Category Archives: Raves

one heartfelt wish

Prologue:  This will serve as an “unofficial reboot” of some sorts to my last entry.  Just mere minutes after publishing that one, a chain of events have unfolded which led me to… how would I say it… have a “change of heart” (pun intended).  Nevertheless, I still stood by what I wrote before, and since I’m human, I’m also allowed to change my mind sometimes; and this is one of them.

In a little over 30 days, I again turn another year older.  As I’ve mentioned before, I am a big fan of birthdays; just not my own anymore.  Because over the last decade or more, I have always made other people special when my birthday comes.  I throw parties (in which I obligatory do the spending, and it’s mostly for my family and relatives since they’re the closest to me), soaked up other people’s well-wishes, drank myself to a stupor, or practically did whatever the hell I wanted (within reason, of course).  But two things remained constant year after year:  one, I have not received a physical birthday gift since the early part of 2000 (if my memory serves me right, and yes, birthday cards do NOT count–at least for me; I consider that the thought, not a gift); and two, of course, I’m still single.

I don’t mind not getting any birthday gifts.  I’ve probably gotten used to that over time.  Maybe people throwing a party for me (and not me doing all the spending) would be something nice to experience at least once; but at this stage of my life, seeing most–if not all–my same-aged friends and schoolmates posting pictures online being with their significant others, or having their own families made me think, “am I ever, ever going to be like them?”

Those who really know me up close and personal know how my “love story” goes (if one would ever call it that).  I have fallen in love, was taken for granted, and gotten hurt several times but none even came close to having a real relationship after the last one I had back in ’95-’96.  It’s like I’ve mastered the art of picking up the pieces, falling in love with the wrong woman (always), and being that friend with benefits or the “meantime guy.”  It may be okay during the first few times, but like everything else, it too gets old.  So after having that episode five years ago with the last woman who I tried to pursue (who eventually took advantage of my attitude and ended up being torn to pieces online), not to mention the woman who I last fell in love with in 2004, I thought to myself that the next woman who I will seriously have feelings for, will be it; that she will be the last great risk I’ll have my battered, pieced-up, and tired heart taking.  I honestly never thought that would ever happen despite me continuing to go through the dating scene.  Or so I thought.

So here I am now in this situation again.  But there’s something different.  Really, really different.  The feelings I have for this woman right now is much more than what I’ve experienced before.  And that makes me more scared and excited at the same time.  More than I can imagine.  She makes me have butterflies in my stomach every time we’re together.  She makes my darkest days disappear whenever I see her.  She is my second wind when I feel exhausted.  And she makes me miss her terribly when we’re apart.  I could honestly say that I have never felt this way before.  But looking at the bigger picture, it won’t likely end well for me.  Again.  It’s the proverbial scenario where I have everything to gain and nothing to lose.  But I guess for me to risk every single one of whatever chips my heart has left, I still have something to lose.  And yet for me to feel this way is something I’m very thankful for.  It made me realize that I still have something left in the realm of giving myself to the one who I know (and if all goes well) will make me very happy and finally break that spell of me being single.  Fate has tested me.  Fate is still testing me.  And I’m calling the bluff.

So what does all that have to do with my month-away birthday?  Simple.  If I could have just one gift, just one; one that afterward, I would promise to never, ever have to ask for anything again, is for things to end up happily between us.  I have shown her who and what I am as a person, and what I am capable of doing for her.  Yes, this is me; here I am, pleading to the universe to conspire to have us end up being together.  I suppose I have done lots of good things to other people in my life over the years (including hers) and that I am hoping for some good luck to come my way at least once.  I know that she is the one for me.  Otherwise, I would not have felt this way.  This is whatever is left of me and my heart, and that I would do anything just to make her happy or see her smile and not make her shed a single tear of sadness or feel an ounce of neglect; that I will always be there for her, support her, fight for her and always be proud of her; and that I’d risk my own dreams being fulfilled just to see hers realized, and give up my own happiness in order for her to be treated the way she deserves to be.

And if I’m still not worthy of such a gift, then at least make her feel everything that I just said with someone who will do exactly the same for her.  And I will still do what I have promised, not to ask for anything again.

Though a party for me without me spending anything would be a nice fallback.  Just kidding.

rest in pieces

“Listen to what your heart tells you.”

