The last time I wrote about you, I was coming from a place of hurt and anguish. I needed to get that out, believing it was the right thing to do. And in some aspects, it was. I never really expressed that kind of anger before; or maybe I wasn’t really good at it. But yes, writing that piece somehow gave me that sense of closure I longed for. Something that I thought can be obtained by a decent conversation between us. But for some reason, you never wanted any part of it believing it was a non-issue. So I wrote what I wrote despite significant time having passed of us not communicating. A small part of me still thinks it wasn’t necessary, but that doesn’t mean I have regrets. And I honestly thought that would be the very last one… until today.

Early this morning, I unexpectedly found out something about you. I was shocked, to tell you the truth. And during the first minute upon seeing that, it felt heavy and numb inside at the same time. I guess it was just a matter of time, but I never imagined it to happen so soon; especially after the last time we saw each other four months ago where I thought there was a chance for us. But who am I kidding, right? You never changed. You treated me the same all those years ago, and despite the distance I tried hard to keep from you for close to three years, somehow, you managed to find your way and tug at my strings again at the beginning of this year. I was foolish to think that somehow you’ve changed and probably realized what you were missing out. And just after about a month, it was like 2013 to 2016 all over again.

Yet somehow, despite the numbness and shock I first felt when I saw what I saw, I tried to remember how I felt when I saw the same thing happen to you twice before. And I realized that this one didn’t hurt as much back then. Maybe because I had probably finally given up on the thought of us after what happened early this year. That despite in some small way and me hoping against the tiniest hope that you’d come around and see how great we can be together, nothing will ever come out of it.

In exasperation, I surprisingly turned to the man upstairs. I know I haven’t had a good relationship with him over the last couple of years, yet I found myself uttering these words: “it’s all up to you. Please take good care of her. You know how she’s the love of my life and how I felt–how I still feel–about her. I only wish and hope that she gets the happiness that I know I could have given her, if not more. Please, just let her be finally happy… even at my own expense.” With how he probably hates my guts right now, I’m pretty sure that my words were clearly heard and will be acted upon. Instantly.

In what was probably an added insult to injury (or probably a bad joke of fate), this morning’s road trip took me to somewhere the two of us frequented before, upon the unwitting suggestion of a friend. Most of the drive was all too familiar, and had me reminiscing those precious and unforgettable times we took those trips there. Probably it’s fate’s way of performing another closure for me. And I really hope that this time, there’d be no more cracks because I’m just too fucking tired of playing that game. Yes, that same game even though I’m having an eye for someone right now. It just won’t happen because that person will never take a chance on me in spite of, well, everything I’ve done.

So on my sixth shot of whisky (or probably seventh? I lost count while conjuring up the will to write this–good thing I don’t have work tomorrow) and third bottle of beer, I raise a toast to her (and I sincerely mean this, by the way): it doesn’t matter what you did to me, or didn’t because nothing could now change those anyway. To your happiness. May it be the one that warms your heart and soul everyday; may it make you constantly beam that smile and melt him the way it has always melted me whenever I see it; may it make you feel secure and not having an ounce of doubt; and may it radiate upon you always so that you’ll never shed a single tear of sadness. This is the happiness I want for you. May it last.

Have a good week ahead, everyone.