being a friday, unfortunately, the van we rented is banned on manila streets due to number coding system in effect. although there is an open window for all vehicles until 3pm, we were sure not to make it. we then decided to stop over at tagaytay to eat and kill time until around 5:30pm where the trip back would take an hour and a half at the most, just in time for the number coding to be lifted. it was a hot and humid day, and a view of taal volcano and taal lake together with the cool breeze of tagaytay would be a welcome relief. upon arriving there, we ate at carlo’s pizza and played a board game one of my agents brought along. it was a trivia game, which most of us cannot or had a hard time answering. the place was beside starbucks and memories of easter sunday soon came back. i remembered donna telling me that we would be back there someday, but with the way things are going, it might not happen anymore. if that would be the case, i’ll be making the trip alone someday, perhaps finding what i lost or knowing what went wrong. but that would be a different time because for now, i’m with my team, and they matter right there and then.

after it seemed like minutes only due to playing that difficult game, we were finally on our way home. we made our final stop in a collette’s to buy some things for our folks back home. nearing the end of my journey (i requested to get off at bicutan exit since the van will go back to the office), “love notes” came on the radio and i caught a good part of it. it has been years since i listened to that program, and the story that night was good. but one line that the host said really caught my attention. it was during his “advice giving” portion that he said, “the only way to stop hurting, is to stop wanting.” i didn’t understand it at first, thinking how wanting something would hurt someone. i slowly realized that the more you wanted something to happen, and it doesn’t, the more it hurts you. at least that’s how i think of it. that saying still sticks to my mind until now, maybe still figuring out what it really means. i parted ways with my team and got home at around 7:30pm. i recounted what has happened during the last 48 hours as i lay in bed, thinking of the many things that could have not happened had we had that accident on the way to the beach. i could then honestly say that the team building we had was a worthwhile experience, something that i would never forget. and it’ll be something that will happen again before the year ends.

nothing much happened the next day as i woke up, only the thought that it’ll be the start of another work week that night remained on my mind. still not having fully rested from the team building, i went about my usual chores and tried to get as much sleep as i can. one of my teammates at the basketball league that i am in turned up and asking if i’ll be playing in the championship game which was moved to sunday afternoon. i again made up an excuse not to play, but the real reason was, well, donna won’t be watching. the only thing that got me excited that day was looking forward to bringing my digicam to the office to upload the pictures over the net using an online album and sharing it with my team. i did just that after a few tasks that i needed to do upon arriving at the office, and my team was very excited to see the pictures. we were all laughing and recounting events that had happened while viewing the pictures. all of us agreed that it was fun amidst the near accident we had, amidst the rush of preparing, the changes of venue we had, and the shortage of budget. everyone agreed to have one more team building session some time in september.

as i was on my way home after my shift, i realized that it was now one full week since donna and i last heard from each other. with the copy of the cd she asked me to burn playing in the background, i remembered in vivid detail the exchange of messages we had on that saturday afternoon. my thoughts then shifted to the game at hand that afternoon. i decided to sleep that afternoon to rest up since i haven’t really rested that well from our trip to the beach. i went straight to bed upon arriving home. the next thing i knew, i’m being shaken by my brother, who told me that my teammate was downstairs waiting for me to get ready for the game. admiring the effort and desire that the team needs me, i got dressed–reluctantly. i really wasn’t in the mood, nor inspired to play. even if it is a champioship game, i cannot even psyche myself up to soak the excitement and hype of the game. there was a sizable crowd on hand because we were up against the team that won the championship for the last two years, so the fans in attendance are expecting a three-peat. as the pre-game warm-ups and shootarounds got underway, i just sat on the bench, trying my hardest to get into game mode. i looked around the court, my teammates doing practice shots, and the other team doing their practice shots as well. i then slumped my head into my arms, shutting out everything from my sight and plunging into darkness. i thought of everything donna said to me. her promises, the times she said that we would go out, that she would watch the game, that she and i would go back to tagaytay. i tried building up frustration instead of inspiration so that i could have something to release into the game. i replayed those thoughts over and over again. i felt the frustration building up inside me as game time grew near. i started taking practice shots of my own a minute before the game started. i was ready.

