frankly, i don’t even know how to start this entry. i’ve been so….”scattered” for most of the week (that’s the closest term i could think of), and can’t even comprehend or get a grip on what’s happening around me. it’s been more than a week since lisa made her presence felt, and part of the reason why i’m this way may have something to do with that. not that i’m blaming her, i’m really not, and i’m setting the record straight. it’s just the fact that everything happens for one reason or another. there may be counter-reactions and counter-counter-reactions (if ever there was such a word). i reacted the way i did, as mentioned on my last entry, and probably more through sms. hours after i posted that entry she sent me a message asking me why am i dazed and confused and followed it up with “if that was the case then some things are better left untouched.” i was taking my well-earned sleep so i was able to read the message late. naturally, an impulse came on and i replied with things that i thought i deserved from her. why didn’t she talked to me like she said she would? why didn’t she invite me to her wedding like she also said? and what is the real reason behind her first message she sent me after almost a year? to just “check up on me?” thinking that, “oh well, it’s been almost a year after i got married, and i guess he’s moved on, and i guess it’s ok for me to ease back into his life and pretend that everything is handy-dandy, oh, and maybe he forgot all of the things i promised him?” *sigh* and i don’t blame her for thinking that way. many things did happen to me in that span of time both emotionally and psychologically. i have moved forward. but realizing the way i reacted towards her, maybe i really haven’t gotten over her. maybe i haven’t moved on. if i did, i would’ve reacted differently. i could’ve just ignored her message and pretend like she never texted me and went on with my day. but i didn’t. the next day after i replied to her latest message, things got worse. i was about to end my day at work, when a YM message appeared on my window with a message from her. she logged off after that, but i still replied. my message was too long for a single reply so i sent multiple messages, the next one linking to the first. i managed to save the transcript and it is as follows:

“lisa: i was surprised at the way you reacted, i dunno if i deserved it or not. regardless of whether i did or did not, your reaction, replies and posts (which are very clear and hurtful at times i might add) is enough reason for me not to talk to you anymore. that’s what you’ve been waiting for…i hope that this means closure for you as well. we were good friends and whether you think i threw it back at you, for me, you were the one who not only threw it back but rubbed it in so to speak. thank you for being the person that you were to me when i was in the phils.

markie: i know the way i reacted throught text. and honestly, i never meant to hurt you. i never did. it was a defense mechanism on my part because of how the way things ended between us then. i held on to what you said about us talking before you got married, me being invited to your wedding, even way back to waiting for your response when i first proposed to be your boyfriend. i never pressured you into fulfilling all those things because you made it very clear for me not to do so, and i trusted in the fact that it’ll come in time. but it never did. yes, we were good friends, and i was hoping that was enough for you to spend time with me to talk, and to at least start a closure process for me, which will ultimately lead to coming full circle seeing you get married.

markie: now, i don’t really know if there’ll be some sort of closure or not. you meant the world to me once, and quite frankly, in some shape or form, you still do. how things ended just left a big void inside me that will be hard to fill. i’m not in any way mad or disgruntled at you for what happened. i just didn’t expect things between us to end up how it did. regardless of everything that has happened, i am still very much happy for you. you know me, i always prioritize the people i love first more than myself. only during that time, i was thinking of myself for once by wanting to talk to you and see you say “i do.” you may believe me or not, but that’s the truth. i may not know and understand the reason for everything that has happened, but nonetheless, you’ll always be a part of me.

markie: i carry you everyday in my thoughts and in my heart, because our time together reminds me how things could’ve been better, have i told what i felt for you sooner. in an anecdote to myself, you’ll be regarded as “the girl who got away.” do take care of yourself always.”

