It’s been a while.

While I hope to be writing again on more uplifting circumstances–especially after a long absence–I’m afraid it’s somehow the opposite.  I guess it’s because for the first time in my life, I might have done something I wish I could take back.

Don’t get me wrong, I have always lived my life without any regrets.  And that I have always believed that having regrets is like slapping the face of a teacher trying to teach you a lesson.

I suppose the old adage holds true:  “there is always a first time for everything.”  Or maybe, all of us are meant to experience this kind of situation in one way or another.  Yet I have always, always had my better judgement prevail in the midst of being faced with such difficult choices.  After all, I have gone halfway through my life experiencing almost everything a professional would encounter.  Add to that, I sought the advice and wisdom of friends and colleagues-turned-friends alike.  All of them telling me to go with the decision I made.  But let me be very clear that for the record, I am NOT in any way putting blame on them.  It was MY decision to make.  MY own.  I blame MYSELF for this.  It’s like what I tell my friends when they ask me for advice:  “I can always tell you what you want to hear, or what you need to hear.  But in the end, it’s going to be you and you alone who makes that decision.”

I honestly feel that I betrayed myself; went against my (un)written rule:  “never settle for anything less than what you truly believe you deserve to receive for yourself.”  Years of blood, sweat, and tears of getting to where I am somehow just thrown away like trash.  If there is an opposite to the term “sellout,” then that befits me rightly.

It may be that easy to say, “then just turn around, you asshole!  Why wallow in your predicament?”  If only it were that easy and complication-free.  I did what I think I had to do.  I surely do not know the reason why I did it, and right now, I’m still searching the very recesses of what’s left of my soul for answers.  I may find it, or I may not.  But now that I’m here, and what’s done is done, I just move forward.  I may not like–borderline, hate–what I did, but I am a professional.  I do what’s asked of me; use my expertise, knowledge and wisdom I have acquired over the years and be better.  I’ll deal with it, like what I have always done in life.

All of that was two weeks ago.  Since then, I’ve been picking up the pieces of my pride, ego, and better judgement that received a major ass-whooping from, who else, myself.  I guess being a Gemini has it’s benefits.  My other side is carrying me through each and every day.  Only time will really tell if I’ll ever forgive myself.

Yet, maybe there’s a deeper reason why I am where I am.  Fate?  Chance?  Part of the life program?  A higher power at work?  Who knows?  All I do know right now is that I made my own shitload of a mess, and I’m the only one who can and will clean it up.