our team was down by 12 points early into the game. we had a height disadvantage since the other team has three players over 5’11”. instead, we tried to use speed. their championship experience was showing during the course of the game. but our team was hungry. being undefeated at the eliminations showed that we want that championship. we crawled back and made it into a contest. not to brag, but i thought i played tremendously well. that, of course with the help of frustration over the personal events that had happened to me. i was aggressive, i was mad, i was fierce on the court. the images kept playing over and over in my head like a video player with the repeat button pressed. i would almost yell at the referee at every foul, shout every time i make a basket, trash-talked every time a player from the other team bumped into me. the game went into overtime when the last play i made in regulation was squandered–i was blocked as i made an attempt to the basket with three seconds left. the player who blocked my shot stared me down as the buzzer sounded. not to be outdone, i stared right back at him and before everyone knew it, we were already face to face, like wrestlers almost coming to blows. i walked slowly to our team’s bench, not letting go of my stare, smiled and told to myself, “you’re mine.”

the overtime period was a near massacre. our team came out more aggressive, determined to dethrone the champions. i got the better part of the other player, discreetly giving him little nudges and little chops that the referees wouldn’t see. in the end, we won, 84-71. as the final buzzer sounded and the crowd that rooted for us roared, i held my head down, hands on my hips and walked to the bench. i sat down, towel draped over my head and sighed. amidst the noise on the background, i heard donna’s voice in my head saying, “baby, hug me..” it was what she said when we were in tagaytay, her eyes looking at me sadly when she uttered those words. tears soon began flowing from my eyes. i was crying on the bench not because we won, but because the win was not complete without her being there. i wanted it so badly to share it with her, letting her know that she’s my inspiration, she makes me happy, she turned my life around, she’s the one i love. i quietly left the court, telling our coach that i still had work that night (which was the truth) and walked home, with tears still flowing. i went straight to my room as i got home, closed the door and wept even more. i skipped dinner, telling my mom that i wasn’t feeling well and i had to rest up for work later, and cried myself to sleep.

today was a slow day at work, my mind still disoriented and my eyes still puffy from last night. my agents thought that i didn’t get enough sleep. if the only knew. this weekend was a realization of sorts for me. realizing how i could’ve not made it to the beach, realizing how i value and love every single agent on my team, no matter how they sucked during the first few months of the year, realizing how much a certain place means to me, realizing how a woman can inspire me, and how she can break me as well. looks like it’s gonna be a long week ahead, not knowing what lies ahead. as i end this two-part entry, i’m slowly realizing that if that accident had taken place, maybe it’s not such a bad way to go after all….

be forewarned, this entry is going to be a long one. i know i had long entries in the past, but i think this one’s gonna be a bit longer. i was thinking of posting this entry in two parts, but with time constraints and unavailability of resources (posting an entry on a dial-up station gobbles up money compared to free internet at the office), i decided to put it all in one basket. although if the system won’t allow me to post my one big entry, i’ll be forced to make it a two-part story. so if i were you, i’d go get a glass of water or a cup of coffee or hot cocoa, plus something to nibble before proceeding.

this past thursday was my team’s first ever off-site team building session. of course we preferred to call it a team outing, being it summer and all, but for all intensive purposes, that’s how we ended up calling it. of course, we had a shift the night before, so everyone brought all their stuff in at work, including me, and we were all excited to end the shift and proceed to the beach. with my agents having spread out schedules, we had to wait for everyone to log out before we can leave. so that means, i have three-and-a-half hours more to burn after my shift ends. luckily enough, my ex, lei happened to be online through ym and initiated another chat session with me. contrary to what happened during the last session, this would change things a bit.

she started by telling me about her efforts to get in touch with donna and “whip up some magic” to try and turn things around. lei made up a surprise party invitation and texted donna about it. donna didn’t reply immediately, but eventually did asking lei what was that all about. grabbing the opportunity, lei told donna about me and lei being in a group back in college, and how we met last weekend, and ended up telling stories about her and how the group wanted to meet her on that “surprise birthday party.” donna said that she was not sure, reasoning an out-of-town trip. i then told lei the real story behind that trip. i explained about her boyfriend coming home that week (it is described on my previous entries, so i won’t elaborate it here further. just check it out) and that she’s going up to clark to meet him. i also told lei about what kind of a boyfriend donna has and how his work “hampers” him from making any sort of communication with his girlfriend back home. being a woman, i was expecting some sort of agreement response from her regarding a boyfriend’s attitude in a long-distance relationship (which i honestly and truly believe that never works). instead, she just felt sorry for me about that and the topic came to a screeching halt. i told her that it’s ok and told her about my “project” (which i won’t be describing here until it has been rolled out). i was so excited when i told her, but her response was the opposite. she told me that it’s not worth it for someone like donna. i defended my would-be actions, explaining that i need to do that for myself and that some of my other friends suggested to have “the talk” with her and i’ll be using that to incorporate what i have in mind. still defiant, she persuaded me to not proceed with what i’m planning and move on. i was surprised and saddened with her stand that our replies to one another slowed down. i then told her that if this changes her promise to help me out with donna, then i’m asking lei to stop texting donna altogether. with the last of my agents soon logging out, i pleaded with her just to “back off” from donna if she really disagrees with what i’m planning and not text her about what my plan was. with that, our conversation ended.

