’s in store; no matter how the pandemic affected us.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

A leap from faith

Faith.

It’s probably the most used word in every dire situation any individual comes face to face with.

Along with the two other words, “hope” and “love,” they form probably the most rock-solid trio ever that transcends time and history.

And it’s probably been always associated by religious folk by “keeping” it, and how it can “move mountains.”

To me, faith was all of those. Keyword: “was.”

I recently realized that faith and expectations go hand-in-hand. Okay, maybe not recently; but it was a product of years of personal struggle, challenges, and failures that built up over time that when I look back at those, I slowly began to see the connection.

I was born and raised a Catholic by strictly Catholic parents. I was taught every facet of it and how to center my life around it. I was often told, “if you want something, pray for it.” And I would. Some of those I wanted to have would be given, and some would not. At best, I could recall a 60-40 split of what I wanted that was given compared to what wasn’t. That was during my formative years.

For those who have known me my whole life (or at least majority of the last 20 to 25 years), I’ve always been the “good guy.” Doesn’t get into trouble much, always tried to help out others, always tried to do what is or was right, and kept getting back up after a setback and being positive. A lot of credit of that goes to how I was raised. And to be honest, that’s a good foundation and I wouldn’t have preferred it any other way. Which is also why it made me realize how massively different what I think, know, believe, and see things today and moving forward compared to how I was during all those years.

The last five years–seven if I choose to go all the way back to 2013–have been what I prefer to call as the defining years of my adulthood. It was during those years that I experienced the most of everything. From the highest of highs, to the lowest of lows; with the latter more prevalent. Little did I know that every single thing that happened during that time was part of a slow build-up of the perspective and outlook in life I come to have now. For those of you who religiously follow my blog and what I post on social media, everything is there. But I digress: what’s the connection of all these with faith?

Well, there’s now not a whole lot of faith left in me, if not completely gone.

That’s the honest, most real self-realization I had that started as an after-thought about four years ago, and that was firmly cemented yesterday during my solo road trip. I still have that respect that faith is something other people can, will, and may have. But, it’s not that way personally for me. Not anymore. I choose to free myself from what I think is holding me down and rid myself of experiencing pain from being dependent on something; and look ahead to seeing and understanding that whatever I decide on any of the choices that are laid before me, things will still happen as they are meant to be. And the choices I make are either borne out of necessity, or with much thought. Having this new personal perspective actually feels good. Yet I’m not one to promote this because of my belief that everyone has a choice. And I don’t like shoving my thoughts down people’s throats. As they say, you do you, and I’ll do me.

Does this mean I’ll stop being the good guy? No, not at all. I still firmly believe in good and bad, but it all boils down to personal choice. I’m still going to have that positivity in me, but I’m going to keep that to myself and to only a select few, so don’t expect me to share quotes like I did back in the day in Facebook (that is, when I decide to eventually go back to being active there). When I looked back at the quotes I shared over the years (especially the ones about love and… other stuff), I actually cringed and felt really, utterly sorry and ashamed for myself. Yet I won’t delete them simply because it’s a reminder of how those times were for me, and how that lead to where and who am I now. And I will not refute or contradict people and friends who continue to share their quotes, inspirations, on social media. That’s their choice and I respect that. What I probably may do share are realistic sayings that don’t have anything to do with whatever religion or a school of thought that will make one “hope for a better tomorrow.” Because that’s just it. You hope and depend and expect for things to be better, but you’re actually the one who has to make that happen. Not leaving it to faith. You want something better? Then do something about it or live with the consequences if you choose not to. And the choices one makes are only good for the given situation. The effects of those doesn’t necessarily accumulate into something else. Different scenario, different choices, different outcomes.

Am I still a Catholic after this? Yes. Out of respect for the way I was raised and my parents who did, I will remain one until the day I die. And out of that same respect, I will continue to honor whatever tradition was instilled in me. In fact, in yesterday’s road trip, I lit and offered candles for my friends who are going through some tough times with their families or personal lives, and for the people I love. Yet I didn’t feel any upliftment for myself. All because I know that when I pray for others, it always works. For myself, nothing happens; not in the close to seven years I’ve dealt with different problems and challenges that I prayed for deliverance, but never came. I’ve learned to accept that, and promised myself that what I do will be made out of my own choices. No more relying and being tied down to a certain dependency that will never bear fruit. I’ll live with the consequences, or relish in something attained. Besides, He has bigger problems to worry about than granting what I want or need.

Who knows, maybe this leap from faith is what I really need.