it's just one of those days when i fall into that self-reflection again.  i guess if i was out, i won't be feeling this way.  the thing is, i didn't have plans to go out with anyone tonight.  so, here i am, stuck at home on a friday night.  i did go out earlier though, to the gym then back home.  i dug up my old poem files and saw this appropriate poem for me to post.  bear with me today, for by tomorrow, this may be all gone and i'm back to my old usual self.

Loneliness

by markie – written at 3:25am, 7/28/1998

Loneliness has become a big part of me
catching me almost everyday
in my waking hours, at work,
during meal times, and even before sleep.

Though I manage through these times
there is an even greater, more saddening feeling
that makes you all the while lonely
yet, utterly frustrating.

It involves a friend or two,
who when you make yourself being there for them
and care the world for them,
turns their back upon having their happiness.

It is when someone whom you care for
trust, be proud of, and speak the world of
but when asked for a bit of warmth through times of loneliness
disappear like dust blown away.

Why is it that when you give your all,
nothing is returned?
Why is it when you care,
you are left empty-handed?

I've seen people gain their happiness
all because of what i did.
Yes I felt happy for them
and let the pain go to me.

Though I don't expect anything in return,
and gratitude would be fine for me,
just by being there when I need them
is a good enough feeling.

But in times of happiness that we live in the moment,
feeling the triumph and exhileration of what we gained.
As we smile and laugh, we easily forget
the person who helped most in getting what you wanted.

Maybe I was born to be this way,
on a one-way help street
being someone special,
and nothing left for me.

And as I wander through these times of lonliness,
I say to myself that "it's okay, i'm used to it,"
for there is no one to be there to console me,
than that person whom others he has helped.

in what seemed to be a normal, routinary day for me yesterday, turned out to be a rather interesting one.  one i could say, can be worth filing in my already overflowing yet vast memory banks.  it all started when, towards the end of my shift, she called me up.  of course i was surprised seeing her name and picture on my phone while ringing.  upon picking up, she asked me where i was.  naturally, i replied that i'm at the office, about to leave after finishing up some end-of-day reports.  she then asked where is my office located.  i asked why, to which she replied that she's dropping by.  even more surprised, i asked why.  she then told me that she's paying the money she borrowed from me two years ago (actually, i already forgot that debt, thinking that it will never be paid back.  and, writing that line made me realize, "gawd, has it been that long?  two freakin' years?").  she added that she just exited the tollgate and is asking me where to go.  i gave her directions and landmarks to follow and told her to ring my phone again when she's in the area.  not making me want her to get confused as she drove through the area, i went downstairs five minutes after ending the call.  i stood near where the shuttle picks up and drops off employees and tried to call her up.  no answer.  i then saw an untinted red toyota revo driving slowly by and her looking about.  i waved and she immediately saw me.  she then parked at the drop-off point and i got in the front passenger seat.  we had a short conversation about some stuff like if we're going to push through with that galera trip together, and about going out again.  she then handed me the money and before taking it, i asked her if she still needs it because, again, i forgot about that debt, and i was thinking that maybe she needed it more than just to pay a two-year debt.  she said that it was ok and i took the money (half-heartingly).  she then said that she needed to go and do some more errands before she goes to work.  i told her that i was going to the gym after work.  we exchanged good-byes and i got off the vehicle.

i went back in, quite surprised and a little bit happy that i have extra money for the weekend.  i finished up my reports, headed out and went to the gym.  surprisingly, there were a lot fewer people than the same day last week.  from my estimate, there were less than 15 people working out that day.  i thought to myself that i could finish my routine sets quicker with less people using the machines.  so there i was, going through my usual stuff, when out of the blue, this guy walks across the gym.  i suppose he was there earlier than i was, since he looked like he was lifting weights for some time now.  now, i'm no fan of local showbusiness, and i rarely get to see celebrities up close and personal, without their celebrity status on.  i continued with my routine, even though–i have to admit–that i was surprised seeing him there.  i guess the gym having fewer people than usual made him decide to drop by for a little workout session.  he has his own trainer, and was back and forth lifting weights and doing vertical push-ups on both sides of the gym.  i finished my routine in about two hours and headed off to the locker room to cool down and shower up.  after around 10 minutes, he comes in, takes off his shirt, looks in the mirror, checking out his own self.  i was quite impressed with his physique.  i guess he's been working out for at least a couple of months now.  he didn't stay long, though.  he changed his shirt, grabbed his bag and went out.  on my part, i went on my way as well, took a shower, changed and headed home.

i have to admit, this guy doesn't have that celebrity aura that makes people not at ease to approach him.  he's all smiles while he was in the gym and is dedicated to what he was doing.  i told my mom about what happened in the gym upon getting home, and she asked me if i asked for his autograph or took his picture with my cam-phone.  of course, i didn't.  again, i'm not all "oh-my-gosh-it's-that-actor" type of person.  yes, it was something to talk about the next day at the office.  but i also realized that this guy is so simple and down-to-earth.  he would give you a smile whenever you pass by and nod him hello.  i could confidently say that this person is a class act.  i guess someone like charlene gonzales is very lucky to have this guy for a husband.