did i do something wrong? was i that rude in replying, telling her to explain why she didn’t talk to me before her marraige and why she didn’t invite me at all? i was only looking to close that chapter in my life, to properly say to myself, “she’s gone.” as i’ve said before, i would not dare interfere at her wedding. i just wanted to see her officially tie the knot and that’s it. for all i know, we could still be friends after that. i know i’ll be getting some heat from some, if not all who are reading this, and frankly, you can say all that you want to say. nothing will change what happened. curse me to hell if you want. i’m already torn up, beat up, whiplashed, and numb enough to fend off any more harsh words that would go my way. i have told some friends about it and they’re honest enough to say that they couldn’t side with me on this one. it’s ok. i’m not looking for somone to take sides with whoever. i’m just airing out what i feel and what i believe in. there’s a saying that goes, “if you believe and fight for something that you know in your heart is right, you are regardless if everyone else thinks otherwise.” i guess she’s made her decision based on what she last said. again, i don’t blame her. i just hope she understands how i feel. i’m treading on rough waters, i know. it’s like, me against the world. maybe, just maybe, things will be a lot better off if i’m dead and buried.

finally, after weeks of hibernation, i’m able to write new entries again. and what better way to start off a new entry than a weird thing that happened to me yesterday morning. it was around 9:45AM, and i was awakened by the message alert tone of my cell. i thought, “who would send me a message this early?” still half-asleep, i reached for my cell and opened the message. lo and behold, it was a YM SMS message from none other than lisa asking me, “u there?” all traces of drowsiness and sleep vanished in a way i couldn’t have imagined. i stared at the screen of my cell for maybe a full two minutes, thinking if i should reply or not. i had promised myself that, with the way things ended between lisa and me, that i wouldn’t initiate any kind of communication until God knows when. thousands of thoughts ran through my mind as i contemplated on replying back or not. “why did she sent me a message?” “is this a way of her saying or making up for all the promises she made?” the questions went on and on inside my head, until i finally hit the reply button and started typing away. “uh, yeah… wats up?” i said, not really certain on what else to ask. waiting for her response was like an eternity. finally, she replied with, “is dat really you?” adding more confusion to my already bewildered mind, i replied, “wat do you mean is dat rily me? yes, its me, quite surprised dat you sent me a msg.” suddenly, doubts raced across my mind, thinking if it was really her or just someone messing around using her YM ID. but it was still impossible, i thought. i admit, there were several times that i saw her go online, especially during the mornings when my shift is about to end. and i also admit that there were times that i opened a message box to send a message to her, but recalling what i promised myself, did not proceed and just closed the dialogue box. i still wondered, until came the reply with the punchline, “it is you! just checking you out yun lang po (that’s all). have a nice day!” i felt like one of those Japanese anime cartoons falling flat on the ground after a certain punchline or practical joke has been delivered at my expense. my mind suddenly went blank. and the first thoughts that came to my mind after minutes of gathering my wits was “what the hell…? what was that all about?” i really thought there was some kind of real purpose or meaning why she sent me a message. pardon me if i’m jumping to conclusions, but how would you feel if someone who left you hanging and haven’t talked to for almost two years, finally asking, “u there?” you would expect something, right? but noooo. after that episode, my day virtually went downhill. until now, i’m still kinda “in the dark” of all that’s happened in the last 24 hours. if this is a way for her to try to bring some sense of closure between us, well, i dunno. i’m still trying to make sense of everything. i don’t even know how to end this entry. but i guess one saying that comes to mind is, “some things aren’t meant to be explained.” but again, “everything has a reason for happening.”

