Category Archives: Emotions

Searching (in more ways than one)

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Disclaimer: this entry may end up as an incoherent rambling on my part as I type what’s exactly on my mind the moment I come up with it (like I always do whenever I write my entries). This is probably more personal than anything I’ve ever written (from my recollection). I just need to get this off, so don’t expect any structure in what I’m about to say. I’ve had no alcohol as well since I was told to not consume any for seven days after getting my first vaccine dose (alcohol while I’m writing makes my train of thought go smoothly, or so I’ve recently discovered). So, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

About a few weeks ago, my colleagues and I had a session about “finding your why’s” where we shared our life experiences. The objective was for each one to know more about the other’s personalities; why we are the way we are, and basically, why we work in a certain style or manner. And for us to really understand our own selves and therefore be able to fully come to terms with the reason(s) why we are here, we had to go back to the beginning. Literally. Because what one may see as different or separate life events that we go through, they are actually connected; not by time, but subconsciously through our actions as we go through those events.

In going through that retrospective (which wasn’t easy, by the way), I was able to unearth things that I thought I’ve long forgotten, both good and bad (more of the latter). By carefully going through each phase in my life, it’s like re-living the past and seeing what my actions have done to shape the life I’m living now. Does that mean I have misgivings or regrets about the bad decisions I’ve made? No, not one bit. Does that mean I have learned from my mistakes? Yes and no. “No” because there still are that I continue to make for some reason (don’t we all?). All of my colleagues who had their turn to share their life experiences were able to find their why’s and put it in a statement (which could therefore be synonymous with “life purpose”). Being the most senior member of the management team with the most life experiences, you’d think I’d have one too, right?

No.

Which actually surprised me. And at the same time, had me at a loss. To think I’ve been carrying that around for weeks now, trying to figure out–no pun intended–why? Even now as I write this, there’s that void somewhere in the recesses of my head where I should have that “why” or purpose wherein I could be able to go and check to remind myself each and every day. But there isn’t. And as I continue to write this, I don’t see myself any closer to finding it out.

Those who know me well can say that I am the personification of a Gemini. And those who know me too well can say what one side of the twin has made me done in life or what it can be capable of doing; same goes with the other side. I am by no means a saint. and I don’t claim myself to be a fiend either. There’s that endless battle between that angel and demon on my shoulders. Due to my upbringing, the angel has more victories, and continues to have the upper hand. But whatever wins the demon has, have created such an impact that it eats up probably around four or five angel wins. And yet, there are those few and far in-between times that both of them either call a truce, or actually agree on something. Why am I saying this? Because it’s a huge part of who I am. And maybe by affirming that, I can probably be one step closer to what I’m trying to find out. Maybe.

Now, imagine an introvert who actually enjoys working with people. That’s me too. From my very first job to where I am now, it’s always dealing with people. Whether it be customers, colleagues, or even the other workers in a company, I never thought I would actually be comfortable in a people-oriented setting. To think I was very shy growing up and uneasy being in groups of people. I never raised my hand in class recitations, or volunteered for show-and-tell. And when I do get selected, I’d always have stage fright. Up until now, I still get an uncomfortable feeling talking up on stage in front of a crowd when asked to despite coming off as articulate or well-prepared (I’d rather not be on that stage at all). Maybe that’s why I wanted to become a radio DJ since they’re by themselves just playing music, and even though they talk to people, it’s not in front of them. And yet, people are essential in my current line of work. Now one would think that while I’ve been living by myself for more than two years now and working from home for almost more than a year and a half, I should be enjoying this, right? Well, it’s quite the opposite as I miss the personal interaction with my team members and colleagues. Weird, right? Go back to the previous paragraph of being a Gemini. This applies to that as well.

