i still can't believe that i'm hours away from taking that trip.  though i feel slightly sleepy (today was my last day at work), i feel that i might not get any sleep, or little at best.  there are still some things to be done tomorrow morning before i head to the airport.  grocery items that need to be bought since my brother and sister will be the ones left at home for a week before i get back, so we'll stock up before we leave.  i'll be bringing my ipod so i bought a travel outlet charger after work earlier at the glorietta area.  i was also thinking of getting a new battery for my mobile phone, but i just thought that bringing the charger is enough.  i finished up packing my stuff into my check-in luggage and in the midst of finalizing the things i'll be stowing on my handcarry luggage.

am i excited?  to be honest, i don't feel any excitement at all.  i was even lousily picking through what clothes to bring.  my mom told me to bring mostly warm clothing since it's very, very, very cold this time of year over there.  i even managed to watch some local news while packing, so that gives you an idea how concentrated i am in getting my stuff organized.  i even got to play a game on the PS2 after dinner earlier just like i would do on a normal day off.  some of my colleagues are actually wondering why am i not excited about making the trip.  well, to be honest, the cost is the number one thing that bothers me.  i pulled my time deposit savings (had to) and made a couple of loans to finance everything.  so when i get back, not only will i start from scratch in saving up for another time deposit, but also start paying off loans.  some vacation, huh?

oh well, there's nothing i could do to stop it now.  so, next destination, san francisco international airport by way of taipei.  i'm not sure if i have time to access my blog while i'm there, but when i do, i'll try to post some pics.  if not, i'll do it when i get back.  i'm bringing my mobile phone primarily for video shooting purposes.  although i'll also be having it on roaming, i'll appreciate it very much if any of you don't send me any messages while i'm out there.  so, that's it.  "i'll see you when i see you," as an old friend used to tell me.

markie signing off… temporarily.

that song by popular rock group queen couldn't have been more aptly titled.  in fact, i never recall feeling this way for as long as i can remember.  maybe the closest to it was preparing for my thesis defense back in college while i was working a part-time job.  it's days before i leave for my dreaded–yet ironically much needed (not on a visa usage standpoint, but on a personal standpoint)–trip to the other side of the world, and i haven't even moved a finger to fill my luggage or buy some much needed stuff to bring along (supplies mostly).  loans have already been made, time deposits withdrawn, all for the sake of, well, having money for the trip that i never wanted in the first place.  adding to that are deliverables at work that need to be done before i leave, and a very, very  personal thing that i have–no, need–to settle.  i can't talk about that here until it blows over, so please pardon me for the suspense (although some of my readers know about it first-hand).  but, you know me, i'll tell all as soon as it's over and done with so please be a little bit more patient.

earlier before i went to work today, i went to a going-away party of sorts for one of my office batchmates at her place.  i was hesitant at first to attend since i do have work, but she being a good and trusted friend, it was quite hard to say no.  i also treated it as a going-away party for me as well (kinda) since technically i'll be leaving (even if it's just for a week) on friday.  but hours before going to that party, i received one of the sadddest family news i could get this year.  one of my aunts on my father's side died yesterday afternoon.  tita anita was one of those relatives i'll never forget because of her smile.  she was always smiling, thoughtful, and very, very accomodating whenever we go home to our province in batangas.  during christmas family reunions, she would always have gifts for all of her nephews and nieces.  she was rushed to the hospital a couple of days ago due to a heart attack and we were all hoping that she would pull through.  upon hearing the news, i thought of not pushing through with going to the party, but since i gave my word that i'll be there, i did.  i just masked my emotions of loss and drowned it with three bottles of beer and the company of friends.  i didn't talk about it as i didn't want to ruin the lively mood of the party, so basically, i somehow still had fun and besides, it wasn't about me, it was for a colleague.  i left the party at around half past midnight so that i can still get an hour and a half's worth of sleep before starting my shift.  my mom, brother and sister will be coming over to the office during my lunch hour to get the car from me because they'll be going to batangas and pay their last respects to my aunt.  today is the only time available to go since both siblings have work tomorrow and my mom is still deep in preparations for our trip, and for me, well, i can't leave work behind even if i wanted to.

