Author Archives: markie09

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About markie09

a music lover at heart, hopeless romantic, sports fan, frustrated DJ and photographer, workaholic-slash-homebody who spends most of his time pondering on when his time on the relationship ride will come; a quiet, yet equally loquacious individual who would rather be at the sidelines than hog the limelight, yet at times longs for his 15 minutes of fame; an imaginative and observant movie buff who most of the time watches movies or binge-watch TV series alone and considers professional wrestling as a real sport; a detail-oriented drummer wannabe who at times would change his mind at the last minute, yet determined and focused once his mind and heart is set on a goal; a taken-for-granted, dignity-trampled-on, emotionally-ignored individual who is easy to fall in love with, yet always being played a second fiddle by women whom he falls for; a Gemini in the true sense of the word who would think of the most obnoxious and dreadfully naughty things at one time, and preach of morality, righteousness and the good of mankind in another; a self-professed loner who takes on the world and the cruelties that go along with it, on the verge of giving up but for some unknown reason continues to press on and make people around him think better of who and what they think they are simply because he just damn cares.

Blindsided

I was supposed to continue with the story I had going on my last post, but despite having the plot flow going through my head over the last few weeks, I couldn’t seem to structure it to a solid entry. Why? Because things happened this past week that threw me off. Way, way off that I spent the weekend downing an entire bottle of Jack Daniels… by myself.

In any case, I’ll still have that story plot pinned down and will pen it hopefully by next weekend.

But let me just say this: my life experiences made me develop trust issues. And just when I thought being myself and being able to treat others how I want to be treated will make things better, it ultimately let my guard down somehow; and as always, people take advantage. Sometimes, people who I thought would never do.

I’ve never felt so disappointed, betrayed, and frustrated in years. Not to mention being the most alone since the closest people I would’ve run to are either caught up in this, or are too proud to keep in touch after they themselves have somehow did me wrong that they felt that they don’t need to reach out; or worse, they think that I need to reach out to them.

I don’t know what this week will bring, or how the succeeding weeks or months will fare. But let me make one thing clear: I’ve been alive and have endured enough to know what needs to be done. I’ve made a lot of sacrifices against my own personal happiness, and wouldn’t hesitate to do so again for someone I care deeply about; and if that person is threatened, hurt, or maligned in any way, I would jump in in a heartbeat to defend their dignity at my own expense. And believe me when I say: you do not want to make me angry, much less back me into a corner and force my hand to do something you will definitely regret.

Death doesn’t scare or faze me one bit, so there’s nothing one can do to me anything less that would make me cower in fear or give in to pressure. You want to get rid of the best of me? Then you would have to kill me. Literally.

Try me. Test me. Provoke me. I dare you. I fucking double dare you. You’ll either wish you didn’t, or felt so fucking sorry that you made a Karen or Maritess out of yourself for such a petty thing.

Let the week begin.

Reacquaintance

The place was filled with people as he went in. Not his usual scene, but this was his regular spot to go to, especially on nights when he needed to. It took some time for him to squeeze past the crowd which was packing the entrance hallway, ignoring all of the flirty or whimsical looks that came his way. He managed to make his way to the bar area, where he’d already given up hope beforehand of finding a seat where he could just mind his own business.

Amidst the noise and the music, he heard an all too familiar voice on top of it: “I HAVEN’T SEEN THOSE PRETTY EYES IN A WHILE!” He looked at the bar and he saw the bartender looking back at him with a smile. All he can manage back was a smirk; and looked around him, seemingly describing the unusual packed crowd and how surprising the situation is. She motioned him to head to the other end of the bar in the middle of serving drinks to customers. He eventually got there, where surprisingly, one barstool was empty. He finally sat down, much to his relief.

“Hey, Corrine,” was all he can say as the bartender arrived. “Hey there, yourself. Long time,” she replied.

“Yeah, it’s been a while. Though the last time I was here, you weren’t,” he said. “Your father was manning the tap,” he added.

“He’s on vacation, probably somewhere south,” she said. “Been running the place for about a week now. But it’s good to see you here.”

“You’re not looking bad yourself,” he replied back. “How long has it been, three, four years?,” he asked.

“More like five, I guess,” she answered. “I think It was just after that…,” then she suddenly stops, realizing she shouldn’t continue.

“Hey, no, that’s fine. It’s okay,” he said, breaking the awkwardness between them. “Don’t worry about it. It has nothing to do with you. If anything, you were one of the first ones to come see me with your Dad, remember? So it’s good,” he reassured her.

“But still, that’s something I think I’ll never forget,” she says back.

“Yeah, well, things have been a bit better since then. Your Dad helped get me through the months after that. Me coming here regularly was sort of like, therapy.”

There was a moment of pause where all both of them can hear are just the music and the crowd partying it up. She snapped out of her momentary awkwardness and asked, “like I said, it’s good seeing you here. Now what can I get you?”

He looked at her with a sheepish grin, unsure of whether he wanted to tell her. “Look, I thought your father’s here. I’m not quite in a good place right now and I was hoping he’d be back there,” he finally said.