excited to get out of the office, we raced towards the rented van and waited for the others. some brought handycams and started filming, and others (including me) who brought digicams started taking pictures. with one of my agents bringing a car, we were quite comfy sitting on the van (13 of us, including the driver) and we were off 30 minutes after stepping out of the building. we stopped for supplies at a gas station near the highway, and some bought lunch to eat while on the way. the ride was smooth all throughout, except for one portion which was really, and i mean really smooth that the van spun 180 degrees on the road. everything happened so fast. we were all laughing, joking around, teasing while the van was cruising at about 60kph at the main road in tagaytay, just past the highlands. suddenly, i just noticed that the van was already sideways, eating both lanes of the road. all of us became quiet instantly, as the van spun on the open road, 45, 60, 90 then 180 degrees and we suddenly stopped on a grassy portion just beside the road on the other lane, just beside a house. no one said a word for a full five seconds as the driver started the van and continued on our way. one of us then uttered, “thank you Lord” and all of us soon followed suit. the women were all shaken and the guys were just quiet as we contemplated on what just happened. the good things about that were (as if there is any “good” thing from a near-accident) there was no vehicle on the other lane, and behind us, the driver had excellent control over what was vehicle as it was spinning, we didn’t hit the house, or anything on the side of the road, and the van didn’t turn turtle as it was spinning. if any of those had happened, then you would be reading this in some newspaper. still reeling from the experience, all of us in the van were then talking about what they were thinking at that exact moment. but, being the wacky bunch that my team is, jokes and teases soon came flying again. i guess we’re just covering up what happened so that we could still have a good time at the beach.

after about an hour and a half more of travel, we finally arrived at our destination–safely, if i may add. we started unpacking and headed to our cottage. some of us rested, changed clothes, while some continued down to the beach, handicam in hand, filming away. we then prepared the food we were about to have for dinner. as some already owned up to what they want to do, with nothing else left for me to help out on, i went down to the beach to see the ocean. it was already dark, and all i saw was black water, with white waves coming in. some of my agents already helped themselves and went into the water for a dip. i breathed the salty air and listened to the relaxing sound of the waves while i sat on the sand as my agents frolicked and played in the water, occasionally inviting me to join them. i politely declined, preferring to swim in the morning where i can see the water more clearly. a few more minutes after, we all had dinner. as usual, laughter and teasing filled the dining hall as we feasted on grilled pork, rice, chicken and pork adobo. after dinner, some still insisted and went on swimming, others just rested, some took pictures left and right.

well into the night, we then had our team drinking session. all of us were there, as it also served as an open forum of sorts. each agent went around the table, telling what he/she thinks of that agent. there were positive comments as well as negative ones. the session ended up with me telling each of my agents how they are personally, and what i think they need to improve on. it was an eye-opening session for all of us, and i think all of us learned something new from the experience. of course, things were not all serious, as potential “hidden feelings” between agents were conjured up and became close to being known. we ended up close to around 3:30am as one by one, some of my agents went back to the cottage to sleep, tired from work the previous night and the trip to the beach. i stayed on, since there wasn’t enough room on the cottage for me to get some shut-eye. i just rested my head on the table and got 15-minute power naps, occasionally waking up just because i suddenly woke up.

at first light, with almost everybody still asleep, and around three of my agents still swimming (they just spent their time in the water after the session), i started cleaning up the mess from last night. we had breakfast shortly, and as some of the others were waking up, i asked them to join in. coffee and hot chocolate was served, together with bread and leftovers from last night. after eating, i decided to go down to the water for a dip. some of my other agents who still can’t get enough from swimming almost the entire night last night, joined in. the water was cool, and the waves were high and sturdy. we played and swam for a couple of hours until the sun’s heat rose and i had to get out of the water, lest i end up changing skin color. i then took a shower and changed clothes since we were leaving at around 12:30pm. i then spent the rest of the morning wandering around the beach, taking pictures with some of my agents and checking out the scenery. before we left, we gathered all in one room and told our “closing comments” on film which was being done by an agent. after a few more picture taking sessions, we were off to manila.

