the past week was “busy” to say the least. though the only main event was my brother’s birthday celebration, it was made more special with my mom coming home on that same day. she finally decided to come home after her nearly six-month stay in the US to help with our family’s struggling finances. a few weeks before, i openly told her to stay on, since she had a chance to find a permanent job together with gaining a working visa. that could really help us out, considering that we three siblings that were left here can fend for ourselves, as compared to her coming back home with a little money saved and with no concrete plans of what to do next. i guess she wanted to renew her visa here first before going back there and stay for a longer period of time and hoping to get that chance of obtaining the working visa again.

it’s kinda awkward around the house during her first few days back here. i even did the laundry and cooked dinner even when she told me that she’ll do it. force of habit i guess. well, at least in a good way. it goes to show that we siblings really trained ourselves well to survive without her doing much of the household chores and other stuff around the house. i guess the only thing i miss the most is having my privacy when i get home from work. that is the only thing i look forward to coming home. being able to sit and think without anyone disturbing me, or knowing that someone is there. especially nowadays when i constantly think of donna. i haven’t really talked to my mom about her, although she was able to meet her last saturday during my brother’s birthday party. of course, the teasing came from my uncles and cousins about her being at the house twice before, and them getting to know her before my mom did, but the good thing about it is that my mom took it all in stride. of course i’ll tell her everything when the opportunity comes. i just hope that she receives her just as warmly as my cousins, uncles, aunts, and my brother and sister did. right now, i’m having that “she’s-too-good-to-be-true” syndrome. although not in the real sense of the phrase, it’s that feeling where everything is going smoothly with the people around me about her, but again, there’s the catch. my uncle even asked my mom, “do you like donna for your son if ever they get the chance to be together? yes, she does have a boyfriend, but you can never tell.” mom just kept silent, maybe politely not commenting until she knows the real deal, but smirked in a way that would mean “yes.” with the coming months, especially on my birthday, i just hope things would be better for me.

everyday, i still reminisce that easter sunday getaway with donna, and how much i miss her being the way she was on that day. i’m currently working on something for her, i just hope that it’ll not be in vain when the time comes. but even if it is so, at least i could say that i would’ve done what’s right for me and maybe for her too. these next few weeks will be critical. i’ll explain more on my next entry, most likely on the first week of may. i hope that just as the cloud clears the way for the sun to shine outside, the same could be said for me and my continuing fight for what i believe could be something worthwhile for donna and me.

i’d like to share something that a very close friend sent me. it’s something that, i guess is kinda appropriate with the way i’m feeling the past few weeks. truth be told, i have done whatever is written below in the past to some friends who come crying to me about how they were cheated, or to just vent out their problems and lash out at the cruel world we live in. i’m just thankful that one true friend decided to repay me with the same thing i have been doing for others–just being there. i’m still feeling the same as before, disoriented, discouraged, but still hopeful that things could come around and be better, especially that my birthday is coming up in a month. as i lie in my room, reminisicing the happiness i felt the previous month during sleepless nights (days), i’m able to forget all the pain i feel at least temporarily, until reality sets in, and things go back to where they are. frankly, i have no idea what the hell i meant with what i just typed back there, so please, bear with me. with that in mind, please read on….

When no words seem appropriate…

I won’t say, “I know how you feel,” – because I don’t.
I’ve never been in exactly the same situation.
So how can I say I know how you feel?

I won’t say, “you’ll get over it,” – because you might not.
Life will have to go on, yes.
But how am I supposed to know just how it goes on for you?

I won’t say, “the people around you will be a comfort to you,” – because they might not be.
They might not even understand.
They might even be the cause of your trouble.

I won’t say, “you’re young, your whole life is before you,” – because that might not help.
The things and the people that will come your way will fill your hours, keep you busy, even give you sleepless nights.
But they might not be able to replace what or whoever you missed or lost.

You may hear all these platitudes from everyone. They will think they are helping. They don’t know what else to say. Many will avoid you because they can’t face you. Others will talk about the weather, holidays, and the rock concert, but never about how you’re coping.

So what will I say?

I will say, “I’m here, I care, anytime, anywhere.” I will talk about anything and everything – even your trouble. We’ll laugh about the good memories. I won’t mind how long you grieve. I won’t tell you to pull yourself together.

