Category Archives: Rants

Blindsided

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I was supposed to continue with the story I had going on my last post, but despite having the plot flow going through my head over the last few weeks, I couldn’t seem to structure it to a solid entry. Why? Because things happened this past week that threw me off. Way, way off that I spent the weekend downing an entire bottle of Jack Daniels… by myself.

In any case, I’ll still have that story plot pinned down and will pen it hopefully by next weekend.

But let me just say this: my life experiences made me develop trust issues. And just when I thought being myself and being able to treat others how I want to be treated will make things better, it ultimately let my guard down somehow; and as always, people take advantage. Sometimes, people who I thought would never do.

I’ve never felt so disappointed, betrayed, and frustrated in years. Not to mention being the most alone since the closest people I would’ve run to are either caught up in this, or are too proud to keep in touch after they themselves have somehow did me wrong that they felt that they don’t need to reach out; or worse, they think that I need to reach out to them.

I don’t know what this week will bring, or how the succeeding weeks or months will fare. But let me make one thing clear: I’ve been alive and have endured enough to know what needs to be done. I’ve made a lot of sacrifices against my own personal happiness, and wouldn’t hesitate to do so again for someone I care deeply about; and if that person is threatened, hurt, or maligned in any way, I would jump in in a heartbeat to defend their dignity at my own expense. And believe me when I say: you do not want to make me angry, much less back me into a corner and force my hand to do something you will definitely regret.

Death doesn’t scare or faze me one bit, so there’s nothing one can do to me anything less that would make me cower in fear or give in to pressure. You want to get rid of the best of me? Then you would have to kill me. Literally.

Try me. Test me. Provoke me. I dare you. I fucking double dare you. You’ll either wish you didn’t, or felt so fucking sorry that you made a Karen or Maritess out of yourself for such a petty thing.

Let the week begin.

Short and quick

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There are times when you just can’t seem to understand certain things… no matter how hard you try.

You do what you can, knowing what’s good and what’s not.

You mind and go about your own business, and not mind others’ too much.

You do right by people, care deeply for those dear to you and do what you can to make them feel better or be happy.

You appreciate the little things and value what you’re fortunate enough to have.

You’re generous with your time, and spare whatever resources you have to lend a hand without having a second thought.

And yet… things still happen. Or don’t, depending on your perspective.

You try to smile in the midst of all that, and the cycle repeats itself.

Some get lucky and things change for the better. Most others, not so much.

Until such time that you come to terms with what is and what will be.

I have lost count of how many times I asked myself this question during the course of my life:

“will I ever be enough?”

I have yet to hear an answer of more than two letters.

Whether I hear or find it in this lifetime, or someone can truly answer otherwise for me, only time will tell.

Until then, I do what I can.

Have a good week ahead, everyone.

Searching (in more ways than one)

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Disclaimer: this entry may end up as an incoherent rambling on my part as I type what’s exactly on my mind the moment I come up with it (like I always do whenever I write my entries). This is probably more personal than anything I’ve ever written (from my recollection). I just need to get this off, so don’t expect any structure in what I’m about to say. I’ve had no alcohol as well since I was told to not consume any for seven days after getting my first vaccine dose (alcohol while I’m writing makes my train of thought go smoothly, or so I’ve recently discovered). So, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

About a few weeks ago, my colleagues and I had a session about “finding your why’s” where we shared our life experiences. The objective was for each one to know more about the other’s personalities; why we are the way we are, and basically, why we work in a certain style or manner. And for us to really understand our own selves and therefore be able to fully come to terms with the reason(s) why we are here, we had to go back to the beginning. Literally. Because what one may see as different or separate life events that we go through, they are actually connected; not by time, but subconsciously through our actions as we go through those events.

In going through that retrospective (which wasn’t easy, by the way), I was able to unearth things that I thought I’ve long forgotten, both good and bad (more of the latter). By carefully going through each phase in my life, it’s like re-living the past and seeing what my actions have done to shape the life I’m living now. Does that mean I have misgivings or regrets about the bad decisions I’ve made? No, not one bit. Does that mean I have learned from my mistakes? Yes and no. “No” because there still are that I continue to make for some reason (don’t we all?). All of my colleagues who had their turn to share their life experiences were able to find their why’s and put it in a statement (which could therefore be synonymous with “life purpose”). Being the most senior member of the management team with the most life experiences, you’d think I’d have one too, right?

No.

Which actually surprised me. And at the same time, had me at a loss. To think I’ve been carrying that around for weeks now, trying to figure out–no pun intended–why? Even now as I write this, there’s that void somewhere in the recesses of my head where I should have that “why” or purpose wherein I could be able to go and check to remind myself each and every day. But there isn’t. And as I continue to write this, I don’t see myself any closer to finding it out.