since changing shifts and rest days last week, i now go to work on sunday nights. while i normally wouldn’t be so upbeat with the thought of being at the office at nights wherein i could just sit back at the porch, pop open a bottle or two of a chilled beverage (alcoholic or otherwise), and just stare at the stars with my thoughts wandering off to every direction imaginable except to the confines of my work desk, working on sunday nights doesn’t have the same pressure it has during weekdays. not to mention that there are no bosses around so i don’t have to watch my back every now and then. the only thing is, since the atmosphere is so relaxed, time tends to crawl at a snail’s pace. what i could normally do in a full weekday’s shift, i could finish in half the time on sunday shift.

it was around 7:30am monday morning, and the last three and a half hours remaining on my shift was like a whole week’s worth of wait. i decided to check my yahoo email since i received a message on my messenger that i had two new messages. both of those emails were forwarded messages, like a chain email kind of thing wherein it says that you have to forward this email to this number of people or your wish won’t come true, or you’ll have bad luck for a week. quite frankly, i didn’t believe in those kinds of messages, even if there are stories in it on how forwarding that message made things better, or their wish came true, or what they wanted became a reality. but since i had plenty of time on my hands, and the things i did for the entire shift were serious work, i decided to indulge a little and play along. i checked my yahoo messenger and scanned for people to forward the emails to. it didn’t matter if they’re online or not, i just need their yahoo id’s. i decided to forward the first message to 10 people, and the second one to 20 (hah, talk about indulgence!). after doing so, i leaned back on my chair, wondering what to do next.

suddenly, a yahoo instant message from my ex-girlfriend lei (back in college) popped on my screen. apparently, she received both my emails (i included her in both those emails i forwarded) and asked me “why forward so many? are you that desparate to have your wish come true before your birthday?” somehow, there was a little truth to that. before forwarding those emails, i read them (like, duh!) and, still reeling from the conversation donna and i had saturday through text, plus the fact that i really am missing her, the feeling of indulgence somehow turned to desparation (well, not entirely). i jokingly replied to lei to “yeah, continue teasing me.” lei and i haven’t talked in years. the next thing i knew, we’re already having a conversation. i suddenly realized how long it has been since we even last talked to each other personally. but even though we don’t talk or see each other, we have this understanding that we’d always be there for each other. during the course of our conversation, i told her that i have this blog and asked her to check it out to see how i have been for the past few months (since i started working on this just late last year). she asked if there was anything “juicy” she should know about, i told her about donna and how our current situation is. lei then scanned my blog for the entries that started my story with donna. what followed was a serious conversation about moving on, and coming to terms with the real reason why “i cannot move on/have another girlfriend after her” (she claims that i haven’t done that, even though i know deep inside of me that i have moved on. it’s been years for heaven’s sake!) and finding someone who isn’t “taken” and that “i could call my own” (ouch).

she then talked about her side of the fence, saying how stressed she has been lately, the pressure of having a married life, and everything (she got married by the way last year, if i’m not mistaken). she then added that the conversation that we’re having was something she needed. i came to realize that maybe that was something i needed as well. touching base with an ex (which in turn became a good and close friend) was something i wasn’t expecting that day, but it turned out to be a very meaningful and heart-warming conversation. she offered to help with donna, saying that she would “talk” to her about me, should i accept it and decide to give her number. trusting her, i did. though nothing solid has happened yet, i still have to hear from lei about their conversations (if they had any). i still haven’t texted donna, thinking that she may be still mad at me for “questioning” her activities and not reply back. i guess i’ll leave it up to fate and lei to “whip her magic,” as she nicely put it. she asked me if i wanted her, i said no, i love her (which is the truth). she then asked me twice if i’m sure, to which i replied with a yes twice as well. we said our goodbyes and with the promise of keeping in touch more often, and i drove home with a smile on my face for the first time in weeks, looking forward to something better in the next coming days. with a laugh, i thought to myself, “maybe that email mantra thing is indeed starting to take effect….”

it’s three weeks before my birthday and things couldn’t be any better than they were before. my basketball team is undefeated in the summer league tournament and we’re playing in the finals this saturday, episode three is coming up and i have already reserved tickets, the team i’m handling at work is finally getting its groove and is off to a great start (metrics-wise) this month, and i finally upgraded my PC at home. oh, did i mention that donna and i had an argument? such a great way to cap a week.

