Disclaimer: this entry may end up as an incoherent rambling on my part as I type what’s exactly on my mind the moment I come up with it (like I always do whenever I write my entries). This is probably more personal than anything I’ve ever written (from my recollection). I just need to get this off, so don’t expect any structure in what I’m about to say. I’ve had no alcohol as well since I was told to not consume any for seven days after getting my first vaccine dose (alcohol while I’m writing makes my train of thought go smoothly, or so I’ve recently discovered). So, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

About a few weeks ago, my colleagues and I had a session about “finding your why’s” where we shared our life experiences. The objective was for each one to know more about the other’s personalities; why we are the way we are, and basically, why we work in a certain style or manner. And for us to really understand our own selves and therefore be able to fully come to terms with the reason(s) why we are here, we had to go back to the beginning. Literally. Because what one may see as different or separate life events that we go through, they are actually connected; not by time, but subconsciously through our actions as we go through those events.

In going through that retrospective (which wasn’t easy, by the way), I was able to unearth things that I thought I’ve long forgotten, both good and bad (more of the latter). By carefully going through each phase in my life, it’s like re-living the past and seeing what my actions have done to shape the life I’m living now. Does that mean I have misgivings or regrets about the bad decisions I’ve made? No, not one bit. Does that mean I have learned from my mistakes? Yes and no. “No” because there still are that I continue to make for some reason (don’t we all?). All of my colleagues who had their turn to share their life experiences were able to find their why’s and put it in a statement (which could therefore be synonymous with “life purpose”). Being the most senior member of the management team with the most life experiences, you’d think I’d have one too, right?

No.

Which actually surprised me. And at the same time, had me at a loss. To think I’ve been carrying that around for weeks now, trying to figure out–no pun intended–why? Even now as I write this, there’s that void somewhere in the recesses of my head where I should have that “why” or purpose wherein I could be able to go and check to remind myself each and every day. But there isn’t. And as I continue to write this, I don’t see myself any closer to finding it out.

Those who know me well can say that I am the personification of a Gemini. And those who know me too well can say what one side of the twin has made me done in life or what it can be capable of doing; same goes with the other side. I am by no means a saint. and I don’t claim myself to be a fiend either. There’s that endless battle between that angel and demon on my shoulders. Due to my upbringing, the angel has more victories, and continues to have the upper hand. But whatever wins the demon has, have created such an impact that it eats up probably around four or five angel wins. And yet, there are those few and far in-between times that both of them either call a truce, or actually agree on something. Why am I saying this? Because it’s a huge part of who I am. And maybe by affirming that, I can probably be one step closer to what I’m trying to find out. Maybe.

Now, imagine an introvert who actually enjoys working with people. That’s me too. From my very first job to where I am now, it’s always dealing with people. Whether it be customers, colleagues, or even the other workers in a company, I never thought I would actually be comfortable in a people-oriented setting. To think I was very shy growing up and uneasy being in groups of people. I never raised my hand in class recitations, or volunteered for show-and-tell. And when I do get selected, I’d always have stage fright. Up until now, I still get an uncomfortable feeling talking up on stage in front of a crowd when asked to despite coming off as articulate or well-prepared (I’d rather not be on that stage at all). Maybe that’s why I wanted to become a radio DJ since they’re by themselves just playing music, and even though they talk to people, it’s not in front of them. And yet, people are essential in my current line of work. Now one would think that while I’ve been living by myself for more than two years now and working from home for almost more than a year and a half, I should be enjoying this, right? Well, it’s quite the opposite as I miss the personal interaction with my team members and colleagues. Weird, right? Go back to the previous paragraph of being a Gemini. This applies to that as well.

Here comes probably the saddest or most personal part of my retrospective-slash-realization: I’m either demotivated or uninspired. Maybe both. Why? You tell me. Maybe the whole work-from-home setup is just too damn long. Not that I want to go back to working in the office right now, but I’ve always said that for me to maintain a healthy balance, I have to separate work from life. Pre-pandemic, that only means I drive to the office, put on my work hat and work my ass off. Once work is done, I take my work hat off, drive out of the office and have a life (however and whatever that may be) and not even think about work. Setting and atmosphere are huge essentials in having balance. These days, my work laptop being strictly out of sight on weekends just doesn’t work anymore even though I still put it away. And yet, I still need to work because my teams depend on me. And they are great people to work with. Outside of that, I’m in my mid-40s with no personal future in sight. I’ve long accepted the fact that I’ll probably die alone (seriously), yet there are times where I’d imagine what my life would be right now if I had someone. Most likely, it would be a lot different. Hell, I wouldn’t be writing this entry right now, that’s for sure. I often ask myself these two questions: “is there something wrong with me?” and “will I ever be enough?” When it comes to relationships, the one thing that I can truly say that I am good and proud of, is taking care of someone. What about incompatibility, you ask? Well, Geminis are known to work extremely hard to make relationships work, doing whatever they can. Particularly this Gemini. Yet no one is taking a chance on me. At least, no one who I wanted or loved. They all bailed saying, “I’m too good for them,” or something like that. And don’t tell me to settle for someone or play matchmaker just for me to get someone and be with someone. It just doesn’t work that way for me. I should probably get a dog instead.

Only time will tell if all that I’ve said here will help me, or bury me even further. The angel and demon both agree that doing this was right though. It’s just a matter of who will probably benefit the most. Going back to that sharing session, I ultimately said that I’m still finding my why; but what matters to me right now are the people I work with, the people closest to me, and the connections and relationships I have with them. They’re the ones helping my sanity stay delicately intact right now. To think a new work week is about to start and I still have pending items. I’ll be needing all the luck in the world–and beyond–for that.

In closing, let me leave everyone with two quotes that I’ve been keeping in mind often. They’re not my personal whys in any shape or form, but it’s something I could always draw something from. These two could probably sum up what kind of person I am. The first one goes,

“it’s nice to be important, but it’s more important to be nice.”

That, in a nutshell, speaks to me of humility in everything. Second one is,

“a person’s greatest emotional need is to feel appreciated.”

No explanation there; hence I always try to take care of people, especially those I care deeply about, the only way I know how. Even though they don’t necessarily do the same for me.

Have a good week ahead, everyone.