And that I did.  I have always followed my head–sometimes my gut–since that has been the only way that has given me some sort of sanity in the things I’ve been doing these past five years since… since the last time my heart did say something which led to me–surprise, surprise–crashing and burning.  Again.

Since then, I never thought that I would feel that way about someone ever again.  Even though that experience was not as deep as the one prior to that (which reminds me, it’s Easter today and that experience with D still remains as one of the more unforgettable ones), it helped solidify the notion that I would never find a woman who I can possibly spend the rest of my life with; that I was really born to be single.  So after practically ripping C’s name and reputation to shreds online through my ranting blog entries, I started to pick up the pieces again (or what’s left of it) and moved forward; feeling a bit smarter and wiser, and not ever expecting to stumble anymore.

I don’t know if fate is playing another one of its bad jokes on me, but the events of these last few weeks led me to feel the extreme opposites of falling for someone.  And somehow, as difficult and painful it is for me, I took it upon myself to try and walk away from it.  Not because experience taught me to second guess what I feel (I’ve never been this concrete about what and how my feelings are) about someone, but it is the right thing to do… on all fronts.  But yes, after days of denying it myself, I can–and proudly–say that I have honestly fallen in love with her.  Yes, I’m that far gone.  But as mentioned, it’s something I have to move on from and pretend like it’s only air.

But I couldn’t have fallen in love with a far better woman such as her. I’m glad that I did. The times I spent with her, doing things for her, comforting her, treating her the way she should be treated, making her flash that perfect smile which would nearly make me faint, it was all worth it.  What I felt for her was at least twice more with how I felt for D eight years ago.  And yet, the results are still the same.  And yes, it truly sucks that tears fell from my eyes for the first time since only God knows when.  I still get to see her everyday, but pretending to be normal around her and having less interactions with her would prove to be a tough act to do; but it has to be done.  I suppose the Gemini in me will come into play… frequently.

Yet my feelings for her won’t change. Not now, and not anytime soon.  All I can be for her now is someone she can trust and count on whenever she needs a friend; though I’m not expecting she would even consider that option.  I just have to be contented with whatever interaction we may have.

So did listening to my heart brought any good to me?  I would say yes because it gave me the opportunity to do what I do best:

picking up the pieces.

two zero one two

The holidays have always served as a thanksgiving of sorts for me.  More so, a time to reflect on what has happened to me during the past 12 months, especially as the last day of the year approaches.  This year is no different.  Although I must say with all honesty, this has been the most challenging year for me…  so far.  From being screwed over by a colleague I thought I trusted, to taking a chance at chasing a lifelong dream, to making the worst professional decision I’ve ever made, and–surprise, surprise–to still being single.

Yet unlike previous year-ender entries I have made, I’m not going to spend much time recanting stories and experiences simply because they have already been told here…  well, at least most of ’em.  Those untold ones may find their place on this blog someday, somehow.  It could be in a form of a story, or a blunt recollection of actual events.  Still, it doesn’t mean that those events are far less significant than the others.  As they say, there is a time and a place to tell everything.

I may be a bit biased when I said that this year was the most challenging for me due to events that happened during the latter part of the year.  True, but prior to those events, it was already challenging as it is.  The degree of difficulty just went up several notches.  But, being the glass half-full kind of guy that I am, I try to see what good–no matter how small–it brings me.  And much to my surprise, I discovered something in myself I never thought I’d see.  Or maybe it’s a rediscovery of something I had; that being lost along the way either because I took things for granted, or simply just got lost in the scheme of things as time went by.

At the beginning of this year, it was said that 2012 is a lucky year for those born in the year of the Dragon.  With everything that has happened to me, it was the exact opposite.  Still, things could’ve been much worse, so I’m still thankful for all the good things that came my way.  And despite what I’m going through right now, I could say that I’m still lucky in some ways.  Maybe I was destined to be where I’m at; or maybe I needed to go through what most others would not have done in a heartbeat; maybe this is all just a precursor to bigger and better things, but I don’t want to get my hopes too high just yet.  Remembering my mantra, “lowered expectations;” it’s better to be surprised in a very good way, rather than expect good things to happen, only to come crashing down hard in defeat.

