Category Archives: Love

typing whatever comes to mind… and heart

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17 years…  of being single.

Being in this state for that long means being focused on myself; which means having more time for, loving and taking care of myself.

I mean, isn’t that what’s necessary in order to–as they say–be “able to love others?”

So in the event that I fall in love with someone and start thinking and caring more about that person than myself, is that a bad thing?  Unless I missed Basic Love 101, my understanding is that when you love someone, you think less of yourself and more of the person you love.

Let’s see; parents do that.  Siblings do that.  Friends do that.  Heck, even Jesus Christ did that.  Am I not allowed to do the same?

Friends, acquaintances, and even colleagues accuse me of being “choosy.”  I did not choose the women I fell in love with.  If I did, my life would have been an entirely different story.

It has also been said that love chooses you.  And I’m proud and honest enough to say that it did.  It really did.  Every time.  I always thought being chosen was somehow exciting and means that I am deserving.  I suppose I didn’t read the fine print where it says “hurt inevitably follows.”

I never intended nor wanted to be in this situation.  Yet here I am… again; and for some reason, I cannot get out…  no matter what I do.

I’m still trying to wrap my head around the length of time on my first line.  I would’ve finished nursery, elementary, and high school again in that time frame… with extra time to spare.

An interesting Bible passage from Luke 6:32 reads, “if you love only the people who love you, why should you receive a blessing?”  I guess that pretty much sums up the situation I’m in right now.  And I’m not getting anything…  yet.

Okay, so I’m quoting Bible passages now.  So sue me.

Am I a bad person?

Some people who know me, see me as “not having a single ‘bad bone’ within me.”  Is that bad?

That being said, is there something wrong with who, what, and how I am as a person?

I suck at not being nice, or even being bad.  I suppose in some ways, that’s good.

Did I do something wrong to deserve this?  If I did, isn’t 17 years enough time to pay for it?

All I can say is this:  if this is just an infatuation or just a crush, then why am I discovering and rediscovering things about myself that I never thought either I have, or am capable of doing?

If I looked at the kind of person who I was from four or five months ago, I wouldn’t have recognized myself.  That’s the kind of change I went through…  all because of one person.

Yet, I have been–and always will be–someone who keeps reality in the picture.

What I can do now is just enjoy the ride…  wherever it takes me.

And take whatever I can get along the way.

If it leads to what I’m fervently wishing for, then I’d be forever grateful.  Every damn day.

And finally say to myself that I am truly “happy.”

But if it leads to somewhere familiar, well…  I’ll cross the bridge when I get there; but I’ll still be grateful.  Seriously.

Of course, pain is and will be a part of it.  I’m human after all.

But there will be no regrets.  No what if’s.

Only with hopes that whoever that lucky person is feels exactly like I do and will do exactly what I would do just to make her not shed anymore tears, or make her doubt about that person’s sincerity.  That’s enough.

And I’ll just fade into the sunset.

But until then, know this:  maybe in the eyes of other people–whether we both know them or are complete strangers to us, I may not be doing the right thing.  You yourself may shove that same notion in my face all day, everyday.  But I have always, always shown respect to whatever personal situation you’ve always had.  That is why I never, ever went beyond what I know are my boundaries.  All I did was show you who I am, the man you can depend on, be the voice of reason in times of despair, someone’s shoulder to cry on, treat you like the queen you should be, and see you not just the kind of woman who you were and are, but what more you can be beyond the smartness, caring, passionate, beautiful (with a killer smile to boot), sweet, ambitious, and driven person you are now.  And if all that equates to me loving you from the sidelines (with wishes and hopes of being front and center someday, somehow despite the enormous odds), then I am damn guilty as charged.

After saying all that, now I don’t know what kind of ending to have for this entry.

Maybe I’ll just make it simple.

I miss you.  I love you.  I’ll always be here for you.

Goodnight, beautiful.

#youknowwhoyouare

one heartfelt wish

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Prologue:  This will serve as an “unofficial reboot” of some sorts to my last entry.  Just mere minutes after publishing that one, a chain of events have unfolded which led me to… how would I say it… have a “change of heart” (pun intended).  Nevertheless, I still stood by what I wrote before, and since I’m human, I’m also allowed to change my mind sometimes; and this is one of them.

In a little over 30 days, I again turn another year older.  As I’ve mentioned before, I am a big fan of birthdays; just not my own anymore.  Because over the last decade or more, I have always made other people special when my birthday comes.  I throw parties (in which I obligatory do the spending, and it’s mostly for my family and relatives since they’re the closest to me), soaked up other people’s well-wishes, drank myself to a stupor, or practically did whatever the hell I wanted (within reason, of course).  But two things remained constant year after year:  one, I have not received a physical birthday gift since the early part of 2000 (if my memory serves me right, and yes, birthday cards do NOT count–at least for me; I consider that the thought, not a gift); and two, of course, I’m still single.

