Category Archives: Emotions

rest in pieces

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“Listen to what your heart tells you.”

And that I did.  I have always followed my head–sometimes my gut–since that has been the only way that has given me some sort of sanity in the things I’ve been doing these past five years since… since the last time my heart did say something which led to me–surprise, surprise–crashing and burning.  Again.

Since then, I never thought that I would feel that way about someone ever again.  Even though that experience was not as deep as the one prior to that (which reminds me, it’s Easter today and that experience with D still remains as one of the more unforgettable ones), it helped solidify the notion that I would never find a woman who I can possibly spend the rest of my life with; that I was really born to be single.  So after practically ripping C’s name and reputation to shreds online through my ranting blog entries, I started to pick up the pieces again (or what’s left of it) and moved forward; feeling a bit smarter and wiser, and not ever expecting to stumble anymore.

I don’t know if fate is playing another one of its bad jokes on me, but the events of these last few weeks led me to feel the extreme opposites of falling for someone.  And somehow, as difficult and painful it is for me, I took it upon myself to try and walk away from it.  Not because experience taught me to second guess what I feel (I’ve never been this concrete about what and how my feelings are) about someone, but it is the right thing to do… on all fronts.  But yes, after days of denying it myself, I can–and proudly–say that I have honestly fallen in love with her.  Yes, I’m that far gone.  But as mentioned, it’s something I have to move on from and pretend like it’s only air.

But I couldn’t have fallen in love with a far better woman such as her. I’m glad that I did. The times I spent with her, doing things for her, comforting her, treating her the way she should be treated, making her flash that perfect smile which would nearly make me faint, it was all worth it.  What I felt for her was at least twice more with how I felt for D eight years ago.  And yet, the results are still the same.  And yes, it truly sucks that tears fell from my eyes for the first time since only God knows when.  I still get to see her everyday, but pretending to be normal around her and having less interactions with her would prove to be a tough act to do; but it has to be done.  I suppose the Gemini in me will come into play… frequently.

Yet my feelings for her won’t change. Not now, and not anytime soon.  All I can be for her now is someone she can trust and count on whenever she needs a friend; though I’m not expecting she would even consider that option.  I just have to be contented with whatever interaction we may have.

So did listening to my heart brought any good to me?  I would say yes because it gave me the opportunity to do what I do best:

picking up the pieces.

poetic fifteen

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Today marks 15 years when I wrote my very first poem.  I was supposed to have a new blog entry about it sometime last week, but I thought it better to have it today when that first piece of creative writing I made was put in writing.  Granted, it’s not your typical poem with all that rhyming stuff (I think it’s called free verse or something like that), but I suppose channeling all my emotions into that literary work inspired me to express myself more.  And I would like to believe that if not for creating that poem, it would not have led to me creating and maintaining my own blog.

Back then, I wasn’t much of a speaker.  I was a timid, quiet college boy who minds his own business.  I could never carry myself well speaking in front of a crowd…  yet sometimes, I was forced to.  Still, I almost always end up making a mess out of what I’m supposed to say (I stutter mostly due to big time nervousness since I don’t like all that attention focused towards me) and I end up hating myself for not doing a good job.  I guess maybe that’s why I also developed the fascination of being in radio since everyone just hears me and not see me, but that’s a different story.

I remember writing this poem about two years after I broke up with my ex (yes, that was the last time I had a real relationship).  I was already over her and was also seeing someone else.  Despite that, I was also in the midst of re-evaluating my emotional state of mind and was reflecting on what went wrong with that past relationship and how it went wrong since I wasn’t really able to talk to someone about the break-up itself.  I kept my feelings and emotions of that fateful day under wraps until I decided to just finish it off by writing about it.  I don’t really remember how long it took for me to pen it down, but once I was done, I do remember having this heavy feeling being lifted out of me.

I originally never intended for the poem to “get out,” so to speak.  I was planning to just save and include it in my prized possessions box (yes, I do have that) as something to look back to when I got older.  But a friend of mine–God rest his soul–who was one of the very few people back then who I told about that poem was creating a website during the early years of the internet age, asked me if I would like to have that poem published online.  Initially, I wasn’t exactly thrilled at the prospect of my first literary piece being read by everyone on the planet, but I figured someone else might be feeling the same thing I felt at that time, and maybe that poem is something that person can relate to.  So I agreed to have my friend a copy of the poem and it was indeed published online.  The website lasted only for a short period of time, as unknown to us who are his friends, he was already battling cancer.  Still, that was the first time I saw my work on a website.  Who knows how many have probably copied it or used it as their own, but I felt proud that my friend took appreciation to what I’ve written and thought it was worthy enough for the whole world to see.