As 2013 enters, I may have to make some changes to and for myself.  These are stemming from what I have learned from the previous year.  I got my hands full as it is, but these changes are well needed.  So hopefully–and with a little luck–things will go more of my way this time.  I hope that whatever changes you may need to make for yourself also bring you better things.  Let’s all welcome the new year with hope and positivity of greater things for all of us.  I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas celebration, and I’m wishing everyone a prosperous new year!

By the way, for those keeping score, I still have not yet forgiven myself.

on this day, eight years ago…

Eight years.

Even I am quite surprised that what started out as an outlet for expressing my thoughts and feelings would last this long, with close to 290 entries in total.  Granted, I may have slowed down significantly over the past two or so years, but I think having that number of entries over that span of time is still quite a feat…  at least for me.  Other bloggers may have twice or even thrice the number over the same amount of time, but I guess the difference between me and (most of) them is that I write on impulse and feeling which is not time-bound at all.  After all, this is a personal blog.

Let’s see, I think I have written about almost anything one can think of.  Yes, more than half of my entries may be about my love life (or lack thereof), but I suppose I have touched on every subject matter I can think of.  But with all of those entries, I make it a point that it has two characteristics:  truth and honesty.  I always speak with an element of truth to what I am saying, and convey what I really feel inside.  I mean, there’s no point in maintaining a personal blog when the entries are full of outrageous or deceiving feelings and information that can be easily contradicted with realistic fact.  Unless if it is a politician’s blog, then maybe.  But I can vouch that for each and every entry I have written, it has both truth and honesty.  I could care less if I step on other people’s toes or hurt some feelings, or even challenge social or religious norms; like I have said time and again:  this is my blog, this is my space, and I can responsibly say whatever I want, whenever I want.  And I cannot imagine doing it any other way.

Seriously, has it been really that long?  I guess it really is.

Eight years, 286 entries, 189 comments, 16 categories, 100 percent truth, honesty, and most importantly, heart.

And a partridge in a pear tree.

Of fastfood and radio

I think it was the great Bruce Lee who said somewhere along the lines that, “goals are not always meant to be reached; sometimes, goals are there so that there is something for you to aim at.” With that in mind, I think the same goes for our dreams. Whether you’ll admit it or not, we all have dreams about being this, or having that–whatever this and that may mean to be. Yes, I’m talking about dreams that are realistic in nature, or the ones that can be reached in one’s lifetime; not the fantasy-type ones that come true only in movies (yes, world peace being one of them). I’m guessing that out of the entire population on this Earth, only about 20 percent have reached or lived at least one of their dreams, whether it was from their childhood or dreams born out of inspiration; and about one to five percent that have two or more that came true. Consider me part of that lucky first group, who at an early age of 20, has lived the dream I had since I was around 9 years old. But more on that later. I wanted to focus more on a dream that came out of the love for music.

Music has played a very big part in my life. I remember the very first cassette album I had as a kid. It was called, “Puff, The Magic Dragon,” a collection of children’s songs (the album name ironically would become a slang for smoking pot, but that’s a different story altogether). I also had Lea Salonga’s very first album, a collection of songs from “Annie,” and in part because she was my childhood crush. And my Dad would always play either Abba, Glen Campbell, Don McLean or John Denver on our stereo during those days or in the car, and I would listen and enjoy it as well.

I got my first taste of listening to the radio when USA for Africa released “We Are The World” in 1985. It was the radio station 92.3 that had this MRS or Most Requested Song segment which played that song every hour, and I would make sure that I’m tuned in every time just to hear it. It was also around that time that I became conscious of the kind of music I listen to. Over time, I would become a regular listener for different radio stations, which, at that time, only played mostly foreign songs before the Pinoy band scene emerged in the 90s.

A childhood friend introduced me to radio station 97.1 LSFM right around 1992. There was this daily noon countdown (Top 20 at 12) he was listening to hosted by a DJ named Triggerman who he found amusing. I was immediately hooked and became an avid listener. I started to think then that playing the most popular and awesome music everyday was so cool. It was also around that year when the station introduced the Campus Aircheck program for college students who wanted to become radio DJs. But I would only learn of that a year later, during my freshman year in college. I was preparing for my mid-term exams when I heard the radio plug for it, calling for would-be aspirants. I got myself a bio-data all filled out, but became disappointed when the submission period turned out to be during my mid-term week. There was no way I could let that interfere with mid-terms (yes, I was still a good boy at that time). So I opted not to go through with it. But I would still be an avid listener of that station. I would also become a regular caller, not of that particular countdown program, but the station’s other programs where the resident DJs would already recognize my voice whenever I’d get through their busy phone lines. They would sometimes let me go on air to do some greetings or introduce the next song. It was that way throughout the first two years of college until I slowly started to drift away from radio to focus my attention on more serious matters.

