Monthly Archives: February 2014

the letter (part two)

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“I was waiting for him around the corner and supposed to bring him to the airport,” said a voice from across where she was.  “He asked me to accompany him because he badly wanted to stop by your place to either try to talk to you, or leave something with you.  I didn’t want to since I didn’t see the need, but he insisted,” the voice continued.  She looked up from her kneeled and trembled state and saw his very good friend, also in tears, standing just above where his head was slumped.

What was said added to her confusion.  “What?  Airport?  What do you mean?  We were supposed to meet up for lunch today,” she managed to ask amidst the increasing noise of onlookers.

“He was leaving the country for good.  From what he told me, it was all because of you,” the friend answered back.

“Me?  Why me?  What did I do?” she asked back.

“Do you really have to ask?” the friend retorted, the voice slightly changing from sadness to slight ire.  “Do you have any idea what this man has done for you?  And how you were to him?”

She struggled to answer as a million random thoughts were popping in her head all at the same time as a rush of different emotions also poured in.  She always counted on him to bail her out of tough situations, relied on him to stick his neck out for her, someone who she can drag along to wherever she wants to go, a shoulder to cry on, someone to cheer her up.  In her universe, he was the eventual savior, the go-to guy, the ultimate friend.  Yet she was still dumbfounded as to why his friend asked her those questions.

The ambulance finally pulled up and the paramedics rushed out to get to the body.  The crowd started to move and make room for them with stretcher in tow.  The first paramedic went over to his right side and checked for potential bone breakage on the neck, back and all his limbs.  Seeing none, his body was turned upright and was checked for a pulse.  Nothing.  Taking the cue, the second paramedic started doing CPR.  She then started to silently pray as she heard his friend seemingly trying to talk to him, saying, “this wasn’t supposed to happen.  Not like this.  Not after all you’ve done and endured.”

“What did he want to talk to me about?  What was he supposed to give me?” she finally managed to utter after a long silence as the paramedics continued to revive him coming close to 8 minutes now.

The friend looked at her misty eyes for a few seconds, looked back at him, and then said, “Whatever it is, both are in your hand,” pointing to hers.

The envelope.  Amidst all the chaos and confusion, she was still clutching it in her hand.  She had almost forgotten about it, never thinking that that envelope was part of the reason why all of this was happening right now around her.  Yet she still wasn’t able to understand why him of all people, would leave something like this for her.  It wasn’t like him.  Though he was always the more quiet one when they’re together, he can carry a good conversation with the best of them.  But she would notice at times that he’d seemingly want to tell her something, but stopped short for some reason.  She never did ask him about it, thinking that eventually, he would just talk to her about it, like with other stuff that he managed to do.

After what seemed like 10 minutes of attempted revival, there was still no response.  The paramedics then decided to stop and call it.  There was no bringing him back.  Silence enveloped the crowd as hers and the friend’s cries were the only ones that can be heard.  They placed the body on the stretcher, covered it, and brought it towards the waiting ambulance.  Overcome by emotion, she was unable to move, still kneeled on the ground, trying to absorb what was going on.  The friend decided to follow the paramedics towards the ambulance and ride with them to the hospital.  The thud of the closing doors and the escaping sirens were the last things she heard as she slowly stood up, not knowing what to think, what to do, or where to go.  The crowd started to thin out as normalcy began to return to the area.  She then made her way to the sidewalk, sat down and looked at the envelope with her name scribbled on it.

Her hands were shaking as she opened it.

(to be concluded…)

the letter (part one)

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She had barely rubbed off the cobwebs of drowsiness upon reaching the kitchen and opened the fridge door to see what she can make for breakfast.  It was still early, but for some reason, she woke up half an hour before her alarm sounded.  It felt like someone had been watching her sleep.  As she was going through some of the items inside, a faint sound of what seemed like screeching tires reached her ears.  Though that wasn’t new to her, it coming this early in the day roused her curiosity and decided to go and see what it was.  She first peered through the window by the living room, hoping to get a glimpse from that angle.  Not being able to see a thing, she then went to the front door.

A slight early morning chill greeted her as she slowly swayed the door open.  She tried to look around while still inside the house before stepping out for a much fuller view.  Clutching her arms as she stepped out, the chill became a small breeze while making her way to their picketed fence just before the sidewalk.  Her place was situated on a semi-public area, and cars passing by are not uncommon.  As she reached the front gate, she peered over it, checking her parked car out front.  She thought that maybe another car had grazed hers–or even bumped it–thus leading to the screeching sound, probably stopping to check what happened.  There was nothing out of the ordinary with her car, except that she noticed something tucked on the windshield wiper that flapped even with the slight breeze blowing.

As she stepped out of the gate to retrieve what seemed to be a small envelope placed on her car, she heard random chatter coming from down the street.  Upon clutching the envelope, she turned to where the sound of people gathering around was coming from.  She saw a small group of people about 10 to 12 meters away in the middle of the street where a car had stopped sideways.  “Another accident,” she thought to herself.  These weren’t uncommon as well as she learned of a couple of her neighbors figuring in such, mostly in the dead of night as cars tend to speed up while there are still people in the streets for some reason.  She managed to look at the envelope, and saw that her name was on it.

She became a bit curious as to why someone would leave something like that for her.  As she turned to head back inside, one of her neighbors who came from the commotion walked by.  She then asked, “what happened?  Who was it?”  The neighbor stopped, looked back at where he came from for a few seconds, shook his head, then faced her saying, “someone got hit by that car.  He’s not from around here though,” before continuing on his way.  Hearing that raised her curiosity even more, as there were not much other people coming and going within their area.  She almost forgot all about the envelope in her hand as the urge to see the aftermath up close slowly grew inside her while she tried to make sense of what’s going on.  Somehow, there was this voice inside her head telling her to go down the street and see for herself.