Here comes probably the saddest or most personal part of my retrospective-slash-realization: I’m either demotivated or uninspired. Maybe both. Why? You tell me. Maybe the whole work-from-home setup is just too damn long. Not that I want to go back to working in the office right now, but I’ve always said that for me to maintain a healthy balance, I have to separate work from life. Pre-pandemic, that only means I drive to the office, put on my work hat and work my ass off. Once work is done, I take my work hat off, drive out of the office and have a life (however and whatever that may be) and not even think about work. Setting and atmosphere are huge essentials in having balance. These days, my work laptop being strictly out of sight on weekends just doesn’t work anymore even though I still put it away. And yet, I still need to work because my teams depend on me. And they are great people to work with. Outside of that, I’m in my mid-40s with no personal future in sight. I’ve long accepted the fact that I’ll probably die alone (seriously), yet there are times where I’d imagine what my life would be right now if I had someone. Most likely, it would be a lot different. Hell, I wouldn’t be writing this entry right now, that’s for sure. I often ask myself these two questions: “is there something wrong with me?” and “will I ever be enough?” When it comes to relationships, the one thing that I can truly say that I am good and proud of, is taking care of someone. What about incompatibility, you ask? Well, Geminis are known to work extremely hard to make relationships work, doing whatever they can. Particularly this Gemini. Yet no one is taking a chance on me. At least, no one who I wanted or loved. They all bailed saying, “I’m too good for them,” or something like that. And don’t tell me to settle for someone or play matchmaker just for me to get someone and be with someone. It just doesn’t work that way for me. I should probably get a dog instead.

Only time will tell if all that I’ve said here will help me, or bury me even further. The angel and demon both agree that doing this was right though. It’s just a matter of who will probably benefit the most. Going back to that sharing session, I ultimately said that I’m still finding my why; but what matters to me right now are the people I work with, the people closest to me, and the connections and relationships I have with them. They’re the ones helping my sanity stay delicately intact right now. To think a new work week is about to start and I still have pending items. I’ll be needing all the luck in the world–and beyond–for that.

In closing, let me leave everyone with two quotes that I’ve been keeping in mind often. They’re not my personal whys in any shape or form, but it’s something I could always draw something from. These two could probably sum up what kind of person I am. The first one goes,

“it’s nice to be important, but it’s more important to be nice.”

That, in a nutshell, speaks to me of humility in everything. Second one is,

“a person’s greatest emotional need is to feel appreciated.”

No explanation there; hence I always try to take care of people, especially those I care deeply about, the only way I know how. Even though they don’t necessarily do the same for me.

Have a good week ahead, everyone.

The Girl Who Broke Me (a.k.a the greatest love I never got to have) (Part II)

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The last time I wrote about you, I was coming from a place of hurt and anguish. I needed to get that out, believing it was the right thing to do. And in some aspects, it was. I never really expressed that kind of anger before; or maybe I wasn’t really good at it. But yes, writing that piece somehow gave me that sense of closure I longed for. Something that I thought can be obtained by a decent conversation between us. But for some reason, you never wanted any part of it believing it was a non-issue. So I wrote what I wrote despite significant time having passed of us not communicating. A small part of me still thinks it wasn’t necessary, but that doesn’t mean I have regrets. And I honestly thought that would be the very last one… until today.

Early this morning, I unexpectedly found out something about you. I was shocked, to tell you the truth. And during the first minute upon seeing that, it felt heavy and numb inside at the same time. I guess it was just a matter of time, but I never imagined it to happen so soon; especially after the last time we saw each other four months ago where I thought there was a chance for us. But who am I kidding, right? You never changed. You treated me the same all those years ago, and despite the distance I tried hard to keep from you for close to three years, somehow, you managed to find your way and tug at my strings again at the beginning of this year. I was foolish to think that somehow you’ve changed and probably realized what you were missing out. And just after about a month, it was like 2013 to 2016 all over again.

Yet somehow, despite the numbness and shock I first felt when I saw what I saw, I tried to remember how I felt when I saw the same thing happen to you twice before. And I realized that this one didn’t hurt as much back then. Maybe because I had probably finally given up on the thought of us after what happened early this year. That despite in some small way and me hoping against the tiniest hope that you’d come around and see how great we can be together, nothing will ever come out of it.

In exasperation, I surprisingly turned to the man upstairs. I know I haven’t had a good relationship with him over the last couple of years, yet I found myself uttering these words: “it’s all up to you. Please take good care of her. You know how she’s the love of my life and how I felt–how I still feel–about her. I only wish and hope that she gets the happiness that I know I could have given her, if not more. Please, just let her be finally happy… even at my own expense.” With how he probably hates my guts right now, I’m pretty sure that my words were clearly heard and will be acted upon. Instantly.

