“Listen to what your heart tells you.”

And that I did.  I have always followed my head–sometimes my gut–since that has been the only way that has given me some sort of sanity in the things I’ve been doing these past five years since… since the last time my heart did say something which led to me–surprise, surprise–crashing and burning.  Again.

Since then, I never thought that I would feel that way about someone ever again.  Even though that experience was not as deep as the one prior to that (which reminds me, it’s Easter today and that experience with D still remains as one of the more unforgettable ones), it helped solidify the notion that I would never find a woman who I can possibly spend the rest of my life with; that I was really born to be single.  So after practically ripping C’s name and reputation to shreds online through my ranting blog entries, I started to pick up the pieces again (or what’s left of it) and moved forward; feeling a bit smarter and wiser, and not ever expecting to stumble anymore.

I don’t know if fate is playing another one of its bad jokes on me, but the events of these last few weeks led me to feel the extreme opposites of falling for someone.  And somehow, as difficult and painful it is for me, I took it upon myself to try and walk away from it.  Not because experience taught me to second guess what I feel (I’ve never been this concrete about what and how my feelings are) about someone, but it is the right thing to do… on all fronts.  But yes, after days of denying it myself, I can–and proudly–say that I have honestly fallen in love with her.  Yes, I’m that far gone.  But as mentioned, it’s something I have to move on from and pretend like it’s only air.

But I couldn’t have fallen in love with a far better woman such as her. I’m glad that I did. The times I spent with her, doing things for her, comforting her, treating her the way she should be treated, making her flash that perfect smile which would nearly make me faint, it was all worth it.  What I felt for her was at least twice more with how I felt for D eight years ago.  And yet, the results are still the same.  And yes, it truly sucks that tears fell from my eyes for the first time since only God knows when.  I still get to see her everyday, but pretending to be normal around her and having less interactions with her would prove to be a tough act to do; but it has to be done.  I suppose the Gemini in me will come into play… frequently.

Yet my feelings for her won’t change. Not now, and not anytime soon.  All I can be for her now is someone she can trust and count on whenever she needs a friend; though I’m not expecting she would even consider that option.  I just have to be contented with whatever interaction we may have.

So did listening to my heart brought any good to me?  I would say yes because it gave me the opportunity to do what I do best:

picking up the pieces.