I don’t mind not getting any birthday gifts.  I’ve probably gotten used to that over time.  Maybe people throwing a party for me (and not me doing all the spending) would be something nice to experience at least once; but at this stage of my life, seeing most–if not all–my same-aged friends and schoolmates posting pictures online being with their significant others, or having their own families made me think, “am I ever, ever going to be like them?”

Those who really know me up close and personal know how my “love story” goes (if one would ever call it that).  I have fallen in love, was taken for granted, and gotten hurt several times but none even came close to having a real relationship after the last one I had back in ’95-’96.  It’s like I’ve mastered the art of picking up the pieces, falling in love with the wrong woman (always), and being that friend with benefits or the “meantime guy.”  It may be okay during the first few times, but like everything else, it too gets old.  So after having that episode five years ago with the last woman who I tried to pursue (who eventually took advantage of my attitude and ended up being torn to pieces online), not to mention the woman who I last fell in love with in 2004, I thought to myself that the next woman who I will seriously have feelings for, will be it; that she will be the last great risk I’ll have my battered, pieced-up, and tired heart taking.  I honestly never thought that would ever happen despite me continuing to go through the dating scene.  Or so I thought.

So here I am now in this situation again.  But there’s something different.  Really, really different.  The feelings I have for this woman right now is much more than what I’ve experienced before.  And that makes me more scared and excited at the same time.  More than I can imagine.  She makes me have butterflies in my stomach every time we’re together.  She makes my darkest days disappear whenever I see her.  She is my second wind when I feel exhausted.  And she makes me miss her terribly when we’re apart.  I could honestly say that I have never felt this way before.  But looking at the bigger picture, it won’t likely end well for me.  Again.  It’s the proverbial scenario where I have everything to gain and nothing to lose.  But I guess for me to risk every single one of whatever chips my heart has left, I still have something to lose.  And yet for me to feel this way is something I’m very thankful for.  It made me realize that I still have something left in the realm of giving myself to the one who I know (and if all goes well) will make me very happy and finally break that spell of me being single.  Fate has tested me.  Fate is still testing me.  And I’m calling the bluff.

So what does all that have to do with my month-away birthday?  Simple.  If I could have just one gift, just one; one that afterward, I would promise to never, ever have to ask for anything again, is for things to end up happily between us.  I have shown her who and what I am as a person, and what I am capable of doing for her.  Yes, this is me; here I am, pleading to the universe to conspire to have us end up being together.  I suppose I have done lots of good things to other people in my life over the years (including hers) and that I am hoping for some good luck to come my way at least once.  I know that she is the one for me.  Otherwise, I would not have felt this way.  This is whatever is left of me and my heart, and that I would do anything just to make her happy or see her smile and not make her shed a single tear of sadness or feel an ounce of neglect; that I will always be there for her, support her, fight for her and always be proud of her; and that I’d risk my own dreams being fulfilled just to see hers realized, and give up my own happiness in order for her to be treated the way she deserves to be.

And if I’m still not worthy of such a gift, then at least make her feel everything that I just said with someone who will do exactly the same for her.  And I will still do what I have promised, not to ask for anything again.

Though a party for me without me spending anything would be a nice fallback.  Just kidding.

rest in pieces

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“Listen to what your heart tells you.”

And that I did.  I have always followed my head–sometimes my gut–since that has been the only way that has given me some sort of sanity in the things I’ve been doing these past five years since… since the last time my heart did say something which led to me–surprise, surprise–crashing and burning.  Again.

Since then, I never thought that I would feel that way about someone ever again.  Even though that experience was not as deep as the one prior to that (which reminds me, it’s Easter today and that experience with D still remains as one of the more unforgettable ones), it helped solidify the notion that I would never find a woman who I can possibly spend the rest of my life with; that I was really born to be single.  So after practically ripping C’s name and reputation to shreds online through my ranting blog entries, I started to pick up the pieces again (or what’s left of it) and moved forward; feeling a bit smarter and wiser, and not ever expecting to stumble anymore.

I don’t know if fate is playing another one of its bad jokes on me, but the events of these last few weeks led me to feel the extreme opposites of falling for someone.  And somehow, as difficult and painful it is for me, I took it upon myself to try and walk away from it.  Not because experience taught me to second guess what I feel (I’ve never been this concrete about what and how my feelings are) about someone, but it is the right thing to do… on all fronts.  But yes, after days of denying it myself, I can–and proudly–say that I have honestly fallen in love with her.  Yes, I’m that far gone.  But as mentioned, it’s something I have to move on from and pretend like it’s only air.

