you feel very high and positive about something…

you tell select people close to you about what you feel because you can't keep the positive energy to yourself, asking them not to tell other people about it for it may ruin things for you…

because it's something you know for certain would change your life for the better…

but due to information you have gathered, now is not the right time to make it known to everyone…

so you plan for that moment, knowing by that time, it will be well-received…

people you have told support you all the way…

except for one… yourself.

you then start having doubts about the outcome of your plan…

scenarios form in your head both good and bad… yet the bad outnumber the good by leaps and bounds…

so your confidence in the plan starts to chip away… piece by little piece everyday…

yet the positive thinker in you still believes the plan is worth it…

but couldn't give a straight answer when you're asked of it…

so the battle rages on inside you…

ever had that feeling?  sucks, right?

with eyes still closed, he collected his thoughts as he slowly regained consciousness.  he was lying sideways on the bed, facing right, with the covers wrapped around his body.  "was it all a dream?"  he asked himself as he recalled the events of the day and night before.  everything was fast-paced and it all seemed like a blur up to that exact moment.  the laughter, cheers, surprises and the emotion were still echoing in his mind as he moved his head a bit, trying to find out if he still has full control of his body.  he moved his arm towards his chest, where the end of the covers were, placed it outside and felt the soft material that was wrapped around him.  he still refused to open his eyes, trying to enjoy the calm silence that bathed the room as he breathed a waking sigh.  at that moment, he felt something move in front of where he was facing.  he then finally decided to open his eyes to see what was in front of him.

as his eyes got accustomed to the morning light that was shining towards him from a thinly-curtained window, he was faced with the most simple, yet beautiful person he'd ever laid eyes on.  he never imagined her to be this way.  he knew for sure she was way different from when he first met her.  yet here she was, a beauty to behold soundly sleeping just inches from him.  her left shoulder baring her smooth skin was barely peeking through the covers as he continued to observe how peacefully she was resting.  her hair was slightly blocking some parts of her face so he placed his finger on her hairline, and slowly pushed back towards the back of her ear as a smile grew on his face.  he rested his palm near her ear, with his thumb slowly caressing her cheek.  she let out a smile of her own as she was awakened by what he was doing, her eyes still closed and tilting her head slightly to let his hand touch more of her face.

their glances meet at the instant she opened her eyes.  still there was silence, as both of them looked at each other on this beautiful morning.  she held his hand that was on her face but refused to let it part from her cheek.  he couldn't read what was on her mind, but he knew for certain through her smile, right there and then, she was happy.  on her part, she looked intently at his eyes and she knew, deep inside her heart, that he too was happy.  he slowly pulled her clasped hand toward his lips, closed his eyes and planted a sweet, long kiss.  with both faces smiling, they continued staring at each other in silence as their hands were still held together, in perhaps one of the most simple, yet deepest forms of love ever expressed between the two of them.

"hi," came her sleepy-voiced greeting, breaking the silence that has engulfed them in what seemed like an eternity.

"hey," he replied back as he broke his hand free from hers and combed it through her hair.

"been up long?"  she asked, nudging her head closer to him.

"not really," he said.  "just in time to see how you sleep beautifully next to me before you woke up," he continued.

she chuckled at what he said, and slowly breaking away from the little moment that they had, she asked, "what time is it?"

"half past nine," he answered.  "breakfast?"  he then asked.

she paused for a while, biting her lower lip as she gave it some thought.  "yeah, breakfast sounds nice," she then said with another smile.

"alright, breakfast it is," he said.  as they sat up while removing the covers, he suddenly stopped, laid back on the bed again and looked at her one more time.  she noticed this and asked, "what's wrong?  i thought we're gonna get some breakfast?"

"yeah, we are," came his reply, and continued, "i just want to tell you something."

"what is it?" she asked with an inquisitive, surprised smile.

he took a moment to stare at the simplistic beauty that was in front of him, reached out for her hand, smiled at her and said, "that you never looked more beautiful than the way you are right now."

tears slowly welled up in her eyes as she was taken aback by the honesty of what he said.  she moved towards him and gave him a long kiss.  she then finally realized that this was for real.  that this would be the start of the happily ever after she had always wanted and waited for so long, and that he was that person who she will be spending the rest of her life with.