this past week has been gloomy, to say the least.  aside from my aunt's passing, another colleague's father was rushed to the hospital just last week due to an aneurysm and doctors gave him around 72 hours left to live, though i don't have any idea as of now regarding his condition, but we're all hoping and praying that he'll be okay.  i guess it's a reminder of how fragile life is.  that's why i'm trying to live life as if it's the last day i have left.  it's no secret that i'm ready to go anytime and that i try to make an impact as much as i can to my friends but what's more saddening is people who we think highly of are the ones who get taken first.

i guess it's time for me to stop writing because i'm already rambling.  a roller-coaster of emotions is what i'm currently on and it's not easy keeping a straight face.  between feelings of loss and love, happiness and sadness, i can't say how i am exactly right now.  but with days to go and with mounting things needed to be done both on a personal and professional level, being under pressure is an understatement.

to my tita anita, you will be badly missed.  may your soul rest in peace.

i was setting the alarm on my mobile phone and about to call it a day when i saw on my calendar that today is the anniversary when i started blogging.  now i can't just let the day pass by without having an anniversary entry, so i got up, turned on the PC, went online, and voila…  god, it's been three years since i virtually made my life available to everyone to see online!  i can't believe that it has been three long years… oh well, as they say, time files when you least expect it… err, or something to that effect…  but anyways, looking back at all those years and months of blogging, it's one of those things that i could very well say that i am so proud of.  i have made friends, enemies, and friends who became enemies who became friends again with my entries.  all i can say is that i'm just me being me.  i may have hurt people with my opinions, but i believe–and still believe to this day–that blogging is one of the avenues of the right to free speech.  we're all entitled–and have the god-given right–to say what we want to say however we say it.  i'm no pastor or preacher, so i'm not forcing anyone to believe what i say on my entries.  if you believe everything you read here, then i thank you.  if you don't, i'm not gonna move heaven, the earth, the sun, moon and the stars to make you do so.  looking back at some of the controversial entries i've posted, i'm saddened to see that other people who have commented either by direct posting, email, or even text (yes, i receive comments on my entries via sms) took those entries very personally and condemned me to the deepest parts of hell.  again, i'm no influential person so what i say here is my own personal opinion.  you say things that go against my opinions and beliefs on your blog and i won't even lift a finger to counter your statements or even stop becoming a fan of your blog.  why?  because that's YOUR opinion.  imagine our world where we all agree on whatever issue there is.  kinda boring, isn't it?

it's also sad to hear that in other asian countries, blogging is censored by the government and is even punishable by imprisonment.  now that, i really don't get.  if there's truth to what is being "blogged," then in no way it should be censored.  anti-government, anti-religion, anti-labor, anti-whatever.  ordinary people have the right to be heard and express whatever they want.  wait, i'm going political here, and i don't like it when i do so, so i'm just going to stop here.  anyways, for those of you who continue to read and support my blog, i could never thank you enough.  please do keep those comments coming.  i'd rather receive your comments directly here, so please do share your thoughts with everyone else as well.  and for those who…  to put it in simple terms, dislike my blog and all i have written down and will write down (but still continue to visit and read–c'mon, admit it, some of you do!), i still thank you for the world won't be complete without naysayers such as you.  both sides have played a tremendous role in my blogging life.  and of course, there are my real friends who continue to stand by me through thick and thin in whatever i say here on my blog (you're too many to mention, but i know who all of you are), may you continue to be blessed and rewarded by good karma.  having you as friends is more than enough good fortune for me (wish i could say the same for my lovelife… hahahaha!!!)  "you're all aces in my book," a line from a movie or television series would go.

