such a perfect time to write this entry. i have all my tasks done before i go on leave, my agents have all gone home early, thanks to low call volume, and no pressure whatsover from the higher-ups who aren’t here as well. anyway, before i continue with my next top 5, allow me also to integrate my own top 5 songs that i listened to this year. i’m a music person and listening to music is the number one therapy i use to de-stress myself or to further indulge in the feeling i have at that moment. so, without further delay, here are my:

top 5 negative/low/sad moments that i had in 2004 (together with the top 5 songs that i listened to)

5. the birthday that was – i guess you all remember the entry that shook the foundation(s) of relationships/friendships i have with the people i invited over to my birthday party. but now that everything has been forgiven and forgotten, there’s no reason to dwell on it more and i realized that doing that entry was something that i shouldn’t have done, but will remain as one sore moment that i wish i could undo.
song – “All I Want” by Reef – “…i was all alone, like a father with no son, you were like a dream, woken up just as begun, i was left alone, with the promise that you made…” this is just one of five songs that would describe how my personal life was this year. although this song is quite unknown, it’s soothing melody and lyrics help potray a feeling of loss and waiting for something that wouldn’t come.

4. i reluctantly left PeopleSupport for a better opportunity – i was literally in tears when my former boss told me that it’s either i stay with the company going back to an agent/CSR position or leave. i spent two years and 8 months with PS and it was the first call center job i had. i really didn’t want to leave, and i was begging my boss to reconsider his decision. i guess office politics got involved in some way and even my former agents’ pleas to reconsider were not good enough. it was two weeks before i left when i got that news and immediately started to look for another job. fortunately, TT came along and offered me a chance to prove myself. but the friendships i’ve built, the closeness i had with my former agents, the working atmosphere that is second to none, made me feel heavy inside as i reported for the last time. words of encouragement from former teammates, mentors, supervisors and friends tried to ease the burden i was carrying after i sent the final email. all i can say is that it was a sad day carrying all my things as i went home that day.
song – “The Reason” by Hoobastank – “…i found a reason to show a side of me you didn’t know, a reason for all that i do, and the reason is you…” i guess this song is right for what happened at number four. i was able to prove myself and had success in where i am now. recognized for outstanding team performance, promoted agents to better positions within the company, and one of the top team leaders. but at what price? health deterioration, declining drive to go on due to a huge workload everyday, and less time for family and friends. being recognized is not enough to counter the growing dissatisfaction i have with work. the working atmosphere is really stiff and “stress” is a word synonymous to “team leader.”

3. i lost whatever chance of a relationship i could have had with jenny – you’ve read how i felt about her, she was my number two positive things that happened to me during the year, and is about the only chance i got then to start over with the would-be loss of the year. i was that close to feeling more than contented each time i talked to her or received messages from her. when we first went out, it’s like chemistry. no awkward feelings, its just like we’ve been friends for a long time. everything clicked. but i guess fate reared its ugly head and with like a snap of the fingers, we were not meant to be. now, we rarely even talk, much less send messages to each other. the last time i sent her a message was greeting her a merry christmas. she replied with, “same to you!” which goes to show how far apart we’ve become. as the old cliche goes, “it was too good to be true.”
song – “Unwell” by Matchbox Twenty – “…i’m not crazy, i’m just a little impaired, i know right now you don’t care, but soon enough you’re gonna think of me, and how i used to be…” it was to be the song of the year for me since i have been feeling “unwell” for most of the year, but i kinda picked it up when the song was losing its popularity. plus, it didn’t describe how “unwell” was, but just the same, the sadness and melancholy still remains…

2. i lost my first journal and all the entries that are in it – all my emotions that were bottled up inside, including those for lisa and jenny, my last email when i left PS, the chance encounter i had with an ex-crush, all the anger released, tears made into words–all gone. just when i thought i could keep something i could go back and re-live, it disappeared, and for what? so that the site can make money and so-called “continue operating?” most of the entries there i considered were masterpieces. pure emotion transcribed. until now, i’m still speechless whenever i remember going to log on that fateful day to find that the site was inaccessible without a “recovery fee.” damn…it’s all i could say…
song – “My Immortal” by Evanescence – “…i tried so hard to tell myself that you’re gone; but though you’re still with me, i’ve been alone all along…” the band version unleashed more emotion than the original release, and with these lyrics, it’s hard to forget or even overlook such a song of its nature. it also describes and compliments what i feel with the entry and song at number one, which is:

1. i was never invited/i never witnessed lisa’s wedding which could have closed that chapter of my life – like a love story with an unhappy ending, this came about a week before my birthday. i endured a year of agony trying to overcome a lost cause but never losing hope that one day, things could’ve, might’ve turned for the better and we will end up being together. lisa was the one person who made me happy. each and every time we are together, even with me just thinking about her, all that we’ve been through, ruined by a test of loyalty to myself and to her. i chose to put off proposing for her to be my girlfriend because i was also in love with someone else at that time. i thought i gave myself a chance to sort out things. better to love one person whole-heartedly than to jump into a relationship with someone else at the back of my mind. and yet after sorting things out, and finally realizing that lisa is the one, i was too late. i was hoping to be at the wedding ceremony for me to witness the finality that we couldn’t be together anymore, to have that chance to close the book and start over properly. i wasn’t even pleading for her to invite me, i was just content on knowing when the wedding date was so that i could take a peek and leave quietly after the priest finaly seals the bond of marriage, and that would’ve been enough. but each and everyday when i go to work, i pass by the church where they were married, and it still pains me to think why i wasn’t there. in a sense, there is no closure yet for me, unless maybe she talks to me personally and explains everything, or whatever. i just don’t know how i’m gonna get through this. i was resigned to the fact that we cannot be together, it’s just that i had to see with my own eyes. i had to hear the words. for someone whose heart was already broken before it was completely shattered, it’s something simple to have asked for.
song – “Here Without You” by 3 Doors Down – the entire lyrics of the song says it all about how i feel about number one. allow me to post the entirety of the lyrics:

“A hundred days have made me older
Since the last time that i saw your pretty face
A thousand lies have made me colder
And i don’t think i can look at this the same
But all these miles that seperate
Disappear now when i’m dreaming of your face

I’m here without you baby
But you’re still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And i dream about you all the time
I’m here without you baby
But you’re still with me in my dreams
And tonight it’s only you and me

The miles just keep rollin’
As the people leave their way to say hello
I’ve heard this life was overrated
But i hope that it gets better as we go

I’m here without you baby
But you’re still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And i dream about you all the time
I’m here without you baby
But you’re still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl its only you and me

Everything i know,and anywhere i go
It gets hard but it wont take away my love
And when the last one falls
When it’s all said and done
It gets hard but it wont take away my love

I’m here without you baby
But you’re still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And i dream about you all the time
I’m here without you baby
But you’re still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl its only you and me”

and that puts a close to my turbulent year. happy new year everyone. be back with a new entry on january. have a safe new year’s celebration.

just a quick short entry…just got back from the province to celebrate our annual christmas reunion party on my father’s side of the family. left home early today at 6:45am and reached our ancestral home at around 8:30. had a few drinks, laughs, a little program for the kids, and lunch. my, how our family (relatives) have gotten bigger in number. i remember when we used to fit in one small house for the reunion, now all of my cousins have families of their own! naturally, i was the topic of conversation since i’m the only single cousin left. questions left and right about when will it be my turn to get married after my cousin’s wedding that i attended on the 18th. of course, same old answer, “no plans yet.” which inevitably comes the next question, “who are you with now?” “no one,” comes my prompt reply. it was fun, even though its just us siblings who attended the gathering. we’re used to having mom with us every year, but this year would be different. right now i’m just resting before the labor in the kitchen preparing for christmas dinner. we’re having baked macaroni and grilled chicken, and of course, christmas ham. just a simple noche buena since mom and dad aren’t here. it just hit me that it’s kinda not complete with both of them not around. i mean, with mom here, it was ok. but there’s always a first time for everything, as the saying goes. in any case, it’ll be fun when the preparation goes underway. i was thinking of making lasagna but my sister insisted on baked macaroni. well, gotta go do some other stuff before cooking begins. hope everyone will be having a peaceful christmas!

