“…’commitment’–it’s what makes you tick; the only problem is, you’re just not good at letting go…”

i decided to start my entry with that quote from the latest episode of “Lost” which can be seen on AXN every thursday at 9pm. why? well, simply because it hit close to home, if not directly. it was said by the father of one of the main characters of the program on his impending marriage. nervous about maybe not ending up as the husband or even the father he hopes to be, the doctor (jack, the main character) asked his father if he should still marry her fiance. and the father responds with the given quote. i guess that on all the relationships i’ve had, i used the same approach. once i commit to someone or something, i go all the way. like a racehorse with blinders at the side of the eyes i block out all distractions and keep a razor-sharp focus on what’s in front of me. i guess that in the same way, with the same blinders, i tend to lose sight of the bigger picture of things so that when the time comes, for one reason or another, that the thing or the relationship i committed to suddenly ends, i still go on, continuing to be blinded by that strong sense of commitment.

honestly, i believe all relationships should have that approach. although without the blinders. you may ask, what are those “blinders” i’m talking about? well, there is actually only one which can multiply into all sorts things or grow bigger, thus blocking your sense of, well, sanity for one the more you keep it close to you. and that is fear. fear of making the same mistakes, fear of failed relationships past, fear of not living up to the expectations of the one you love, fear of maybe not being the “one” for him/her, fear that he/she is not serious about you compared to what you have for him/her, or fear that he/she might actually meet someone better than you. any of these given fears will lead to the one fear we hate the most–fear of losing the one you love.

which brings me to another quote i came across. this time, the quote was mentioned in episode three of star wars (which i watched on dvd last week). i’m not sure if this is the exact wording used but i’ll try to get into the main message of it. who said it? well, it’s the all-wise and powerful yoda and it goes,

“…train yourself to let go of the things you fear to lose…”

…or something to that effect. in any case, it teaches us to live life to the fullest. that life goes on. that there may be something better that awaits us. that we too, like the relationships we have, will one day have our own end. but there is one thing that puzzles me though, and in no way do i mean any harm to jedi purists out there reading this, but how can a person of the jedi order block feelings of love (especially when it comes to relationships) and continue doing good when in doing good itself, some sort or degree of love is involved? you may say the same thing about priests or the religious, but that’s a whole different ballgame.

in any case, who am i or where is my place to question such things? i’m only human and last i heard, humans aren’t perfect to say the least. all i know is that we can all learn from both the quotes i’ve mentioned. no matter how we look at it, no matter how we think of it, or how we feel about it, at the end of the day, it’s our perception about life and love that’s important. love is the most mysterious of all mysteries and at times, there is no right or wrong when decisions are made in the name of love. for me, i have had no regrets doing what i have done, especially in the last few months. the decisions i made have given me maybe a step or two closer to finding out the bigger picture destined for me. but as of now, i still can’t seem to figure out what it is, or how will it pan out.

i guess only one question remains my friends sometimes ask me that i also need to ask myself: based on the relationships i’ve had and the attempts i have also made to have one, do i really have a hard time letting go? for now, the only answer i could give is in a form of another quote which i have mentioned before: “when you tell someone that you love him/her with all your heart and soul, never leave some for yourself, otherwise it’s not worth saying it at all.”

on the personal side of things, nothing new happened what’s quite interesting to take note was that communication between donna and i improved. wait, hold on, let me explain what that means before things pop into your head. let’s backtrack to my birthday. after doing what i did (i need not explain it here again, just scroll down if you want to read it all over again), i promised myself that i won’t be initiating any kind of communication with her, and that everything is up to her. if she calls, fine, we talk. if she sends me a text message that needs a reply, then i reply back. but in under no circumstances would i start or initiate any form of communication whatsoever.

i’m proud to say that since that day, i haven’t done anything to break that personal promise to myself. now you’ll be asking, how did communication between me and donna improve? the answer is quite simple: she calls me now more often. the last time we talked was saturday night, before i got ready to go to work. and we actually talk close to five times a week. all during the same time, say around 11:30pm until around 1am. yeah, it’s quite surprising because after the birthday incident until the accident (may 24 to june 23 to be exact) she called me maybe a total of five or six times. since the accident, as i’ve mentioned, she calls me almost every night. what do we talk about? well, nothing serious, just how our days went and all that. she does more of the talking actually, telling me about her being out always and the time she spends with her friends. i admit, i thought of asking her out again, but not wanting to have ghosts of “we’ll see” past and reminding myself of the promise i made, the thought never became reality. although we did see each other once. the last time i saw her before that was during my brother’s birthday party, meaning it was two months before i got to see her again. but it wasn’t anything out of the ordinary, although it was quite important which prompted us to meet for a few minutes. the reason? well, she needed money to settle a financial obligation and her friends who owed her money weren’t able to pay up when needed. it actually started out as a joke (the way she asked me if i could help her out by lending her money) because the amount was farily large. without hesitation, i said yes. she then asked me if i was joking and i said no. i still had spare cash from the loan i got and rather than spending it on some unnecessary things, i thought i’d rather help her out by lending her the money. which led to us meeting after my shift for a few minutes just to give her the money. i acutally forgot what day that was, but it didn’t matter to me anymore.

i guess you’re wondering why, after all that she’s done to me, would i do something like that for her? i sometimes ask that question myself, but it all boils down to someone i hold dear and close to my heart asking for my help and i would answer in my own simple way. i also really try not to jump to conclusions on the reason why she calls me more often now, but i can’t help but notice the trend. i actually thought that after the “questioning activities” squabble we had over the cellphone to her telling me about throwing away the letter i had for her on my birthday that that was it. that if ever she would call me, it would be like once a month or longer. one friend even told me, “maybe she still has feelings for you that she’s trying to sort out by talking to you and finding out if you have changed.” honestly, i don’t know and don’t want to know if there is still any kind of feeling i have for her because the last time i did talk about it, i ended up getting nothing. but to be more honest, yes, i do think about her sometimes, but it’s merely reminiscing what we had. i actually don’t look forward to her calls; in fact, i’m always asleep everytime she calls me. i just wake up at the sound of the phone ringing and finding out that it’s her. being the person i am, i won’t just brush her off by saying i’m sleeping because i have work later (i actually never did that to anyone who called me while i’m sleeping) and just continue the conversation. as of now, all i can say is that we talk on a regular basis, but nowhere near about us gong out or the like. you can say that donna and i have been reduced to being “phone pals.”

is there anything to look forward to, you ask? in my opinion, i don’t think there is any and i wouldn’t like to think that there is any. although she hasn’t paid me back (i told her to pay me when she’s quite stable in her expenses) i still continue to not think of anything unless it happens. that, in a nutshell concludes my comeback entry. i wanted to touch base on the political crisis in the country, but with the easing of the tension over the past few days, my comment would be quite offline, so to speak. i only have one thing to say about it though, but before i do, i want to make it crystal clear that i am not pro-gma, nor am i pro-opposition. with that in mind, here’s my thought on the subject of the “hello garci” fiasco: is there something wrong with a candidate, be it the incumbent president or not, to call up an elections officer asking him/her the margin she has over her opponent? i mean seriously? is it really that bad or is it against election rules? if it was, then an administrative punishment would be enough. if there are allegations of cheating basing on that conversation (which i personally think doesn’t have any if you analyze the conversation with logical thinking) then proceed with the impeachment process. asking the president to step down is so passe. just because we were able to force one president to step down doesn’t mean we can always do the same henceforth. it’s just me, thinking aloud. comments? most welcome!!