"How do you pick up the threads of an old life?  How do you go on, when in your heart you begin to understand, there is no going back.  There are some things that time cannot mend; some hurts that go too deep, that have taken hold…" — Frodo Baggins, from the movie Lord of the Rings:  Return of the King

it's quite unusual for me to start an entry with a quotation or a line from a movie or some other form of mainstream media, much less the kind that is shown above.  i guess whether we like to admit it or not, we all ask the same question at some point in our lives.  mostly after tough decisions that have been made which directly affected people or persons in a way we didn't want or mean to, or decisions that changed our perception of life itself.  inasmuch as we try to learn from the mistakes we've made in the past, there'll always be new ones, big and small, that will come along the way.  very few have been lucky enough to say that their mistakes were stepping stones to a successful life.

i try to live my life using the no regrets policy.  well, i actually started that when i stepped into college since i consider my elementary and high school years as the forming phase where my own decisions have little to no basis or weight and i heavily relied on my parents regarding stuff that required their approval.  and in almost 15 years since i first stepped onto those hallowed college grounds, walking through them for four years, and finally stepping out of it and into the real world, i have made countless mistakes and a handful of  victories.  mistakes that almost cost my degree, that have broken friendships (where some have healed), that have lost trust (some of which never regained), that changed my beliefs, and some that may have a direct impact on my future in ways i'll never know.  yet even if i try and don't let those affect me (for i always believed that mistakes are a part of life and that crying over spilled milk won't get me anywhere), there are times that i stop and think about them and ask myself the perverbial question, "what if…?"  one such time was these past couple of weeks.  i have been more on the reflective side and strayed away from writing.  yet even though looking back more than just rekindled the pain i have experienced, to be honest, nothing came out of it.  i cannot change what has happened, and whatever i do, i also cannot make things any better.  is it a matter of perception?  maybe… maybe not.  yet they're already there.  it has become part of you, something that you cannot escape from, that you cannot ignore, that you'll carry for the rest of your days.

coming out of that reflective episode, did those mistakes make me a better person?  i couldn't say for sure because i still have lots of years ahead of me (hopefully).  what's for certain is that life, in all it's complexities and mysteries, still goes on.  and even though there are forks in the road, it is the only one-way street we'll all be going through.  it doesn't sound pretty at all, but that's the reality of it.  all we have to do is just to face whatever comes our way head on.  in other words, shoot first, ask questions later.  or something like that…

september is finally here.  three more months and it's christmas.  well, here in our part of the world the season has already started.  one thing i'm not looking forward to though, is getting to use my US visa.  yes, that fateful, dreaded trip to the other side of the world is now in the works.  it'll be made sometime in november–most likely during thanksgiving week–and it'll hit me in two things:  one is that i'll be spending my own money on the airfare and pocket money (which i don't have much of and i may have to resort to getting some kind of loan); and second is it'll take up five of my vacation leaves at the most (i have to stay there at least a week in order for my trip to be, well, worth it being a called trip at all) instead of having using those leave credits sparingly to extend some of the weekends.  my mom is going with me on this trip, only that she may be staying on to perhaps earn a little extra money.  she's excited talking about it, while i just stay quiet and keep my objections to myself.  let me reiterate that it's something i'm NOT looking forward to at all.  if only the need to make a solitary trip to be eligible for the visa to be successfully renewed weren't there, then it wouldn't be much of a fuss now, would it?

meanwhile, in october, i'll be celebrating two years being employed in the company i'm working for.  eight more months after that and i'll be surpassing the longest tenure i have with a single company.  another milestone in the books.  wish i could say the same for my personal life.  speaking of which, nothing still new on the horizon.  that still sucks.

