*rant mode: on*

What a way to begin the month. It was a roller coaster ride of emotions. Started by waking up from a bad dream the night before which was very vivid that I didn’t have the slightest drowsiness upon opening my eyes.  I had to literally sit down for a couple of minutes to compose and calm myself down.  And as I got ready to do the things needed at work today, I thought back on how things were the day before when I reaped praises from the company director on how I’m progressing with the office set up.  That somehow lifted me up and didn’t mind the usual traffic on the way to the office to have more meetings on getting repairs done.  I even had upbeat music on the background and was kind of moving my body along with the beat as I made my way through rush hour.

I was able to breeze through my morning meeting and even felt good that most of the things that were suggested the day before can be done and everything should be operational in a few weeks.  My excitement built up as I drove to pick up an item for someone who was excited in getting it as it took weeks of waiting for it to arrive.  Along with another item I was luckily able to get the day before, it made me all the more look forward to the reaction when I hand over those items.  I decided to drive back to a place near where we would meet so that I can finish the rest of my work and have my daily report ready.  It was already past mid-afternoon when all the things on my to-d0 list were done and all that’s left is to have the call with my boss.  I did, and he was also happy from what the company director told him about his visit, complimented me on a job well done and to continue doing what needs to be done.  I felt like I was on a roll that day.

I finally got to hand over the items, and the face reaction was priceless.  It felt good seeing happiness being radiated and I was also happy.  I was asked to help out with the work stuff and I gladly obliged.  We went to a place where there was good food and fast internet, so we were both having dinner while on our laptops; I was being given instructions on what to do, and I would follow intently and ask questions if something was amiss.  I did my part and finished what was asked of me.  Unfortunately, there was a need to log in early so we finished things up hurriedly and left.  We were still quite a way’s distance from the office building when I was told that it was far enough.  Apparently, she doesn’t want to be seen with me because she might get “gossiped” at the office (which has happened before when someone saw us together when I dropped her off).  Though this was not the first time that was mentioned to me, I never thought that the notion was serious.

Honestly, I felt like a ton of bricks fell on me.  That’s how close I can describe my emotions right that second when those words were uttered.  Are you ashamed to be with me? Am I not that worthy to be seen with you, even as a friend?  So why can’t you stand up for me as one?  I know I’m not attractive or handsome that can match with the beauty that you have, but why throw me aside like used toilet paper?  If you don’t do that to your other friends who you go out with, then why me?  What’s so different about me in particular?  I won’t be surprised that you’re not even proud to have me as a “friend;” and that I don’t get mentioned the slightest bit when you have conversations with other people, or with your other circle of friends as someone who you can count on when you need someone to help you out, or has always been there for you. Truth be told, you have not even introduced me to any of your friends or to your colleagues when we come across them by chance. I can’t understand what’s the big deal with what other people think about you when they see that you’re with someone like me.  It’s none of your business anyway.  But I guess you have your reasons. In any case, so be it. It’s part of who you are, and I have to accept that.

I am sorry that I do not meet your standards as someone who is truly worthy to be seen with you.  I am sorry that I am not someone you can be proud to show off to other people. And I am sorry that I am not a more good-looking friend. I really am. At least I now know all too well that I’ll be treated that way again… and again… and again.  But that will not stop me from always being there for you, making sure that you are always happy and that you are treated the way you should be. Why? Because you are much more than a friend to me. And if I can treat you like I do when you are at your best, I can do the same when you are at your worst.

Maybe one day, things will be different.  Maybe someday, you’ll speak praises about me; or at least be proud of me.  Maybe there will be a time when you would want me to be seen with you, or that it wouldn’t matter to you if we are seen together. Until then, I’ll just keep silent whenever you would cast me aside. And most probably, when that time comes when you do otherwise, I’ll also just keep silent since I’ll already be six feet under.

Goodnight, beautiful.  #youknowwhoyouare

*rant mode: off*

It’s over.

The one thing that I described as the inevitable has finally come into fruition.  Once again, that time-honored phrase, “hope for the best, expect the worst” proved itself; that despite my purest of intentions, sincerest of feelings, noblest of actions, heaps of sacrifices, tons of prayer, and taking that leap of faith, I end up with nothing…  again.

For the very last time.