No, I don’t know how you feel – but with sharing, perhaps I will learn a little of what you’re going through. And perhaps you’ll fell comfortable with me and find your burden has eased. Try me.

thank you shandar for almost always being supportive of what i felt. you’re one of the “true friends” i really hold dear. thank you.

it’s 6:15pm and i’m supposed to be in dreamland because in a couple of hours i’m supposed to wake up and face another long day at work. but i’ve been lying in bed, awake for the past 5 or 6 hours with a lot of things running through my mind and a very heavy and sad heart.

i decided not to continue the events that happened to the story of me and donna because it’s very obvious where it will lead. my fragile, battered, delicate, shattered piece of a heart has broken again. just as when i thought everything would brighten up for me after a tumultuous year of emotional struggle, reality bites me back harder and more painful than ever before. and yet after learning from the mistakes of the past, still things couldn’t go right. but i guess this time, i may have had a share in the fault. i let myself fall for someone who isn’t capable of being in a relationship. maybe things happened way too fast, and i just got caught in the emotional high that i haven’t felt as far as my college days with my ex. maybe i was overly eager to put the past behind me and start over. maybe i bit off more than i could chew. but with all that, i still believe that everything happened for a reason. what if at that point in time, we were destined to meet? what if at that point in time, fate somehow brought us together? i just couldn’t help but think of the possibilities of her and i being together. what if this “silence” that we have between us right now is just an uphill test of my patience? and that somewhere down the line, we’ll end up in each other’s arms? but what if the ghosts of patience’s past is coming back to haunt me? or maybe it has? why would she even allow herself to be kissed knowing that she still has a relationship? is she missing her boyfriend so much that she couldn’t help herself somehow go with the flow of what we had at that particular point in time? why did she change even though she promised that she wouldn’t? and now, why am i so caught up in this thing that it hurts, it really hurts, whenever she doesn’t talk to me? the same goes when we do talk, but she doesn’t say when she can go out with me again unlike before when we used to go out almost everyday?

i can only think of one answer. it may sound cheesy, or obvious, or whatever you want to call it, i don’t care. it’s because i have really fallen in love with her. all of those times we spent together is more than enough to make me realize that this woman is worth loving. and that she made me feel happy again. i have said before that i can only be content at what i have in life, but the only time i can say that i can be truly happy is when i am with someone that makes me feel needed, wanted, and loved. and those few weeks spent with donna made me feel very happy. some of you might think, well, what about lisa? well for me, lisa will remain an unfinished chapter because of so many unanswered questions, but i have moved forward. take note, i said moved forward, and not moved on. i can only move on when that chapter has been closed. but who is to say that i can’t fall in love again after such? that’s why i said moved forward. whether the answers may come or not, it’s not up to me, it’s up to her. i tried to pick up the pieces, tried to glue them back together and i was successful. donna made me happy again. she really did. even with her situation, she managed to make me fall head over heels in love with her. and as i’ve said before, the fault may have been mine when i did. but again, as the popluar song goes, love moves in mysterious ways. but i’m right back where i started. alone, struggling, longing, waiting for her to give me a little taste of that happiness again, wondering what might have been if she only had been single at the time we met.

all i know is that i do love her. i really do. she came at a time when i really needed someone, and i didn’t realize it at first, but as time went on, my eyes and my heart opened up to her and let her in. her personality makes me alive, her smile makes my problems at work go away, talking to her makes time stand still, and just being with her makes me….happy. that’s how donna is to me. that’s how she means to me. that’s how everything in my life, in my heart is at the moment. maybe this is another test of my patience. and painful it may seem, i’ll just have to live with it. it’s a risk i’m willing to take, and a gamble i’m willing to bet my heart on. i also believe that when you love someone with all your heart, do not leave some for yourself because if you do, it’s not worth saying it at all. so bring on the pain, bring on the hurt, bring all the adversity. i’m used to feeling this way, only that each time i experience it anew, it’s bigger, harder, and more painful than before. but if at the end, it’s going to be donna and me in a loving relationship, then i’m willing to give my life for it. i’m willing to go through hell. it’s not like i haven’t tasted it before.

