though your departure came as a sudden surprise to both of us, we have always talked about it on numerous ocassions. at times, we even fought on the reasons why we should stay together and why we should go our separate ways. though we tried to understand each other's shortcomings, you and i both know we tried everything to make up for it and move forward with our relationship together. though in this case now, it really had to end.

our last night together was one i really won't forget. it was the same feeling i had when we spent our first night together. we just laid there, and went back through time and reminisced all the things we've shared. all the laughter and tears, the naughty thoughts we've exchanged, and the beautiful music we've created.

i remember the first time i saw you almost a two years ago. you captivated me, tormented my imagination, and, like a spell you've cast on me, made you irresistable. for months i tried to fight it, but when i see you in passing or by chance, you never fail to capture my attention and make me surrender to your beauty. yet at the back of my mind, thoughts and questions still lay unanswered. "are you worth it?" "will this be it?" "are you the one i'm destined to be with?" these questions kept me up all night wondering if i should take the risk. although there were others more deserving for me, i didn't pay attention to them and just focused on you. until finally, i gave in. the day i professed my feelings for you, you then became elusive, making me more tormented and obsessed to be with you. yet i became patient, and waited for the right time. and happily, it paid off. even if you made your limitations known, blinded by your essence, i still was drawn to you. and the day we were together was like a match made in heaven.

the 14 months that we were together made both of us realize that we both have grown and matured. there were times when i get frustrated at you, yet i still couldn't leave you behind. and even in the times that i did leave you, i'd always come back for you. every day and every minute, we were inseparable. you were there for me in my darkest days and in the few moments that i'd shine. you never left my side when i wanted to be as far away from you as possible. and even if there are times when you would run out on me, i understood and let you be. this goes to show that we really deserved to be together, even if the odds are against us staying together.

through all these, amidst the shock i'm still feeling which i know in time i'll get over, i want to glorify, praise, and thank you for all the things you have done for me. that shows what you're capable of, and for that, i have nothing but respect and love for you. i hold you in the highest standard and would sing praises to people when i'm asked to talk about you. you have made me a better person and for that, again, i say nothing but thanks. though we'll see each other from time to time, and when we do, i'll never fail to say hello and give you that smile you always wanted to see. i'll miss you and the nights we've spent together. you have been very wonderful to me. thank you. goodbye.

rarely do i get upset about the things happening in society, the government and how the majority of the people (read: the masses) think. what's much more rare is that i let my sentiments about it be posted here. looking back, the last thing that i found really, really, really stupid about people going crazily mad about something that really makes no sense getting that much attention is the ad about the whiskey being compared to a 15-year old girl (where the ad reads, "have you tasted a 15-year old lately?" in filipino). frankly speaking, i don't see any connection whatsoever between that brand of whiskey and molesting a young girl. and yet these so-called "moralists" cried foul saying it insinuates child prostitution. i mean, WHAT???!!! only perverts think that. so putting two and two together, these "moralists" are the ones who have perverted minds. but anyway, that's another story.

the other thing i'm stark raving mad about is how the investigation is being done on the aftermath of the stampede that happened last weekend over a noontime show's first anniversary celebration. as early as now, pardon me for posting the next sentence is all caps because i just want to make one point very, very clear: THERE IS NO ONE TO BLAME, NOR SOMEONE SHOULDN'T BE CRIMINALLY CHARGED FOR WHAT HAPPENED LAST SATURDAY. no, i'm not defending the network (abs-cbn), nor i'm siding with them. quite frankly, i watch the other noontime show on the other network, most specifically, a certain portion where knock-knock jokes are blown out of proportion (it always gets a kick out of me for some reason). but i'm just looking at the bigger picture. does the word "accident" even exist anymore? nowadays, when someone from the authorities say that when a certain "tragedy" or "accident" happens, what always comes next is, "someone will be held liable." so what if 30,000 people want to come and see if they are lucky enough to win the prizes up for grabs? it's their freedom and right to do so. yet the relatives of those who died are still thinking of pressing charges?! it's not the organizers' fault, nor was it the network's. whatever the preparations the network and program organizers had to contain the crowd had already been put in place. they got a venue they think was applicable for such an event and form what i understand, is the only one available at that time to accommodate a big crowd. it's not the network's fault that they didn't anticipate a bigger number of people waiting in line to get in. whatever "contingency plan" the investigators are pursuing should have been implemented is already mute at that point because whatever was in place was what had been planned. going back to what i said earlier, they did not know that there was a much bigger number of people, more that what they had expected to arrive for the show. it was an accident (pure and simple) waiting to happen. not that i'm also saying that it was the fault of the people who went there, but merely, a lack of common sense. the crowd was already told that it cannot accommodate everyone into the venue, yet these people, instead of going home and calling it a day, still insisted on getting in. with that in mind, let me say it again: IT WAS AN ACCIDENT WAITING TO HAPPEN.