I’ve written some more other poems after that.  Some were published, some were not.  But all of them are in my prized possessions box.  I believe this will be the third time I will be re-posting that poem since I started blogging (2007 was the last time).  I’m not sure if it will be re-posted again, but on this special occasion, I thought of posting it again for the benefit of my new blog audience–especially those who don’t want to backtrack until when I last posted this.  Looking back, yes, I sometimes find it a bit too cheesy, but hey, it was raw and pure emotion; of course it’ll end up cheesy.  Again, it’s free verse so don’t expect for it to sound all that catchy like other poems.  And I still can’t believe it has been 15 years.  Okay, so here we go:

casualty of love

by markie – written:  11:32 pm, March 12th, 1998

I’m a casualty of love
in a battle that I fought
where you have everything to gain,
and everything to lose.

I’m a casualty of love
brought by hatred and darkness,
of torment and anger
of the ever-changing foe.

I’m a casualty of love
I fought with all my strength, all my life,
with all my heart, with all my will
and yet, I failed.

I’m a casualty of love
amidst the pain repeatedly brought to me
I stood on open ground
and faced it with integrity.

I am a casualty of love
fought with odds against me
yet I never gave up
and fought till the end.

I’m a casualty of love
forever wondering what went wrong
knowing what I did was right
with the noblest of intentions.

I’m a casualty of love
with wounds that run deep
forever changing my life
with scars only you can heal.

I’m a casualty of love
dreaming of victory
and a life of happiness,
but only loneliness will come my way.

I’m a casualty of love
as I lie in defeat,
I knew I gave it my all
for her to be with me.

I couldn’t give myself to another
for she is the only one that I truly desire.
Yet there is a next time, next life perhaps
where we can be together.

And yet if I am called once again
to fight from the very start,
God only knows that this casualty of love
will never hesitate and will rise and fight once again.

two zero one two

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The holidays have always served as a thanksgiving of sorts for me.  More so, a time to reflect on what has happened to me during the past 12 months, especially as the last day of the year approaches.  This year is no different.  Although I must say with all honesty, this has been the most challenging year for me…  so far.  From being screwed over by a colleague I thought I trusted, to taking a chance at chasing a lifelong dream, to making the worst professional decision I’ve ever made, and–surprise, surprise–to still being single.

Yet unlike previous year-ender entries I have made, I’m not going to spend much time recanting stories and experiences simply because they have already been told here…  well, at least most of ’em.  Those untold ones may find their place on this blog someday, somehow.  It could be in a form of a story, or a blunt recollection of actual events.  Still, it doesn’t mean that those events are far less significant than the others.  As they say, there is a time and a place to tell everything.

I may be a bit biased when I said that this year was the most challenging for me due to events that happened during the latter part of the year.  True, but prior to those events, it was already challenging as it is.  The degree of difficulty just went up several notches.  But, being the glass half-full kind of guy that I am, I try to see what good–no matter how small–it brings me.  And much to my surprise, I discovered something in myself I never thought I’d see.  Or maybe it’s a rediscovery of something I had; that being lost along the way either because I took things for granted, or simply just got lost in the scheme of things as time went by.

At the beginning of this year, it was said that 2012 is a lucky year for those born in the year of the Dragon.  With everything that has happened to me, it was the exact opposite.  Still, things could’ve been much worse, so I’m still thankful for all the good things that came my way.  And despite what I’m going through right now, I could say that I’m still lucky in some ways.  Maybe I was destined to be where I’m at; or maybe I needed to go through what most others would not have done in a heartbeat; maybe this is all just a precursor to bigger and better things, but I don’t want to get my hopes too high just yet.  Remembering my mantra, “lowered expectations;” it’s better to be surprised in a very good way, rather than expect good things to happen, only to come crashing down hard in defeat.