this is my new dream mobile phone.  the nokia e90 communicator. while i'm not a fan of high-end phones–and this phone's relatives, namely the 9500 communicator series–the concept of a do-it-all and all-in-one mobile phone is, i guess bundled up nicely on this device.  detailed specs can be found here.  it's price range is around a whopping 40 grand, which also is one of the reasons it's called a dream phone–literally.  sadly, not even my 13th month pay is enough to cover for it (even if i include my n90 as a trade-in).  oh well, at least here's something new for me to drool about.

he felt the temperature drop as he badged into the work area entrance.  being a weekend, he expected it to be a lot cooler inside since not a lot are scheduled to work during these days.  he calmly continued on, tapping by a colleague on the shoulder as he passed on the way to his workstation.  he got a chair from nearby and pushed it along the way as he noticed his workstation not having one.  he slumped into the chair as he turned on the pc.  it was saturday night, his first day of the work week and he was dog tired.  he woke up at 8am and stayed awake since then.  he even tried to catch a couple more z's after lunch since he had a basketball game later that evening, but he just kept tossing and turning in his bed, wide awake.  his brother also had to use the car that night, so he won't be able to snag a catnap in the parking lot hours before his shift starts, but dear lil' bro was kind enough to drop him off at the sporting venue before heading off to his night out with friends.  at the basketball game, he played nearly 40 minutes as there were only eight of them who showed up, with him being the team's tallest among them.  he only rested for a couple of minutes before the end of the third quarter and went back in at the start of the fourth.  they were beaten by about 50 points as their opponents took advantage of their lack of depth and ran the air out of their lungs.  even though it was the team's last elimination game and they didn't qualify for the semi-finals, he had hoped the team would put up a decent fight.  but all that's behind now as there will be no more basketball on saturdays before work from now on, not at least until next year.

still slumped into the office chair, he felt his body become heavier.  he had spent the last three hours at the company's network gaming station, preferring to let time slip by on a strategy game than a few z's on the sleeping quarters–called quiet rooms–that have the distinction of snores sounding like an orchestra on gala night.  good thing his workstation–and his team's–was situated on the farther area from where majority of the other teams were assigned.  maybe he could steal some precious minutes of shut-eye from time to time without being noticed.  but he thought that it was still to early to do so. he was just starting his shift and, even if some of his colleagues knew what he had gone through earlier, he wouldn't think of snoozing at the start of the work day.  he browsed through some 50 or so emails he had gotten since he took his days off, starting with deleting some of the unimportant ones and saving the more need-to-read ones for later in the day.  five minutes before the top of the hour, and the official start of shift, he checked his team.  one called in sick and there were two others who weren't there yet. it was unusual for his team to have saturday absences, so the realization of having three team members short was quite enough to shake him from his near drowsy state.  "they still have five minutes," he said to himself as he went back to his seat to go about some pre-shift stuff.  as 2AM sounded, he told his team to log in.  he saw one of his team members running towards their area in a frantic pace to avoid being late.  she arrived on her station, huffing and puffing as she logged in, still making it on time.  but still, one is not accounted for.  he doesn't have his mobile phone with him, for those were banned on the operations floor a couple of weeks ago, even for someone with his position.  not wanting to stress himself out more on the first working day of the week, and already tired before it starts, he just thought to himself, "i'll worry about that later," and continued on his work.

"somebody's not looking good today," a familiar voice then echoed.  he acted as if he didn't hear anything until he was asked, "rough day?"

"'rough' is an understatement," he replied.  "this may very well be one of the longest days of the year for me.  see, it's not even five minutes past two in the morning and i feel like an hour has already gone," he continued.

"well, it's not like you haven't gone through that before.  c'mon, all you need is coffee.  grab your mug and i'll go with you to get some in the pantry.  let's go," invited the voice.

as he got his mug from his drawer, he was asked, "how did the game go?"

"nowhere near something interesting you'd want to hear about," he said.  "we were playing catch-up until the catch was nowhere in sight," he continued.

"that bad, huh?"

he didn't answer to drive his point across as they walked towards the pantry.