In what was probably an added insult to injury (or probably a bad joke of fate), this morning’s road trip took me to somewhere the two of us frequented before, upon the unwitting suggestion of a friend. Most of the drive was all too familiar, and had me reminiscing those precious and unforgettable times we took those trips there. Probably it’s fate’s way of performing another closure for me. And I really hope that this time, there’d be no more cracks because I’m just too fucking tired of playing that game. Yes, that same game even though I’m having an eye for someone right now. It just won’t happen because that person will never take a chance on me in spite of, well, everything I’ve done.

So on my sixth shot of whisky (or probably seventh? I lost count while conjuring up the will to write this–good thing I don’t have work tomorrow) and third bottle of beer, I raise a toast to her (and I sincerely mean this, by the way): it doesn’t matter what you did to me, or didn’t because nothing could now change those anyway. To your happiness. May it be the one that warms your heart and soul everyday; may it make you constantly beam that smile and melt him the way it has always melted me whenever I see it; may it make you feel secure and not having an ounce of doubt; and may it radiate upon you always so that you’ll never shed a single tear of sadness. This is the happiness I want for you. May it last.

Have a good week ahead, everyone.

Midyear Feels

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I was talking to a friend a little over a week ago. It’s been a while since we last spoke, and spent probably half the entire time catching up over what has been going on in our own lives since the pandemic started. We’ve both been lucky to survive thus far and doing fairly well in our respective careers; though I’ve always admired the resilience this person has in the midst of what came their way, and I tend to draw inspiration whenever similar things happen to me. And just like me, this person has been single for quite a while, so naturally, the conversation shifted to the matters of the heart.

“You’ve had experience in this area,” the friend started off. Then came the swing: “so what do you do when you fall for someone you know can’t be yours?” I was quite dumbfounded with the question. “Well, I can’t answer that thoroughly unless you provide me some context,” I answered after what seemed to me like a half-minute of silence.

Turns out, my friend has fallen for a colleague. “Is it your boss? Your peer? Or one of your directs?” I prodded. “Does it matter?” The friend replied. “I sure as hell know you’ve experienced falling for each one at separate points in time, right? Right?” came the pressing question. I suddenly got that sinking feeling in my stomach. Friend was right. Over my colorful professional life, I’ve had my fair share of attempting to mix business with pleasure. Keyword: attempt. And at that moment, all of those memories flashed back right in front of my eyes.

“Yes, I did; and I handled all of them in different ways. But, one thing was the same for all three of them: the result. You remember me telling you those, right?” I told the friend with a sigh. “Oh, yeah,” came the reply. “And how did it come about?” I asked. “Not good. Not good at all,” was the answer back.

I felt the tone of sadness that came with that answer and sensed deflation in the sigh that followed afterward. “Look, each person is different. Maybe what happened to me may not happen with you, so you’ll never know,” was my follow up, trying to give some sense of friendly assurance. “So c’mon, tell me everything.”

My friend laid out the whole story and current situation to me for about a little over five minutes with me intently listening. I found some similarities in some of the bits and pieces of the story in each of the experiences I’ve had, so I can definitely relate. Understanding that my friend knows I write on my blog; and knowing I sometimes use conversations as material, out of respect, I promised not to elaborate or tell that story here. But I definitely felt the predicament my friend was going through as the story ended up to where they are now.

“So, what do you think? Or more importantly, what should I do?” The exasperation in my friend’s voice was very telling. I could tell that the feeling for that colleague was deep, but not that deep. Yet. Recalling some of the things I did and didn’t do in the situations I experienced, it was hard to come up with a straight answer. Yet my friend appreciated the honesty and directness I was able to provide, quipping, “as you always do.” Our conversation ended with the promise of getting together over a meal and some drinks once curfew hours start later than when they do currently.

So what did I tell my friend?