three years… damn… oh well, happy blogging!!  😀

PS:  lisa, if you happen to be reading this, i'm sorry i wasn't able to reply to your sms message last night.  i was fast asleep when your message came in.  i only wish you could elaborate more on what you said.  anyways, hope we could talk soon.  🙂

ending the week–and the month at that–at the way things happened last week was definitely not what i had in mind.  instead of properly savoring the two-day weekend by not thinking about work related stuff, what occupied half of my mind was how i was a victim of a double-cross of some sort.  i was about to write what went down upon arriving home last thursday, but a combination of being at a loss for words, sheer frustration, and a scheduled dinner with a friend that night forced me to save my rantings for another day.

at the start of the year, i always thought that what happened to me the previous year won't happen again, and i tried to make sure of it.  specifically, what i'm referring to was the brouhaha over my holiday vacation leaves.  yet, it seems that lightning does strike twice on the same place.  here's how it all went down:

back as far as early september, i had already calculated my remaining leave credits for the year and submitted/plotted all of them to my superior for approval, including my trip to the US and the week of december 25th to the 31st.  with the sudden announcement of my US trip, i was still reeling from the fact that i won't be able to have a three-day weekend for at least a month and a half.  my superior approved all of them except the christmas week, saying that it's still up in the air, whatever that means.  i didn't worry about it, since i was confident enough that collectively, my superiors would be coming up with something to address the holiday vacation leaves.  so, work went on.

early october, during a team meeting with my teammates, our superior suggested for us to come up with a proposal for the holiday vacation leaves.  initially, i thought that our superiors were asking for more participation from us regarding planning of this sort.  coincidentally, i already had a working plan in mind which combines personal attendance of each of us and tenure/length of service to determine who can plot for the holidays, but i didn't put it on paper yet.

two weeks ago, before my scheduled one-on-one with my superior, i emailed my proposal to all of my superiors for them to talk and discuss about it.  and during my previous one-on-one session, i followed it up and got an answer saying that they haven't discussed it yet.  and during that particular session, we went over the dates i'm requesting.  so i showed the calendar of when i'm requesting to go on holiday break.  my superior plotted them on the tracker and added the comment, "pending" to clarify to the others who will be viewing the file that it was not yet approved outright and is still subject for discussion.  i was fine with it, until last thursday.

after taking my lunch break, my superior called me into his workstation to discuss about my plotted leaves.  i thought that there was some sort of clarification with what i had plotted, or it was about my proposal.  to my surprise, they (my superiors) have reached a decision for all of us to not be allowed to plot our VLs from december 20 to 31, with the reason explained to me that some of my colleagues who have viewed the file "complained" that i have already the dates i wanted reserved and others want in too.  so now, my superior wants me to cancel the dates that i have plotted for and for me to review the email about to be sent to everyone so as not to elicit some negative reactions.  i asked about the propsal i sent and i was told that it was good for implementation next year, and i was asked to come up with another one.

the minutes following that revalation was nothing but silence from me.  silence at the sheer frustration that some of my colleagues would be responsible for causing the decision that was made, and at the disappointment at my superior for utterly disregarding–for weeks now–the proposal i had sent which will benefit everyone at our level.  yet i remained as professional as possible in front of my superior, not questioning my unknown colleagues and why was my proposal pushed to next year.  yet if i could only see myself at that time, my face says it all.  and there was one bitter truth:  i had to take one for the team…. again.  i left my superior's workstation like the most unappreciated person in the world.  work-wise, i have never complained or sought attention but this is plain ridiculous.  i mean, after working hard for a second straight perfect attendance for the entire year, this is the recognition and respect that i get?!  after conserving my vacation leaves instead of uselessly plotting them, this is what i get?!  was it my fault that my colleagues don't have any vacation leaves left?!  i have held up my end of the workload and covered for teams whose leaders were out.  all i can say is that this is pure and sheer crab mentality.  yet it's nice to know that a few others were supportive of what i felt.  they even said that they can cover for my team during the days that i'll be out, but i just told them that if they really are sincere, then they should tell that to their superiors themselves, otherwise, if it came from me, it'll look like that i forced them to.  one colleague even posted the question, "why are our associates being encouraged to consume their vacation leaves regardless of when, but when it comes to us leaders, we can't?  how are we being treated?"