the network's big boss already claimed full responsibility for the incident and vowed assistance and help to the families of the victims. which i think is and should be enough. period. there's already no need in forming these "panels" or "investigating bodies" or "task forces" to "get those responsible and put them to justice." it's just a big waste of time and resources. and just this morning, i read in the paper that the people who were at the venue were "treated like animals" by the organizers, especially those who camped out for days before the show. WHAT THE HELL?!?! should the network also be responsible for the food and lodging of it's viewers who want to get in and therefore slept outside? again, those who went there early are responsible for looking out for themselves in the first place. it's what is called "personal responsibility." you go there, you take care of yourself and don't ask (read: beg) for food or money and all the more you shouldn't blame the organizers for not providing you with such. on the same newspaper, i also read that the government is considering cancelling the license to operate of the network because of what happened. WHAT THE F**K?!?!? just because of one accident, does that tantamount to closure?? look at the network's reputation. how many accidents have they had regarding the same scenario? none, right? the network have worked long and hard to build it's reputation for being the country's biggest network through blood, sweat and tears, and now just because of one accident, and that's it, bye bye network? people in government have a really f**ked up way of thinking.

i admire the show's host, mr. willie revillame for what he said in an interview hours after what happened. as we all know, the entertainment industry here in the philippines is contained to abs-cbn channel 2 versus gma 7. and it's no secret that both stations have slugged it out for years for ratings supreme. one would sometimes manage to topple the other and vice versa in methods unimaginable for the common televiewer. yet mr. revillame, in all humility asked and pleaded that for once, these two network giants help one another in providing assistance to the victims of the stampede. that for once, let them forget the ratings war and work together since they have the same interest–which is to provide quality entertainment for the people. now that's a class act by someone who i didn't really like before. but knowing the history of these two networks, i'm closely watching the actions of the other network and trying to see if they are, in one form or another, trying to take advantage of the other's misfortune by either saying that they're the better, more people-friendly network or influence people in government or the authorities to bring down abs-cbn. believe me, if they do, then gma 7 would have sunk beneath the depths of the lowest of the low. again, i'm partial between these two since i watch shows on both. it's just interesting to see what they will do in this situation.

i said it once, i said it twice, and i'll repeat it once more. there's no one to blame in this incident. it is a tragedy, yes. and yes, there will be lessons learned from this. but to accuse the show's organizers and the network bosses for being irresponsible for a natural event (read: mob mentality) which i know and believe that they have done anything and everything to control and contain the people wanting to get in to enjoy for two or three hours on a weekend, is really, really, really absurd, uncalled for, pathetic, stupid, a big waste, silly, it shows incompetence and lack of common sence in people in government and the authorities, and is just plain sick. what really needs to be done is to help out the families of the victims, to make sure they're given everything they need to start over and move on. and maybe, just maybe, to define the word "accident" as it really is.

i guess most, if not all of you, have experienced the feeling of standing on the edge of something you cannot escape from; wherein all you have to do is face it and/or ride it out and hope that somehow you come out of that thing (whatever it is) still breathing, if not barely conscious. it may not necessarily be physical in nature, but, more often than not, those "emotional rollercoasters" almost always leave you in shambles; in bits and pieces in which you yourself won't recognize. and even if you do get out of it alive, you won't be the same person anymore, scarred for life in which the mere mention of that event brings you back to where it all happened again.

i have referenced this before on a previous entry (i'm guessing sometime early last year if i'm not mistaken) wherein if one survives an ordeal as grave as how the results would leave you lying, then that person would be compared to a broken vase that would somehow be put and glued back together. it won't be as strong as it once was and a mere nudge will guarantee renewed breakage, create additional pieces and entail more difficulty putting it back together. imagine a person who goes through several of those events and how he/she is now. an average person would have "nervous breakdown" written all over.

i have survived many a great deal of these "personal storms" that have come my way, whether it directly involved me or i unconsciously happened to be on the path of one at the wrong place and at the wrong time (read: like a deer crossing the road at the middle of the night, caught at the onset of a speeding pair of headlights). and though the saying "what won't kill you makes you stronger" holds to be true for most people, i have to admit, i'm not the same person i was a decade ago. the series of personal and emotional challenges i have been through were supposed to make me a better person. i have come out of them time and again bruised, battered, a bloddy mess, barely standing on my own two feet and on the verge of hearing the flatline sound. yes, it didn't quite kill me and i have learned a lot of things from them, but ironically, the "makes you stronger" part only lasted after the first few episodes. the recent wave of personal setbacks (the latest being before christmas this past year) left me questioning if i should continue treading through the murky and uncertain waters on the way to personal happiness (read: lovelife) or toss the anchor, throw in the towel, raise the white flag, turn off the searchlights, stop attempts at CPR, disconnect from the life-support system and pronounce my lovelife as dead. D-E-D, dead (strangely how i still find humor in all of this).