"didn't you send that email last thursday to everyone before you went home about that game being the last one of the eliminations and how it would help if there was some support from the department, even if it just meant that they would simply watch the game?"  posed the question.

"guess they didn't give a shit," came the curt reply.  "if you could see the two bench areas, theirs was full of boisterous colleagues who would shout, cheer and hiss at every action on the court, while ours was…  well, quiet and solitary as a graveyard to say the least." he added.

"hmmm… how thoughtful of them," the voice then replied.

"it's not like i, or we haven't gone through that before.  we've been playing for an empty crowd since the second game.  but there's nothing i can do about that anymore.  it's over.  we lost.  we didn't make it to the next round.  and i think that even if we did, they would care less," he lamented as he waited for the mug to fill with coffee.

"yeah, maybe you're right.  hey, what's this i heard that you and your colleagues getting an earful last week at a staff meeting and some other weird shit that happened there?  what's up with that?"  the voice asked, changing the subject.

"ah, you heard about that, huh?  well, to put it in what majority perceived it to be, it was a 'wake up call' of some sorts concerning the, well, 'lackluster' way things are being done around here," he explained, trying not to be too serious.

"'wake up call?'  from what i heard, you guys were, like went through a vat of detergent, or something!" came the reply.

"yeah, ready to be rinsed and taken to the presser," he jokingly replied back.  "but seriously," he continued while they were walking back to his workstation, "the thing about that meeting was we–that is, me and my colleagues of the same level–took the brunt of the blame by our direct superiors in front of their direct superior when they themselves have some major shortcomings of their own as well.  our direct superiors were citing this and that, in front of their boss which made us look like we were complete incompetents!  and yet even though we outnumber our direct superiors, we didn't say a thing and took it like professionals, yet they stand there rendering themselves blameless for our 'lackluster' performance.  so naturally, at the en
d of that meeting, our morale was shaken, our egos tarnished, our capabilites questioned.  while they walk out thinking, 'they deserved that.  let's see how they would do things from now on,'  while having so-called halos on the top of their heads.  i mean, how would you feel if you were on our shoes?"

"man, i would've not took that sitting down at that time.  i would've let my feelings known," was the answer.

"yeah, like you would!"  he jokingly teased.  as they reached his workstation, he slumped into the chair again, mug of coffee still in hand.  he tilted his head back, closed his eyes and yawned.  he would take a couple of sips from his mug and return to the tilted, eyes-closed position after each one as he tried to get himself into work mode despite his ever-increasing desire to sleep right there and then.

"don't you have any food with you?"  he asked, trying to continue their conversation.  "nope, don't have any," came the quick reply.

"make yourself useful then and get me some," he shot back, laughing, still with eyes closed and head tilted back.  "make me and i'll pour coffee all over you, you lazy twerp!"  was the reply.

as their joint laughter and banter died down, he was then posed with this question, "who's this girl i also heard that you're liking nowadays?  how's that going?"

he paused for a while, opened his eyes, gazed upward and asked back, "do you really want to know?"

a giddy reply of, "yeah!  anything new regarding your lovelife is anticipated like next week's lottery numbers!"  came out.  "who's the lucky gal?"  was the insistent question.

he sat straight up, unlocked his pc as he started to do some work.  "she's from this department and that's all i'm gonna tell you," he finally said, breaking the thin suspense.

"what?!  tell me more, damn it!"  came the outburst.  "we still have all day to talk about it!"

he then said, "maybe you do, but i don't.  besides, i'm still working on it because it's…" he then paused as he continued on with his work.

"because it's what?!  c'mon, what is it?!"  was the impatient reply.

"it's complicated.  and that's already saying a lot, if you know this department first hand," he replied, stopping a bit at what he's doing.  "now get out of here, i have work to do!"

"fine, fine," was the frustrated reply.  "but please tell me soon, ok?"  came the plea his way as he was busying himself more with work.

"of course i will.  now, go.  go!"  he demanded.  as the area was silent again, he leaned on his chair, took a sip of coffee, tilted his head back, and closed his eyes as he told himself, "four more days to go…"