Those who know me well can say that I am the personification of a Gemini. And those who know me too well can say what one side of the twin has made me done in life or what it can be capable of doing; same goes with the other side. I am by no means a saint. and I don’t claim myself to be a fiend either. There’s that endless battle between that angel and demon on my shoulders. Due to my upbringing, the angel has more victories, and continues to have the upper hand. But whatever wins the demon has, have created such an impact that it eats up probably around four or five angel wins. And yet, there are those few and far in-between times that both of them either call a truce, or actually agree on something. Why am I saying this? Because it’s a huge part of who I am. And maybe by affirming that, I can probably be one step closer to what I’m trying to find out. Maybe.

Now, imagine an introvert who actually enjoys working with people. That’s me too. From my very first job to where I am now, it’s always dealing with people. Whether it be customers, colleagues, or even the other workers in a company, I never thought I would actually be comfortable in a people-oriented setting. To think I was very shy growing up and uneasy being in groups of people. I never raised my hand in class recitations, or volunteered for show-and-tell. And when I do get selected, I’d always have stage fright. Up until now, I still get an uncomfortable feeling talking up on stage in front of a crowd when asked to despite coming off as articulate or well-prepared (I’d rather not be on that stage at all). Maybe that’s why I wanted to become a radio DJ since they’re by themselves just playing music, and even though they talk to people, it’s not in front of them. And yet, people are essential in my current line of work. Now one would think that while I’ve been living by myself for more than two years now and working from home for almost more than a year and a half, I should be enjoying this, right? Well, it’s quite the opposite as I miss the personal interaction with my team members and colleagues. Weird, right? Go back to the previous paragraph of being a Gemini. This applies to that as well.

Here comes probably the saddest or most personal part of my retrospective-slash-realization: I’m either demotivated or uninspired. Maybe both. Why? You tell me. Maybe the whole work-from-home setup is just too damn long. Not that I want to go back to working in the office right now, but I’ve always said that for me to maintain a healthy balance, I have to separate work from life. Pre-pandemic, that only means I drive to the office, put on my work hat and work my ass off. Once work is done, I take my work hat off, drive out of the office and have a life (however and whatever that may be) and not even think about work. Setting and atmosphere are huge essentials in having balance. These days, my work laptop being strictly out of sight on weekends just doesn’t work anymore even though I still put it away. And yet, I still need to work because my teams depend on me. And they are great people to work with. Outside of that, I’m in my mid-40s with no personal future in sight. I’ve long accepted the fact that I’ll probably die alone (seriously), yet there are times where I’d imagine what my life would be right now if I had someone. Most likely, it would be a lot different. Hell, I wouldn’t be writing this entry right now, that’s for sure. I often ask myself these two questions: “is there something wrong with me?” and “will I ever be enough?” When it comes to relationships, the one thing that I can truly say that I am good and proud of, is taking care of someone. What about incompatibility, you ask? Well, Geminis are known to work extremely hard to make relationships work, doing whatever they can. Particularly this Gemini. Yet no one is taking a chance on me. At least, no one who I wanted or loved. They all bailed saying, “I’m too good for them,” or something like that. And don’t tell me to settle for someone or play matchmaker just for me to get someone and be with someone. It just doesn’t work that way for me. I should probably get a dog instead.

Only time will tell if all that I’ve said here will help me, or bury me even further. The angel and demon both agree that doing this was right though. It’s just a matter of who will probably benefit the most. Going back to that sharing session, I ultimately said that I’m still finding my why; but what matters to me right now are the people I work with, the people closest to me, and the connections and relationships I have with them. They’re the ones helping my sanity stay delicately intact right now. To think a new work week is about to start and I still have pending items. I’ll be needing all the luck in the world–and beyond–for that.

In closing, let me leave everyone with two quotes that I’ve been keeping in mind often. They’re not my personal whys in any shape or form, but it’s something I could always draw something from. These two could probably sum up what kind of person I am. The first one goes,

“it’s nice to be important, but it’s more important to be nice.”

That, in a nutshell, speaks to me of humility in everything. Second one is,

“a person’s greatest emotional need is to feel appreciated.”

No explanation there; hence I always try to take care of people, especially those I care deeply about, the only way I know how. Even though they don’t necessarily do the same for me.

Have a good week ahead, everyone.

Hello, old friend

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Some say that in revisiting an old hobby, you’d never know what to expect. It could be scary, especially if you haven’t done it for quite a while and you’re afraid to mess it up or not follow through; it could be therapeutic, if you’re undergoing a lot of stress lately. It could also be overwhelming, if you’re trying too much or too hard; or it could be a re-discovery of yourself when you think or realize you don’t know where you’re headed.