and if i have to go through days, weeks, or months, or even years of personal and emotional hurt, only to have one second of a relationship with her, one second of her smile, one second of her touch, and one second of her sweetest kiss before my life is taken away from me, i would. i guess every person who loves someone would do the same. after all, a happy ending is what we’re all looking for in life. whatever the cost.

ever since i met donna and started going out with her, things really brightened up for me. i was smiling more, and even with less hours of sleep because of going out with her before i head to work, i still have that extra adrenalin rush at the office. my agents and colleagues noticed that i have been upbeat lately and have also been noticing a change in my pace of work. though i don’t need to tell them why, they know that it’s someone special. if only they knew how much more it is.

the tagaytay trip nailed it. it was sheer happiness being with someone you know in your heart that that’s the person you have fallen for. it was no mistake–i really have fallen in love with this woman. my cousins welcomed her with open arms when i brought her at my place that night. she felt at home easily and had no problem mingling with my aunts and uncles. it came to me as a sign that she could be it. all the pieces are falling together at the right place. and we ended the night together by a passionate kiss which couldn’t mean anything less than a mutual attraction to one another. we continued to talk about the trip the following day and how we miss being with each other and looking forward to the next trip we’ll take. i was feeling on top of the world and for the first time in 9 years of being single, i could say that i was happy.

a few more days after the trip, we met again, this time i had to bring my sister to get a medical clearance from a doctor and she tagged along since she had a friend’s graduation party to go to. she opted not to go, if not for her friend’s persuasion for her to be there. so while waiting for my sister to finish, we drove around, went to another friend’s house and chatted away. as usual, when driving we still acted like we were in tagaytay. and after bringing her to the party, i offered to pick her up when she wanted to go home and that i could get out of work if needed. she obliged and after an hour in the office, she sent me a message that she wanted to go home. i made up an excuse that i had an emergency that i needed to leave the office and take the rest of the day off. my boss permitted me to go and i fetched her and took her home. i went home as well to take extra sleep.

the next night, we again went out, this time with three of her friends. as usual, we had a really good time joking around and laughing about anything and everything. i thought that she was going to ride with me as usual when i bring her home before i go to work but she opted to go with her friends. this kinda surprised me and since i really miss being with her alone, i felt down driving to work that night. when i arrived at work, i tried calling her multiple times and sending her messages, but she didn’t reply. now i was worried. before that, she told me that that was the last time she’ll ask me to go with her friends because i end up spending for them, which was naturally okay with me. she stopped communication that night, and i couldn’t get my head straight and work properly. it was a long night that would end up one of the worst nights at work i could ever have.

just as the shift was about to end, i received a call from a friend who i haven’t talked to in a while. sensing the need to pour out my frustrations and feelings, i asked him if we could meet for coffee that morning. he agreed and we met shortly after i got off work. i told him everything about her and how i really felt. he listened as i went through every little detail, nearly coming to tears about what transpired that night, thinking that i might be starting to lose her. he told me to tell her how i really felt to clear things out. i took his advice and drove home after spending a couple of hours with that friend of mine. when i got home, my sister told me that donna had already called once. my heart was pounding in anxiety when i heard the phone rang again…