its almost the middle of the month and a mere three short weeks before we all bid the year adieu. i must say, 2004 is one of the more memorable years in recent history, not just personally, but one in which the world might not forget for quite a while. although there are 20 more days before the official end of the year, and with the cliche, “anything can happen” being ever-present on everyone’s minds, there are quite a number of events that have happened this year that would surely fill up the coffee table and provide hours and hours of conversations, with both sides agreeing and disagreeing about certain points. as i have said in my previous entries, a sort of look-back will be in order for my next few entries. although i was caught up in a bind as to what kind of “year in review” i would make, i eventually settled for the Top 5 (was thinking of top 10, but i realized it might be too many; and it would make me think of really significant events) things i have achieved, or milestones, or happy moments; and of course, the Top 5 setbacks, challenges that i failed, low moments during the year. quite interesting, isn’t it? and since drama is more of an “in” thing nowadays (or is it?), and i also mentioned that this is one of the more “forgettable” years in my life, i opted to save the Top 5 setbacks for my next entry and instead start with the Top 5 achievements of the year. i may or may not finish the whole five events because of limited time i have, but rest assured that i’ll be done with both categories before the year ends. with that in mind, let me start the gaze into 2004 with…

My Top 5 successes/achievements/milestones/things i’m thankful for in 2004

5. i upgraded my cellphone – hey, i’m no tech geek or a person overly obsessed with new technology coming out of the woodwork, but i consider getting a new and important piece of equipment as something that i’m proud of. mainly because i purchased it with blood, sweat, tears, and stress. in my previous entry, i was in a quandry on what unit to get, but a day before i finally bought it, i asked for a sign, and it came clear as day. oh, by the way i got the 7200. simple in features, yet stylish and has the right kind of applications for a low-end user like me. although if someone would be giving me even just a second-hand 6600 or 3660 for christmas, i would be very, very, very happy. but kidding aside, i love my new phone now. i passed the 7110 to my brother. i thought of trading it in when i bought the 7200, but i never did because that unit has too many unforgettable memories, one that stood out is that i purchased it together with lisa. as soon as i remembered that, i trashed the thought of trading it. no way. not for a million bucks even.

4. i got promoted – not in the true sense of the word, because almost all of you know that i was already a supervisor (trainee) back in PS, but i was earning a measly allowance on top of a CSR’s salary. and yet i was given the ball, i was given all the responsibilities, challenges, expectations, all except for the financial reward the befit the position. i slaved, took heat, labored, sacrificed my health for six months, developed people, gained and earned respect for the people who were under my supervision, and yet my manager said that that was not enough and asked me to go back to being a friggin’ CSR. my area (at that time) was shocked and surprised with the decision. i gained more respect from them with my leadership than complaints about how i am at work. and yet that is not enough. and so by april of this year i transferred to another company which provided me the right compensation for the position that i’m in. that was the time i said to myself that i was now “promoted” from being a CSR to a supervisor. and i felt vindicated after all the things my former manager told me about the kind of person that i am. it felt good. really good.

3. i witnessed my brother graduate from college – it may be quite less important to some of you, but for me who did not go up that stage, amidst the glitz, glamor, the flashing lights and the sound of the cheers from your batchmates, family and friends at the audience, and the prestige of the occasion, it was extremely heart-warming. it was the first college commencement exercise i ever attended in my life. and it wasn’t even mine. for me to hear his name being called, to see him go up that stage, and to be officially called a “graduate,” i felt that it was me up there. in reality, i’ll never, ever know how that feels like, but with the kind of love and respect i have for my brother, i guess in a way i felt that moment as well. most, if not all of you know this, but i always considered the fact that my brother is better than me. better in every aspect you can imagine. some of you who are the eldest in the family may find it hard to accept that a younger kin is better than you, but in my case, its something that i am proud of. although he did not pass the board exam, my confidence in him never faltered. for me, he IS the man. after the ceremonies, i went to him, shook his hand, hugged him and told him that i love him and that i’m very proud of him. it doesn’t get any more self-fulfilling (family wise) than that.