We’ve always been told that “love conquers all.” Whether it be in books, songs, TV series, movies, and some real-life stories, the power of love can and will prevail against all odds, professionalism included. But the reality is, not always. No matter how sincere and pure our intentions are, or how you think you’re destined to be together, or how “it just feels right, like a hand to a glove,” not all people ride off happily ever after. In this particular setting, I don’t know what needs to be done. I’ve taken the risk of coming clean, and got my heart broken. I’ve also opted to stay in the sidelines, and got my heart broken too. So you may ask, which then, is the lesser of the two? Definitely loving the person from afar. You do what you can without going overboard. You do the little things that make the person happy, you savor every conversation you have, time seemingly stands still whenever you pass by one another, and there will be times when you have to stop yourself from messaging the person, even if it’s just small talk. You condition yourself and your mind that what you do from a distance is enough. You catch yourself lovingly staring at the person, knowing that’s all you can do because you’ll risk losing everything if you cross the barrier. And you must always ask yourself from a practical standpoint, “is it really worth the risk?” 9 times out of 10, the answer is no. Because sometimes, loving a person is putting respect of the current situation front and center before your own emotions. That’s probably the most selfless thing you can do. And if that doesn’t portray what true love is, then I don’t know what does.

There. No wonder unrequited love is my forte.

Have a good week ahead, everyone.

Hello, old friend

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Some say that in revisiting an old hobby, you’d never know what to expect. It could be scary, especially if you haven’t done it for quite a while and you’re afraid to mess it up or not follow through; it could be therapeutic, if you’re undergoing a lot of stress lately. It could also be overwhelming, if you’re trying too much or too hard; or it could be a re-discovery of yourself when you think or realize you don’t know where you’re headed.

When I was a kid, I loved reading. From the 15 volumes of “Charlie Brown’s ‘Cyclopedia” and the entire 1988 edition of World Book Encyclopedia, to Norton Juster’s “The Phantom Tollbooth” and the “Choose Your Own Adventure” series, reading fueled my imagination. which is as vivid today as it was back then. But as I grew older, reading stories told by other people started to lose its luster. The excitement is still there; but for some reason, reading for me had become more of a way to pass the time idly. I still do read from time to time, but not as much as way back then. I tried to revive reading some years ago. I got the first four books of “Game of Thrones” but never got halfway through the first one. Same with Roland Lazenby’s “Michael Jordan: The Life” (which was actually a gift). It just wasn’t the same.

As I slowly started to lose interest in reading, I tried to find something else to fill the void. By then, I was in college but had no idea where to start. I was always shy around other people during my growing up years (and sometimes, even up until now). I remember one time during an English class when I was called to recite about how we spent our semestral break, I couldn’t get a single word out. I mean, I knew what to say, I just couldn’t put together the words. We were then told to write it down, and I was able to fill an entire sheet of yellow pad paper in minutes. Since then, in answering questions on tests and exams that require an essay, I would almost always lack space in writing them; not to mention running out of time. I then initially thought that I found something I may be good at: writing a paper based on research and explaining material we were asked to read. And that slowly became something I was looking forward to.

I never thought of doing creative writing… until I fell in love. I started writing poems. Of course they were disgustingly cheesy since I was exploring putting unabashed, flying-on-cloud-nine emotions into a literary piece that was trying to make her heart flutter. Yet ironically, what kicked my creative writing into overdrive was when I got my heart broken for the first time, I wrote poem after poem about how I loved her, and the misery I felt in losing her. Some of my friends were able to read those, and the feedback I got was surprisingly positive. They never thought I was capable of poetry. So I continued to write and write. Some of those are immortalized on this blog, you just have to dig deep and find them. But there are those that may have been entirely lost since I wasn’t able to keep a copy of them, especially the first few ones (ugh, damn it).

As I started my professional career, my poetry-writing started to decline. Although I’d still write here and there, I then thought, “what’s next?” The idea of having a journal wasn’t really that appealing to me since at that time, it was an unwritten rule or requirement that you have to write something on a daily basis if you do decide to have one (plus the fact that having a physical journal at home containing your unguarded feelings is not entirely safe from your parents). The internet age was just starting at that time, and little did I know what that had in store for me. It was around early 2004 when the notion of having an online journal hit me. I didn’t know much about going online (okay, except for Friendster), but having a personal computer at home suddenly made me realize that I can digitally save whatever I write since the folks don’t know much about accessing files on a computer. So I started to write based on what I felt at that time. I almost always had no drafts, nor made edits along the way or before I published them; I wrote about topics and subjects free flowingly as they came to mind. I also wrote poems, trying to see if I still can do so. Again, some of them–if not most–are published here.

