a day and 30 years ago, i came into this world. being the first of three children, i had a lot going for me. i was to be the patriarch of carrying on the family legacy into the 21st century. yet here i am, 30 years and a day since that fateful monday morning, still with an uncertain future, and with a lovelife that echoes like a graveyard on christmas day. i could just imagine fate laughing his socks off as i stumble through life, like a blindfolded dumbass kid trying to pin the freaking tail on the stupid donkey.

strangely though, i still find this kinda amusing. amusing to the point that those low points i have experienced are the ones cheering me up because those were the times i was real. that i was true to myself. those times that i shed tears for someone, that i sacrificed my whole heart and soul for women who i thought were the one; for continuing to hold on despite the clear sign of rejection flashed at my face like headlights speeding through a stunned deer at a highway on midnight; for turning the other cheek, having a deaf ear and a blind eye to times of being taken advantaged of because of my "understanding" and left for nothing like used oil on a garage. yeah, those were the days. yet i'd rather go back to those times than to celebrate something that is or was made something out of the heck of trying to cheer myself up or covering up what i really feel inside. as i always said to myself and to friends who continue to complain about being hurt or things just don't go their way–it's all about acceptance. that and lowered expectations. that's the way life is, and that's the way life will go. you just have to live with it, breathe with it, roll with it, f**k with it, and die with it because all your whining and complaining ain't gonna change anything. life isn't fair, as they say. but whoever said that it is?

i'm 30. i hate to admit it, but i am. i feel lonely. i feel desparate. i feel used. and yet, with the way things are going, everything's just hunky-dory and going the way they're supposed to be.

i'm getting old…

he was sleeping amidst the winds that were blowing outside on a saturday night. although the storm had passed and is headed out of the country, remnants of it were still upon the surrounding area. it was quite a welcome relief as the change in temparature helped him sleep soundly unlike earlier in the summer where the heat was barely tolerable. it was past 11pm when the phone rang. though he usually answers it upon ringing the second time, the comfort zone that he's in made him hesitant to get up and reach for the handset. a few more rings echoed the room. reluctantly, he arose from his sanctuary of slumber and picked up the phone.

him: hello?
woman: hello, it's me.

it was her, surprisingly giving him a call at that late hour. though he didn't recognize her voice at first, he tried to compose himself as he straightened his posture.

him: hey, what's up?
her: can i ask you for a favor?
him: what is it?
her: but first, do you have work today?
him: yeah, in a couple of hours, 'round 2 A.M. what is it?
her: can you pick me up here near my office? i'm not feeling quite well and i didn't go to work. and since it's my rest day tomorrow, i'll be heading straight home and not to the apartment. can you please pick me up here?

he was quite stunned by this request. though he'd normally say yes like he did back in their days of going out almost everyday, the scenario was quite different. first, she was in a place at least an hour's drive south of where he lives. second, he was not familiar with the area and is poor in directions. combine those two, and the fact that she was asking to be brought home near where he lived, plus with the weather conditions outside, he won't make it in time for work and would be at least an hour late. she kept telling him the reason for not going to work and sounded quite disoriented. he was still half asleep and in surprise when he finally answered her.

him: let me think (then looks at the clock)
her: will you make it in time for your shift?
him: (after a couple of seconds) i don't know, i might not. what's wrong?
her: (sounding helpless) i dunno, i'm feeling sick.
him: i don't think i could make it in time for work. i'm sorry.
her: it's ok. i'm sorry if i woke you.
him: no, it's ok.
her: ok, bye.

the conversation ended abruptly as it began. at best, the entire length of the call was a minute and a half, two at the most. he was concerned with the weather outside, the slippery roads and the distance to be traveled back and forth. that made his reason not to pick her up. he then went back to sleep, savoring the precious minutes until it was time to get back up and go to work.

yet as his day began at the office, he cannot help but think of that conversation. this was the first time he had turned down her request. any of requests. yet the more he thought of it, the more he realized that he made probably one of the biggest mistakes he could ever make. so what if she pulled his chain in the past, made a fool out of him while he slowly fell in love with her? so what if she made out with him in the past while she was still with his boyfriend? so what if she left him out in the cold? those were not enough reasons for him to turn a cold shoulder when she needed someone. he was better than that. he always had a soft spot for her because despite everything she has done to him, the hurt, the shortcomings, the letter he made for her which she threw away and never read, he somehow still loved her. he tried to keep himself occupied while at the office and when he finally reached his car at the end of his shift, he broke down, tears free-falling, feeling stupid, sorry and mad at himself for what he has done. he had let her down, the woman he considered his inspiration, his joy, his past and his future. and as he drove home with ballads as the music on his stereo, tears still falling, he cannot help but wonder if this would be the start of another long drought in communication for the both of them. for once, he let his pride prevail, but in the end, emotions brought out the realization that it was the dumbest and the most stupid thing he's ever done.

epilogue: he tried to get in touch with her through text, even if he promised himself not to do so without her texting first. he asked her how she was, and if she's ok. she replied hours later, saying that she has kidney stones. he then asked her how she got home, but she never replied back…

i never imagined that i'd be seeing movies (new releases at that) for two consecutive weeks, let along three. though i said that i most likely wouldn't be watching poseidon, i ended up asking my sister to watch it with me. i guess i decided to do so just to keep my movie watching streak alive. though i was skeptical about the movie itself, i have to admit, i was quite excited to see it when i caught a glimpse of the trailer a few weeks ago. i only realized that the movie could turn up to be a "poor man's 'titanic'" a few days before actually seeing it. and i was right.

the movie started right where the ship is on open waters, streaming thorugh the atlantic, with new yourk being it's destination. it was new year's eve and the celebrations have begun. the captain was giving his speech about spending the new year's with a new beginning, yada, yada, yada. the only indication that something was wrong was when one of the officers felt uneasy about something. then in a span of a few seconds the rogue wave hit, toppling the ship upside down and causing damage, panic and of course, untimely death of hundreds of people. to make the long story short, a few of the survivors, instead of staying on the "safe" area, opted to go "up" to the engine room and to the surface. basic story of survival, guts and love.

yet the movie failed to deliver it's share of drama and suspense. as mentioned on my previous entry, the movie titanic has done it all, so whatever "exciting" spots the movie has, came as mediocre. yet of course, the movie did have some high points, but overall, it was shadowed by the lack of a solid story, a less than stellar cast, and is in my opinion, a downside to wolfgang petersen, the movie's director. this movie doesn't get my vote, yet just to keep my movie streak alive, what the heck, right?