as you may have noticed, for a horrific couple of weeks, my blog site went down. unfortunately, the host is still recovering my old entries and cannot determine when they’ll be back up. those who regularly visit my site have been asking me when i’ll be posting a new entry. well, things have been busy as of late, and there are so many, many things that has happened that is worth blogging, but i promised myself that i’ll be posting a new entry when all of the other entries have been retrieved by the host. i know its quite weird, but it’s hard to start from scratch, especially when it’s the second time that my blog has been down. i also created a blog at blogspot.com, but i haven’t started using that one yet because the preferred username/blog address that i prefer is already in use. i just hope that ebloggy retreives my other entries (hello! calling the webmasters and web administrators) as soon as possible. right now, i just want to thank you, the regulars who visit and read my blog, for your patience, continued visits, and comments about my entries. rest assured that when all the entries are retrieved and put back in place, i’ll continue to post new entries about what’s been happening to me. and believe me, during the blog outage, many, many things and events have happened to me that are worth reading. most are still kinda sad though, but that’s the story of my life. to give you a clue, i fell in love again. but, as history has shown regarding my lovelife, it’s on the verge of ending sadly….again. till next entry, take care everyone.

looks like i’ll be having new entries every week, considering the fact that i have extra time on my hands every wednesday while waiting for the number coding rule to be temporarily lifted before i go home. nothing much happened during the past week, although i got to watch ocean’s twelve with my sister last saturday night, and it was a good sequel for me. one of the better sequels i’ve seen in a while. the comedy was well put and in the right scenes. but i’m thinking twice on buying it on dvd since i don’t see anything worth watching it all over again–well, maybe not for the fourth or fifth time–unlike all the dvds that i bought, which have that certain kind of appeal to be watched over and over again. weekend ended with a birthday of my cousin and looks like this weekend will be no different, except that the birthday will be for my sister. guess another round of alcohol will be served again. work week started out ok, still the same old routine, although earlier today (or last night) during my shift, a chat with an old friend made my day a little bit more interesting. interesting in a sense that it made me think about–hold your horses–death and the beyond. it just popped into my mind so i asked my friend what would she do if she learned that i was dead or have died no matter what caused it. it took a while for her to answer and when she finally did, she said that she would be “drowning in tears.” i sort of laughed at first and before i even came to asking her why, she followed it up with “imagine losing someone who is close to me” and “that’s how i care about you.” i stopped short of replying and thought to myself if she was telling the truth. i didn’t bother to ask her that because she immediately asked me why i asked that. with the thought just popped out of nowhere, i answered that i was just thinking aloud. while pondering on the subject, i again thought to myself that i don’t think that there’s nothing more i have left to experience here on earth–well, except getting married and having a married life, but with the way things are going, i don’t think i’ll be heading that way–so meaning that i’m ready to go where everyone else is gonna go. which then led me to wonder how would everyone else feel if i were to die or be dead? i know it’s a morbid subject to talk about, but since all of us will be headed in that direction, i just thought on how prepared we are. i for one am psychologically and mentally prepared. i might not have enough time to create farewell letters or last will and testament(s) but at least deep inside, i know i’m ready to go when the big guy upstairs or downstairs decides to get me off this life. although i would love to have an audience of close people with me before i go, i pretty much have said everything i wanted or needed to say to the persons necessary before the inevitable. makes me also think back to what has happened to me during the last 28 years of my life. i have given and received, smiled and frowned, laughed and cried, listened and be heard, overjoyed and angered, craved and satisfied, worked and played, been criticized and criticized of my own, yearned and achieved, dreamt and lived the dream, stood out and blended in, won and be defeated, love and have been loved. speaking of love, another person i chatted last night asked me how my lovelife was. like i told the first friend who i chatted with, imagine a brand new vase. then it was dropped and broken into pieces. of course, you would try to put it back together again with glue or some sort to make it whole again. after some time, it was dropped again, but this time, new shards of the vase appeared when it was dropped the second time. and then put it back again. and then dropped and even more shards were added. and again, tried to put it back. and dropped again, more shards were added. glued back together, and dropped again with more shards. and now you attempt to put it back together with anything and everything you have. that is how my heart is today. in the midst of putting it back together when it was dropped again last year. with the addition of new shards, putting it back together will definitely take a long time, or if it were to be pieced together again, it wouldn’t be the same and the wrong kind of touch would shatter it all over again, and may not be pieced together at all. i really don’t know if i’m halfway in piecing together the shards of my heart or how i’m piecing it back. all i know is that it wouldn’t be the same. where does death appear in all this? honestly, i really don’t know. it just popped into my mind. i guess if the big guy upstairs knows (and i think he definitely does) what i have been through, he might just call me and ask me to find comfort in his kingdom. as i end this entry, i thought of another saying about loneliness which i also told my friend earlier tonight, “i choose to love you in silence, for in silence i find no rejection. i choose to love you in my loneliness, for in my loneliness no one holds you but me.” hope all of you enjoy the rest of the week, and don’t worry, i’ll be back with a new entry next week.