Since then, I’ve had several incarnations of my blog. Twitter and Facebook introduced me to micro-blogging which then became more effective for me, so I found myself slowly ditching the long-form of blogging. I became so active in Facebook posting whatever comes to mind. From politics, to what I was doing at that moment; to interview (horror) stories and current events. I “quit” Facebook in 2016 after another heartbreak, and, looking back at it now, I’m thankful I did. What started as a social media break eventually turned to a sabbatical, in which stepping away made me see how the world has changed dramatically since that year. And though I had several dances and skirmishes with so-called affairs of the heart since then, it never really rekindled my passion for writing. The few entries I’ve had over the last five years are testament to an attempt to reignite that old passion I had. Some of them are really bad, but I prefer not to delete them just to make me see where I was during those times. I have no regrets posting them (nor have any regrets about anything in my life), since they still came from deep inside. And for me, that’s the most important thing in expressing yourself. Being brutally honest, if need be.

So here I am again. Full circle. Again. I’ve said on previous entries that I’d be posting more often, but end up not doing so. I won’t make that same promise; but the one thing I can do is, whenever I can, to post from the heart… or whatever you call this thing that’s pumping blood through my veins. All I know is that I’m currently going through something. And writing about it may be a form of therapy. When you’re caught in between something you know and something you feel and they are on the opposite sides of the spectrum, but they’re both right, you have one big clusterfuck on your hands. Or maybe it’s just me being a Gemini: having that little angel and devil on my shoulder constantly arguing about who and what’s right. At least I’m writing about it. Or at least some semblance of it. For now, this would have to do.

And as I down my final shot of whisky in concluding this journal entry, I raise this toast that I heard being said somewhere before: “to unspoken words of affection that continue to keep you anchored down, may they one day be set free to discover the possibilities of happiness, or forever be chained in the name of keeping the peace.” Whatever that means.

Good to see you, old friend. Let’s try to make this a regular thing, shall we? Starting with this one.

Happy Easter, everyone.

a whimpering and sputtering finish… with a glimmer of hope

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It’s ironic that my entry before this was all about faith, or my leap from it. And just a few weeks after posting that entry, the entire world was plunged into a tailspin unseen or unheard of, that even faith couldn’t make a dent on an invisible enemy. And as we celebrate this year’s holiday season, taking stock of what we still have now means more than ever before… maybe in our entire lives.

Who would’ve thought that a virus would literally shut down the world and our modern way of life? I mean, we’ve had outbreaks before; from SARS to Avian Flu, Mad Cow disease to Ebola. Yet mankind has managed to render them under control. It makes one wonder: does progress always have inherent consequences? Is this mother nature’s way of fighting back man’s continued disdain and wanton abuse of Earth’s natural resources?

That may be the bigger picture. But this pandemic touched every single one of us. It forced us to throw out the current life playbook we have and made us stand still… literally and figuratively. And with that, jobs were lost, livelihoods were halted, families were torn apart, sanities went haywire, wheels stopped turning, and every healthcare system in the world was stretched to breaking points again and again.

But amidst all that, adversity breeds resourcefulness and most importantly, resilience. And as the world slowly starts to receive the first doses of the Covid19 vaccine, we end 2020 with a small sliver of light coming from 2021 which all of us are fervently hoping is the year we start to recover. It’s by no means a sure thing that we’ll go back to how things were before all this went down, but it’s better to be up on one knee than our faces planted flat on the ground.

Just like everyone else, this year has tested me in ways I couldn’t have imagined. Physically, emotionally, psychologically, and emotionally. Yet I’m extremely thankful for a select few people outside my family for helping me keep things in perspective, for being an inspiration, and providing a relief from the doldrums of living alone. I’ll be forever grateful for them being in my life during this time.

If you’re asking where my faith has been throughout all of this, well, it’s right where it should be. Refer to my previous entry if you’re still confused. In any case, I’m as grateful and thankful as can be for surviving this year. I probably couldn’t have made it without certain people in my life, so they’re a huge part of my 2020 chapter. And as I turn the next pages in 2021, I’ll continue to stand by them as they stood by me. No matter what happens.

This year’s Christmas may be the most different, difficult, and subdued one we’ll ever have. But nonetheless, it’s always good to take stock of what we still have, what we’ve accomplished, and look forward to what’s in store; no matter how the pandemic affected us.

Merry Christmas, everyone.