My first dream came true in 1996 when I started working for McDonald’s while I was still in college. I always thought when I was a kid when our family used to go to McDonald’s, how it would be fun to prepare my favorite burgers, fries, and spaghetti. I would always peek behind the counter to try to see how it all came about. Now that I was working for them during the mornings and attending class during the afternoons, my free time was few and far in between. I hardly listened to the radio during those years. My music preference was experiencing a roller coaster ride of some sorts at that time. After being a metal-head during the early 90s where I even grew my hair long and had it straightened regularly, I started to appreciate ballads and mellow love songs, as well as new wave music. Heavy metal then turned to alternative rock which I still listen to on a regular basis up to this day. I went back to listening to the radio in 1999. 97.1 had already switched to a different format that is not to my liking, so I looked for another one, and eventually found RX93.1. With the rise of the internet during that time, I eventually found the station’s website and signed up for their online mailing list. It proved to be one of the more life-changing things I’ve done as I met a lot of new people who became my friends until today. I also became friends and acquaintances with some of their DJs and would get tickets to the station’s events and parties; all because I am a member of their mailing list. Unfortunately, their Radio1 program (their version of Campus Aircheck) was not suitable for me anymore since I already got my college degree. Yet, I would continue to call the station, go on air to join promos, greet, or request for a song. And that for me, was a taste of somehow being a DJ already. The station would eventually have an audition or two for those outside of college wanting to be their next DJ. I would attend those auditions, but unfortunately, I won’t make the cut. Despite being disappointed, I continued to be a fan of that station, and other radio stations that had good music programming. And that dream of playing the best songs slowly faded into oblivion. In consolation, I just told myself that at least I had one of my dreams come true in my lifetime; and that one out of two ain’t bad.

Until recently. Just last month, I woke up one morning having a dream that involved me wearing a headset and talking on a microphone with a switchboard of some sort in front of me. Turns out, I was hosting some sort of radio show with a female co-DJ. We were both talking with someone on the phone, though I cannot remember what the topic was. I remember that after recalling that dream after waking up, how real it felt. I even posted it on Twitter, but shortly after, reality checked in. I thought that it was nice going through that, despite it being in the dream world. But at my age, I thought that all the best music I’ll be playing will be in the confines of my own house. Then about two weeks ago, one of the stations I listen to, Jam 88.3, started airing a plug saying that they are looking for their next radio superstar. Imagine lights and bells going off inside my head as I heard that plug for the very first time. In addition, the station plays all alternative music, which is up my alley. Within a week, I recorded my voice demo. It took me around 30 takes to get the feel I wanted to convey on that demo. I thought to myself that this would be my final shot at that elusive dream, so it’s all or nothing. I submitted my voice demo this past Monday. I was talking to Mike, who graciously accepted my demo which was in .mp3 format, and I was told that it would take a couple more weeks for them to choose which will make the initial cut. It was also sort of an informal interview as he asked me about my background and music interests. As I left the station, I felt a sense of relief that I really decided to go through with it, even after having some initial dissenting thoughts about it.

What happens in a couple of weeks is anyone’s guess. I know and believe–together with the encouragement and support of friends–that I have what it takes (the voice, eloquence, wit, desire, and love for music) to live that elusive dream. If I do make it all the way, then I’m really considering myself very, very lucky. If I don’t or don’t receive any call from them, I won’t whine about it–I mean, not really. But it’ll be no regrets like how i’ve always lived. What’s important is that I took advantage of the opportunity given and made the most of it. Music will continue to be a big part of me now, tomorrow, until I go six feet under. Yet the dream will always be there. If that dream I had last month was any indication of it coming true, then maybe it’s a sign of things to come. If not, well, at least aiming and going for it was worth it. And like I said, one of two ain’t bad. But it would’ve been real cool though. Real effin’ cool.