a couple of weeks ago, i was channel surfing on one of my days off and i came across a chat channel wherein you use your cellphone to participate. admittedly, i have used that channel before, wherein i just post my digits with a message saying, “looking for someone matured and liberated woman to talk to.” a couple of seconds after seeing my message on screen, my cellphone starts to ring and chime with messages ranging from simple hello’s and requests for my name and age, to asking me what do i want to talk about and to just bug off. admittedly again, using that channel before got me laid. a couple of times. and on this particular night on one of my days off a couple of weeks ago, i was looking for the same. until i met donna. she texted her landline number upon seeing my message on screen. among the numerous messages that came in, hers was the only one who followed what i said on my message in the chatroom. so i called her. a jolly, upbeat, and strangely familiar female voice answered the phone and i asked if she was the one who sent her landline number to me. she said that she did and introductions followed suit. over the next couple of hours, we talked about almost everything. from work and previous relationships to dieting and cartoon characters. she mentioned that she has a boyfriend, although they haven’t spoken to each other for months. i was kinda surprised at this since all the women i have known and met would naturally break up with a guy after at least a month without any form of communication. but according to her, she has her reasons for holding on. she’s also not a “game” type girl and wouldn’t go for one night stands. by the time she said that, i already lost all interest of fulfilling my primary intention for posting my number in the chatroom. it was a light-hearted, funny and interesting conversation, which left me admiring her personality. we decided to meet in person. we agreed to a wednesday morning coffee session near my office after my shift tuesday night. 9:30am was the preferred time since that’s the usual time i leave the office. wednesday morning came and i still had a ton of work to do because of the queue tuesday night. now, i’m not the one who comes in late for appointments, especially if a woman is involved. so i put off my remaining work until the next day, and abruptly left the office a few minutes before our scheduled meeting. starbucks was just a couple of minutes drive from the office and i arrived exactly on time. donna wasn’t there yet. she texted me that she’ll be a little late since she’s talking to her former boss somewhere near the area. so i ordered a cafe mocha and waited. she arrived minutes before 11am. what greeted me was an apology and a sweet smile from a tall, fairly-skinned woman. her conversation with her boss ran long, plus the traffic getting to starbucks was horrendous. i found her interesting and we had another good conversation up to the time i dropped her off at a mall near where she lived, which was about a 15-minute drive from my place. although tired and quite sleepy, i was smiling on the way home on that late wednesday morning. during the next couple of days, it was one meeting, one phone conversation after another with her. coffee, lunch, dinner, she even took me to a small eatery near the our place which i found the food absolutely addictive. she also introduced me to her close friends, who are so cool. she even met my sister when i asked her to join us for lunch one time. i found myself getting closer to her during those times. i guess she was too, since we started holding hands while in the car, putting her head on my shoulders while i’m driving, and even allowing me to kiss her. we would meet before i go to work, after my shift, and during my days off. normally, i wouldn’t even think of having coffee or dinner with someone before my shift, but each time i’m with her, i have this unexplainable, indescribable feeling of utter joy. i realized that i was falling for her. here i was, falling for someone who is attached, yet i can’t escape or avoid that feeling. it was also around this time that my long, overdue episode with lisa ended, so i thought that this was the chance i was waiting for. the chance to be finally happy after 9 years of being single. the chance to be in a real relationship and to finally say that “i’m happy.” this feeling culminated on easter sunday. we went to tagaytay. why? no real reason. we just both wanted to go there. we actually planned to go the week before, but due to unforseen circumstances we ended up having dinner at friday’s alabang. since i had work on the eve of easter sunday, we decided to leave in the early afternoon. my cousins would be dropping by for a small easter gathering (read: drinking session) and i told them that i’ll be back as soon as i can with her. she agreed to meet my cousins and i also thought that as a sign that things would get better. so i went to her place, picked her up, and off we were. it was quite chilly while we were up there. we had coffee and just talked and enjoyed the view. i grabbed the opportunity to tell her that i love her but after i told her that, she just kept silent and told me to do the same. i just thought to myself that i need not say it, since my actions speak for themselves. the drive home was even more memorable. she was wrapped around me most of the time while i was driving, and we would kiss at every stoplight. we decided to make a pit stop at mcdonald’s to use the restroom and grab a snack. we were acting like a couple all the way and she was even feeding me some french fries when i started the drive home. donna was adored by my cousins and my brother when i introduced her to them. my uncle and aunts even talked to her and they received her warmly. we both had a bottle of beer and we all had laughs since it has been a while since my cousins and i have had a gathering of sorts. she also got to see my pet turtle which i’ve been talking to her about and the one she’s also looking forward to see. when the time came for me to take her home, she was asked to be at my brother’s birthday party in a couple of weeks. she agreed and they were all looking forward to seeing her again. it was really an easter sunday to remember. i asked her if she had a good time and she nodded her head in agreement. i told her that it was something that i’d hope it’ll happen again. again, she nodded her head, approving what i just said. we kissed each other goodnight (twice) before she went out of the car. we were both tired so we decided to just sleep after i got home and talk again the next day. on the phone the following day, we both said how we missed each other and she also told me that while she held on to me while i was driving with one hand, and the other wrapped around her, she felt a different sense of security; different from a friend’s embrace. thinking that since she has been away from her boyfriend for quite some time, naturally, she’d look for that feeling. and maybe, just maybe, she found it in me. things are really looking up in a relationship standpoint. then again, or so i thought…