it has been over a month since she and i went out and i was constantly asking her if we could have coffee, lunch, or dinner during my days off and she would reply with an “i’m-not-sure,” or “let’s-see,” or “i’m-not-in-the-mood-to-go-out,” or “i-have-no-plans-of-going-out-today” statements. how things were different a month and a half ago when her responses were, “now? sure!” or “let’s meet up after your shift,” or “tomorrow? why not before you go to work later tonight?” half of the time, she would be the one to invite me to go out. as i was saying, every week, every God-given week, i tried to ask her out to no avail. ironically, every time we would talk over the phone, she would talk about how she went out with her friends, how she visited a friend at his home just to hang out, or how some of her other friends just dropped by and asked her to join them and she would in an instant, or how another friend would just text her and ask her to meet up and she would. at first i didn’t mind. i thought to myself, “well, she does have a lot of friends” but as the number of failed attempts increased, i started to ponder. “is she still that uneasy to go out with me after we had that ‘talk?'” but amidst that thought, i kept the faith, hoping that someday, somehow, i would have one afternoon or an evening spent with her.

things came to a head just this saturday. a day before, i just bought my new PC at Festival Mall in Alabang. as i was setting it up with a help of a friend, donna called and mentioned how she went to the same place where i was that afternoon. i was actually thinking of texting her that time, telling her where i was and maybe we could meet up. i almost got mad at myself learning that she was there, alone just wandering about when i could’ve been with her, even for a short while! she then told me that her feet and legs were hurting, most likely tired from walking around for a couple of hours. we talked again on saturday, sometime after lunch and i told her that i had another basketball game coming up that afternoon and asked her to watch. she said, “my feet are still aching. if there’s a wheelchair there, i would watch,” and added that she had no plans of going out that day. of course, the wheelchair thing was a joke but i got the picture. so we ended our conversation a few minutes before the game and i got ready. i texted her, saying that i’m dedicating the game to her and hope that we win. on the way, i was thinking about how she told me that she would watch my games together with my sister. that was almost a month before the tournament started when i told her i was joining. and that after the first two games, she said that it’s not a short tournament and that there are still games left for her to watch. now being the last game, with a sure slot at the finals, she still isn’t there. i suddenly felt uneasy and felt that i don’t want to play or didn’t have the drive to play anymore. surprisingly, our opponent that afternoon didn’t show up, therefore handing the victory to our team by default and securing our place in the finals next week. i felt kinda relieved that i didn’t get to play that day. before heading home, i told my teammates that i won’t be able to play in the finals. i just made up a reason but the reality is, for sure donna wouldn’t be there to watch and i wouldn’t be able to play at the level i would want to be, and i thought i best to not play at all rather than to play unfocused and distracted. upon arriving home, i was greeted by a message from donna on my cellphone that she went out and visited someone. i was shocked and surprised by the message, thinking all the while that her feet were hurting, and that she didn’t have any plans of going out that day. all the frustrations of asking her out in vain piled up that very moment, together with her stories of going out with some of her other friends on days “that she’s not in the mood to go out.”

disapponted and reeling from that message, i replied: “just got home and read your message. i thought your feet are still hurting for you to go out? i guess you’re still not comfortable going out with me because you always don’t say yes whenever i ask you out. it’s ok, i understand. i just hope you would be honest enough to say ‘no’ and not tell me ‘i’m not sure’ or ‘i can’t go out’ and then telling me stories of how you went out with your other friends. again, as i’ve said, it’s ok. by the way, we won again, like it matters to you. i told my teammates that i wouldn’t be playing in the finals next week. i made up a reason, but the truth is, i know you wouldn’t be able to watch, so i’m not that excited to play anymore, even though it’s my first time to play in a championship game. anyways, take care. hope you’re feet doesn’t hurt you all the more and don’t forget to eat your dinner. i miss you, i really do.”

she then replied a few minutes later, saying that she was on her way to a hospital with some friends to visit another friend who was confined (i assumed that was the case). she added that she was the one driving and that her feet were still hurting, and that the good thing was the car was an automatic. i replied back saying to drive safely and take care. still disappointed, i tried to sleep it off, but with the weather being so humid, i just laid on my bed, eyes closed, but still thinking of what happened. i was half asleep when my cellphone beeped with another message from her, “we’re here. i didn’t like the content of your message. next time, don’t question my activities/errands. if you’re like that, then we better not talk.” i was even more shocked at that message. i never, in the time i have known her, questioned about what she did on the times she went out. i was still stunned at that message, but i was able to reply with, “i’m not questioning or objecting to your activities/errands. i never did. honestly, ever. you know me. i’m sorry if it came out that way.”

