It’s been a long time since I last wrote something here. Before social media exploded in the last decade, this blog was my avenue for everything I wanted to say what I felt inside. Be it personal experiences, ideas, opinions, or just shouting my frustration and emotions to the world, this was the most personal of my personal spaces. Call it a shout to the void, a drop in the ocean, or a micro-blip on the radar, I felt comfortable knowing that everything I say here will forever be a part of history where only a tiny fraction of an audience among billions around the world will be able to pick up.
And yet, after posting this, I don’t know when my presence will be felt here again. A lot of things happened during the last couple of months. I became the happiest, most successful version of myself I have ever been in my life; and also became the lowest, most downtrodden shell of a person I have been.
During the early part of the year, my career was as its highest, and I was able to finally have a girlfriend. Everything was going my way, and I couldn’t have asked for anything more.
Yet, in a span of five months, I lost everything. And more.
Without going into too much specifics, first, I lost my job because the company I worked for decided to close down. It wasn’t the closing itself, but how it happened. I tried whatever I can to minimize the impact it had on the rest of us, but the decisions I made when things were winding down were probably wrong, to put it bluntly. Secondly, while I was going through that tumultuous point in my career, my girlfriend left me (after initially asking for space). She knew what was going on with my career, and she felt that how I handled life-changing situations–among other things–such as what happened at work is not how I should’ve done it; hence, she doesn’t feel safe and broke up with me… via Messenger. And third, the closing of the company hit me hard financially because we were not given any severance pay; so my savings also took a hit. I had “friends” who borrowed money from me the last couple of months and years. I had to ask them to pay me back since I needed the money for my expenses and payments. Some with meager amounts owed me did pay up. Others, just ignored and left me high and dry.
For me, it was a compounded version of Murphy’s Law. For about eight weeks, I struggled with the backlash of what happened with work, while at the same time trying to save a relationship and figuring out how to make ends meet. I averaged only two to three hours of sleep which affected my health. Some of my real friends who saw me were surprised at the amount of weight I lost. Suicidal tendencies were not uncommon in my thoughts, wherein I was wishing that I wouldn’t wake up anymore or I would get into an accident, or someone who threatened to kill me will actually do it; just to “end it all.” But, I’m still able to write this, so I am still alive.
What hurt me the most are the people who said that they care, or even love me, but just decided to not want to be a part of what I was going through. Yes, I made mistakes; but I never blamed anyone except myself. I may have fucked up in the worst possible way, and maybe I am reaping the fruits from it. But I never, ever pointed a finger on anyone for the cause of whatever demise that came my way.
On the other hand, the age-old adage has been proven true: “hard times reveal true friends.” There were a count-by-one-hand number of people who still put friendship above everything else. Of course, a tongue-lashing of what I should’ve or shouldn’t have done, or making me see the mistakes I’ve done are a given; but despite all of that, they still showed and gave support and encouragement in what I was going through. Whether it be by simply asking how I am, or telling me to hang in there, or inviting me over for coffee just to talk about something entirely different to make me forget things temporarily, or offering whatever kind of help I need, those people became for me the embodiment of true friendship.
By them doing that, it made me also realize that there is some truth to another saying that goes, “treat others how you want to be treated.” Some, because I almost always never get treated the way I treat others, especially those who I really care about. As a friend, I’m someone who doesn’t interfere with my friends’ decisions or choices. Like I’ve always said time and again to friends who are at a crossroads, “I can always tell you what you want to hear, or what you need to hear; in the end, the decision is yours to make and yours alone. But whatever that decision is, right or wrong, I will support you as a friend.” It’s rather unfortunate that these days, practicality takes precedence–even over friendship. Or in some cases, believing what others say instead of what the friend says.
Yet in spite of some friends and loved ones leaving me, I try to understand them. It’s painful, but as just mentioned, it’s their decision to make. All I can do in the end is show them respect and make the effort to understand even though in doesn’t make sense trying to do so. In the case of my ex leaving me, I’ll just put the blame on myself. She did what she had to do which is look out what’s best for herself and for her kid. The manner and timing may have not been ideal, but using her own words, “it is what it is.” Despite trying hard to make her understand that what happened at work would definitely make me learn something aside from trying to improve in other aspects, she felt otherwise. That being said, let me take this space and opportunity to apologize for me not being enough for you; for making the wrong decisions, and for letting you down. I am terribly sorry. Yet nothing changes in how I feel for you. I understand what you did–or at least I am still trying to.
One thing that will probably never change in me though, is how I am. I trust or put value in what others tell me–sometimes to a fault–especially in terms of agreements. I don’t believe in the principle of “things can always change,” despite it being true, especially in this day and age. I was raised to keep my word; so unless it’s a matter of life or death, when something is agreed upon, I will do anything and everything to uphold my end. I almost always see the good in the people I meet; I never see the negative things outright even though we are always reminded to always be on guard. Again, it goes back to treating others the way we want to be treated. Another thing about me is that whenever I make a decision, especially personal ones, I stick to it no matter what. If it kills me, so be it. I sometimes take a long time in making those, but once I set my mind and heart to it, changing my mind will be an impossibility. I know what I deserve, but I don’t have a sense of entitlement to be accorded that. I’d rather go for what I want and love because we don’t always get what we know we deserve. And even if what makes me happy makes me sad, then so be it. I’d still go for it.
Slowly and painfully, I am getting back up. I start a new chapter tomorrow. It’s a long, long road back, and the backlash of everything that has happened isn’t over yet; but having a starting point is exactly just that: a start. With this new beginning, I have made some personal decisions. One of them is logging off from all forms of social media. I have stopped using Twitter for a couple of years now. As for Facebook, well, since everything that has happened, I have been silent. I already uninstalled the app from both my phones a couple of weeks ago and I haven’t checked on anything there, even from my laptop. For me, nothing is worth posting or sharing anymore. I’ve felt the happiest and most complete I’ve ever been in my life; and posting something that doesn’t come from the exact same feeling just doesn’t make sense. And I’m not looking to replicate that happiness with anyone else. Again, for me it doesn’t make sense anymore. Why try to look for someone else when you’ve already found your happiness? Moving forward, all I can do is what I do best: survive. Whether I become successful or not in my journey out of the absolute lowest point in my life, it doesn’t matter. What’s important is I undertook the journey.
Let me end with two things. First, no amount of preparation, foresight, planning, negotiations, contingency measures, or how you think you live your life, or have it all figured out will make your life–or anyone else’s–full-proof. Life will find a way to absolutely fuck you up in ways you couldn’t imagine, things will go south on you, and everything may be swept from under your feet before you even know what happened or hit your head on the ground. That’s how it is. You’ll just have to deal with it as it happens. You learn. You get back up. Whether you fully make it back up or not is irrelevant. You tried. And absolutely no one can take that away from you.
Secondly, here’s an excerpt from something I read a few weeks ago. It’s about falling in love. This describes how I am, or was, since I already made my choice. At least I tried to make it work. All I ask from everyone is to respect my decision about it. Here it goes:
“Love is saying I see you, all of you, exactly how you are–the good, the bad, the things you don’t want anybody else to see. I see what you’re ashamed of, what you wish you could hide. I see these things, and I still love you. I still choose you.
And you hope and pray and plead for the other person to do the same.
To take your set of shortcomings and love them in the same way.
To stick around when shit gets unimaginably hard and tough and complicated.
To choose you back.”
It’s now back to dinners and movies for one.
I don’t know when will I be back online again. In any case, I already assigned a legacy contact to handle my Facebook account should something happen to me.
Until then, this is me, signing off.
Markie's Journal 