17 years…  of being single.

Being in this state for that long means being focused on myself; which means having more time for, loving and taking care of myself.

I mean, isn’t that what’s necessary in order to–as they say–be “able to love others?”

So in the event that I fall in love with someone and start thinking and caring more about that person than myself, is that a bad thing?  Unless I missed Basic Love 101, my understanding is that when you love someone, you think less of yourself and more of the person you love.

Let’s see; parents do that.  Siblings do that.  Friends do that.  Heck, even Jesus Christ did that.  Am I not allowed to do the same?

Friends, acquaintances, and even colleagues accuse me of being “choosy.”  I did not choose the women I fell in love with.  If I did, my life would have been an entirely different story.

It has also been said that love chooses you.  And I’m proud and honest enough to say that it did.  It really did.  Every time.  I always thought being chosen was somehow exciting and means that I am deserving.  I suppose I didn’t read the fine print where it says “hurt inevitably follows.”

I never intended nor wanted to be in this situation.  Yet here I am… again; and for some reason, I cannot get out…  no matter what I do.

I’m still trying to wrap my head around the length of time on my first line.  I would’ve finished nursery, elementary, and high school again in that time frame… with extra time to spare.

An interesting Bible passage from Luke 6:32 reads, “if you love only the people who love you, why should you receive a blessing?”  I guess that pretty much sums up the situation I’m in right now.  And I’m not getting anything…  yet.

Okay, so I’m quoting Bible passages now.  So sue me.

Am I a bad person?

Some people who know me, see me as “not having a single ‘bad bone’ within me.”  Is that bad?

That being said, is there something wrong with who, what, and how I am as a person?

I suck at not being nice, or even being bad.  I suppose in some ways, that’s good.

Did I do something wrong to deserve this?  If I did, isn’t 17 years enough time to pay for it?

All I can say is this:  if this is just an infatuation or just a crush, then why am I discovering and rediscovering things about myself that I never thought either I have, or am capable of doing?

If I looked at the kind of person who I was from four or five months ago, I wouldn’t have recognized myself.  That’s the kind of change I went through…  all because of one person.

Yet, I have been–and always will be–someone who keeps reality in the picture.

What I can do now is just enjoy the ride…  wherever it takes me.

And take whatever I can get along the way.

If it leads to what I’m fervently wishing for, then I’d be forever grateful.  Every damn day.

And finally say to myself that I am truly “happy.”

But if it leads to somewhere familiar, well…  I’ll cross the bridge when I get there; but I’ll still be grateful.  Seriously.

Of course, pain is and will be a part of it.  I’m human after all.

But there will be no regrets.  No what if’s.

Only with hopes that whoever that lucky person is feels exactly like I do and will do exactly what I would do just to make her not shed anymore tears, or make her doubt about that person’s sincerity.  That’s enough.

And I’ll just fade into the sunset.

But until then, know this:  maybe in the eyes of other people–whether we both know them or are complete strangers to us, I may not be doing the right thing.  You yourself may shove that same notion in my face all day, everyday.  But I have always, always shown respect to whatever personal situation you’ve always had.  That is why I never, ever went beyond what I know are my boundaries.  All I did was show you who I am, the man you can depend on, be the voice of reason in times of despair, someone’s shoulder to cry on, treat you like the queen you should be, and see you not just the kind of woman who you were and are, but what more you can be beyond the smartness, caring, passionate, beautiful (with a killer smile to boot), sweet, ambitious, and driven person you are now.  And if all that equates to me loving you from the sidelines (with wishes and hopes of being front and center someday, somehow despite the enormous odds), then I am damn guilty as charged.

After saying all that, now I don’t know what kind of ending to have for this entry.

Maybe I’ll just make it simple.

I miss you.  I love you.  I’ll always be here for you.

Goodnight, beautiful.

#youknowwhoyouare