Corrine leaned back, her mouth was slightly opened with shock, and said, “wait, you’re not here for a session, aren’t you? Please tell me that you’re not here for that.”

“Wait, how’d you know about that?!,” he surprisingly asked.

“My Dad told me everything about three years ago,” she answered. “How you’d come here and ‘do your business’ with those ‘sessions’ just to keep you grounded. He even taught me how to make it up,” she added.

“What? No, no, no… why? Why would he do that?” he muttered to himself as he pounded his fist at the bar.

“Because he had to,” came the swift response from Corrine. “He knew he wasn’t going to be around forever, and he doesn’t trust anyone, so he decided to teach me how to do it. Believe me, it was something I didn’t want to learn, but knowing it’s for you, and how you meant, and still mean to our family after all you’ve done for us, I had to. I just had to.”

“Oh, man…,” was all he could say. The past few weeks were a hard struggle for him. He tried to do the best he can and put on a brave or happy face, but it was already taking a toll on him. Going to that place for a session was a hard enough decision to make; but he knew he had no other option.

“Look, just tell me what you need and I’ll make it happen. And I swear you won’t be bothered,” she tells him.

“Look around you,” he replied. “It’s a packed house. How is that even possible?”

“You think my Dad didn’t go through all the possible scenarios with me?”

“Did he?”

“That and more,” she said confidently.

Resigned to his fate, he heaved out a sigh. “Alright then,” he started. “I’ll have a double.”

“Oh wow, a double. Really?,” she asked, surprised at the request.

“Didn’t I tell you I wasn’t in a good place, so yes, a double,” he firmly replied.

“Alright, pretty eyes. Be right back with your double,” she said as she walked away with a wink to him.

If anything, the crowd and music seemed to get louder while he waited for her to come back. He doesn’t know how everything will go down in this kind of environment; it’s as if it was a sign for him to turn back. But mentally looking back at the last few weeks, he hasn’t felt that way in a long time. He needed this.

Another few minutes passes by, and then she comes back, clutching a tray with both hands. On the tray sits four medium-sized shot glasses, all filled to the brim with a different-colored drink. She sets the tray down carefully and places the drinks in front of him one by one.

“Here’s your double,” she says, somehow admiring the arrangement she made.

“What’s this for?,” he asked, pointing at the shot glass containing a grayish liquid.

“Oh, that one’s for me, in case I need to get you out,” she replied.

He looked at her with a smile. “Your Dad really taught you everything, huh?”

She smirked back and said, “go do what you have to do. Like I said, no one will bother you.”

“Thank you,” was all he could say as she turned around to serve another round of customers at the bar. He looked at the drinks in front of him, held the light-reddish one, breathed a deep sigh and said, “here we go” as he downed it.

At first, nothing happens. The crowd and the music just kept on going. His head was down, eyes are closed. Then, he felt a slow build of euphoria as the beat of the music was seemingly becoming more intense and felt good to his ears. It’s as if the volume was being turned up gradually, but he just kept on lightly bobbing to it.

Then suddenly, silence. Deafening silence.

He stopped tapping his fingers to the now vanished music. He opened his eyes slowly, and gradually raised his head. All he saw was an empty bar, an empty establishment. It was somehow bright, but there seemed to be no light source. He looked around. He’s still at the bar, alright. But it was devoid of any living soul except his.

As he took a deep breath, a dark, low-pitched, devilish slow chuckle interrupted the piercing silence.

“I’ve been expecting you,” came a ghastly voice afterwards.

(to be continued)

Reflections while counting down

“I’m grateful that we tried.” – Kate Dibiasky, “Don’t Look Up” (Netflix)

As the final hours of 2021 wind down, the line above has been in my mind the whole day and almost this entire final week. I’ve always said that the holidays are my personal thanksgiving and I usually take time to pause and reflect how I made it to the very last day of the year, and about to start a new one.

That line speaks volumes as the whole world tried to get back on its feet after the debacle that was 2020. Though we’re not out of the woods yet, making it this far was better than most of us had hoped. And that in itself is worth saying that line. And in just hours, we have a blank slate to work with anew.

For me personally, it has been a “balanced” year. Even though my last entry somehow said otherwise, this last few weeks of reflection probably made me realize that with some events, maybe things evened things out. I was able to finally put closure on a very personal “baggage” that I’ve been carrying, and I was also able to reconnect with those who I considered friends, and also made new connections.

But probably what I noticed that every year, there has always been an instance or two when someone just either vanished, disappeared on–or using the more modern term, “ghosted”–me. They probably have their reasons, but that is not enough an excuse for you to suddenly bail out on someone; especially if you consider that person to be a friend or someone you care about.

What I can tell you who’s reading this right now, is that in order for you to earn saying that opening line above, is to make an effort. Yoda’s “do or do not, there is no try” line is not applicable in today’s setting. You make an effort worthy of your parent’s, teacher’s, boss’s, teammate’s, colleague’s, friend’s, or loved one’s respect. Results won’t always be positive or the way it’s supposed to be or how you intended them to be, but to exert that undertaking with maximum effort (as Ryan Reynolds would say), will be enough.

