Things have been happening so much and so fast since the start of the year that I wasn’t able to find the time to just sit in front of my laptop and write whatever thoughts come to mind (or that came…  and went).  Don’t get me wrong, I’m quite happy with the way things are going for me right now (for the most part); yet there were multiple occasions that I had the urge to write.  I just didn’t know where and how to start; even after experiencing that feeling of something that is blog-worthy.  I was told that once you write down that first sentence or thought, everything else will follow like clockwork.  Yet even now, I’m still having challenges putting together my myriad of thoughts.  Have I lost my will to write?  Or the skill, for that matter?  I really hope not.  Nonetheless, whatever I will write after this opening statement will be totally unrelated to everything I just mentioned.  With that being said…

Whether seriously or just for the sake of conversation, I suppose we were all asked that question that goes, “if you can ask for one thing that can and will be given to you outright, what would that be?”  Of course, the premise here is that you can ask for anything you can dream of; the only catch is, you can only ask for only one.  Broken record answers include:  money, health, success, love, happiness, immortality, and my favorite of all time:  world peace.  As for myself, I have given probably two or three from the list when I was asked that question on multiple occasions (with world peace not being one of them.  Seriously).

Probably the reason why I decided to write about that is…  well, maybe I’m used to the fact that things don’t go my way when the premise of “asking” is in play.  But make no mistake about it, I’m thankful for all the material things I have and everything I have that I worked hard for.  It’s just that when friends talk to me about the things they go through, and I reassure them that whatever they’re asking for will eventually be given to them (and I join them in hoping and asking for it), it happens.  But when I do the same for myself, the silence is utterly deafening.

Believe me, I couldn’t be any more happier for friends and family when the things they have been personally wanting, wishing, hoping, or needing finally come true.  But when it’s my turn to fervently and willfully experience that kind of personal happiness they have, I almost always get the opposite.  You’re probably saying, “what a load of crap!  Your own happiness depends on you and you alone!”  To an extent, yes.  I wouldn’t argue with that.  However, it’s very easy to look out for yourself.  You can either satisfy your food cravings, regularly do a hobby, go on an alcohol binge, get laid, engage in a movie marathon, or even travel the world.  No doubt, most of them–if not all–can indeed make you happy.  But for me, personal happiness–the one serious answer I gave when I got asked what I really wanted–stems from really loving someone…  and have them love you back.

Personally, there’s no greater feeling in the world than seeing that someone you truly care for be or feel real happy because of what you did, whether it’s big or small.  The way their face lights up is like a bevy of fireworks going off in the night sky on new year’s eve; hearing the joy in their voice is like having your favorite song randomly coming on the radio when you least expect it; and their warm embrace feels like the first rays of the morning sun touching your skin as you wake up.  I guess I would have to just settle for that as permanence of said feelings can’t seem to find where I live.

Making someone else happy is most likely the role I have in this life.  As they say, we all have a part to play, and I was given this one.  I guess if I were to be asked that question again as to what I really want in life, my last and only response would be this:  “happiness that is meant for the person I truly, madly, and wholeheartedly care about; whatever and however that means.  If it requires me to provide that with everything I have even if I don’t get the same happiness for my own in return, then so be it.  Seeing that happiness manifest in that particular person is enough for me to say that I have lived a full life, and played my part the most I can in that person’s life.”

I’m starting to feel that the effects of the two cups of large coffee I had for breakfast at McDonald’s (I had only two hours of sleep last night due to being worried shitless; but that’s another story), and the giant iced tea I had while watching The Lego Movie are starting to wear off.  So in closing, a good friend of mine sent this to me a couple of days ago:

“There are moments in life when we just don’t know where we’re at regardless of knowing what and who we really want in our lives.  Circumstances will not always be in our favor simply because what we always need and want, we cannot always get.  It’s a fact of life and all we need to do is to accept it.  Maybe it’s part of a grand plan for us.  Or maybe something better is in store for us in time.  Either way, we can only be brave and grateful for taking that shot at being happy.

It pays to know that what we want and need remind us of how beautiful life is.  We’re given the opportunity to see and have them in our hands and enjoy the moments with them while they last.  The fact that we know we could gain happiness from them is what makes them all worth it.  It is an irony of life that we refuse to accept because it hurts to know that what makes us happy are also the things and people that make us cry.”

I am someone else’s happiness.  Even if it ends up with me in tears…  which it always does even though I don’t ask for it.