She decided to just get it over with and stepped out to head towards the now increasing number of people at the scene.  She could now hear sirens from a distance which are getting louder with each step she took.  As she walked closer to where people are circling around what seemed to be a male person slumped on the ground, she was able to get a glimpse of his feet and legs first.  From her perspective, the man was quite tall; but what made her suddenly feel anxious was that the clothing this man had was quite familiar.  From the shoes, pants, and jacket, she definitely knew that she had seen those before.

She started to tremble as she steadily grew even closer, not wanting who she was slowly starting to have in mind match the seemingly lifeless body laying on the street.  As more onlookers filled the area, her full view of the body was now being blocked.  Anxiety then turned to desperation as she decided to make her way past the ever-growing crowd, her heart beating faster and faster as she tried to push other people to the side; with tears now beginning to fall from her eyes.  When she finally reached to where she can clearly see the body right in front of her, she suddenly fell to her knees upon seeing the man’s face.

It was him.

thought rambling

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Things have been happening so much and so fast since the start of the year that I wasn’t able to find the time to just sit in front of my laptop and write whatever thoughts come to mind (or that came…  and went).  Don’t get me wrong, I’m quite happy with the way things are going for me right now (for the most part); yet there were multiple occasions that I had the urge to write.  I just didn’t know where and how to start; even after experiencing that feeling of something that is blog-worthy.  I was told that once you write down that first sentence or thought, everything else will follow like clockwork.  Yet even now, I’m still having challenges putting together my myriad of thoughts.  Have I lost my will to write?  Or the skill, for that matter?  I really hope not.  Nonetheless, whatever I will write after this opening statement will be totally unrelated to everything I just mentioned.  With that being said…

Whether seriously or just for the sake of conversation, I suppose we were all asked that question that goes, “if you can ask for one thing that can and will be given to you outright, what would that be?”  Of course, the premise here is that you can ask for anything you can dream of; the only catch is, you can only ask for only one.  Broken record answers include:  money, health, success, love, happiness, immortality, and my favorite of all time:  world peace.  As for myself, I have given probably two or three from the list when I was asked that question on multiple occasions (with world peace not being one of them.  Seriously).

Probably the reason why I decided to write about that is…  well, maybe I’m used to the fact that things don’t go my way when the premise of “asking” is in play.  But make no mistake about it, I’m thankful for all the material things I have and everything I have that I worked hard for.  It’s just that when friends talk to me about the things they go through, and I reassure them that whatever they’re asking for will eventually be given to them (and I join them in hoping and asking for it), it happens.  But when I do the same for myself, the silence is utterly deafening.

Believe me, I couldn’t be any more happier for friends and family when the things they have been personally wanting, wishing, hoping, or needing finally come true.  But when it’s my turn to fervently and willfully experience that kind of personal happiness they have, I almost always get the opposite.  You’re probably saying, “what a load of crap!  Your own happiness depends on you and you alone!”  To an extent, yes.  I wouldn’t argue with that.  However, it’s very easy to look out for yourself.  You can either satisfy your food cravings, regularly do a hobby, go on an alcohol binge, get laid, engage in a movie marathon, or even travel the world.  No doubt, most of them–if not all–can indeed make you happy.  But for me, personal happiness–the one serious answer I gave when I got asked what I really wanted–stems from really loving someone…  and have them love you back.

Personally, there’s no greater feeling in the world than seeing that someone you truly care for be or feel real happy because of what you did, whether it’s big or small.  The way their face lights up is like a bevy of fireworks going off in the night sky on new year’s eve; hearing the joy in their voice is like having your favorite song randomly coming on the radio when you least expect it; and their warm embrace feels like the first rays of the morning sun touching your skin as you wake up.  I guess I would have to just settle for that as permanence of said feelings can’t seem to find where I live.

Making someone else happy is most likely the role I have in this life.  As they say, we all have a part to play, and I was given this one.  I guess if I were to be asked that question again as to what I really want in life, my last and only response would be this:  “happiness that is meant for the person I truly, madly, and wholeheartedly care about; whatever and however that means.  If it requires me to provide that with everything I have even if I don’t get the same happiness for my own in return, then so be it.  Seeing that happiness manifest in that particular person is enough for me to say that I have lived a full life, and played my part the most I can in that person’s life.”

I’m starting to feel that the effects of the two cups of large coffee I had for breakfast at McDonald’s (I had only two hours of sleep last night due to being worried shitless; but that’s another story), and the giant iced tea I had while watching The Lego Movie are starting to wear off.  So in closing, a good friend of mine sent this to me a couple of days ago:

“There are moments in life when we just don’t know where we’re at regardless of knowing what and who we really want in our lives.  Circumstances will not always be in our favor simply because what we always need and want, we cannot always get.  It’s a fact of life and all we need to do is to accept it.  Maybe it’s part of a grand plan for us.  Or maybe something better is in store for us in time.  Either way, we can only be brave and grateful for taking that shot at being happy.

It pays to know that what we want and need remind us of how beautiful life is.  We’re given the opportunity to see and have them in our hands and enjoy the moments with them while they last.  The fact that we know we could gain happiness from them is what makes them all worth it.  It is an irony of life that we refuse to accept because it hurts to know that what makes us happy are also the things and people that make us cry.”

I am someone else’s happiness.  Even if it ends up with me in tears…  which it always does even though I don’t ask for it.