When I was a kid, I loved reading. From the 15 volumes of “Charlie Brown’s ‘Cyclopedia” and the entire 1988 edition of World Book Encyclopedia, to Norton Juster’s “The Phantom Tollbooth” and the “Choose Your Own Adventure” series, reading fueled my imagination. which is as vivid today as it was back then. But as I grew older, reading stories told by other people started to lose its luster. The excitement is still there; but for some reason, reading for me had become more of a way to pass the time idly. I still do read from time to time, but not as much as way back then. I tried to revive reading some years ago. I got the first four books of “Game of Thrones” but never got halfway through the first one. Same with Roland Lazenby’s “Michael Jordan: The Life” (which was actually a gift). It just wasn’t the same.

As I slowly started to lose interest in reading, I tried to find something else to fill the void. By then, I was in college but had no idea where to start. I was always shy around other people during my growing up years (and sometimes, even up until now). I remember one time during an English class when I was called to recite about how we spent our semestral break, I couldn’t get a single word out. I mean, I knew what to say, I just couldn’t put together the words. We were then told to write it down, and I was able to fill an entire sheet of yellow pad paper in minutes. Since then, in answering questions on tests and exams that require an essay, I would almost always lack space in writing them; not to mention running out of time. I then initially thought that I found something I may be good at: writing a paper based on research and explaining material we were asked to read. And that slowly became something I was looking forward to.

I never thought of doing creative writing… until I fell in love. I started writing poems. Of course they were disgustingly cheesy since I was exploring putting unabashed, flying-on-cloud-nine emotions into a literary piece that was trying to make her heart flutter. Yet ironically, what kicked my creative writing into overdrive was when I got my heart broken for the first time, I wrote poem after poem about how I loved her, and the misery I felt in losing her. Some of my friends were able to read those, and the feedback I got was surprisingly positive. They never thought I was capable of poetry. So I continued to write and write. Some of those are immortalized on this blog, you just have to dig deep and find them. But there are those that may have been entirely lost since I wasn’t able to keep a copy of them, especially the first few ones (ugh, damn it).

As I started my professional career, my poetry-writing started to decline. Although I’d still write here and there, I then thought, “what’s next?” The idea of having a journal wasn’t really that appealing to me since at that time, it was an unwritten rule or requirement that you have to write something on a daily basis if you do decide to have one (plus the fact that having a physical journal at home containing your unguarded feelings is not entirely safe from your parents). The internet age was just starting at that time, and little did I know what that had in store for me. It was around early 2004 when the notion of having an online journal hit me. I didn’t know much about going online (okay, except for Friendster), but having a personal computer at home suddenly made me realize that I can digitally save whatever I write since the folks don’t know much about accessing files on a computer. So I started to write based on what I felt at that time. I almost always had no drafts, nor made edits along the way or before I published them; I wrote about topics and subjects free flowingly as they came to mind. I also wrote poems, trying to see if I still can do so. Again, some of them–if not most–are published here.

Since then, I’ve had several incarnations of my blog. Twitter and Facebook introduced me to micro-blogging which then became more effective for me, so I found myself slowly ditching the long-form of blogging. I became so active in Facebook posting whatever comes to mind. From politics, to what I was doing at that moment; to interview (horror) stories and current events. I “quit” Facebook in 2016 after another heartbreak, and, looking back at it now, I’m thankful I did. What started as a social media break eventually turned to a sabbatical, in which stepping away made me see how the world has changed dramatically since that year. And though I had several dances and skirmishes with so-called affairs of the heart since then, it never really rekindled my passion for writing. The few entries I’ve had over the last five years are testament to an attempt to reignite that old passion I had. Some of them are really bad, but I prefer not to delete them just to make me see where I was during those times. I have no regrets posting them (nor have any regrets about anything in my life), since they still came from deep inside. And for me, that’s the most important thing in expressing yourself. Being brutally honest, if need be.

So here I am again. Full circle. Again. I’ve said on previous entries that I’d be posting more often, but end up not doing so. I won’t make that same promise; but the one thing I can do is, whenever I can, to post from the heart… or whatever you call this thing that’s pumping blood through my veins. All I know is that I’m currently going through something. And writing about it may be a form of therapy. When you’re caught in between something you know and something you feel and they are on the opposite sides of the spectrum, but they’re both right, you have one big clusterfuck on your hands. Or maybe it’s just me being a Gemini: having that little angel and devil on my shoulder constantly arguing about who and what’s right. At least I’m writing about it. Or at least some semblance of it. For now, this would have to do.

And as I down my final shot of whisky in concluding this journal entry, I raise this toast that I heard being said somewhere before: “to unspoken words of affection that continue to keep you anchored down, may they one day be set free to discover the possibilities of happiness, or forever be chained in the name of keeping the peace.” Whatever that means.

Good to see you, old friend. Let’s try to make this a regular thing, shall we? Starting with this one.

