"How do you pick up the threads of an old life?  How do you go on, when in your heart you begin to understand, there is no going back.  There are some things that time cannot mend; some hurts that go too deep, that have taken hold…" — Frodo Baggins, from the movie Lord of the Rings:  Return of the King

it's quite unusual for me to start an entry with a quotation or a line from a movie or some other form of mainstream media, much less the kind that is shown above.  i guess whether we like to admit it or not, we all ask the same question at some point in our lives.  mostly after tough decisions that have been made which directly affected people or persons in a way we didn't want or mean to, or decisions that changed our perception of life itself.  inasmuch as we try to learn from the mistakes we've made in the past, there'll always be new ones, big and small, that will come along the way.  very few have been lucky enough to say that their mistakes were stepping stones to a successful life.

i try to live my life using the no regrets policy.  well, i actually started that when i stepped into college since i consider my elementary and high school years as the forming phase where my own decisions have little to no basis or weight and i heavily relied on my parents regarding stuff that required their approval.  and in almost 15 years since i first stepped onto those hallowed college grounds, walking through them for four years, and finally stepping out of it and into the real world, i have made countless mistakes and a handful of  victories.  mistakes that almost cost my degree, that have broken friendships (where some have healed), that have lost trust (some of which never regained), that changed my beliefs, and some that may have a direct impact on my future in ways i'll never know.  yet even if i try and don't let those affect me (for i always believed that mistakes are a part of life and that crying over spilled milk won't get me anywhere), there are times that i stop and think about them and ask myself the perverbial question, "what if…?"  one such time was these past couple of weeks.  i have been more on the reflective side and strayed away from writing.  yet even though looking back more than just rekindled the pain i have experienced, to be honest, nothing came out of it.  i cannot change what has happened, and whatever i do, i also cannot make things any better.  is it a matter of perception?  maybe… maybe not.  yet they're already there.  it has become part of you, something that you cannot escape from, that you cannot ignore, that you'll carry for the rest of your days.

coming out of that reflective episode, did those mistakes make me a better person?  i couldn't say for sure because i still have lots of years ahead of me (hopefully).  what's for certain is that life, in all it's complexities and mysteries, still goes on.  and even though there are forks in the road, it is the only one-way street we'll all be going through.  it doesn't sound pretty at all, but that's the reality of it.  all we have to do is just to face whatever comes our way head on.  in other words, shoot first, ask questions later.  or something like that…

september is finally here.  three more months and it's christmas.  well, here in our part of the world the season has already started.  one thing i'm not looking forward to though, is getting to use my US visa.  yes, that fateful, dreaded trip to the other side of the world is now in the works.  it'll be made sometime in november–most likely during thanksgiving week–and it'll hit me in two things:  one is that i'll be spending my own money on the airfare and pocket money (which i don't have much of and i may have to resort to getting some kind of loan); and second is it'll take up five of my vacation leaves at the most (i have to stay there at least a week in order for my trip to be, well, worth it being a called trip at all) instead of having using those leave credits sparingly to extend some of the weekends.  my mom is going with me on this trip, only that she may be staying on to perhaps earn a little extra money.  she's excited talking about it, while i just stay quiet and keep my objections to myself.  let me reiterate that it's something i'm NOT looking forward to at all.  if only the need to make a solitary trip to be eligible for the visa to be successfully renewed weren't there, then it wouldn't be much of a fuss now, would it?

meanwhile, in october, i'll be celebrating two years being employed in the company i'm working for.  eight more months after that and i'll be surpassing the longest tenure i have with a single company.  another milestone in the books.  wish i could say the same for my personal life.  speaking of which, nothing still new on the horizon.  that still sucks.