2. i got to know my biggest crush personally – what a way to start the year than by finally getting to know someone you’ve been dying to talk to. i had this big crush on jeni ever since i saw her back in PS, and if you remember my entry on my former blog site, i wondered to myself, “when could i ever have someone like her in my life…” i had this impression that extraordinarily stunning women have bitchy personalities (it has been proven before, believe me), but when i got to ask her to see “The Return of the King” with me, all that changed. i mean, i couldn’t believe it! how can someone so beautiful as her go out with someone like me? i’m telling you, i was in dreamland everytime i get to text or talk to her. she was even the first one to greet me on valentine’s day! man, i’m telling you it felt great being around her. we went out a couple of times, and with nothing to lose, i told her how i really felt. sadly, it was the wrong feeling at the wrong place, and at the wrong time. but it would have been something really special. having known her gave hope to my comatose lovelife. but as they say, it was too good to be true. we haven’t been talking much now. the last time i communicated with her is when i greeted her on her birthday. i heard that she’s seeing someone now. but i am happy for her and that’s what’s important. at least i got to know what i consider to be, as one of the most beautiful women i laid my eyes on. and i rarely get that chance.

1. i am here, right now, alive – anti-climactic, isn’t it? when i look at it, i wouldn’t even have experienced all of the wonderful things i mentioned above if i wasn’t here, right? for me, being here is another way of being told that i still have a purpose in life (maybe not for myself, but for others at least). thinking of all the lives i’ve touched in every little way possible, and giving some sort of smile to those people makes me happy in my own way. it really comes down to appreciating the little things life has given you, and what you do with those things to help make yourself better. if you can be thankful for the simple reason of waking up each new day, how much more thankful can you be when let’s say, you won the lottery, or you got a new job, or you’ll go on a cruise, or that person who you love so much comes back to you saying that he/she wants to be with you now more than ever? sure, i may feel brokenhearted or stressed with work everyday, but the thought of me controlling my own body, being able to go home each day, seeing my brother and sister at dinner, being able to laugh at the jokes on TV or having the chance play the sport that i love, it levels the feeling. i may not be happy, now or in the futute in the true sense of the word, but at least i am content. and i’m thankful for that. being able to welcome 2005 with open arms and the thought of thousands of things to come my way makes me look forward to ending the year with a smile–even though the previous year brought me more sadness that happiness.

so, that rounds it up for that. on my next entry, i’ll take on the top 5 sad moments of the year. if you know me really well, i guess you’ll know what my number one on that will be. but again, that’s another story. i’m afraid i’ll be shedding tears when i do that entry. but, as the saying goes, those who don’t look back in their past, won’t be able to grasp the future…or something like that… =)