i thought i finally did that last year. but apparently, through sheer luck (i personally prefer calling it outright stupidity), something brought it back to life. or rather, someone did. and quite ironically, the wave of events that transpired after meeting that person is coming full circle in a couple of weeks, and i'm bracing for the nostalgia and missing the feeling i had during that time. and even though i try hard not to think of it, whenever i wake up, i'm always reminded of it like a shadow that follows me wherever i go. to add further insult to an already aggravated injury, this month was the time my last real relationship ended exactly 10 years ago! single for 10 years….i cringe at the mere thought of it.

i guess that's where two popular words, "fate" and "destiny" come in. no matter how hard i try, no matter how i learn from my previous mistakes, no matter how different my approaches are (i'm beginning to sound like a boyzone song), if it's not meant to be, then it isn't. whoever i take fancy to. and that feeling has already sunk in if i'll be looking at my history. i guess gone were the days when intentions meant for someone are pure and nothing else (worse, pure intentions for someone else are interpreted as malicious), that the basis for finding someone is based on not how simple one is, but how well-off or prominent that person is; and that promises are now made to be really broken. anybody care to disagree with me on that?

"i'm born to be single and to help others realize their happiness with someone meant for them," is what's constantly on my mind these days. and why not? i'm doing a helluva good job at that. i guess that is the path that has been laid for me. in the few times that i may fancy someone new, the mere thing i'm after is the feeling that i can still like someone, but not pursue any real relationship anymore since it'll end up the same as before. it kinda reminds me that i'm in fact still human (at least in some form) by the simplest standards. and in ending this "pre-valentine" entry, i would like to quote a line from a song which i'm constantly playing nowadays. the line clearly reflects what has been the fact in my pursuit of a relationship:

"…there must be an angel with a smile on her face when she thought that i should be with you.
but it's time to face the truth, i will never be with you."

the next couple of months will be rough. i guess i have no choice but to ride it out somehow. i know i'll survive it (again), but in the event that i don't, well, that won't be a bad way to go either.

this is one of the very few and rare times that i arrive home from work with no one to greet me as i go through the front door. wherein the sound of high-pitched silence is only broken by the sound of the clock on the wall ticking time away, the fridge turning on and off, and the occasional wind chimes hitting each other as a gentle breeze passes by. and in those very few and rare times i experience this, i feel a sense of peace. no chattering on the background, no sound of the radio nor footsteps walking about, not even the sound of people actually being physically present (wherein even though the place is quiet, knowing that there are other people in the house, it adds a little sound to it).

this is only possible because the rest of the family attended a wedding of a neighbor held somewhere in the batangas/tagaytay area and won't be back until later this evening. yet inasmuch as i adore and love my family that much, it is a welcome relief from time to time to experience silence around the house. heck, i don't even have my winamp on and set the landline phone ringer to off while i'm writing this (at this point in time i don't care who calls). i guess this is how i long for the silence that i need to somehow get away from all the things i do everyday (even if i enjoy what i am doing) and just sit back, put my feet up and, as the depeche mode song goes, "enjoy the silence." where i could just clear my mind of everything and be one with the nothingness silence brings. although i'll be having the tv on before i go to sleep a little bit later on, these few minutes of me not speaking, and only hearing the clacking of the keyboard as i type this along is a warm and fuzzy feeling for me. many people may find silence deafening, though at times i don't blame them, but it is only in silence where we could get in touch with our real selves and for a few precious minutes, calm the soul and the spirit down and give it a rest from all the turmoil, uneasiness, and confusing chaos of everyday life. some people go to the beach, retreat houses or even hideaway resorts just to get the silence they want to experience, but lucky for me, it found it's natural way over here and i'm not about to waste any single second of it.

it'll be a very long time before i experience this again. i guess what i'm trying to impart is to not take silence for granted. given, being home alone is quite boring. but if you know how to adjust yourself and even for just a few minutes, just sit down on the couch or on the bed and stay still, silence can be a very good thing. it might be even a form of yoga or self-reflection for some. you'll never know how refreshed you'll feel when you slowly start to go back to reality and the sounds of real life get back to their normal volumes. so, until then….

ssshhh…..

enjoy the silence

happy new year to everyone. it's been weeks since i last written anything here and i still haven't posted the counterpart of my last entry but between being busy with work and looking back at the sad moments in my life during the past year, i have decided to make this first entry of 2006 as a combination of both–a restrospect of last year and a feeling for a sense of hope for a bright and postive one ahead.

so in closing, all i can say is take each day as it comes and bitch about it later. there are 364 days remaining in the year and that's 364 reasons remaining to live life according to how you want it. be it negative or positive. having ended 2005 bloated, drunk and all over the place during new year's eve, i welcome 2006 with bruise-riddened open arms and a battered-beyond-recognition personal and emotional state of mind asking, "what more do you have for me? c'mon, take your best shot!" it's another year. live life to the fullest and how you want it, no matter what others say. have a blessed and prosperous new year to all.