Happy Easter, everyone.

When words really mean something

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A week ago during a break from work, I happen to chance upon a page containing something that Keanu Reeves allegedly said.  I say “allegedly” because there has been no official confirmation coming from the Hollywood actor’s side about it.  Lots of things have been said about him, but one thing I do notice is that he’s not your typical big-star-actor person.  He doesn’t hog the limelight, lays low most of the time until lo and behold, he has a new movie out.  But I don’t want to talk about him as a person, but more of what he allegedly said.  And based on the content and how it was said, I’m not at all surprised that it may come from him.  But whether or not it actually did come from him, the read itself has been meaningful for me.

From my understanding of that so-called piece (for lack of a better term), he simply describes how the world works in this present generation.  I found myself reading it thrice at least on that day, and at least four more times during the week.  And as I read and re-read it, I slowly realized that he is right.  From what I can comprehend, we as a human race have become too comfortable in and around the advancements in technology and lifestyle that we’ve had over the last few decades.  Being born in the ’70s, I have lived life–probably half of it already–seeing the large gap between how life was when I was growing up and how millennials are being raised; and even how people within my age group have adapted and embraced the present lifestyle while completely ignoring the values they have been taught (if any).  Seeing these things around him, he wanted to step back from everything that’s going on; resigned to the fact that things may only get worse by simply beginning with, “I cannot be part of a world,” and lists everything for him that’s gone wrong.

There are some lines in that piece that really stuck to me.  One is, “ (I cannot be part of a world) where there is no concept of honor and dignity, and one can only rely on those when they say ‘I promise.'”  These days, one cannot count on one’s spoken word until those last two words are added.  We became too forgiving to the notion that in this day and age and a fast-paced lifestyle, things can always change in a heartbeat due to whatever reason; and that we should always be open to the fact that whatever was said can’t be set in stone.  I have always followed through everything I say and commit to other people; whether it be family, friends, colleagues, that I rarely add the words, “I promise.”  Have we become so jaded that we can always take back what we say and can easily apologize and act like nothing happened afterwards?  Yes, things or circumstances can easily change; but how will the person see you if you let those changes affect your commitment and eventually constantly go back on your word?

“(I cannot be part of a world) where the concept of jealousy is considered shameful, and modesty is a disadvantage.”  In this age of social media, people are heavily encouraged to promote themselves out to the world.  While this helps people come out of their shell, the concept of doing it too much comes into play.  And when there are some who prefer to keep a laid back approach, this is now generally viewed toward the negative; that it won’t do anyone good and they will be left behind.  They in turn–while being overwhelmed by those keeping up left and right–would start to become jealous and either would be ashamed of themselves, or would get back at other people for mocking their modesty.  The number of likes on your Facebook or Twitter posts do not determine your value as a person.

“(I cannot be part of a world) where men and women are no longer identifiable; and where all this together is called freedom of choice, but for those who choose a different path-get branded as retarded despots.”  This brings to mind the most recent headline-grabber:  Manny Pacquiao and his views on homosexuality.  Now, I don’t like the guy one bit.  But as far as his views on the above-mentioned are concerned, I don’t totally disagree with him either.  Well, at least with how he said what he said.  But that’s his personal belief.  If the LGBT community are crying and demanding acceptance for who and what they are, should they also accept the fact that not everyone can and will agree with them and their lifestyle?

And the line that got to me the most was, “(I cannot be part of a world) where people forgot about love, but simply looking for the best partner.”  Have we become so “practical” in nature that the one important thing in relationships is set aside just to make whatever two people have between them function?  Women nowadays (coming from me, a guy’s perspective) want a complex insurance policy of some sorts when it comes to committing to a guy that would, one:  have stunningly good looks and good genes and brains that would ensure their offspring would have the same; and two:  have a big fat checkbook, high-paying job, or a trust fund to rely on so as to live life comfortably because they feel that they’ve “earned” (or even deserve) it.  While in some degree, that scenario is nice and ideal, but the concept of settling for sureties instead of really having a real essence of a relationship based on love, trust, honesty, attention, and caring, and both parties working hard to make it successful is really troubling to me.

I don’t know; am I rambling?  Maybe.  Is there concrete validation for such?  Most likely.  Does Mr. Reeves’ words make sense?  Absolutely.  Have we as an evolved species that should look after one another more instead of mostly ourselves, gone the deep end?  Not yet; but we’re heading there.  It is good to see though that people like him would use whatever influence he has to make us–myself, at least–stop, step back for a while, evaluate ourselves to probably see where we have fallen off into and get back on track.  After all, that’s the best characteristic any human has.  We get back up, learn from our mistakes and move forward.  He may say that he “cannot be part of a world” so and so; but maybe that’s his way of saying that we can still turn things around.