it has been a hectic schedule for me during the last week, starting off this past thursday, wherein we had a thanksgiving party at work. booze was literally free flowing and that was the first time that i drove home tipsy (read: drunk). had more than four shots of tequila, a couple shots of vodka, three bottles of lite beer and a couple of bottles of strong ice. whew! i always said to myself that i’d never drink too much when i’m out, but on that night, i found out that i have little tolerance for peer pressure. got home at around 7am, did the laundry and some other house chores, slept for an hour before meeting up my friends for coffee at 8pm (friday night). even though i had work at 12 midnight that night, i wouldn’t dare pass the opportunity to get together with the group who i consider the best group of friends i’ve ever been with. i got there at around 9pm due to traffic, being a payday friday and i really had so much fun seeing and talking to them again. i realized how much i missed being with them and sharing all kinds of things and talking about anything and everything in between. that gathering also served as a farewell get together for a friend who’ll be leaving for the UK in the next couple of weeks. i sure hope that we’ll be able to see each other again one more time before she leaves. time really flew and inasmuch as i didn’t want to leave, i had promised my boss that i’ll report to work that night, so i reluctantly left halfway before midnight en route to work. getting only an hour of sleep that day, i struggled to keep my mind straight. even after having two servings of mocca latte from starbucks, i felt that i was carrying twice the weight of my body that night. but nonetheless, i carried on. it felt like years waiting for my shift to end, and finally, 9am saturday morning, i was on my way home. having only an hour of sleep for the last 48 hours, i slumped on my bed as soon as i got home. i woke up at 3pm to the sound of my phone ringing. it was my colleague at work who told me that my PC is fixed and working. finally!! i met him near our place and got my PC and offered to pay him for the labor done to fix it, but he declined. i thanked him and went back home to start it up, and its now working. i still have to find time to write an entry from the comforts of my home, but with a limited internet connection, chances of that happening would be fairly less. i went to mass at 6pm and proceeded to the wake of my childhood friend’s mother who died from cancer monday of that week. it was good seeing my friend again, unfortunately it had to be under those circumstances. his mother had been battling cancer for the last six months and finally gave in. the sad part of it all is that my friend will be getting married on the 30th of this month and we were all hoping that his mom could make it. but as per her last wishes, that if she dies before the 30th, the wedding must go on. and so it will. interment and funeral rites were held the following day, and it was the first time since childhood that i saw my friend cry. it really was a sad day which affected me as well because i had known his mom as a very happy person, always cheerful and would always welcome me to their home whenever i was there. before leaving, i shook his hand and gave him a hug, telling him that his mom had gone to a better place. he thanked me by shaking my hand firmly and that he’ll see me again on his wedding day. nothing much happened that sunday night, except that my uncle had his delayed birthday celebration with a bottle of brandy so i gladly joined him together with my brother to close the day out. monday morning, ’twas rainy, but my cousins and i decided to push through going to greenhills to, well for me, to buy shoes for the three weddings i’ll be attending this month and to canvass for a new mobile phone i’m planning to buy for the longest time. i thought i’ll be able to buy one last year, but apparently, my budget wasn’t enough. i have three choices: a 7200, 3660, and a 6600. i used to really fantasize having a 3660, but during the last few months, i noticed that almost everyone has one. it has become too common for me. same goes with the 6600, aside from the fact that it looks like an egg. which brings me to the not-so-famous 7200. it’s unique, simple, but stylish, although it kinda lacks the big features that the 6600 and the 3660 are so popularly known for. then again, i really don’t fancy having high end phones. who knows, i may end up not using all of the features if i purchase either one. i ended up buying the shoes that i need though. and i promised myself that i’ll be back by this weekend to finally get one. until then, everything’s still up in the air. this has been my biggest problem in shopping for an important item. just when i have something in mind to get, i get distracted by another who suddenly becomes pleasing to the eyes. oh well, let’s just wait and see what happens. it rained nonstop that day. got home early in the afternoon and felt a little weird going to bed that night, thinking it’s another long work week ahead. upon waking up at 2am, even with the fan turned off, i was having severe chills. i tried to shake it off by sleeping another 20 minutes, but it didn’t work. i was already having a fever so i called in sick at work and went back to sleep after taking some medicine. i felt a little better when i woke up again at around 10am. although i was a little dizzy walking around, i managed to feel better as the day went on. i even had the chance to help my brother out in decorating the house for christmas. and rightfully so, being that we’re the only house in our street who doesn’t have the slightest aura of christmas spirit. now that really made me feel good. thinking of work the next day, i suddenly felt woozy again, but was determined to go to work for fear of work getting piled up. and so here i am, at work, work almost done with the exception of the things that can be safely put off until tomorrow and forcing some free time to write my thoughts down. it’s the last month of the year and things couldn’t be more busy. three weddings (actually, there were four, but after careful negotiations with my schedule, i really cannot afford to attend one of them), three christmas parties, and work, work and more work! talk about winding down, this is usually the time i get to relax, go shopping for gifts, give those gifts, soak up the christmas spirit, smile each day i wake up because it’s christmas, and basically enjoy myself during the one month i really consider worth enjoying. but noooo…. *sigh* guess i’ll just have to squeeze in every ounce of strength i have left from all that’s happening to be able to feel the christmas spirit. hopefully i can start my year in review on my next entry. i’ll be off in an hour. i still have to go do some chores when i get home… i could use a good cup of coffee right about now….