after sending that message, i crashed back into bed, wondering what the hell was going on. i thought to myself that maybe she’s just too tired and with feet aching too much, replied with what she said. i sent a follow-up message saying, “what i’m trying to say is that why can’t you say yes whenever i ask you out? i mean i tried many times to do so, but you say that you’re not always available, or you’re not sure. before, you didn’t hesitate to say yes to coffee at starbucks or go wherever i’d invite you to. there were even times that you would ask me out. you know what, i was even wondering when you would drop by here at home just to hang out whenever i don’t have work like what you do with your other friends. but again, as i’ve said, it’s ok. i understand. you don’t need to get mad at me because i never, ever questioned you on the times you went out. you’re free to go wherever you want or need to go. it’s just that i really miss being with you and spending time with you. that’s it, that’s really it. if you’re gonna get mad at me because i miss being with you, then i can’t do anything about that. that’s the truth. it may be corny, but that’s it.”

she hasn’t replied, or called me up after that. i didn’t even go to work that night. i just went out, drove around thinking what will happen over the next few weeks. i found my way to antipolo where i spent most of my time there, sitting in the car, a can of beer in hand. i just reminisced the times donna and i spent together, and how happy i was during those days. i stopped by two churches and heard to masses before going home like i just came from work. being mother’s day, i even bought pancit for my mom. emotionally and physically tired, i crashed into bed after sharing a meal with the family. as i’ve said, things couldn’t be more better than they are right now. things are going fine. no, they’re great…just great…

it’s very seldom that i have multiple entries in one week. i just happen to post one now maybe because i need an outlet. i’ve been getting anxious and quite restless for a couple of days now, especially when i’m at work, wishing that the day would end and i’d be back home. she hasn’t called or even let her presence felt since i brought her to the venue for her interview for a job opportunity this past tuesday afternoon. i had previously offered her to bring her to her interviews, for one because it’s cheaper than taking a cab. she never did take me up on my offer until that fateful tuesday. although she did let me know that she had a scheduled interview that day, i still texted her, letting her know that if she wanted to, i could pick her up and drop her off and head home. i didn’t even think of waiting for her since she and her friend would be meeting up after her interview. she was quite sleepy from her earlier appointment with the DFA in which she accompanied her mom and aunt, although she was still perky and upbeat because she’s excited about potentially getting the job. while we’re together in the car, i was really itching to hold her hand just to reassure her or comfort her, but something at the back of my mind was stopping me from doing so. maybe because she might brush it off, or worse, put my hand away and feel more awkward around me which may lead to lesser communication between us. just a few weeks ago, it was natural for my hand to find hers and she would hold on like a person in need of care. i was even keeping my hand on the shift stick and even tapping to the beat of the music playing in the background on it just to maybe make her reach out, touch and hold my hand herself, but to no avail. the funnier thing is, when she was about to get off, i was pulling up near the drop off point when i pressed the hazard signal, but there was a car in front of us. she asked me to go further near the building’s entrance, to which i replied that there is a car. she then told me that i had already pressed the hazard signal, maybe letting her know that she can get off right there. i said no, and instinctively added that i didn’t want her to get out and just spend the afternoon with her. she then surprisingly said that if only she could not get off….but jokingly added that if i were to compensate her equivalent of the job she might be getting, then she’d stay. after wishing her luck and seeing her off, i went straight home. that was the last time i saw and talked to her. i texted her that night and the next day, asking how her interview was and that if she could find time to call me up. nothing from her.

it’s been almost three days now. the longest time that we weren’t able to talk was for one day. so i guess i have every reason to be on edge. one friend told me that she can just call me when she wants, or when she feels like it, so i have no right to expect her call. true, i guess, but maybe i’m still used to her calling me up almost everyday. i just hope she’s ok. and i’m still hoping that she’d get to watch my team’s basketball game on a summer league i joined. i have another game this afternoon, and i already dedicated all my games to her. our team is 2-0 and gunning for a slot in the semis. i guess making me dedicate my games to her makes me play harder. what more if she’s really there. i think that now i feel a little bit relieved, now that i’ve put my thoughts in writing. but the anxiety will continue to build up again as her silence continues. i guess i just have to continue working on that project i have for her. *sigh*