And that is my continuing takeaway as 2022 arrives. Do what has to be done or die trying. Same goes with my relationships with people. Though I’m also thinking of letting go of some who, to put it bluntly, don’t really give a damn. I mean, I continue to treat them how I want to be treated, but all I get is silence. Again, I understand that there probably are reasons, but I can only speculate. The rest is up to them.

Thank you to everyone who was part of my 2021. I’ll thank each of you individually later tonight which means you have made a good impact on me this year. Here’s to efforts fulfilled and wasted, but made nonetheless. And here’s to resetting and starting over again… all at the stroke of midnight.

Happy and safe New Year, everyone.

Glancing back and looking forward

Disclaimer: I’m writing this having consumed five cans of a beverage with 9% alcohol in it, so things may be… incoherent. Please bear with me. Thank you.

It’s been a while. We’re almost half a month away until 2021 ends; and we’re both thinking about the same two things: first, did we actually make it this far? And second, was this year actually better or worse than 2020?

Most people would answer the second question with a resounding “yes.” I mean, with the vaccine(s) for Covid being rolled out worldwide resulting to lockdowns being eased, everyday life slowly started to return almost to the way it was pre-pandemic–with some adjustments, of course–we’re finally seeing light at the end of the tunnel. Yet some will say that with the Delta variant that wrecked havoc, and now with the Omicron variant threatening eased restrictions, we’re still not out of the woods.

I guess the real answer to that question is how we’ve dealt with own lives over the past 12 months. And for me honestly, It has been both better and worse at the same time.

Personally, things have been quite good for me this year. I’ve had part of my home renovated, I was able to go out more compared to last year, had my two vaccine doses, and am still Covid-free; so one may say it was better than what was experienced last year. But I guess when it comes to mental health, it furiously evens things up. Big time.

I’m quite not comfortable with giving out details (yet), but mentally–as well as emotionally–things have been hard for me this year. Maybe it’s the continued work from home atmosphere where I don’t get to personally interact with my team; or maybe it’s the mere fact that the office and home atmospheres are one and the same… for nearly two years.

And yet, I still made it to today. That in itself, is something to be thankful for. And being able to start another year is a blessing in itself. Yet I learned something else… well, I suppose reinforce is the right term for it. And it goes:

“I am looking out for myself because I know that there is no one else who ever will.”

Being a Gemini, there’s no one who would help me get through the worst of shitty days than myself… or at least my inner twin. I would sometimes go into seclusion or be quiet around friends and/or colleagues, or have sleepless days (since I work nights) trying to think how am I gonna get through another day. I would sometimes ask someone or some people out just to be with them, but either they’re too busy or I don’t get any response, so I usually end up back to square one. If there’s one thing I honed or mastered this year, it’s resiliency. As if I’m not resilient enough, especially after the personal traumas I’ve been through.

Yet I still don’t find fault in other people for not wanting to spend some time with me. It’s in my nature, I guess. I still treat them the same, and I care for them in the same way I do. It has made me more emotionally blocked off, yet there are some who continue to be my weakness. I show them what I’m capable of, and yet they take advantage then slam that fucking door on my face. Yet I still continue to be a man for others. Weird, isn’t it? Aside from select individuals, there’s no group of people who I currently hold in high regard more than my current team members at work. They’re not perfect, but there’s no group of people who I prefer to be associated or working with–and be friends with some–other than them.

It’s a longshot of longshots, but I wish that the coming year would be more kind to me in terms of, “being happy on my own terms.” Because I’ve been thinking that happiness always, always comes with a trade off. But I’ve always been willing to make a trade; it’s just that… no one really wants to take a chance on me. So, go figure.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m extremely thankful for everything that’s happened to me this year. I’m alive, healthy, and still able to be a sounding board, a go-to guy, a shoulder to cry on, and a last resort to people, especially those I care deeply about. I may be ranting right now, but I will still be all of the above whenever you need me. And I get it, it’s not and it won’t be–maybe ever–reciprocated to me, but hey, such is life.

Here’s sincerely wishing you and your loved ones a very Merry Christmas in advance, and a good and prosperous new year ahead. Again, it may not be a lot, but there’s always something to be thankful for. Believe me, reflecting on that will make you smile. Guaranteed.

Have a good week ahead, everyone. 🙂

Short and quick

There are times when you just can’t seem to understand certain things… no matter how hard you try.

You do what you can, knowing what’s good and what’s not.

You mind and go about your own business, and not mind others’ too much.

You do right by people, care deeply for those dear to you and do what you can to make them feel better or be happy.

You appreciate the little things and value what you’re fortunate enough to have.

You’re generous with your time, and spare whatever resources you have to lend a hand without having a second thought.

And yet… things still happen. Or don’t, depending on your perspective.

You try to smile in the midst of all that, and the cycle repeats itself.

Some get lucky and things change for the better. Most others, not so much.

Until such time that you come to terms with what is and what will be.

I have lost count of how many times I asked myself this question during the course of my life:

“will I ever be enough?”

I have yet to hear an answer of more than two letters.

Whether I hear or find it in this lifetime, or someone can truly answer otherwise for me, only time will tell.

Until then, I do what I can.

Have a good week ahead, everyone.