But I couldn’t have fallen in love with a far better woman such as her. I’m glad that I did. The times I spent with her, doing things for her, comforting her, treating her the way she should be treated, making her flash that perfect smile which would nearly make me faint, it was all worth it.  What I felt for her was at least twice more with how I felt for D eight years ago.  And yet, the results are still the same.  And yes, it truly sucks that tears fell from my eyes for the first time since only God knows when.  I still get to see her everyday, but pretending to be normal around her and having less interactions with her would prove to be a tough act to do; but it has to be done.  I suppose the Gemini in me will come into play… frequently.

Yet my feelings for her won’t change. Not now, and not anytime soon.  All I can be for her now is someone she can trust and count on whenever she needs a friend; though I’m not expecting she would even consider that option.  I just have to be contented with whatever interaction we may have.

So did listening to my heart brought any good to me?  I would say yes because it gave me the opportunity to do what I do best:

picking up the pieces.

poetic fifteen

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Today marks 15 years when I wrote my very first poem.  I was supposed to have a new blog entry about it sometime last week, but I thought it better to have it today when that first piece of creative writing I made was put in writing.  Granted, it’s not your typical poem with all that rhyming stuff (I think it’s called free verse or something like that), but I suppose channeling all my emotions into that literary work inspired me to express myself more.  And I would like to believe that if not for creating that poem, it would not have led to me creating and maintaining my own blog.

Back then, I wasn’t much of a speaker.  I was a timid, quiet college boy who minds his own business.  I could never carry myself well speaking in front of a crowd…  yet sometimes, I was forced to.  Still, I almost always end up making a mess out of what I’m supposed to say (I stutter mostly due to big time nervousness since I don’t like all that attention focused towards me) and I end up hating myself for not doing a good job.  I guess maybe that’s why I also developed the fascination of being in radio since everyone just hears me and not see me, but that’s a different story.

I remember writing this poem about two years after I broke up with my ex (yes, that was the last time I had a real relationship).  I was already over her and was also seeing someone else.  Despite that, I was also in the midst of re-evaluating my emotional state of mind and was reflecting on what went wrong with that past relationship and how it went wrong since I wasn’t really able to talk to someone about the break-up itself.  I kept my feelings and emotions of that fateful day under wraps until I decided to just finish it off by writing about it.  I don’t really remember how long it took for me to pen it down, but once I was done, I do remember having this heavy feeling being lifted out of me.

I originally never intended for the poem to “get out,” so to speak.  I was planning to just save and include it in my prized possessions box (yes, I do have that) as something to look back to when I got older.  But a friend of mine–God rest his soul–who was one of the very few people back then who I told about that poem was creating a website during the early years of the internet age, asked me if I would like to have that poem published online.  Initially, I wasn’t exactly thrilled at the prospect of my first literary piece being read by everyone on the planet, but I figured someone else might be feeling the same thing I felt at that time, and maybe that poem is something that person can relate to.  So I agreed to have my friend a copy of the poem and it was indeed published online.  The website lasted only for a short period of time, as unknown to us who are his friends, he was already battling cancer.  Still, that was the first time I saw my work on a website.  Who knows how many have probably copied it or used it as their own, but I felt proud that my friend took appreciation to what I’ve written and thought it was worthy enough for the whole world to see.

I’ve written some more other poems after that.  Some were published, some were not.  But all of them are in my prized possessions box.  I believe this will be the third time I will be re-posting that poem since I started blogging (2007 was the last time).  I’m not sure if it will be re-posted again, but on this special occasion, I thought of posting it again for the benefit of my new blog audience–especially those who don’t want to backtrack until when I last posted this.  Looking back, yes, I sometimes find it a bit too cheesy, but hey, it was raw and pure emotion; of course it’ll end up cheesy.  Again, it’s free verse so don’t expect for it to sound all that catchy like other poems.  And I still can’t believe it has been 15 years.  Okay, so here we go:

casualty of love

by markie – written:  11:32 pm, March 12th, 1998

I’m a casualty of love
in a battle that I fought
where you have everything to gain,
and everything to lose.

I’m a casualty of love
brought by hatred and darkness,
of torment and anger
of the ever-changing foe.

I’m a casualty of love
I fought with all my strength, all my life,
with all my heart, with all my will
and yet, I failed.

I’m a casualty of love
amidst the pain repeatedly brought to me
I stood on open ground
and faced it with integrity.