As 2013 enters, I may have to make some changes to and for myself.  These are stemming from what I have learned from the previous year.  I got my hands full as it is, but these changes are well needed.  So hopefully–and with a little luck–things will go more of my way this time.  I hope that whatever changes you may need to make for yourself also bring you better things.  Let’s all welcome the new year with hope and positivity of greater things for all of us.  I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas celebration, and I’m wishing everyone a prosperous new year!

By the way, for those keeping score, I still have not yet forgiven myself.

on this day, eight years ago…

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Eight years.

Even I am quite surprised that what started out as an outlet for expressing my thoughts and feelings would last this long, with close to 290 entries in total.  Granted, I may have slowed down significantly over the past two or so years, but I think having that number of entries over that span of time is still quite a feat…  at least for me.  Other bloggers may have twice or even thrice the number over the same amount of time, but I guess the difference between me and (most of) them is that I write on impulse and feeling which is not time-bound at all.  After all, this is a personal blog.

Let’s see, I think I have written about almost anything one can think of.  Yes, more than half of my entries may be about my love life (or lack thereof), but I suppose I have touched on every subject matter I can think of.  But with all of those entries, I make it a point that it has two characteristics:  truth and honesty.  I always speak with an element of truth to what I am saying, and convey what I really feel inside.  I mean, there’s no point in maintaining a personal blog when the entries are full of outrageous or deceiving feelings and information that can be easily contradicted with realistic fact.  Unless if it is a politician’s blog, then maybe.  But I can vouch that for each and every entry I have written, it has both truth and honesty.  I could care less if I step on other people’s toes or hurt some feelings, or even challenge social or religious norms; like I have said time and again:  this is my blog, this is my space, and I can responsibly say whatever I want, whenever I want.  And I cannot imagine doing it any other way.

Seriously, has it been really that long?  I guess it really is.

Eight years, 286 entries, 189 comments, 16 categories, 100 percent truth, honesty, and most importantly, heart.

And a partridge in a pear tree.

bruised and bloodied

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It’s been a while.

While I hope to be writing again on more uplifting circumstances–especially after a long absence–I’m afraid it’s somehow the opposite.  I guess it’s because for the first time in my life, I might have done something I wish I could take back.

Don’t get me wrong, I have always lived my life without any regrets.  And that I have always believed that having regrets is like slapping the face of a teacher trying to teach you a lesson.

I suppose the old adage holds true:  “there is always a first time for everything.”  Or maybe, all of us are meant to experience this kind of situation in one way or another.  Yet I have always, always had my better judgement prevail in the midst of being faced with such difficult choices.  After all, I have gone halfway through my life experiencing almost everything a professional would encounter.  Add to that, I sought the advice and wisdom of friends and colleagues-turned-friends alike.  All of them telling me to go with the decision I made.  But let me be very clear that for the record, I am NOT in any way putting blame on them.  It was MY decision to make.  MY own.  I blame MYSELF for this.  It’s like what I tell my friends when they ask me for advice:  “I can always tell you what you want to hear, or what you need to hear.  But in the end, it’s going to be you and you alone who makes that decision.”

I honestly feel that I betrayed myself; went against my (un)written rule:  “never settle for anything less than what you truly believe you deserve to receive for yourself.”  Years of blood, sweat, and tears of getting to where I am somehow just thrown away like trash.  If there is an opposite to the term “sellout,” then that befits me rightly.

It may be that easy to say, “then just turn around, you asshole!  Why wallow in your predicament?”  If only it were that easy and complication-free.  I did what I think I had to do.  I surely do not know the reason why I did it, and right now, I’m still searching the very recesses of what’s left of my soul for answers.  I may find it, or I may not.  But now that I’m here, and what’s done is done, I just move forward.  I may not like–borderline, hate–what I did, but I am a professional.  I do what’s asked of me; use my expertise, knowledge and wisdom I have acquired over the years and be better.  I’ll deal with it, like what I have always done in life.

All of that was two weeks ago.  Since then, I’ve been picking up the pieces of my pride, ego, and better judgement that received a major ass-whooping from, who else, myself.  I guess being a Gemini has it’s benefits.  My other side is carrying me through each and every day.  Only time will really tell if I’ll ever forgive myself.

Yet, maybe there’s a deeper reason why I am where I am.  Fate?  Chance?  Part of the life program?  A higher power at work?  Who knows?  All I do know right now is that I made my own shitload of a mess, and I’m the only one who can and will clean it up.