i haven't said much to my superior during that meeting.  but now that i have thought about it more thoroughly, a conversation will be forthcoming.  to my colleagues who complained or whined about my plotting of vacation leaves, all i can say is, just stop the jealousy.  and can't you read?  it said "pending" on it.  now i don't know if you understand plain english, but that in no way means "approved."  i'm sorry about your loss, but just work hard and conserve your leave credits for next year, ok?

this changes nothing.  i'll continue to go to work, be professional, wear a mask of a smiling face at the office, be a team player, deliver performance and all that stuff.  but until what happened last year threatens to resurface, then consider me a pissed and demotivated red car.

it all started with a text message i received as i was on my way home this past thursday afternoon. i was looking forward to an unexpected three-day weekend due to one of our systems being shut down for maintenance and we were forced to take saturday night off. the message came from a person i didn't know, but apparently knows me and what i've been through with someone. i wasn't able to save the messages that were sent to me (i don't usually do that if it's from someone i don't know) because initially, i thought that it was a prank being played to me by someone i know. to the best of my recollection, the exchange of messages went this way (some parts were in filipino, so i translated it here, of course):

texter:  hi, is this mark?

me (surprised at the message):  yup, who is this please?

texter (took a good five or so minutes to reply back):  it's not important who i am. what is, is that you need to know about what happened to someone you deeply care about.

me (even more surprised, but still doubtful):  who are you talking about? who is this?

texter:  you know who she is. i'm sorry if i had to be the bearer of bad news, but it seems that you didn't know what happened to her a couple of weeks ago.

me (was getting quite impatient at the "charades"):  look, i don't have time for this. it'll save us both a lot of time if you could just tell me who it is and what happened.

texter:  it would be best to find out on your own. check her friendster profile and you will see what i'm talking about. i know how you feel about her and i believe that it was a shame on what she did to you the last time. i was hoping that she would come to her senses and decide to be with you, but for some reason i can't figure out, she didn't. it's just sad that something special between two people failed to even start. this would be the last message i'll send. i'm not her masquerading as someone else, if that's what you're thinking. we already met when she introduced you to me. i thought she would at least tell you out of respect and your history together, but i'm not sure what's on her mind during those last couple of weeks. anyway, it's good to have met you. you're one of the rare good persons i know and i hope all goes well for you.

me (dumbfounded):  can you at least tell me who you are?

the person didn't reply anymore. though i was somewhat intrigued by the messages, i still did not take it seriously until the next day, friday. i was checking my yahoo email when i remembered the exchange of messages. i logged on to friendster and looked for her profile. what i saw gave me one of the most surprising moments i could recall. she got married sometime in september. messages of well-wishes and congratulations from friends filled her testimonials section and pictures of her and her husband together with captions were on her gallery, although from what i remember, there were no wedding pictures of them posted. it took a while for the feeling to sink in and to realize that everything between us is over–most likely including the friendship we have…  or had.  i was already logged out of friendster when i decided to log back in and send her a message.  it read:

guess what i heard is true.  congratulations and i hope you have found the happiness you're looking for and deserve.  take care always.

so there goes another chapter in the encounters i have had in my life.  one that has no real closure because we haven't had the talk, and it ended with questions rather than answers.  yet somehow it did not feel as bad as i thought it would be.  probably because i have gone through the same thing before.  though not exactly, but the scenario is almost identical.  so much for lightning not striking twice on the same location.

so here's my own… let's say, version of farewell to donna, who at one time, meant everything to me.  whether you may read this or not, it doesn't matter.  despite the empty promises you made, misunderstandings and arguments, i would rather remember and think of you as the person i spent almost half a day with during that easter sunday back in 2005.  though there may be things i want to know and questions i'm seeking answers to, it's not up to me anymore.  maybe we'll cross paths again, maybe not.  but i really and honestly hope and wish you all the happiness that you seek and long for.  and i thank you for the things both big and small that you did for me.  do take care always.

  – me and donna during "happier" times