I am a casualty of love
fought with odds against me
yet I never gave up
and fought till the end.

I’m a casualty of love
forever wondering what went wrong
knowing what I did was right
with the noblest of intentions.

I’m a casualty of love
with wounds that run deep
forever changing my life
with scars only you can heal.

I’m a casualty of love
dreaming of victory
and a life of happiness,
but only loneliness will come my way.

I’m a casualty of love
as I lie in defeat,
I knew I gave it my all
for her to be with me.

I couldn’t give myself to another
for she is the only one that I truly desire.
Yet there is a next time, next life perhaps
where we can be together.

And yet if I am called once again
to fight from the very start,
God only knows that this casualty of love
will never hesitate and will rise and fight once again.

up and back down again

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“thank you for waiting, enjoy your coffee,” said the lady behind the counter as she presented him with his order. “thank you,” he replied back, took the tray and headed to the mezzanine. he had driven almost two hours uphill from the city to the coffee shop overlooking the most fantastic view he had ever seen. a gust of cool breeze welcomed him as he exited the staircase while scanning the area for a place to sit. the mezzanine was half-empty so he went to the far end to settle down so he can take a better look at the scenery. “nothing like inhaling fresh air,” he said to himself as he inhaled some of the cool air surrounding him while surveying nature’s glory before calmly sitting down. he then took out a pack of cigarettes from his pocket and started to look inside to see how many he has left. “this seems just about right,” he uttered as he took one and lit it up. after making his first puff, he leaned back on the chair and held the cup of coffee in the other hand, as his thoughts began to wander.

“looks like you need some company,” a female voice suddenly blurted, piercing the calm serenity he was in.

“no, not really, but i guess it wouldn’t hurt,” he replied as he motioned the lady to the chair opposite him.

“thanks,” she said back as she took her seat. “great view, isn’t it?” she added. “i always try to come up here when things get too rough back in the metro. it’s kinda like a retreat for me.” he still was looking at the view as her comments went by.

“i take it you often come up here?” he then asked, breaking the uneasy silence she didn’t quite expect.

“at least i try to, with all the things going on in my life right now. i barely have time for myself,” she said as she paused to sip on her ordered beverage. “how about you?” she asked.

he let out a soft, short chuckle as she ended her question. “i haven’t been here for quite some time,” he then answered. “at least i hoped i would be coming back after the last time i was here, but…” he trailed off, not wanting to reveal so much to the stranger in front of him.

she slowly nodded, realizing what he was talking about. she then reached for her purse and went through her things as if she was looking for something. “lost something here, too?” he jokingly asked, noticing her fidgeting among her things inside her purse.

“no, i think i may have run out of cigarettes,” she answered back, frustrated as she kept looking inside.

“here, it’s my last one,” he said as he handed the pack with the last stick inside. “you can have it.”

“are you sure?” she reluctantly asked. “yeah, go ahead,” he insisted.

“thanks,” she said, taking the pack. “don’t worry, i won’t ask for a light,” she added as she took out her lighter.

another period of silence came. breaking the uneasy ambience again, she asked, “why are you here then?”

he did not answer immediately. it was either he wasn’t sure of what to say, or if he would even answer the question at all. he surely wasn’t about to reveal some things about himself to this woman, yet at the back of his mind, maybe this was something that he wanted. or, that he needed. after all, he was almost certain that nothing else would happen that would’ve made things a lot easier for him–or a lot simpler that it would have made complete sense. then, at that exact time, he wondered what was the real reason he came back to that place, though he told himself that the next time he would come back, it would be with that person whom he shared almost everything with, except that person took them and ran away with it, leaving him in the dust yet again.

“i came back here because of a promise, a promise made to me,” he said as he tried to look her in the eye. he finished off his cigarette and added, “yet even though that promise wasn’t fulfilled, i’d rather come back here, pretend that everything is the way they should have been, and then go back, leaving what was supposed to have been back here, with everything else i have inside for her.”

she was taken aback with what he said. never before has she met someone with potentially everything she would want in a man. yet, at the back of her mind, she knew, that something special happening with this man is not right now. he was still hurting, that she understood. but part of her wanted so much to get to know this man who offered her a seat, a cigarette, and a small insight into his life.

“i see,” she finally replied back as she bowed her head down, realizing that the conversation would go no further. “what then?” she asked, hoping that a slightest hint would come her way.

realizing what he had to do, and finally coming to terms with the inevitable, he finished his cup of coffee, calmly stood up, looked at her and told her before heading towards the exit, “now, it’s a two-hour drive back home.”