hope everyone had a wonderful new year’s celebration. i, on the other hand, had a unusual way in welcoming the new year. i was down with the flu. and not just ordinary flu wherein you have fever and colds, it’s the kind wherein it comes with body pains which make you look like a senior citizen when you move around. after coming home from the wedding of my childhood friend on the evening of the 30th, i already felt weird. driving home that night, i was slowly starting to develop a headache and when i finally retired for the night, i felt unusually chilly. i woke up past 3am and was completely shivering, so i thought i’d take some medicine to counter the fever-like symptoms. after all, it was new year’s eve, the time to eat, drink and party, so i can’t afford to be sick. i went back to sleep again and when i woke up that morning, my condition developed into a fully blown flu–with the body aches and everything. i tried to fight it with medicine every three hours and not much activity around the house. it worked, temporarily at least, coz during the afternoon, i felt a little better and was able to set up my little light show i prepared for the midnight celebration. although i was still experiencing headaches and body pains, it was much less than what i felt when i woke up that morning. although my body was able to go along with the holiday celebration, i still kept a close watch on how i was feeling throughout the rest of the day and night when the sound of the fireworks became more intense. i wasn’t at 100%, but i’m not letting flu ruin my partying spirit. after dinner, bottles of booze started to fill the table outside where my cousins and i set up where we would welcome 2005. we promptly started drinking and reminiscing about 2004. imagine, a sickly guy drinking brandy and telling stories–sheesh, i still can’t believe i was out there when i should be resting in bed. anyways, the flu affected my taste buds, so i wasn’t able to enjoy much of the food that was served. every now and then, i would light rockets that i had ordered through a friend to keep the fireworks atmosphere going. at least the flu in a way helped strengthen my liquor toleration, or is it just i took a few shots less than my cousins? i felt better as 12 midnight came about, and lit the sparklers, giant rockets, and other fireworks during that time to welcome the new year with a bang. it would have been better if i was feeling a tad better, but at least my body was able to withstand the onslaught of the flu. after eating and greeting some friends over my cellphone, i finally went to bed. my condition went from bad to worse the morning after and it continued to be that way until sunday. i was left with no choice but to bring out the heavy antibiotic artillery. and by monday afternoon, i felt ok in time for the first workday (duh, night) of the year. i’m still taking the antibiotics but today will be the last day. i’m getting back to my old self and i only noticed one thing–i tend to eat less as i got better–i mean, my appetite hasn’t changed even when i was sick. i was still eating the same amount of food (as if it was that much), but it has lessened now. does this mean i’m on the right track to losing all that weight i gained last month? hmmm…maybe being down with the flu had something affect my appetite or something, but hey, whatever works to lose weight, right? what are my goals for 2005? well, lose weight, that’s my top priority. second is to find another company that has less work, because to tell you the truth, it has now come to the point that i have to psyche myself up each and everyday just to go to work. if that happens, then it means that i’m no longer enjoying working with that company. if i could succeed in those two things, i would consider 2005 as a good year already. all the other good things that’ll come will be just a bonus. i won’t focus much on my personal life since i still carry much of the burden of what happened last year. and i even don’t expect my sex life to pick up either. anyways, as i mentioned, if i could lose weight and transfer to another company, this year will already be a success. it was the first time i welcomed the new year not feeling “normal,” yet hopefully as the year unfolds, it gets better along the way.