"i have decided to let her go and drop everything," he said as he took a sip of café mocha.  it was a humid afternoon, and all he can think of having was a warm drink.  "what?  so soon?  i thought you're making headway through all of what she throws at 'ya?"  quipped his friend, surprised at his revalation.  weeks earlier he was hearing praises from him, how he marveled at her beauty, yet was intrigued at her personality.  how he would always looked forward to seeing her again, or spending time with her.

"yeah, that seems to be the final verdict," he said with a sigh.  "it's just that, you try–and i mean try–to get inside her head, try to figure out what she's all about, try to think how she thinks.  but there are things that happen that just blow you away in disbelief…"  he trailed that last sentence off, looking at a distance, then bowed his head.  his friend looked at him with concern, tried to say something, but stopped short, believing that this was his time to talk, his time to rant, his time to let his frustrations known.  "i mean… i don't know… how would you react if someone you like, who you're even not courting–that is, if you believe in the fallacy that is courtship–would agree to meet you outside, and while you're waiting, you happen to talk to a friend, and suddenly you see her off at a distance, and as soon as she sees you talking to someone, to that friend, she suddenly turns back, walks off and sends you a message that she doesn't want to be seen with you by any of your friends?  what kind of bullshit is that?!"

"look, bro, maybe she's just cautious, maybe she's not ready to 'take it in' yet," his friend replied, trying to calm him down.  "i mean, women are like that… well, sometimes…"  he continued, realizing that what he said meant nothing to him.  "what?  we're not even a couple yet, and she's all apeshit about not wanting to be seen with me?  look, that actually happened twice on the same day!  i actually had to go around the building to pick her up on the other side so as not to be seen.  but here's the killer part:  when we reached the restaurant and about to go in, she saw one of my colleagues inside and instantly, she warp speeds back out and says that my colleague is inside!  i mean, so what, right?  we're just two people having lunch together!  what the hell is wrong with that?!"  he then leaned back in frustration and shook his head.  "she tells me that she doesn't want talk in the office to start about us going out or having lunches together.  i mean, we barely go out, and yet she gives me this crap?"

his friend, slowly nodding in agreement, then said, "so i guess no more cremé bruleés are coming her way then?"  he looked him right in the eye, let out a small chuckle and said  "yeah, i suppose so…  ironically, what started over that drink, ends on that drink."

coming off a 13-hour shift that included driving from the office and back just to vote, a two-hour rigid workout session, and a five hours of sleep, today has got to be the worst feeling i've had all year short of becoming ill.  i dare not drink coffee for i have proven that it's effects will manifest only when i arrive home, hence affecting my wanting to hit the sack.  i fight off the nagging drowsiness by walking around the floor.  good thing i accomplished most of my deliverables yesterday during the long shift, otherwise i wouldn't be in the right frame of mind trying to do those things.  at least i'm still able to write something that makes sense, so i guess everything isn't all that bad.

now that the election, nay, the campaign period is over, i just hope that things would go back to normal.  normal in the sense that once broken fences are attempted to be mended and burned bridges are rebuilt, all gone awry due to politicking and campaigning.  after all, there's nowhere else to go but forward.  if there's something to be learned from this campaign season–and i'm sure there are lots of it–then by all means, use it to make better the next election which will be in three years time.  as they say, "the next best time to start to change is now."

on second thought, i think i'll have that coffee fill my mug.  😦

just arrived from the polling precinct to cast my vote.  i actually had to request from my boss to go out of the office for two hours then go back to work, to which he graciously granted.  i'm going extended hours today to cover for the closing shift thus the reason why i asked him the time off.  luckily, it took me a total of one hour to go from the office, to my polling precinct which is around 10 kilometers away, cast my vote (spent less than 10 minutes to do so), drop by my house to get my sunglasses which i left prior to going to work earlier, then go back to the office.  that's what 140kph driving on an unusually clear expressway can do.  anyways, i decided to go youth majority on the senatorial lineup, with the exception of those who i mentioned on my previous entry whom i wouldn't vote for.  it's about time for the more youthful leaders step forward and lead.  i just hope this exercise would be a peaceful one.  let's all hope and pray that it does.  and for those who haven't gone out, please do so and exercise your most important civic right.  we owe it to democracy to do so.