Everything happened so fast in the last 36 hours that mere words still couldn’t describe the exact feeling I have at this moment.  And this entry is just a lame attempt at piecing together what scattered, unbridled, sheer, and unabashed pain and sadness I’m experiencing.

I would actually feel better if I was just dead.  Seriously.  No, seriously.

I mean, I couldn’t imagine what I have done wrong to deserve this…  or to even continue to walk this earth.  Honestly, I’m beginning to lose sight of what is right and wrong and I don’t fucking know how to distinguish which is which anymore.  All I know is that I loved someone the way she should be loved:  all-out, head over heels, doing-whatever-it-takes-just-to-make-her-happy, and tear-your-chest-and-pull-out-your-heart-and-offer-it-to-her kind of love.  And to think I even showed respect; and even restraint.  Respected her situation, respected what she wanted and needed, respected the general rule of never take what others have, and even restrained myself from taking advantage of a very vulnerable situation… again out of respect.  And what did I get in return?  Your answer is as good as mine.

As for asking divine assistance and intervention, well, what can I say?  Nothing really.  Other than I’ll be living up to my end of the deal I made with the one upstairs:  that I won’t be asking anything else from Him for myself anymore for as long as I live.  Does that include praying?  Probably.  Does this mean I won’t go to church on Sundays anymore?  No, I’ll continue to go, but only out of respect for my parents since I was raised a Catholic.  Other than that, I don’t think asking for help, guidance, or whatever will be necessary moving forward.  Yes, I am so thankful for the other things that He has given me.  But I guess when it comes to praying that someone I love wholeheartedly will open her eyes, realize the sincerity and realness of my feelings for her and love me back the same way, all I got was silence.  Again, despite what the all-knowing knows how I really feel about her inside.  Will this change my belief in God?  No.  I now have accepted the fact that He’s just too busy dealing with other things than to really give me what I have been praying for myself the last decade or so; and after numerous setbacks in relationships and trying to have one.

So where does this leave me?  Pick up the pieces?  Again?  Not anymore.  I have dealt my final hand, pushed the last of my chips in, risked big for the chance to win big, and did everything I can–and I do mean everything–for that elusive chance at personal happiness.  Will I hate women?  No, not ever.  Will I still believe in true love?  Definitely.  But I suppose it’s just not for me.  I’ll just go on with how things will be meant for me.  Life can throw all the shit it can–and include the kitchen sink, too–on me and I couldn’t care less.  I have already reached the lowest point in my personal life that despite the fact that I can still get up, all that shit thrown at me will have become a part of me.  Am I admitting to defeat?  No.  What I am admitting to is what fate has written for me.  I promised myself a couple of years ago that whoever would be the next woman I’ll fall in love with will be the last one; whether it ends up well or not.  And when I commit to someone or something, I make sure to see it through until the end.

But I have no regrets.  None whatsoever.  All I ever did for love was just that:  for love.  I can truly say that I have never given so much of myself for one woman other than what I did recently.  Probably the only thing left for me to give is my own life.  And I would’ve gladly done that in a heartbeat.  I suppose maybe that’s what it takes for her to realize the kind of love I have for her.  Though I still had that chance to retain whatever we have if I hadn’t professed my true feelings, the last ounce of self-respect I have prompted me to just take that leap of faith and see what happens.

One day, I will smile again; maybe not in the same way, but that will do.  One day, I will go on dates again.  But never for anything serious anymore.  You can contradict, refute or rebuke me on this all you want; all I can say is that none of you have no right whatsoever to dictate what I do or will do with my personal life, have a say in what I feel towards having relationships, or even how I feel about her.  Why?  Because I still love her.  And I always will until the day I die.  Nothing will change that.  Nothing.  Absolutely nothing. 

Love has been a heck of a ride.  It really was.  I can proudly say that I can leave having relationships behind with my head held high because I left no stone unturned and ran the full mile without holding anything back.  I may be emotional and cry about it from time to time, but I’m only human.  So from now on, it’s just companionship and friendship.  Whether it’ll be with benefits or not, it doesn’t matter.  Until I can go back to that level, it’s back to movies, meals, coffee, road trips all by myself.  After all, that’s the next best thing I’m good at.

So that’s it.  With finality, I can say that…

I’m done.